Hello hello, all you patrons and welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy, SSJ Lone Wolf’s ME/Halo crossover that is doing its level best to asymptotically approach EclipsePheniox in quality!
Last time Logan-B312 the Noble Stu got barfed onto Eden Prime during the geth/Reaper raid, and immediately put his god-mode Forerunner augmentations to good use by blowing up a bunch of husks and geth and then mentally undressing Jane Shepard and Ash Williams. He saved Nihlus from getting shot by Saren and then immediately beat the shit out of the entire Normandy landing team for having the gall to point their guns at the giant black armored thing that showed up behind them without any warning instead of immediately dropping to their knees in abject worship of his mighty Hyper-Lethal-Vectorness. No hard feelings were had, however, and Logan proceeded to steal all the badassery in the area for himself while disarming the bombs Saren had planted at the Eden Prime docking area. Then Shepard got a headfull of Beacon pretty much as canon, only Logan got to be all Edward Culleny in giving her permission to lose consciousness before carrying her back to the ship.
Amorous Counter: 26
Show and Tell Counter: 7
Hello hello all you Patrons! And welcome back once again to the fetid pile of rampant Stupidity that is The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.
“Last time we got introduced to Logan-B312, aka. *gags* The Grim Reaper, aka. *gags harder* Hyper-Lethal Vector. He got left behind on Reach when the Covvies invaded and almost got himself killed, but then brought back to life by some Forerunner AI called Militant Bias that spent basically the whole rest of the chapter giving him upgraded armor – sorry, upgraded “amour” – upgraded biomedical shit, upgraded weapons to fire upgraded bullets, a Slipspace thingy in his tactical pad that lets him carry basically an entire armory’s worth of gear around and teleport it out whenever he needs it, the military AI Auntie Dot as his own personal assistant on a chip in his helmet, and probably for that matter an upgraded meter-long dick as well. Then he got sent through a portal to what I can only assume is this Eden Prime place the summary talked about, and that was really about it.”
Show and Tell Counter: 6
Amorous Counter: 26
Hello hello all you patrons!
*In the rollie-chair next to Sakai’s, a young man dressed in olive-drab Marine-issue body armor shifts position awkwardly. He is lean but well-built, with pale skin and brown hair cropped military-short.*
Let me introduce Junior Lieutenant Troy William Fisher of Love of a Spartan fame- today’s tactical adviser, DRD-repellant, and all-around badass.
“So… stuff goes on on this screen and we have to pick it apart for the audience? That’s how it works?”
Basically. Let’s start with something… wow. Ok, so this guy. This guy has sixteen different Halo ‘fics, each and every one of them dealing with his Noble-Six Stu. Twelve of them are bizarre crossovers where Noble is transplanted to some random franchise that I am fairly certain does not want him, including Naruto, Bioshock Infinite, and Percy Jackson & The Olympians… or, in this case, Mass Effect.
This chapter contains potential flamebait in the form of discussion of sexual assault and date rape.
Hello hello, all you patrons! Welcome back to the giant creepy after-school special that at some point might have been called Love of a Spartan!
“Previously, we observed the resolution to the pointless ‘Kelly claims Edward doesn’t like Renee and Renee believes her’ arc, as she went out to a bar with Troy Fisher and under the malign, corrupting, and sorcerous influence of a few whiskey-sodas proceeded to be happier than she had ever been while bonded with the Chief (including getting rather physical with the Lieutenant for no real adequately explained reason other than that any amount of alcohol apparently causes her to immediately attempt to couple with the first living thing she sees). Obviously Renee enjoying herself and growing closer to a comrade who respects her and has her best interests at heart was unacceptable to a certain Spartan, and Edward immediately showed up at the site to physically remove Troy from her proximity and carry her by-then insensate body back to the military base and Spartan barracks.”
Terrible Troy Counter: 115
Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 122
Motherfucking Halight Counter: 56
“And this all brings us to Chapter 27/Twenty-six, Turning Point.”
Ohh, this is going to be a turning point all right…
This chapter contains potential flamebait in the form of discussion of sexual assault and date rape. No military component this time, though, just the regular versions.
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to yet another chapter of Love of a Spartan.
Last time, the Hercules stopped over on Reach for a poorly-planned resupply run, where Kelly tried to drive a wedge between Edward and Renee by telling the idiot Marine that the idiot Spartan had ‘dumped’ her with no explanation or preamble. Terrifyingly, this was plan was entirely successful. Renee left with the other Marines and excuses for Marines to have some kind of celebration in the city around the military base (it’s all extremely vague), and Edward asked Amy to give her the message that Kelly lied even though he was five feet away from Renee at the time and could have just fucking told her himself.
“*Sigh….* Remember when this story had something to do with Halo?”
Terrible Troy Counter: 108
Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 114
Fucking Halight Counter: 53
We pick right back up with Chaper 26/Twenty-Five, “Repercussions”.
Can’t we just read that instead?”
Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to Love of a Spartan.
Last chapter was thankfully entirely free of moping, as it focused solely on the Spartans in their mission to deny the Covenant Capricornia’s strategic resources through pinpoint sabotage of their mining equipment blowing everything to smithereens with an anachronistic NOVA bomb. Nobody whose name we know died, but other than that the entire mission, on behalf of both the UNSC and Covenant, was pretty much one massive, poorly-planned, poorly-executed, scientifically-dubious clusterfuck.
“So, basically, exactly what you would expect from Master Chief Petty Officer Edward-117 and Fuck-Shit the Ossoona.
And… that was about it.
Terrible Troy Counter: 106
Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 109
Fucking Halight Counter: 52
“Chapter 25/Twenty-Four is called ‘Deviant Interventions’. The good news is, it isn’t spoiling the main event for once. The bad news is, that’s because neither of us have any idea what it means.”
We’re only doing the one again today and it’s incredibly short, but the chapter that comes after is very long and really quite bizarre, so I wanted a whole riff dedicated to dissecting it.
Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to Love of a Spartan. Only one chapter today, but there’s a lot of stupid crammed into it and so a detailed analysis is definitely warranted.
“Last section, Dr Halsey introduced the assembled SPARTAN-IIs to a very clever and/or completely unfeasible mission to sabotage Covenant mining operations on recently-glassed human colonies and/or have a few dedicated special forces soldiers kill every last alien. During an insanely-designed live-fire, live-target training run for said mission, Edward-117 managed to blunder into a minefield due to his own stupid daydreaming and got himself pretty seriously injured, only- of course– to refuse proper treatment and attempt to tough it out by bringing heavy painkillers with him into battle. Fortunately, this latest stunt was all it took to get the rest of the Spartans to realize what their comrade had become, and he is now officially recognized as the team being sent to Capricornia’s weakest link.
Oh, and there was moping. Lots and lots of moping.”
Terrible Troy Counter: 106
Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 108
Fucking Halight Counter: 52
“We resume with Chapter 24/Twenty-three, which is called ‘Mission NOVA’- Spirits, I wonder what this is going to involve?”