This fic romanticizes domestic violence. Anyone sensitive to this may wish to avoid this fic.
muffled voice from the hall: …221A… Ah, riff chamber 221B!
*Em bursts through the riff chamber doors. Her hair is tied back with a red kerchief, but flecks of blue paint can be seen. Her arms are loaded with various snacks*
Greetings, Librarians and patrons! I’m Em Kay, your guest snarker for the day, back with another BBC Sherlock fic.
Sorry it took so long. Blue paint takes forever to scrub out of leather book bindings. Conan the Snakebarian is giving them a final wipe down, but he’ll probably be in later. Who knew someone without hands could be so handy?
*Em dumps the snacks onto the desk and pulls her laptop over.*
This time I’ve got an eleven-chapter fic called My Heart Beats For Love, by 9PoisonIvy9.
This may qualify as a FINO. Aside from the inclusion of people with the two main characters’ names and a couple of modified scenes, it seems to have nothing in common with the show.
Still, for anyone who missed my last riff or has been under a rock for the past 130ish years, I’ll do a quick overview. Minions!
*a whiteboard appears, and Em removes the cap from a marker and begins writing*
Sherlock Holmes: smart
Dr. John Watson: doctor
*Em replaces the cap on the marker* Yup, that’ll do it. Minions!
*the whiteboard disappears*
First up, we have the summary.
While Sherlock is solving a case,he and John meet a beautiful young girl who holds a terrible past.When Sherlock finds himself falling in love with her,he tries to lie,even to himself.Can Watson convince him before her life is up? Language later chapters
Hmm, a gorgeous young love interest with a Twajek Past™ she’s hanging onto for someone else and whose life is in danger? *Mary Sue senses tingling*
Since it says there is language in the later chapters, I’m going to pull in my Czech Exchange Student, David. He speaks several languages fluently, but he’s here to work on his English spelling. Say hi, David!
*David pulls a up a stool next to Em*
David: Halo. Nice too meat you.
Oh yeah, this’ll be great.
*Em grabs one of the snacks* Time to dive into Chapter One and get this show on the road.
Media: TV Show
Topic: BBC Sherlock
Critiqued by Em Kay
Greetings, Librarians and patrons! I’m Em, your guest snarker today. I’ll be riffing Sacrifice, a two chapter, Suspense/Angst tagged Sherlock fic by Emma-Alberta.
I don’t believe BBC’s Sherlock series has been brought up in the Library before, but I’m not going to go full SC Wiki. Since this is a short fic, I’ll do more of a lazy, Taco-style, Need To Know Pamphlet and throw in relevant details as needed.
First off, Sherlock Holmes is a fictional British detective created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle in a series of mostly short stories that were written and set in the late 1800’s/early 1900’s. Told through the voice of his assistant, Dr. John Watson, they show Sherlock as a master of logical reasoning, forensic science, and observation during investigations for various clients as well as Scotland Yard.
There have been bajillions of literary, film, and television adaptations featuring the characters, the latest of which is the BBC television series, Sherlock. In this version, some of the original stories are adapted and set in modern day London.
This fic was written and posted just four days after the Season 1 finale, “The Great Game”, aired in 2010 with an update the next day.
Now let’s take a look at the summary.
my view what happens after the episode ‘Great Game’ ends… angst because im like that. sorry if i spell Moriarty’s name wrong… i have no idea how to spell it haha
Terrible grammar, missing and misused punctuation, and topped off with a dose of too-lazy-to-Google-ness? This looks promising.
Hello, patrons! Welcome back to the continuing Spooptoberfestivities! Today we’ll be adding two more little oneshots to the Library’s pile of spooky, spooky failure. The first is a Halloween oneshot, not just the holiday, but also the titular movie taking place on the holiday! Though, honestly, to call this thing a fanfic is tarnishing the good name of such epic masterpieces of “untold zombie chronicels.”
You’ll understand why this one is bad pretty much right away when I show you the summary.
That’s the entire summary. And it’s a tragedy/angst fic, so who wants to bet we get something with either My Chemical Romance or Evanescence. Brace yourselves, patrons, we’re going in hot!
Title: XSGCOM Mirror Image
Topic: X-COM: UFO Defence/Stargate SG1
Media: Video game/TV show
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Crazy Minh
Hello folks, and welcome back to “XSGCOM: Mirror Image”! I’m your guest host, Crazy Minh, and today we cover the first part of the second chapter! Now for a recap!
Previously on XSGCOM: Mirror Image…
SUECOM SOLDIER: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire UK armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and you’re being located right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United Kingdom Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your question was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
MAJOR WADE: Hey, all I asked was where the bathroom was! You don’t have to get defensive! Also, stop snarling at the wall. It’s giving me the wrong impression.
MAJOR WADE: So what’s this thing?
SUECOM SOLDIER: It’s da most powarful gun in da house!
MAJOR WADE: It looks like a bright red dildo.
SUECOM SOLDIER: Well, what do you think we use it for? Killing aliens?
SUECOM SOLDIER: We’re so xenophobic that we’re going to kill Earth’s most powerful ally, even though we stand no chance at all!
MAJOR WADE: Oh god…you can’t do that! The Asgard are our friends!
SUECOM SOLDIER: THEY’RE CALLED SECTOIDS YOU SACK OF SHIT!!! WE LOVE WATCHING THEM GET VIVISECTED!!! IT’S CALLED MOVIE NIGHT AROUND THERE PARTS!!!
MAJOR WADE: Um…I’ve gotta go…I don’t have time for assholes.
And now the continuation…
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another single chapter and possible oneshot from the Skyrim/GoT crossover section! The fic is only a few months old and hasn’t had any updates, but is described as a “power wank fic” in the author’s bio, so they may add to it when they feel like stroking their SI some more.
It … It gets bad. Really bad. You should go get a headdesking pillow now to avoid the line.
:brief pillow pause:
Everyone prepped and ready? Great! Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
SI insert into game of thrones as the Dragonborn
Well, that’s certainly … succinct.
I woke up to a slow gradual bumping with a headache.
Urgh. I don’t remember drinking last night.
I’m not really a big drinker, but I don’t think hangovers are usually accompanied by bumping sensations.
The last thing I remember was booting up the PC, getting ready to play a heavily modded version of Skyrim.
That probably describes every PC version of Skyrim – Why run vanilla when the Nexus is a thing that exists? – but what kind of mods? There’s a lot of weird stuff under that umbrella. Are we talking “Every dragon is now Thomas the Dank Engine” and there’s tits on the side of the Blue Palace or do you have so many ENBs and graphical enhancements running you have to keep a fire extinguisher trained on your GPU at all times?
Did I fall asleep gaming? I am sitting up so there’s that.
Why would that be an option? Wouldn’t gaming tend to keep you awake, since you’re presumably focused on a particular task?
But things didn’t add up. Why would I be in a rocking upright position if I fell asleep in my apartment?
Do you own a rocking chair?
WILLIAM SHATNER CRAZY MINH as CAPTAIN KIRK CRAZY MINH
LENOARD NIMOY as
COMMANDER SPOCK SIR-NOT-APPEARING-IN-THIS-RIFF-‘CAUSE-HE’S-DEAD (Ethan bloody Peck is #Notmyspock)
Title: XSGCOM Mirror Image
Topic: X-COM: UFO Defence/Stargate SG1
Media: Video game/TV show
Critiqued By Crazy Minh
Hello patrons, and welcome back to ‘SUECOM: Mirror Image’, alternatively titled ‘XSGCOM: Mirror Image’ or ‘XSGCOM: Goa’uld Defence’! I’m your guest riffer Crazy Minh, and today we tackle the second part of chapter one. Last time on this trainwreck of a badfic, X-COM were introduced as the story’s Gary Stumanity analogue; some bumblefuck Jaffa got their asses wrecked to showcase how X-COM has no sense of tact or restraint; and I got so mad that the Bongo’s FHRPAEH magazines were depleted in a prolonged barrage of rocket-propelled hammers! Now, we resume our story just where we left off; from the perspective of a captive Jaffa, who I feel very, very sorry for…
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another oneshot! This one is a ‘true’ oneshot in that there’s just one chapter and it is listed as completed. Also, it’s another Skyrim crossover!
It’s also a Skyrim/Game of Thrones crossover, which actually sounds like a fairly plausible concept to me. We haven’t had a Game of Thrones (or A Song of Ice and Fire, which is the book series the show is based on) before, but I’m fairly confident that most people with Internet access are aware that Game of Thrones is a thing which exists. I’m not going to give a massive SC-style info-dump for this fic because an info-dump for GoT/ASoIaF would stretch for many, many pages, but I’ll try to cover any relevant information as it is needed. It should go without saying that there are major spoilers ahead.
Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
What happens when mages blunder.
If the mage in question is a overly confident Khajiit named J’Zargo, then what happens is that you repeatedly set yourself on fire while trying out his “improved” Flame Cloak scrolls.
Vigdis watched as the Unsullied patrol passed her hiding spot and marched down the narrow street. The ‘Mother of Dragons’ certanly tightened the security in Meereen after the Sons of the Harpy started their murder spree.
Okay, time for some info-dumping.