Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another single chapter and possible oneshot from the Skyrim/GoT crossover section! The fic is only a few months old and hasn’t had any updates, but is described as a “power wank fic” in the author’s bio, so they may add to it when they feel like stroking their SI some more.
It … It gets bad. Really bad. You should go get a headdesking pillow now to avoid the line.
:brief pillow pause:
Everyone prepped and ready? Great! Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
SI insert into game of thrones as the Dragonborn
Well, that’s certainly … succinct.
I woke up to a slow gradual bumping with a headache.
Urgh. I don’t remember drinking last night.
I’m not really a big drinker, but I don’t think hangovers are usually accompanied by bumping sensations.
The last thing I remember was booting up the PC, getting ready to play a heavily modded version of Skyrim.
That probably describes every PC version of Skyrim – Why run vanilla when the Nexus is a thing that exists? – but what kind of mods? There’s a lot of weird stuff under that umbrella. Are we talking “Every dragon is now Thomas the Dank Engine” and there’s tits on the side of the Blue Palace or do you have so many ENBs and graphical enhancements running you have to keep a fire extinguisher trained on your GPU at all times?
Did I fall asleep gaming? I am sitting up so there’s that.
Why would that be an option? Wouldn’t gaming tend to keep you awake, since you’re presumably focused on a particular task?
But things didn’t add up. Why would I be in a rocking upright position if I fell asleep in my apartment?
Do you own a rocking chair?
WILLIAM SHATNER CRAZY MINH as CAPTAIN KIRK CRAZY MINH
LENOARD NIMOY as
COMMANDER SPOCK SIR-NOT-APPEARING-IN-THIS-RIFF-‘CAUSE-HE’S-DEAD (Ethan bloody Peck is #Notmyspock)
Title: XSGCOM Mirror Image
Topic: X-COM: UFO Defence/Stargate SG1
Media: Video game/TV show
Critiqued By Crazy Minh
Hello patrons, and welcome back to ‘SUECOM: Mirror Image’, alternatively titled ‘XSGCOM: Mirror Image’ or ‘XSGCOM: Goa’uld Defence’! I’m your guest riffer Crazy Minh, and today we tackle the second part of chapter one. Last time on this trainwreck of a badfic, X-COM were introduced as the story’s Gary Stumanity analogue; some bumblefuck Jaffa got their asses wrecked to showcase how X-COM has no sense of tact or restraint; and I got so mad that the Bongo’s FHRPAEH magazines were depleted in a prolonged barrage of rocket-propelled hammers! Now, we resume our story just where we left off; from the perspective of a captive Jaffa, who I feel very, very sorry for…
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another oneshot! This one is a ‘true’ oneshot in that there’s just one chapter and it is listed as completed. Also, it’s another Skyrim crossover!
It’s also a Skyrim/Game of Thrones crossover, which actually sounds like a fairly plausible concept to me. We haven’t had a Game of Thrones (or A Song of Ice and Fire, which is the book series the show is based on) before, but I’m fairly confident that most people with Internet access are aware that Game of Thrones is a thing which exists. I’m not going to give a massive SC-style info-dump for this fic because an info-dump for GoT/ASoIaF would stretch for many, many pages, but I’ll try to cover any relevant information as it is needed. It should go without saying that there are major spoilers ahead.
Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
What happens when mages blunder.
If the mage in question is a overly confident Khajiit named J’Zargo, then what happens is that you repeatedly set yourself on fire while trying out his “improved” Flame Cloak scrolls.
Vigdis watched as the Unsullied patrol passed her hiding spot and marched down the narrow street. The ‘Mother of Dragons’ certanly tightened the security in Meereen after the Sons of the Harpy started their murder spree.
Okay, time for some info-dumping.
Space, the Final Frontier…these are the voyages of the Starship Bongo. It’s five year mission: To explore new frontiers of shitty fanfic. To seek out the worst writing that fandom can muster. To boldly riff where no one has riffed before…
CZM: Hello, and welcome to the next chapter of ‘A Purple Wolf…’
[A redshirt walks up and hands Minh a PADD]
CZM: Oh. Looks like we have a change in orders. Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a really, really bad X-COM/Stargate crossover:
Title: XSGCOM: Mirror Image
Media: Video Game/TV Show
Topic: X-COM: UFO Defence/Stargate: SG1
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Crazy Minh
CZM: Let’s give some background on the show. Stargate is a TV franchise owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer that originated with the 1994 feature film Stargate. The show was then revived three years later for the TV show Stargate: SG1, which is set a year after the events of the feature film. There were two further spinoffs, Stargate: Atlantis (Set aboard the city-ship Atlantis); and Stargate: Universe (which was a Star Trek: Voyager-esque series set aboard the generation ship Destiny, and which was the lowest-rated instalment, resulting in the cancellation of the show). After the cancellation of the franchise in the early 2000’s, there was a brief revival in 2017 in the form of the miniseries Stargate: Origins, which explored what happened with the Stargate in the 1940’s. I could go into a excessively detailed explanation of the entire history of the Stargate universe (which I ~totally~ didn’t already do in a early draft of this riff), but I’m going to avoid that, and instead refer you towards the movie Stargate first, then SG-1, followed by Atlantis and very optionally Universe. Also, I’m dropping the script-format here. There’s really no need for it, seeing as Biskit’s……back on vacation. Ok. Switching tenses in three…two…one…brace!
[Suspenseful music plays as Minh presses a button marked ‘Format Transformation’. A light flashes on and off on the Captain’s console, with nothing dramatic really happening. A nearby Redshirt suffers a heart attack however, due to the implied tension.]
Title: It’s The Great Pumpkin, Mr Mario!
Media: Video Game / Television
Topic: Super Mario Brothers / Peanuts
Genre: Supernatural / Holiday
URL: It’s The Great Pumpkin, Mr Mario!
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy
Heyo, patrons! This week we have something very special: a fic based on the Peanuts’ holiday short It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! If you’ve never seen it (where the hell have you been!?) go ahead and click that link and be prepared for good ol’ wholesome 1960’s holiday values. Or something. I’m not sure the Great Pumpkin actually holds up, but it’s been a holiday tradition for me my whole life, so there’s a special place in my heart for it even if it’s not actually all that great.
Anyway, this week we see what happens when you mush that short together with Super Mario Brothers.
*Waits patiently for the screaming to die down*
“That sentence inspired more fear than the entire bulk of spooky noodles.”
Seriously, dude? ‘Spooky noodles?’
“I stand by my version.”
Anyway, it’s actually not all that terrible by Library standards, given that it’s a holiday one-shot and as such is guaranteed to be fluffy as balls and empty of any sort of tension, interest, or plot. Even so, there’s one thing that made this fic one of the cringiest I pulled out of the Great Pumpkin crosses.
“Hold for a moment; Great Pumpkin crossovers are a thing?”
Apparently, there are nearly two-hundred of them, most of which are crosses with Supernatural for some reason.
“How has your monkey race not managed to drive themselves to extinction yet?”
You guys ready for this?
Welcome to ZERO HOUR, because apparently I like fics with all caps titles. ZH hails from the confusing “crossover” section of ff.net. As you’ve probably noticed from the stats up there, it is a crossover of Underworld, Terminator, and, I shit you not, That 70’s Show. I’ll do a very brief SC-Style Infodump for you guys before we dive in.
I’ve covered Underworld on here before but it was a few years ago. Underworld is a supernatural vampire/werewolf franchise starring Kate Beckinsale and Kate Beckinsale’s bustier. It’s about vampires and werewolves that are trying to kill each other due to old feuds. Then a hybrid of the two species is created, more shit hits more fans, and we get a few sequels and a prequel. I might seem a little derisive, but I actually really like the Underworld series. The most you really need to know is that it’s about sexy vampires and sexy werewolves having sexy-times and fighting each other.
Terminator, for those living under a rock, is a franchise about robots known as terminators being sent through time to kill off the ancestors of the people who will eventually defeat the sentient robot overlords that tried to destroy humanity. The first ones star the former governor of California, hence why everyone called him The Governator when he was in office. I don’t know much about the rest of the movies or the shows that have spun off it, but it’s all about the same general idea. Skynet wants to take over the world and kill off all the humans. Humans don’t want this to happen. A few terminators get their wires crossed and want to help humanity. The Conner family is important.
Now, a crossover of Terminator and Underworld isn’t very far fetched. If Skynet can send a robot back in time, why not into another dimension or reality? Where this story gets weird is the inclusion of That 70’s Show.
T70S was a prime-time sitcom about a group of high school aged kids in the 1970’s, and the shenanigans they get into during the course of their young lives. It has absolutely nothing to do with either of the incredibly dark themes of the other source materials. It’s the show that started the careers of Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and Laura Prepon.
This particular story caught my eye not only because it was the only Underworld/T70S crossover on FF.net, but also because the summary is as batshit as the premise.
Let’s do this thing.
Hello hello all you patrons and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue, which I must remind you is still not a porno. I’ve decided to stop transcribing all of the comic’s dialogue and instead devote more effort to just cropping the elements I want, so we should be proceeding a bit faster through this thing now.
Last time, Sly and the gang finally got around to attempting to steal back the Cooper family treasure from the Miami-dwelling wrestler-turned-big-city-gangsta Kevin Turbo. After some rather prefunctory reconnaissance he managed to track Turbo to a fight club in a blank tan building with a single window leading directly into the vault room. He was then introduced to a red-haired “albino squirrel” named “Ice” who I at first thought was just a hooker that Turbo was beating up but I’m worried might turn out to be some sort of rival thief or something because she shows up later in the comic (although she still doesn’t provide Sly with any usable intel). Despite having just spent “a few months” on unspecified “recovery” Sly suddenly needs his family loot back RIGHT FUCKING NOW and decides they are going to “wing it” and not go in with a detailed heist plan. Instead, Dimitri shows up at Turbo’s fight club and challenges him to a dance-off. Turbo, inexplicably, accepts, and this somehow distracts every single guard save for the one in the vault room itself. Bentley cuts the power, and Sly makes it into the vault only to discover that only a tiny amount of the Cooper loot is left. Then (somehow!) he gets caught and held at gunpoint by (oh noes!) a single flashlight guard who looks like a bad Sonic recolor. How will our brave master thief ever get himself out of this extremely mild predicament?!