2635: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 13 Part 3

-WARNING-
After dancing right up to it and back again for God knows how many scenes, the ‘fic finally decides to go right out into the open with the Hiroshima reference in this chapter. Not only that, but it also gets much more current and starts throwing around War On Terror talking points in the same section. Our usual watchwords of “Try to be less incendiary than the ‘fic itself” thus leave a lot of space underneath them in this instance. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the civility and reasonableness with which people have discussed these kinds of issues in other riffs of this ‘fic before- please do your best to see that it continues.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Council finally got its ass in gear and prepared for a full-scale war against the Stumans, which they planned to prosecute by… doing nothing other than affixing a tracking device to the Stumans’ retreating flagship so that they can find the location of Earth… which they already know twice over. And this tracking device somehow involves “nanomachines” as well because basically everything in this story does.

The really sad part is, this still counts as progress for the Council.

Also, some CODbro we don’t care about had a really delayed reaction to getting hit with a biotic attack, which somehow led the human scientists to conclude that Element Zero Element U got released into Earth’s atmosphere to presumably explain the later existence of human biotics.

first_war_bb_11

Read the rest of this entry »


2632: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Finale

Title:Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

Notice:  Lots of explicit content this week.  Not safe for work or anyone who wants to avoid smut.

We’re finally here, patrons, the last installment!

Unfortunately, we still have to riff it and it’s going to be another marathon installment like the last one.  Swenia is still here hoping to catch some of the action.

“Dern tootin'”

And the bleachers were already full when I arrived.

*Popcorn rains down on Taco and the crowd begins to chant* “BRING! ON! THE! PORN!”

Why did you invite them?

“Because you stopped early last time and I’m a vengeful soul.”

Okay, fair enough.  Want to attempt a Crunchy-cap?

“Sure.  Changing, strong spirits, and a boring-ass dance-party.”

Works for me, let’s check out the cringy couple as they try to get past the fact that one of them is roaring drunk.

For a while, it was quiet. The walk back was longer than either of them had anticipated, and any stirrings of arousal that the dance might have conjured had faded somewhat and a subtly awkward silence replaced it until Link found the courage to grasp Ashei’s hand and run his thumb gently over the back, relishing the softness of her skin.

Speaking of subtly awkward.

“I don’t think that sentence counted as subtly awkward.”

“Did they… did you bathe?” he asked quietly, the first words either of them had spoken since slipping away from the festivities.

“Rude.  Especially since you didn’t.”

Read the rest of this entry »


2627: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Thirty, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy Swenia

Hello, patrons!  We’re finally here, the last chapter!   With me as al-  Swenia, what the hell are you doing here?

Aw crap, it’s going to be one of those kinds of chapters, isn’t it?

“Crunchy read ahead and was very persuasive in convincing me to sit in for him.”

In that he told you there would be nudity and/or sex?

“Yup!  I was also able to haggle some babysitting out of him in return for sparing him from *ahem* ‘Another of those accursed interlude chapters.'”

I see.  I don’t suppose he-

*Swenia pulls out a small piece of paper and unfolds it before reading*

“‘Metallurgy, witch shenanigans, and refusal to dodge.'”

Right, then, let’s see what we’re in for!

Disclaimer: *checks pockets* I have five bucks. I don’t own this.

“Are the disclaimers normally this depressing?”

Most are a little worse, honestly.

Author’s Notes-

PLEASE READ: There is a section of NSFW smut in this chapter. If that isn’t your cup of tea, please skip from right after the dance sequence to the next to last line break.

“My cup of tea!?  Way ahead of you, girl!”  *Swenia pulls an overflowing bucket of popcorn out of somewhere*

Dragon Age is still a huge obsession, but I think I’m dealing with it?

“Do we know what that means?”

Between Calvin Klein and Obsession lies Dragon Age.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no.'”

Read the rest of this entry »


2622: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Nine, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Here we are, the final regurgitation!  Crunchy!

“Injury hang-ups unhung by recovering from them, scar fondling, and then dungeoningeoning.”

Fantastic, let’s finish this chapter off!  We join the tepid quartet on location right after the fight with the Iron Knuckle.

“Well,” Obi-Wan said in between breaths as they took stock of their injuries and waited for their hearts to return to a normal pace, “that could’ve been worse, I suppose.”

“That follows.  The worst injury sustained is that the Jedi are winded.  Still it certainly could have gone better, primarily through a liberal application of the Force and lightsabers.”

Link spat out some of the dirt that had gotten caught between his teeth as Ashei tended to the cuts on his face from the exploding rubble. “Yeah, why can’t every battle we have go like that?

Overly complicated with the Jedi not contributing?  I’m pretty sure ALL the battles go like that.

“Aside from the boss battles, which are brief with the Jedi not contributing.”

 Well, I guess it would be significantly less interesting if things went that right every time, but still… wouldn’t kill the world to be a little boring every once in awhile, you know?”

*Crunchy hisses and covers his snout* “The irony burns!”

Read the rest of this entry »


2618: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Nine, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

And here we are, the last regurgitation chapter.  Sadly, I went back in checked, and it’s also the longest chapter in the fic by about a hundred words.  Fortunately, we’ve suffered through so many regurgitation chapters that I’m not going to feel bad summarizing large swaths of this one.  Let’s get cracking!  Crunchy?

“Crawling in the dungeon, metal leather straps, standard deviations, and Auru continuing his trend of inaction.”

Perfect!  Let’s check out this chapter’s disclaimer and author’s note.

Disclaimer: Do we really own anything?

Possibly debatable, since ownership is a societal construct; however, as a construct the validation of ownership is pursuant to societies definition of owning something.  Whether or not you agree with society’s view on ownership, it’s probably still a good idea to at least assume you own your own meat bag.  Bad things happen when that basic ownership is not assumed.

I mean, it’s all just plot devices, right?

“No?  I am not at all convinced that an entity laying claim to physical or intellectual property could be considered entirely plot devices.”

Still, I think a patent law thriller is something the world needs.

Wait… there’s something in the water isn’t there?

Is there?  Let me check.

Hmm, I think it’s just a bunch of sticks that are catching the light in a weird way.

“It is quite obviously a duck and its shadow being partially obscured by a wave.”

I’m not usually so philosophical…

Says the author who has broken down into pseudo-philosophical ramblings almost every time she ventured away from the plot she was stealing.

Read the rest of this entry »