Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another possible oneshot!
You might be asking yourself, hypothetical Patron, “Can a fic with four chapters be considered a oneshot?” It can when the first chapters are only a few hundred words long, and the other two are Author’s Notes begging readers to submit ideas. Also, the fic hasn’t had any updates since 2016 and has likely been abandoned because no one wanted to do the author’s job for them and/or try to make sense out of this dumpster fire.
Buckle up, buttercup – this is going to be a rough ride.
And not only is this one of those fics, but it’s a Skyrim crossover! Crossed over with what? Technically it’s listed as a crossover with Tangled, but in truth it is one of those crossovers with the massive multi-fandom conglomeration that is Rise of the Big Hero Brave Frozen Tangled Dragons, or whatever it is called these days. If you’ve never heard of this phenomenon, basically authors will pull characters from nearly every CGI animated movie and shove them into a fic, often set in a different universe so the don’t have to bother reconciling the many different canons. High school AU fics are very popular.
Now, on to the fic summary!
Pitch Black and the negatives are back and they got some new allies strong to and only one can stop the three newcomers from taking over Tamirel but he’ll need help with the ones know as Pitch Black and the Negatives with help from ones known as the big four join Marcus the Dragonborn and The four as they travel across Tamirel to stop Pitch and the negatives.
:gasps for breath:
That is all one sentence, my Patrons. Get used to that; this author treats punctuation as if it was crafted of priceless jewels.
Space, the Final Frontier…these are the voyages of the Starship Bongo. It’s five year mission: To explore new frontiers of shitty fanfic. To seek out the worst writing that fandom can muster. To boldly riff where no one has riffed before…
CZM: Hello, and welcome to the next chapter of ‘A Purple Wolf…’
[A redshirt walks up and hands Minh a PADD]
CZM: Oh. Looks like we have a change in orders. Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a really, really bad X-COM/Stargate crossover:
Title: XSGCOM: Mirror Image
Media: Video Game/TV Show
Topic: X-COM: UFO Defence/Stargate: SG1
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Crazy Minh
CZM: Let’s give some background on the show. Stargate is a TV franchise owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer that originated with the 1994 feature film Stargate. The show was then revived three years later for the TV show Stargate: SG1, which is set a year after the events of the feature film. There were two further spinoffs, Stargate: Atlantis (Set aboard the city-ship Atlantis); and Stargate: Universe (which was a Star Trek: Voyager-esque series set aboard the generation ship Destiny, and which was the lowest-rated instalment, resulting in the cancellation of the show). After the cancellation of the franchise in the early 2000’s, there was a brief revival in 2017 in the form of the miniseries Stargate: Origins, which explored what happened with the Stargate in the 1940’s. I could go into a excessively detailed explanation of the entire history of the Stargate universe (which I ~totally~ didn’t already do in a early draft of this riff), but I’m going to avoid that, and instead refer you towards the movie Stargate first, then SG-1, followed by Atlantis and very optionally Universe. Also, I’m dropping the script-format here. There’s really no need for it, seeing as Biskit’s……back on vacation. Ok. Switching tenses in three…two…one…brace!
[Suspenseful music plays as Minh presses a button marked ‘Format Transformation’. A light flashes on and off on the Captain’s console, with nothing dramatic really happening. A nearby Redshirt suffers a heart attack however, due to the implied tension.]
Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by BatJamags
Uwaah count: 12
A Sentence Fragment count: 15
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another thrilling (for certain definition of “thrilling” (that definition being “not anything even remotely close to approaching being thrilling in the slightest”)) chapter of The Red Queen!
In the last chapter, Sueby Rose, Sue Grimm, the Cheshire Dog, Tweedle Dick, and Tweedle Dumbass encountered a village of cute orphans, violently defended them from a small army of clones of that generic rapist-bandit-asshole from earlier in the fic and then rolled on out like some edgy, half-assed knockoff of the Man with No Name.
Sueby’s a lot of things, but Clint Eastwood she ain’t. Not that I wouldn’t read the fuck out of such a crossover. Assuming it were Ruby and not Sueby.
“I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did she fire six shots, or only five?’ Well, being that this is a giant armor-piercing sniper rifle that’s also a scythe and carries a lot more than six shots, that really doesn’t matter in the slightest. I’m gonna level with you: You’re not lucky, punk.”
It was an early morning in Beacon, and as always the campus was bustling with activity.
*Snerk* Have you seen early morning on any higher education institution’s campus? What little activity there is is less bustling and more shambling.
Title: A Library of the Dammed Original Story
Author: My Cousin, Carol.
Media: Web Original
Topic: This very website.
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Biskit
Hello folks, it’s Crazy Minh, back with the fourth and final part of my cousin’s Library of the Damned fanfic. As of the present moment, this is the only chapter I have from my cousin, and she’s yet to get back to be on when she’ll finish the final chapter. I’m back aboard the Bongo, having escaped that weird-ass recreation room (weird ass-recreation room?). So, without further ado…
Biskit: What did I miss?
CZM: Biskit! You’re back from that away mission!
CZM:…it was a away mission…right? I mean…I mean, it’s not like you just went on holiday without me? Is it? …Biskit?
Biskit: I ~did~ say ‘Can I go on a Vacation Please?’. You said yes. So I went.
CZM: But you didn’t! You said ‘Can I go to Vaecationplies?’. I assumed that was a planet, so I said yes….oh. Right. Must have been the beeping. From the ambient bridge noise.
Biskit: …You are a dumb shit. Of the highest kind.
CZM: Thank you. Now, moving on. I assume you’ve at least read the brief of what we’re doing?
Biskit: Yes. Last time, Herr got brainwashed, the library was still getting invaded by Xenoponies, and Lyle went into enemy territory. Now, the continuation:
Hello, dear Patrons!
As has become my custom lately, I’ve decided to clear out a few short fics and/or oneshots before starting on something longer. This particular fic is just two short chapters; there’s been no activity on the fic since early 2018 so it possibly has been abandoned, but then again we’ve seen authors go longer stretches between updates before. It’s also from the Jurassic Park/World canon, but this time I’ve picked a fic that doesn’t contain human/raptor hybrids or sparklepires. Probably. It’s been a while since I skimmed through it.
To the fic!
I was outside working on my dirt bike my dad got me to drive around on.
Your dad bought you a broken dirt bike? I guess he really doesn’t want to to “ride around” all that much.
The stupid thing kept stalling. I would have to go to the main park to get the stuff i need to fix it.
Because parks are well-known for stocking spare parts for crotch-rockets.
I looked up when i heard the door to the bungalow open.
…Is Nameless fixing their bike inside a house?
“Morning sweetheart.” my dad said as he walked down the steps and kissed me on the head. “Morning dad. Did you see breakfast on the counter?” he nodded and sat down in front of his own bike. “I did. Thank you.” i mumbled a quiet your welcome. He had a late night last night with the girls. They’ve been moody lately. Usually when he’s up super late he has a headache when he wakes up.
Are we eventually going to get some sort of description of something? Where this bungalow is, who Nameless is, who their father is, what “girls” he was up late with, anything? Are these “girls” children who couldn’t sleep, or was Daddy Nameless out with some bar-skanks?