1657: My Inner Life: Chapter 24 Part 2

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert:  This is it.  After this, this godforsaken story is finally, FINALLY, over.

Nora:  *Cracks knuckles*  Bring it on

After we arrived home, we stabled the horses, I put our son to bed then joined Link the tub room. When I got there, he had the tub already filled with hot water and (28)laxiousflower.

Ert:  Two seconds in and we’re already getting hit over the head with this crud.  Ok, what’s it this time?

(29) Laxiousflowers are small purple flowers with herbal powers. These small flowers are only found in the forest and are mainly dried then crushed into a power to use in healing potions or into a liquid for use in herbal tub bathes. When the vapors are breathed in, the medicine of the flower helps to relieve pain and relax tense sore muscles. It is also said that the scent of these flowers occasionally causes seductiveness’, causing one to become easily aroused. Sometimes the vapors from these flowers are used to help a couple relax during intercourse, thus helping the couple experience longer intense periods of lovemaking. aphrodisiac

Ert:  Oh for fuck’s sake.

Nora:  An aphrodisiac huh?  So, we really are heading back to this stories roots.  I can’t wait for there to be laughably bad science on top of all the sex.  Are they trying to make their kid strong again by constantly having sex?  Are we still on that train of batshit insane logic?

Goeth:  Who in the world uses a potential aphrodisiac in a healing potions?  I know we tend to let a lot slide in the “side effects may include” category, but this is seriously pushing it.

Read the rest of this entry »


1649: My Inner Life: Chapter 24 Part 1

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert:  Well, it’s the last chapter to this Godforsaken story.  Let’s just get it done and over with.

Nora:  No fanfare, let’s just get right into it.

Evading the Shadow
The trip back was quiet for the most part, although we did worry about Draconians patrolling the skies or Dark Knights on ground patrol. We kept on trails that were mainly concealed, avoiding open areas or staying in one place for too long. We rode all night long, taking turns sleeping on horseback.

Nora:  They need sleep.  The horses, on the other hand, are possessed by evil spirits that will force them to keep running until the end of time.

Goeth:  Could be worse.

http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-2872

I was the first one to sleep while Link guided my horse by rope. Then we switched and I took the lead guiding his horse till morning.

Ert:  Because Jenna strikes me as the type of person who could sleep when her horse is maintaining a full gallop.

Read the rest of this entry »


1635: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 4

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert:  Thank God, I think we’ll finally be able to finish up this chapter.  Only took us the better part of two months.

Nora:  It’s been a long ass road, and not one I’m certain we should’ve walked.

Goeth:  If we ever go back to this, Ert has been thinking about doing the a Harry Potter fanfic (Might as well round off our rifting careers with some good old Ron the Death Eater) but we need to check potential works to make sure we don’t get bored to death halfway through.

Ert:  Anyway, Link and Jenna proved that they couldn’t be allowed off on their own and got drunk while they were supposed to be on an important mission and Jenna was pregnant.

 When I awoke the next morning my head felt like I had been hit with a heavy piece of wood.

Ert:  *Hides 2×4 behind his back*

Painfully I lifted my head up and saw Link already up and dressing. Struggling to get up, I managed to sit up on the side of the bed, my head swimming with the after effects of the Griffin Spice.

Nora:  She saw armies marching across the galaxy in a bloody jihad, screaming “Muad’Dib!  Muad’Dib!”

Read the rest of this entry »


1628: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 3

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: God, this chapter just refuses to fucking end.

Nora: Keep pushing forward Ert. We’re almost there.

After the smoke cleared, I found Dalamar had crash-landed about twenty meters from where the dragons once stood. I ran over to him as the Griffin slowly opened his crystal blue eyes halfway.

Ert: Again with the fucking eyes. Question, what’s the point of hammering in the same description over and over again? The idea is to establish a person’s appearance when you do that, or else remind them if it’s been awhile and/or helps set the tone. For example, if Goeth just did something…Goethy, I’d remind the reader at how greasy his hair is, or that his golden tooth was glinting brightly. It meshes nicely with the idea of him being unhinged.

Goeth: Here, it’s just copy and paste being utilized.

“Did you do it my friend?” Nodding, tears began to well up in my eyes as I watched his falter. “Dalamar…don’t you dare leave me!” I cried as my hands grabbed down on the feathers around his neck. “I’m fine, m’ lady, just…tired.” Dalamar replied his voice raspy and stuttered.

Nora: LQ? That’s not how tension works. At all. We need to actually believe that Hugh is going to die. And we know that you don’t have the guts to kill anyone in this story if they haven’t recently twirled the mustache.

“Where’s Link Dalamar, what did you do with him!?” I cried again, yanking on his white feathers. “Calm down lass, he’s right here next to me on my other side, he’s fine but unconscious.” Dalamar whispered just before unconsciousness clamed him as well.

Ert: I see that frantic battle to the death was set to unconscious mode. Someone who’s actually read Dragonlance, please tell me that the battles there were a little more exciting and tense than that?

Goeth: They would be if a hero got so much as a nosebleed.

Read the rest of this entry »


1613: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 2

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: I’m sad to say that this is going to be the last story that we rift for a good long while. IRL is being a massive asshole to me, I’m stressing a lot, and I just don’t have the same passion that I used to for this line of work. I’m trying to sort my life out and I’m kind of clueless in that regard. Either way, I need to take a break.

Nora: Kind of morose. Let’s just jump right into things.

“I think you should stay here the night.” “It wouldn’t be wise to travel until sunrise.” “But one thing is worrying me now, is this Ariakas, planning to invade Hyrule?” Zelda questioned the Griffin with fear in her voice.

Goeth: Why in the world would you think that? This battle has been going on for centuries. If it’s gone on that long and you don’t even know who he is, do you really think that he’s planning on invading your kingdom?

Ert: I’m still mad that Zelda somehow knew about Giffins yet didn’t know about this generic dark lord.

“Honestly m’ lady, I couldn’t tell you.” “For as much as I can tell you, it seems that the Dark Knights have remained solely to the north, but with as much twisted desire Ariakas has I wouldn’t be too surprised if he does plan on spreading his control past the (17)Black Desert.”

Ert: UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

(17) The Black Desert is a dangerous and treacherous desert that borders Hyrule’s western border. This desert is well known for its thick black sand and dangerously immense heat, hence the name Black Desert. Only one so brave with a strong will manages to cross the immense Black Desert and lives to tell about it. Most who attempt to cross it, either die from heat exhaustion, or get lost in it.

Nora: Black sand? Anyone want to tell me how the hell that happened?

Read the rest of this entry »


1605: My Inner Life: Chapter 23 Part 1

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert: Dear. GOD! Look at the fucking size of this chapter! Nearly 15k words.

Goeth: I’ll put the coffee on.

Nora: Double for me.

A New Friend
A few months later,

Ert: Stop. Just fucking stop with the time skips. You can’t do it, you just can’t fucking do it.

Nora: Feels like Frank Miller wrote this drek.

Link and I were at Lake Hylia with our son and fairies on a family picnic, when the most amazing thing happened.

Nora: The narrator suffered a fatal heart attack!

Nora: Forcing the story to end!

I have always remembered stories being told me by my parents about a noble race of creatures called Griffins. It was told to me that these wise and noble creatures live in the (12)Black Mountains just north of (13)Dragonmount, which was a day’s ride from Hyrule. I had never thought I would have ever met one of these noble creatures until now……..

Ert: The Black Mountains? The Black Mountains!? SO THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN FUCKING NORTH CAROLINA!?

Read the rest of this entry »


1599: My Inner Life – Chapter 22

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

MOAR SEX!

Ert: Well, we’re getting close to the end. Sorta. Kinda. There’s only a couple of chapters left, but the one after this one is a massive doorstopper. So we’ll see how long it takes for us to get through it. Lot going on right now, so we only have time for one chapter this week. Onward and upward.

Life Resumes (Anniversary Night)
A year has passed since I discovered that I was a descended of the Silverlite race.

Ert: First sentence and I already hate this chapter. A year? A whole fucking year? Three-hundred and sixty-five and a quarter days have gone by? And not a single thing that happened in that time period was worth covering in detail? Seriously? FUCKING SERIOUSLY!?

Nora: On the one hand, it saves us the boredom of having to go through it. On the other hand, it’s really stupid and badly written.

I became appointed under the Goddesses to protect the Legendary Triforce along with the “Hero of Time”. And became one of the most powerful in all of Hyrule.

Ert: God. I hate it when people loosely use terms like “strong” and “powerful” in fiction. How are you powerful? Are you talking about political influence? Or your goddamn DBZ power level?

Though life resumed between Link and I. Our son was now a year and half old. He was now walking and has learned to speak certain words.

Goeth: LQ finally gets developmental milestones for babies down. Well, a broken clock is right twice a day and all that.

Read the rest of this entry »