2558: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Five, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, patrons!  Welcome back to True Force High!  Where the drama is made up and the plot points don’t exist!   We’re in for a bit of a treat during the next three parts of the riff since this is the first chapter where Vikki actually adds her own dungeon!  Sorta.

“Oh dear.”

Yeah, expect things to get padded and trite as hell.  Not to mention filled with scenes of stuff stolen from other sources.  Regardless, let’s have some of that sweet, sweet recap action.

“Garish Wilford Brimley exposits on socio-political issues while the forgettable one of great aesthetics ruminates on his wasted existence.”

Wow, at the time it didn’t seem like much was going on, but now I feel validated in that viewpoint.  Let’s check out our fresh chapter header!

Disclaimer: Would I be writing this if I owned these franchises?

If not, that would be reason enough to consider giving you ownership.

Well, even if I were, I’d be busy making it a reality instead of leaving it here to gather cyber dust on a data sever somewhere.

“Implying she would be overseeing a remake?”

Ouch.

 (Because really, what else is it doing?)

Apparently Vikki was not aware that both franchises were active during the time she was writing this.  At the time Vikki was writing this series, the Zelda team at nintendo was wrapping up production of Skyward Sword while planning pre-production of Link Between Worlds, and Lucasfilm was in talks with Disney for the merger while also producing the fourth season of the Clone Wars series.

Am I surprised she didn’t know what was going on with the franchises she was steeling from?  No, no I am not.

Author’s Notes-

No luck on the job… wish me luck while I continue searching, I guess.

Irrelevant, but it’s still a bummer.

“Primarily because she ended up having more available time for writing.”

As for progress? We’re getting there.

“Where would that be, again?”

I has to be some kind of word-count goal or something.

(Been drawing a bunch of junk to get my mind off the job bust.  Listening to Harry Potter audiobooks… should have some time before the next one is available for download so now I’m here, writing this.)

This is all incredibly irrelevant, but I suppose anything that can distract enough to stop you from writing more of this can’t be a bad thing.

Don’t really know where we’re going to end up, but hey… here we go! :D

“That is deeply foreboding.”

Please, by now we’re well aware that Vikki wrote this whole fic without a plan and without a clue.

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2554: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Four, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

All right, time to finish up chapter twenty-four with yet more thrilling shopping!  Honestly, it’s weird that the fic has had so many chapters where the party stops to do some shopping.  Crunchy, hit us with that unhelpful recap!

“Machinational machinery malfunctions, token equine inclusions, and looming immobile murderous marauders.”

Ah, sweet poetic nonsense.  Let’s get cracking!

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2538: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Three, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz *SNERK*

*Taco sits bolt upright*

Whazza?  How long was I out?  *Checks his phone* A week!?  Oh, this damn boring fic.  Crunchy!

*Crunchy’s eyelids slide open and he straightens his neck from resting position.*  “Hmm.  Wednesday already?”

Already?

“When you reach my age, you will learn the importance of napping.”

Dude, a week is closer to a coma.

“When you reach my age, you will learn the importance of limited duration comas.”

Whatever, what happened last week?

“Discussion, reiteration, bathing,” *Crunchy picks up a piece of paper which was left on the desk* “and apparently ‘the girls’ were placed in confinement.”

Fabulous, let’s finish this chapter off.  It’s the second-to-last interlude chapter, so hopefully we’ll only have to suffer through this level of meandering pointlessness one more time.

“The typical level of meandering pointlessness will remain, yes?”

Sadly, this is true.

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2531: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Three, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hello and welcome back to chapter twenty-three: Revelations, emotional manipulation edition.  Everyone get your safety padding on because you’re about to get worked over by the rod of feelings.  I have Crunchy already on deck in case you were fortunate enough to have missed last week and need help getting up to speed.

“Girl talk followed by the revelation that we most dearly cherish those things which we cannot bear to have associated with us.  Additionally, magic is objectively not worth practicing due to the scheduling requirements.”

Very informative, let’s get back into this pile so that we can watch the tepid adventurers discuss Ashei’s parents.

Obi-Wan was laughing as she entered the kitchen at some joke that was likely either Anakin’s or at Anakin’s expense, and his eyes flickered to Ashei as she walked in.

Shit, she’s here, act casual!

He noticed her thoughtful expression and quirked a curious eyebrow in question, reminding her of the thing she’d wanted to ask him.

“Ashei.”

She turned towards the sound, a bit surprised that it hadn’t come from Obi-Wan. She blinked in surprise.

“Jedi think it far more amusing to throw their voices than it in fact is.”

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2525: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Three, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Here we are, people, the chapter everyone has been waiting for: the chapter entirely dedicated to exposition on the Pointless Sue’s backstory.  I’m sure you’re all as excited as I am.  Want to hit us with that sweet, sweet recap action, Crunchy?

“Absolutely.”  *Crunchy starts to pull out a djembe and four action figures*

Okay, I think we get the idea.

“Blast!  Though I believe you owe us a set of predictions for this chapter, yes?”

Yup, I’ve spent about four minutes thinking about this, so I’d like to present the following as my predictions for what we get dropped in this chapter.

  • Ashei is Auru’s daughter which was kept a secret because reasons.
    • Bonus points for the reasons being stupid and basically come down to a mixture of douchebandonment and keeping a secret just so that there’s a secret.
    • Double bonus if she’s the product of an affair between Auru and the Queen or, more likely, some kind of suddenly existing queen’s sister or some similar nonsense.
      • It’s almost certainly going to be Impa, but I’m waiting for the royal blood tie-in.
  • The words “Last Hope” are used at least once.
  • Auru is unironically described as ‘giving a sad look.’
  • Ashei is some kind of special child who joins both the Force and Hyrulian magic in some kind of bullshit way.
    • Redemption bonus if Ashei is a genetically engineered magical soldier created from the royal family’s DNA.
  • Unfortunately it turned out that Impa knew all along
  • Ashei is described as the default inheriter of the throne if something were to happen to Zelda.
    • Hyper bonus if Ashei is unironically described as a backup princess of legend.
  • Ashei is told about some other dormant power(s) she’s supposed to have.
  • The words “coming of age” are used to describe her suddenly blossoming into a Sue.
  • Her relationship with Link was foretold by legend somehow.
  • Ashei is the princess in the legend and not Zelda.
  • Super Mega Bonus Prediction: Ashei is described as a Sage who gets to stay in Hyrule.

“You truly think all those things will be in this chapter?”

Eh, some of those are more flippant than others, I’d consider it a win if even half of them were in the chapter.

“And by ‘win’ you mean ‘horrible loss,’ yes?”

Yep.  Let’s get cracking!

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2520: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part Four

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Whew, here we are, the last part of the herculean chapter twenty-two.  Finally.  No reason to beat about the bush this week, so hit us with that recap action, Crunchy!

“The dead yachting continues unabated despite the horrific collisions, the whelp admits connections to the dark side while investigators examine claims of inappropriate personal protective equipment, and the construction of a new bridge was started today amid cries that damage to the historical architecture is likely.”

Gloriously obtuse.  Let’s dig in!

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2515: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

*Taco slowly lumbers into the room, and looks around blearily before focusing his attention on Crunchy, who is sleeping prone on his heat rock*

Ugh, did you get the number of that party that hit us?

*One of Crunchy’s bloodshot eyes slides halfway open and focuses on Taco*

“I suppose we should be so fortunate that it did not cause a full-Library respawn event.”

I’m not sure that it didn’t.  Things get a bit hazy after the round of full-contact Agricola.

“Neither of us is garbed as a giant penguin, so it seems a fair assumption.”

Yeah, there is that.  Regardless, it’s pretty quiet out there this morning, I think most of the Library is sleeping in today.  *Taco holds out a Suddenly There™ cup of roughage to Crunchy*  Thankfully our barista is a vampire.

*Crunchy slowly rises from his rock, tests each leg carefully before putting weight on it, and reaches unsteadily out to grasp the roughage with lightly trembling talons*

You feeling up to a recap.

“I suppose I could put something together.  Ahem, a fourteen-year-old D&D campaign proceeds with at least one member usually in the party’s search checks. Meanwhile the GM constantly forgets the mechanics of the game’s magic system.”

Good enough, let’s see what dungeon crawling shenanigans they get up to this week.

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