2388: Mass Effect: The First War — Chapter 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War, which takes place in Mass Effect!

Last time, a human expedition encountered the quarian Migrant Fleet and exchanged preliminary First Contact transmissions of dubious quality.

And they did so very, very slowly.

first_war_bb_2

Not seeing much movement on the ol’ Bingo Board yet, although we have had some borderline Halo ripoffs and tentative demonization of the turians.

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2258: Halo: Reaching Out! — Chapter 2

Title: Halo: Reaching Out!
Author: xNamikazeKyuubix
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the enthusiastically-titled Halo: Reaching Out!

Previously the story teetered alarmingly close to adequacy when it revealed itself not to be a self-insert in the classical sense like its description claimed, but rather just a regular first-person story centered around Noble Six surviving his last stand at the end of Halo: Reach and trying to get off the planet.

“…”

Hey, I never said it was novel or in any way particularly interesting, just that it had no massive glaring defects. Aside from Six’s red-n-black amour ARMOR and annoying tendency to spell out terms like “Heads’ Up Display” and “Designated Marksman Rifle” that anyone who’s been exposed to military science fiction or just video games in general for more than two seconds would already be familiar with.

Anyway, Six eventually managed to board a Phantom and befriend the pilot, the story’s designated Girl Elite Love Interest who immediately decided to rebel against the Covenant because the constant hundrum sexism of Sangheili culture (which is blamed on the Prophets for some reason) has left her So Numb She Can’t Hit Those Notes. And all this was glued together with a big fat blob of action filler, the TV-dinner mashed potatoes of Halo fanfiction. Let’s see if Chapter 2 manages to completely escape from the sucking pit of mediocrity, or does a nose-dive right back into it!

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2254: Halo: Reaching Out! — Chapter 1

Title: Halo: Reaching Out!
Author: xNamikazeKyuubix
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to the very… enthusiastically-titled Halo: Reaching Out! by… *squints at author name* “Ex nammik-ayze Kai-you-bix”???

“… Is it a porno?”

No?

“Because that sounds like a porno parody title.”

At least I don’t think it was ever intended to proceed to pornography. It is in the ‘romance’ category, though.

“… Some poor fucker’s gonna try to bone his ship’s AI, isn’t he.”

Not exactly. Welcome to the weird, weird world of Halo fem!Elite ‘fics.

“Aw Christ.”

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2103: Halos in Space Trilogy

Title: Halo: Halos in Space, Halo: Halos in Space 2: Aliens attack, Halos in Space: Reflection
Author: squirrelking
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: SciFi/Adventure
URL: 1, 2, 3
Critiqued by Delta XIII

As the old saying goes, “familiarity breeds contempt”, and I have become very familiar with the works of EclipsePheniox over the last…
*checks date of Chapter 1 riff*
…dear God, it’s been over a year.

Anyway, after eleven chapters of Maya and Raider, I need to cleanse my palate, so I’ve decided to go back to a nice, familiar comfort zone: the works of the illustrious squirrelking!

Today, I will be riffing all three of the Halo fics he’s written, partly because they’re short enough that I can put them all together without padding things out too much, and partly because I need a concentrated dose of So Bad It’s Good to get back in the right mindset.

Oh, and, no Pettiness Sin counter this time; that’s exclusively an EP riff thing.

So, without further ado:

EVERYTHING WRONG
WITH
squirrelking’s Halo Trilogy

(spoilers?)
(probably not)

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2062: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 5 Part Two

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the final installment of Friendship, When You Get Right Down To It, Really Isn’t Good For Much Of Anything At All: The Covenant War.

Previously a whole lot of actual military shit went down, and none of it quite made sense. The Covenant assault on Baltimare bogged down into street-to-street urban fighting against suddenly competent ponies, Thel ‘Va(n)damee gave into the Overpowring Force Of Emo and spared a bunch of schoolfillies hiding in a fashion academy (while ordering his troops to kill many more ponies in another area to give them a chance to escape), and then the scene ended with pony forces simultaneously buckling and rallying in a really geographically confusing bit involving the detonation of multiple bridges or something.

And, as always, any actually cool stuff to see happened out of narrative focus.

We also paid a visit to the Celestia Line, where Shining Armor seemed to be holding his own against the Covenant forces save for the pressure of running out of extra supplies. A message arrived along with a train chock-full of extra supplies telling him he was not able to hold the line and was unfit for command, resulting in the promotion of some OC called General Neighal who is basically Prince Blueblood in a nicer suit and with none of the actual character depth in his place.

We resume Chapter 5 already in progress.

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2055: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 4 Part Two and Chapter 5 Part One

 

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4 and Chapter 5
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Friendship Is, Umm, You Know, That Thing That Sometimes Does Stuff: The Covenant War.

Previously, we spent, like, half the chapter just sitting around watching Admiral Antivirus thrust his giant, throbbing heavy cruiser between the waiting hills of Sweet Apple Acres because apparently it wasn’t able to defend Canterlot well enough from its previous position a few kilometers away in the Everfree Forest.

…So they move in to defend Ponyville?

Yeah, because apparently this massive heavy cruiser packed full of Pelican dropships can only operate ground forces in one kilometer-square area at a time.

After the ship (finally!) landed everyone kind of just sat around and had something vaguely approximating a party, with the Apple family bringing cider and fritters, the Marines bringing a barrel of unspecified liquor that they stole from Admiral Hood, Rainbow Dash and some nameless ODST bringing some awkward proto-shipping, and Twilight and Admiral Antivirus bringing a weird conversation about cutie marks that no doubt will have Starlight Glimmer taking copious notes once Season 5 finally rolls around.

We resume the chapter already in progress.

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2049: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 4 Part One

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back from our little detour down the Boulevard of Broken Bugs to Friendship Is A Thing That Almost Certainly Does Indeed Exist: The Covenant War.

I think I made a bit of a hasty decision saying I preferred this over Unity

Last time we saw something actually happen for a change as Queen Luna and Admiral Antivirus met at the Ponyville Town Hall (or just “Townhall” as it’s repeatedly called) to hammer out an alliance between Equestria and the UNSC, which basically amounts to “you want to kill the Covenant and we want to kill the Covenant, here’s a great idea let’s kill the Covenant together!”

After that a lone Phantom with a few Grunts and an Elite onboard showed up on a course for Ponyville, and predictably the massively outsized force striking from ambush took the ground troops out in, like, two seconds.

The humans thought they needed pair of Spartans and an ODST squad to take out, what, 5 guys

A pair of Spartans, an ODST squad, and TWILIGHT MOTHERFUCKING SPARKLE. And also wanton property damage to Sugarcube Corner for no fucking reason other than I guess that ODSTs compare unfavorably to velociraptors in the difficult science of door-opening.

It’s taken us 4 weeks to see the first Grunt die in-narrative. That’s… almost impressively sad. You’re mulching Grunts and Elites with the starter pistol within minutes in the first game, pretty sure.

Yeah, I believe that we’ve officially gone through the rising action, the climax, the denouemant, the falling action, and the running-out of ideas, and are now officially in the part of the classical narrative known as the Death Spiral.

Wait, if we’re on the Death Spiral, why are there still two whole chapters left?

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