2296: The Red Queen – Chapter 1, Part 2

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags

A Rose by Any Other Name

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Red Queen.

Last time, Ruby angsted about some fucking bullshit that pissed me off. Then she got chosen for a SUEPER SPESHUL MEGA TOURNAMENT. And that’s about it. God, I hate this author’s rambling.

“Miss Rose, to the stage. Now, please?”

“Ah!”

Being summoned by Ozpin, Ruby walked slowly from her spot in the back. Jaune, hoping to encourage her even a little bit, rested his hand on her shoulder. “You deserve this, Ruby.” He said as kindly as he could. Still, nothing could hope to quell the uneasiness in the pits of her tiny stomach. Ruby walked along the aisle, her classmates and all with their eyes on her. She could feel jealousy from all of them, their emotions poorly disguised and their hatred thinly veiled. Nearing the front, she saw her teammates showing her supporting smiles, Yang especially. She had to look forward, but looking forward means we often miss what’s going on around us. Including the dark expressions cast over Weiss and Blake’s faces.

*Repeated headdesking*

It’s just all so contrived. And contradictory. Were Ruby’s teammates (implying at least two of them) giving her supporting smiles, or did Weiss and Blake have dark expressions?

On the stage, Ozpin addressed the four about the responsibility now given to them. To represent not only Beacon, but themselves and their teams. To prove their strength to everyone, and to showcase the talents of a true hunter or huntress.

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My Inner Life: Redux – Chapter 1 Part 1 (FILLER!)

[Sorry this is late, but nobody scheduled anything for today and this has been sitting around in the drafts for a while. It’s another slightly-updated scrapped riff from years ago, because we need more filler, and why let this go to waste, right?

Also, rereading before posting, there are a surprising number of BadJamags’ catchphrases and running gags that I started with GoodJamags in this riff. Huh.]

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: My Inner Life (Full Story)
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

*GoodJamags walks into the secret base’s prison block. There is a glass cell at the end of the hall.*

*In the glass cell, BadJamags is waiting*

BadJamags: Hello, GoodJamags.

Drop the Hannibal Lecter routine and tell me how to stop the fic.

BadJamags: Now, now. Is that any way to greet an old friend?

I never met you before I went through the portal. Tell me how to stop the fic.

BadJamags: *Sigh* You can’t stop it. Door won’t let you out until you riff it, and you can’t close it without going through Door.

Didn’t I explode the door for my dramatic entrance?

BadJamags: Not the door, Door. He respawned and is back where he started.

Are you implying the door is sentient?

BadJamags: Actually…

BadJamags: I have no fucking idea, but it kinda seems like it could be the case. I’m not bullshitting you about needing to riff the fic, though.

Why can’t I just let it sit there?

BadJamags: BLUE.

Makes sense to me.

*In the riffing chamber*

Hello once again for the first time, patrons! I’m your guest host, GoodJamags.

Today, I’ll be picking up where my evil counterpart left off with My Inner Life.

Last time, Link’s Queen ranted, raved, and spat nails like an immature child about her reviewers supposedly ranting, raving, and spitting nails like immature children.

And she had the gall to call them hypocrites.

This time, we start the actual story.

The Beginning

Well…

At least it’s spelled properly.

I will never forget the day, the day I met Link.

*Alarms blare*

Ah, you have the DRD here too? I suppose some things are universal constants.

*John Johnson walks in*

John Johnson: Hello. My job is that whenever there’s a redundancy, I’m supposed to shoot you whenever there’s a redundancy which means I have to shoot you.

Huh?

*Headshotted in the head*

It was a warm spring day; I was on my usual trip back to Hyrule with my wagon of goods to sell in Hyrule market at the annual Spring Festival (1).

Ah. Here we have, aside from the cumbersome sentence, the first of this story’s footnotes. What does this footnote say about the annual Spring Festival?

(1) The Spring Festival is a celebration of the upcoming season change from Winter to Spring. This celebration is held every year to celebrate the planting of the year’s crops and to prey to Mother Sclyina for a prosperous crop season.

It’s an annual festival, held every spring. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

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2295: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 10

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello again, dear Patrons!

I’m back with another steaming helping of going nowhere fast. Speaking of just that thing I just said, in the last chapter TSue set some plants on fire with magical bullshitite-powered pink-flamethrowers and over-reacted violently to the word “test”. The chapter ended with TSue threatening GLaDOS with getting powered-down, which GLaDOS claims is not such a bad thing – once again directly contradicting something previously stated in the fic.

Onward, brave Patrons!

There is someone lurking in the bowels of Aperture…waiting….

That’s what happens when you don’t get enough roughage in your diet.

“Hey GLaDOS, remember the bird that almost ate you back in Old Aperture?” Asked Chell.

…Wha?

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2294: Pokemon The Kanto Harem Chronicles – Chapters 2 and 3

Title: Pokemon The Kanto Harem Chronicles
Author: Prince Sonic WindStriker
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokemon
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter 2 and Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

WARNING: This fanfiction contains several NSFW elements, including possible scenes of sexual activity with a minor. I do plan on skipping over all portions of the fic with underage sexual activity, but reader discretion is HIGHLY advised.

Well, we’ve moved away from Harry Potter is a Communist once again, ladies and gentlemen, and we’re back on some more Pedophilic Fun Times from the Haus of Borba. This time, we’ve got more forays into the Pokemon world, and what else are we going to expect, except insane times with the little pedophilia stuff.

So… uh… I guess we’re just gonna jump into it, huh?

Let’s… uh… get started here!

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2293: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Seventeen, Part Four

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hi, patrons, welcome back to Legend of High School: The True Regurgitation!  Before we get started I thought I should announce that the next two weeks I’ll be without any form of reliable internet, so will not be posting any riffs again until April 17th.  Sorry about that.   Anyway, on with the riff!  Crunchy, hit us with the unhelpful recap!

“Link was upset that the seafood was frozen.”

Thank you, that was not helpful in the slightest.  Onward to part four!

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2292: Mass Effect: United Species Aliance — Chapter 3 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: United Species Aliance [sic]
Author: Delfim the Black Kitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-fi/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: United Species Aliance. Last time, it was revealed that the Nautilus‘s engineer (who is also the XO) was chosen for this assignment at least in part because Commander Delfim has a thing for quarians and the Admiralty that actually runs the USA government wants to learn more about him or control him somehow. Also everybody boarded the Nautilus and Commander Delfim chased a varren named Seiko around the ship and introduced the crew we already knew about and still don’t care about for three thousand words.

That was literally it.

The HFY Bingo Board is, once again, unchanged:

bingo_2

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2291: The Darkening of Equestria — One-Shot

Title: The Darkening of Equestria
Author: Shadow Stormblade
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Romance, Dark, Adventure, Mystery, (pauses for breath) and Thriller
URL: Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by: Serketry

*Indiscriminate staticky sounds*

*TAP TAP TAP* Is this thing on? Hello? Alright, signal looks strong. Morning, y’all, I’m Serketry, and today I’m reporting in live from the Frozen North. My surviving broodmates and I are back at the old hatchery, celebrating our brood-elder’s 80th, and it’s quite the trip down memory lane.

snowling

I remember being taught the basics of engine maintenance, proper firearm safety, and how to operate an excavator- that very one, back there, half-buried in a ditch! Skills still I use to this very day. And before you ask, of course we have a basecamp set up monitoring the Crystal Empire, the love capitol of the world. The question isn’t ‘where are we hiding’, it’s ‘who have we already replaced.’

Well, a janitor’s work is never done, so let’s look at what we’ve got here… The Darkening of Equestria, by Shadow Stormblade. Oh, it’s a recent one, too! Early 2017, by the looks of it. Right after… Season 6…

The horror… The candy-coated horror…

Huh? What do you mean I’ve been sitting here for over an hour? Oh. Alright, moving on. Tags, tell us what we’re dealing wi-

darkening_tags.png

Oh son of a fucking bitch. Wha- HOW?! This fic has, like, 1100 words! How do you fit so much shit into so little space?

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