2496: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 30

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 30
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags), Kane, and Malcolm

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and this is another chapter of The Shadow Warriors! Last time, we had a villain team-up of that Gallagher guy who showed up at the end of Sam Motherfuckin’ Jackson’s story arc, that Leonae nutjob who got his arms brutally exploded, yet another “Iron Man but with GUNS and SWORDS and SKULLS” character, someone who I think was supposed to be Jean White, a new guy in a white cloak who’s apparently Sovereign’s evil twin or something (Maybe I’ll call him Harbinger), and Hush.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Kane: I’d rather not, but it seems we’ve little choice in the matter.

GAH! Every time. Oh, and who’s Tall, Dark, and Bald there behind you?

*Behind Kane stands a large, muscular (and bald) man in black sleeveless robes and a mask that covers the lower half of his face. He looks rather bewildered.*

?: Wha- Kane. Why have you brought me here?! Is this another one of your tricks?

Kane: Calm yourself, Malcolm. You’ll give yourself another ulcer. Then we’ll have to get Constantine to heal you, and no one wants that.

*Malcolm attempts to punch Kane, who actually recoils slightly before sidestepping out of the way*

Kane: *Looking at GoodJamags* I’ve been mentioning my old adventuring party, so I thought I’d bring one along. Malcolm here is a monk with… anger management issues.

[Meta note: Kane and Malcolm (and the other five, Constantine, Lady Adelaide, Revenore, Erik, and Ylva) are designed as characters for a fic based on Dungeons & Dragons that may or may not materialize at some point in the future, but I might also play as them at some point in the actual game. However, they’re both characters I created.]

Malcolm: Do not mock me, sorcerer!

Kane: We’ve been over this. I am a Warlock, and you will remember this. As I was saying, Malcolm was exiled from his monastery for his inability to control his emotions. I, along with some other associates of mine, helped him train to go back and kill every monk in that monastery. It was one of our finest moments. I thought that as one of the edgiest members of our group, he’d have a unique perspective on this tale.

Is he up to speed?

Kane: Naturally. I always plan ahead.

Bet he hasn’t seen this chapter’s chapterly news briefing!

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

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2491: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 29

[Sorry about the late post, patrons. I’ve been busy and didn’t check that this was set for the right time.]

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 29
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags) and Kane

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and today we’re tackling another chapter of The Shadow Warriors. Fun stuff. But first, your chapterly news briefing:

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

Chapter 29: Pure Evil

Oh, so this chapter is about Edgelord?

But then again, aren’t they all?

Authors Note: Okay people, I got a lot of ideas from some new reviews and some new characters both villains and heroes this story arc goes out to Light Seeker 001. I made a few changes but the plot is still the same, I got big plans for the climax of Slade which hopefully will be out by Christmas. Also, later I’m gonna put up all the dossiers of the Shadow Warriors and the Villains on a separate story later tonight so enjoy!

No.

No no no.

No no no no no no no no.

NOT MORE EDGELORDS! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT! HELP! HELP! LET ME OUT OF HERE! I’VE GOT TO-

*Tranquilized*

Kane: It seems I’ll have to step in earlier than expected.

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2487: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 28

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comic Book / Video Game?!
Topic: Justice League / Assassin’s Creed?!
Genre: Crime / Mystery
URL: Chapter 28
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with the midpoint of our harrowing journey through this five-chapter chunk of The Shadow Warriors! Before we get started, here’s your chapterly news briefing:

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

Chapter 28: Happy Birthday/Halloween

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2482: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 27, Part 2

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 27 – https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8306604/27/The-Shadow-Warriors
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with the second half of this really long chapter of The Shadow Warriors! When we last left off, the Dork Patrol was storming the McEvil Alliance’s headquarters and whining about how Jean Grey needed his revenge.

Phoenix was storming through the holding area of the labs, passing many kidnapped children and teenagers along the way. He grimaced at the fact that Cole was stealing kids off the streets as they were nothing no one would miss.

So… they were something someone would miss.

Double negatives!

As he walked he stopped when he saw a small child no more than five years old. The two made eye contact as Phoenix saw his past and his pain in his eyes.

*Fails to dodge and gets cut by all that edge*

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2477: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 27, Part 1

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 27 – https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8306604/27/The-Shadow-Warriors
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with yet another less-than-thrilling chapter of The Shadow Warriors. Last time, Jean Grey angsted about his backstory (in which Dami(a/e)n Cole, sometimes known as Cole Damien but not, to date, as Cole Damian, twirled his moustache aggressively and Baby Jean Grey failed to SAVE MARTHA), Edgelord ESCAPED THROUGH A PLOT PORTAL TO AVOID BEING SOUNDLY DEFEATED BY THE REAL HEROES, and then the two of them stole the Batmobile for some bizarre reason.

Make sense? No? Who cares? We’re doing the next chapter!

Crap, it’s LONG. This’ll probably be a two-parter, so let’s get your chapterly news briefing out of the way now.

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

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2470: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 26

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 26 – https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8306604/26/The-Shadow-Warriors
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags and BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags…

BadJamags: … and I’ve been dragged into riffing this piece of shit again because fuckin’ GJ’s turned it into a Thing™ where I have to join in on the first chapter of every five-chapter chunk and then Kane does the last one.

And Another Thing

So, last time, the pointless subplot of Edgelord and Miranda Strawson getting turned into superfurries was abruptly, unfunnily, and unceremoniously resolved. Onward!

BadJamags: Got turned into what?

I’m legitimately not sure how else to describe it. The fic calls them “splicers.” Anyway, first, your chapterly news briefing:

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

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2464: Until Dawn Remix (Syoc) – Oneshot

You’re reading about another dimension, a dimension not only of prose and narrative but of pure, concentrated suck. A journey into a twisted land whose boundaries are that of a poor writer’s feeble imagination. That’s the header up ahead—your next stop, the Badfic Zone!

Title: Until Dawn Remix (Syoc) [sic]
Author: shayvion
Media: Video Game
Topic: Until Dawn
Genre: Romance / Horror
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13030003/1/Until-Dawn-Remix-Syoc
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags) and Spider-Man

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the last fic for this year’s Badfic Zone. This one comes from the Until Dawn section of ff.net. Until Dawn is a narrative game with a branching story that I would have played if it weren’t a goddamn PlayStation exclusive. Seriously, guys. I am not going to buy an extra console just to play a couple games, and neither are most other people. What do you think you’re accomplishing with all of these fucking exclus-

*Tranquilized*

GoodJamags: That’s enough out of you. The story of the game is as such: We focus on a group of dumb horny teenagers who make an annual trip to a remote Canadian ski lodge on a mountain top with sketchy cell reception. The real plot twist is that most of them can actually not die if you make the right choices (and have a very steady hand for the motion-control minigames – or turn vibrations off and put the controller down on a table). Our initial group includes siblings (whose father owns the lodge) Hannah, Beth, and Josh Washington, along with generic protagonist Samantha “Sam” Giddings, recovering dick Mike Munroe, shy and withdrawn Ashley Brown, resident nerd Chris Hartley, petty and judgmental Emily Davis, good-nature jock Matt Taylor, and airhead Jess Riley.

GoodJamags: In the prologue, Mike, Ashley, Emily, Matt, and Jess play a prank on Hannah. She’s got a crush on Mike, so he invites her to his room alone. She gets a little overexcited, and the ensuing debacle is caught on camera by the other pranksters. Hannah, understandably upset, flees into the night, pursued by Beth. The two get lost in the woods, pursued by something that the player doesn’t get a clear look at, and fall off a cliff.

GoodJamags: The plot picks back up when Josh has unexpectedly invited everyone back to the lodge the following year, apparently hoping to mend the bridges that were burned. They begin to realize that a killer is hunting them down… except then it turns out there is no killer. Josh just wanted them to think there was as a revenge prank for what happened to Hannah and Beth. Problem is, the antics caused by the fake killer get the attention of the mountain’s other inhabitants: wendigoes, nigh-invulnerable undead creatures that used to be a group of miners that got trapped and resorted to cannibalism to survive. Long story short, Josh dies at some point no matter what (though where and how varies), but the others can actually all be OK if you’re careful. Basically it’s a Telltale-style story game, and it’s up to you whether you play the horror tropes straight or subvert them by having the characters be smart and sensible and survive by working as a group. Pretty cool.

You know what else is pretty cool?

GoodJamags: What?

Owning an X-Box One and not a PS4 and not being able to play the game because it’s an exclusive for no reason.

GoodJamags:will tranquilize you again.

Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the Until Dawn section of ff.net has a disturbingly large number of assorted self-inserts, OC-fics, and other Sue indicators on its front page alone (at least, when you narrow by the “horror” genre tag, which I do whenever I’m looking for Badfic Zone oneshots). This one jumped out at me because it’s an SYOC (“submit your own character”) fic, and that’s always a terrible sign.

GoodJamags: So, let’s dive in and see if any of these guys have generic fire powers or vaguely-defined “experiments” as a backstory!

I’m hoping for a Russian stereotype that can shoot bullets out of the air.

Syoc for the game Until Dawn.

GoodJamags: “Syoc?”

I said it was “submit your own-”

GoodJamags: Yeah, but the one in the summary isn’t an acronym. It’s just a nonsense word.

Enjoy the story of a group of teens trying to survive the night. Will they kill each other or fall in love.

Will they end questions with question marks.

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