Hello, everyone! Last time on “In the Absence of Cherry Blossoms,” we watched as Sakura started her first day of American school in which she met a principal that knew way too much about the daily happenings of one random male student that happened to be passing by. That student turned out to be
Creeps-a-lot Bear named Teddy and we witnessed what could only be called clothing porn without the clothing. The purple got pretty thick and then Teddy decided he’s going to just call her “Cherry” instead of using her real name. When we left them, Sakura and Asshole were about to start their first class of the day.
Koori is MIA at the moment but I’m sure she’ll be along soon. Last I saw her she was heading back to Sub-Level 12 to find spare parts for her new Pretentiousness Meter. Herr’s “Great Rift” fic broke it last week.
Chapter three is called “Ten,” which doesn’t currently make any sort of sense. Maybe we’ll find out by the end of this chapter.
Hello, my loyal, long-suffering patrons. Previously on the Half-Jaw boredom fest that is A New Covenant, the Prophet of Truth let his giant fleet get smashed by the humans’ and Sangheili’s even gianter fleet in an action sequence that was only ninety-nine percent sclerotic, while a bunch of Marines harassed one of their buddies to the point where she decided to hook up with an Elite named Marly instead of listen to their pathetic attempts at flirting.
Our unfortunate soldier then got crammed into a Longsword fighter alongside three other gunners, burned her arm, and opted to have a completely non-sexual lifetime monogamous partnership with the Elite rather than just, you know, punch the guy who was harassing her in the jaw or something.
“Chapter 8 is entitled “A Joyful Occasion”… and it’s joyful indeed. After having bombarded with massively overpowered ‘protagonists’, monumental ignorance of the Human-Covenant War, incredible blandness, howling sexism, and the most boring prose I, personally, have ever encountered… today the ‘fic will end.”
Onward, warriors. Fear neither pain nor death! Onward to the end of A New Covenant!
agig: Welcome back to Rei: A New Kind of Princess! *Gulps down a glass of water* God, just saying the title puts a bitter taste in my mouth. Now, without further ado, the chapter.
Chapter 3: Quarrel
Rei flew up toward the figure to find that it was empty. Rei looked confused, wasn’t that Avatar boy supposed to be on it? “Excuse me, bison, what’s your name?”
agig: So she can talk with Bisons? What?
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by SC, Glasses, Ozzy, Rose and Sir Paulo Rori
Paulo: Still struggling with yourself, I take it?
I really don’t want to riff this part, Paulo. I really don’t. I don’t even want to look at it.
Paulo: Due to a character of your fancy being involved?
This entire part is about San. I don’t want to see what disgusting things Stone-Man85 did to her, man.
Paulo: If it should provide you any consolation, you will have the four of us at your side.
You completely forgot what Glasses was like, didn’t you.
Paulo: No, but her children will be-
Her children are exactly the same as her, with the addition of being egotists like their father.
Paulo: …Once we have cleared the hurdle that is chapter ten, Sir Herr will rend Stone-Man85 asunder with his wrath?
…I guess I can force my way through this for that sake. I will suffer immensely, though.
Welcome back to the second half of this slow and stumbling fic, dear Patrons!
What happened in the first chapter? Our intrepid hero, Kristoff, attempted to sell decorative knick-knacks during a time of famine, and was faced with the prospect of serving as a tour guide for Nameless Family (who wanted to go to the top of a desolate mountain for some unknown reason) in order to earn some money. While sulking in the forest, Kristoff managed to summon Zombie Anna out of a rock, and she coerced him (somehow) into taking her up the mountain instead. (It is unclear if Nameless Family are still patiently waiting for Kristoff to arrive.) Kristoff beds down for the night in the snow, but Anna’s relentless chatter drives him to attempt the ascent at night, in the dark. After wandering around for a few minutes, Anna offers to get some transport, and the two venture to a lake where she scratches a message into the ice. Shortly afterwards, Elsa appears as a reflection in the ice, and then drags Kristoff into the frozen lake. Because ice, I guess.
Onward to the fic!
Fear began to swallow him and he attempted to swim, but then he realized that he wasn’t in fact in water, but rather standing on a floor of ice.
I guess ice now possesses the power to teleport people, because his ass should be in an ice-cold lake right now.
Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back to The Great Rift! Today, we continue on our little sortie into purple prose and bad formatting with this fic!
I wish I had more to say, but really, I shouldn’t have to say more.
So let’s get on with the story!
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
Hey, patrons! A spot of good news this week for you all: the chapter today is relatively short!
Unfortunately the chapter after this one is unusually long.
Anyway, last time we were treated to Team Stu curbstomping their way through Hellena prison. Again. After finally getting to the top floor and rescuing Albert from the clutches of Freugel, Lloyd shows up, kills Lavitz, and makes off with one of the Moon Orbs that was cleverly hidden inside Albert. Thanks to the amazing prose in this story, all that had the emotional impact of a lecture on proper lawn care.