2212: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Thirteen, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

My how the time flies when you’re deep in the throes of an eggnog fueled holiday daze.

“Yet you maintain that Sithmas is the most stressful of the winter holidays.”

Dude, most of the other holidays don’t involve having to plan defenses against Thanos’ invading forces.

“I assure you his company is still more genial than that of Krampus.”

No argument there.  Anyway, what happened last week?

“If I must.  The adventuring party had finally made their way to the Lost Woods in search of the Forest Temple.  On their way, they stumble upon a wolfing in progress, which they prevented with an application of lethal force; pick up another party member, who is predictably pointless yet still a better guide than Ashei; and eventually square off against a giant moblin, who absolutely was not Cyber-Carl.  After some decidedly asinine combat acrobatics, not-Carl is dead and they proceed into the Sacred Meadow, where Sheik was waiting for them with a sheet music delivery.”

Amazingly, as padded as it was, the first half of this chapter upholds our observation that the game-plot exposition chapters have significantly more going on in them than the chapters where Vikki is trying to write her own stuff.  Speaking of exposition, let’s just pick up where we left off: the party once again stopping to discuss something that just happened.

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2207: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Thirteen, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Welcome back, patrons!  Today we’re going to be getting more than our fair helping of exposition, which I know you’re all super excited for, so let’s plow through this preamble!

“You seem rather uncharacteristically energetic this morning.”

I got three hours of sleep last night and am already on my fifth cup of coffee!  This hour!

*Taco twitches*

That’s probably nothing!

“Ah, yes, well fortunately for your sense of momentum, not much happened last chapter beyond the tepid party acquiring the hook shot and then partaking of a mercilessly music-free training montage.  An hour later, after becoming sufficiently trained, the party was roped into distracting an evil ranch hand so that a thief worse at their job than Contacts could pick a lock.”

I don’t think he was actually a thief.

“That would explain why he was so utterly incapable of doing a single-person job by himself.”

Well, that was more to do with how useless everyone in the fic is.  Speaking of which, we have a fic header to tackle!

“Imagine my excitement.”

Disclaimer: (hastily written sign says: Tuesdays: Virtual Spaghetti Night!)

(little sign beneath it says: And in Article 6, Section 11… I don’t own this…)

Fuck it, I’m counting it because there’s no reason for this to be parenthetical.

*SLAM*

I don’t own anything (Except the things protected by the forcefield): 57

Author’s Notes-

Still waiting for my glaze… oh yeah, you don’t know about that.

“And yet that did not prevent you from bringing it up.”

Well, I took a ceramics class last year and made some pretty cool stuff with it.

We don’t care.

I made a couple pots, a marker holder, a vase, and an Ocarina.

We still don’t care.

I want to glaze it blue just like the Ocarina of Time, but my art teacher still hasn’t fired it in the kiln.

“Do we care yet?”

We do not.

And if you can find the review button, make sure to use the hand sanitizer supplied on the desk right next to it: it’s a tad dusty.

“Why is the hand sanitizer dusty?”

I dunno, but you should use some hand sanitizer after you use that hand sanitizer.

I think there might be some cobwebs on it too… well, I thought I’d be nice and provide you with something to clean your hands with.

Oh well. Anyway, you people go read.

I’d like to think that someday Vikki will look back on these pleads for attention and be embarrassed.

“You are such a romantic at heart.”

(NOTE: By the time I finished writing this I finally did get my glaze. My vase and Ocarina are now going to be fired on Tuesday, whoo! Yes!)

Check it.

*Crunchy pokes at a dial on the riffing console*

“According to this entirely unrelated dial, we still do not care.”

I suspected as much.

Onwards to exposition!

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2201: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twelve, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

It’s Wednesday again, so you know what that means?

“You subject me to the least Star Wars-like Star Wars fic you could find?”

Well, not ONLY that, but largely that, yes.  Last time not a lot happened.  Essentially Vikki took the ten minutes of the game you spend on the Dampé hookshot quest and stretched it out to five-thousand words of her characters talking about the quest and bumbling around.  Oh, and Dampé the malformed gravedigger has been replaced with Shad’s model from Twilight Princess, because sexy.  We ended the riff last week right as the party finally got themselves into the caves under Dampé’s grave and met up with his ghost.

“That is distressingly terse for as long as the entry was last week.”

Unfortunately Vikki isn’t really aware that there is a difference between fleshing-out a scene, and padding it to within an inch of its life.  Speak of which, let’s dive back into the padding already in progress!

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2196: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twelve, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

*Taco drags himself into Riffing Control, draped in a large blanket and holding a mug of steaming liquid*

“You look like something I would cull from the herd.”

November, yo.  The boys bring all manner of fun little bugs home from the educational petri dish.  Let’s just get this over with so I can crawl back into bed and hibernate for a few days.

“Very well.  Last week we had action!  Or the random, pointless, and daybook equivalent of such, at the least.  Sandwiched handily between the two bouts of action was also a discussion on the finer points of Hyrule gate history.  Those of a more observant nature will have noticed the gate discourse was every bit as needless as the action scenes.  Finally the chapter wrapped up with the party being ambushed by Impa, who assaulted them with her dubious nature and inability to recognize grown versions of children she once knew.  Sadly, this procession of padding did nothing to further the plot in any significant way, so perhaps we shall see better progress this week.”

You forgot about Carl.

“Handy you should mention that, we are now offering competitively priced ‘Team Carl’ shirts in the gift shop.  You can find them between the ‘We <3 Big Mama T’ and ‘Heat Death of the Universe 4 President’ shirts.”

We have a gift shop!?

“We certainly do now.”

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2191: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Eleven, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to The True Force, the fic that’s big on regurgitation but small on Force.  With me again is our Star Wars correspondent retired Darth Lord Crunchy.

“I hope there is actually some Star Wars this week to provide my expertise on.”

What are you talking about, there was Star Wars last week.

“Obi Wan stood next to a building and tried to make small talk.  That scarcely counts.”

It doesn’t?  Oh.  Well then this week is going to be a bit of a let down.

“Curses!”

Speaking of let downs, last week was light on the story and heavy on the padding.  In this case we shoveled through about six thousand words of Link being understandably upset to find himself seven years in the future amidst an apocalypse that he had a hand in bringing about.  After a little ‘run of sadness’ followed by more talking about how upset he is, the plot eventually decides it’s okay for him and Ashei to recognize each other, and they do so.  That was pretty much it.  Also, Link can apparently use the Force now, because that was needed.

Onwards to disappointment!

“Not among the more encouraging battle cries I have rallied to.”

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2184: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Eleven, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Well, we had a nice, spooky time in October, but now it’s time to get back to work.  Back to work shoveling copious amounts of Ocarina of Time exposition.  With me again is our Star Wars correspondent, Crunchy.

“I wish to remind you that I will be sending a consultancy invoice after this project is complete.”

For somebody dedicated to being retired, you sure spend a lot of your time doing paperwork.

“The habits from life follow you into the afterlife, my dear boy.”

I’m not sure that made any sense, but whatever.  Since it’s been a while, let’s hit the patrons with a bit of a recap.

“It is quite simple.  Up until now was the first act of Ocarina of Time, with a little bit of Star Wars tacked on at the end.  In chapter ten we saw Obi Wan and Anakin land in the city of the dead and were fittingly greeted by the specter of Auru.  In the meanwhile, Ashei finally started her journey toward Suedom, with a secret garden, special powers, and the plot implying that she is the last hope; as opposed to the protagonist who is canonically the only hope.”

Basically we’ve got Ocarina of Time with some Star Wars references and a budding Mary Sue.  We also have really obnoxious headers, of which I’ll still only be showing the ever inane disclaimers and author’s notes.

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2177: Slasher Oneshot Marathon!

Title: The texas chainsaw massacre: once again; The Real Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween: Death Comes Calling; Fiery Passion; New masked killer; Murder from Scream
Author: doctorwhofan123456789; G.I. Joe Adventure Team; KLeslie; bloodyrose2014; Droids Boys; MeLoNa05
Media: Film
Topic: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Scream; Scream
Genre: Horror / Drama; Crime / Horror; Horror / Romance; Romance / Horror; Horror / Drama; Horror / Poetry
URL: The texas chainsaw massacre: once againThe Real Texas Chainsaw MassacreHalloween: Death Comes CallingFiery PassionNew masked killerMurder from Scream
Critiqued by BatJamags (and Spider-Man)

A little game for the reader: By the end of the riff, guess which YouTube channel I’ve been watching a lot of recently.

Also, when I say “marathon,” I mean it. This is long, but I was having way too much fun to cut it down. Just thought I’d let you know ahead of time. Seriously, though, it’s about three times as long as my normal riffs.

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to Man. It is a dimension as vast as the author’s note to My Inner Life, and as timesquiggly as My Immortal. It is the middle ground between light and Edgelord, between thermal radiation and BLUE; and it lies between the pit of a riffer’s fears and the summit of his anger. This is the dimension of bad horror oneshots. It is an area which we call… the Badfic Zone.

Respectfully submitted for your derision: A cavalcade of spooky, scary, and quite possibly skeletal oneshots from a wide selection of horror films!

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