2211: Howl – Chapter 2

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Author’s Note / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by BatJamags and GoodJamags

WARNING: Hey, you know what’s more fun than sticking suicide trivialization in the first chapter of your fic? Sticking it in the first two chapters of your fic.

WARNING 2: RAGE-INDUCING BOOGALOO: And our protagonist casually considers raping somebody. This fucking fic, man.

Beware, patrons! There’s sensuality in this chapter! And drinking! When will the debauchery end?! Yes, this is the part our dear author sees fit to warn us about.

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 18

On the fourth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the fifth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the sixth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, and happy holidays, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with another thrilling chapter of Howl. GJ, tell them what happened last chapter.

GoodJamags: Absolutely nothing.

Bingo! To elaborate, there was an unnecessarily long author’s note. Then there was a pretentious and somewhat confusing journal thing. Then Hans Gruber from Die Hard survived getting shot out of a skyscraper because he was a werewolf. He killed some teenagers and decided to leave the country to go talk to the Sue.

GoodJamags: All of this was muddled by a multitude of incoherent tangents.

Indeed. The lack of proofreading is strong with this one.

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2205: Howl – Chapter 1

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Author’s Note / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags and GoodJamags

WARNING: Casual trivialization of suicide. Yaaaaaaaay…

On the First Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Porno music on the intercom!

On the Second Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Two talking Raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Third Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking Raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

What in the name of god is that racket?! Some of us are trying to sleep here, you know!

GoodJamags: … I’m singing.

Your singing is worse than Nicranger’s characterization. Now what the fuck are you doing here? I’m riffing Mandalorian Effect alone and trust me, you do not want in on that.

GoodJamags: It’s December, you silly person! That means Christmas is coming! And that means we have to riff a badfic for a Christmas movie! And what better place to look than the greatest Christmas movie ever made!

It’s a Wonderful LifeWhite ChristmasMiracle on 34th Street?

GoodJamags: No, no, and no.

Uh, let’s see here… Remember the Night? Christmas in Connecticut?

GoodJamags: Mmm… Barbara Stanwyck…

*Waves hand in front of GoodJamags’ face*

GoodJamags: Uh… You didn’t hear that! Um… Right, uh… No, those aren’t right either.

Alright… What about… The Muppet Christmas Carol?

GoodJamags:

speechless-guy

GoodJamags: Alright, the second best Christmas movie ever made.

Oh, fuck it. I have no idea.

GoodJamags: DIE HARD!

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2204: Love & Bullets – Chapter One, Part Two

[FILLER POST – Due to a file naming SNAFU back when I was a guest riffer, this riff was never posted. I never pointed it out because you guys honestly didn’t miss much. More recently, I figured I’d save it in the drafts for a rainy, riffless day. A day just like today, as it happens. This was written at the same time as the other Love & Bullets riffs that started going up back in 2016 or 2017 sometime, and I’ve not heavily edited it, so there are a few references that might not make sense anymore, but there they are. – Bats]

Title: Love & Bullets
Author: MissScorp
Media: Comics
Topic: Batman
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Hello, once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags-

GoodJamags: So am I!

– and this moron and I are back for more of Love & Bullets. Last time, a Sue beat up some thugs in an alley. That’s it. Now we get to Nightwing babbling about how amazing the Sue is, so let’s dive in!

As much as I hate to acknowledge this, I know this little hellcat will willingly lay her life down in order to save mine.

GoodJamags: Why do you hate to acknowledge it?

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2199: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 3

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m coming out swinging again for another less-than-fantastic chapter of Mandalorian Effect!

Last time, the Mandalorians engaged in “diplomacy” with the quarians, Mando Stu obviously started lusting after Tali and (*gag*) vice versa, and now they’re one fleet with a name so stupid I can’t even be bothered to repeat it. The Discount Malevolence is the flagship because fuck you the Stu is more important.

Now, in this chapter… Oh, fucking hell. Hello, Council Bashing! How have you been? It’s been a long five minutes since I’ve seen you.

Hey guys next chapter.

 Why thank you for gracing us with your infinite wisdom, author. How else could we have possibly known that the next chapter was starting?

Nothing new to say so lets just get on with it.

Are you for fucking real? Let me put this in big bold letters, just for any patrons who may be confused on the point.

If you don’t have anything to say, don’t write a fucking author’s note. If what you have to say is not directly related to the story, don’t write an author’s note. If what you have to say can be communicated through the narrative, don’t write an author’s note. Put it in future chapters or edit previous ones accordingly. If you want to respond to reviews, do it by PM. If, for some reason, these qualifications haven’t eliminated anything you would want to say in an author’s note, then put it at the bottom of the chapter. Professional authors don’t need ANs, and neither do you.

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2194: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 2

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with…

Shit.

I was kind of hoping it was just a bad dream.

Well guys here’s the next chapter!

No, really? This is the next chapter? I could never have guessed. I mean, I suppose in hindsight, the fact that the words stopped at the end of the last chapter and then I clicked on the “next chapter” button and then the words started here could’ve been subtle foreshadowing, but if so, it flew right over my head. In fact, I’m not sure there was any way for you to clarify this except through an author’s note. Really, you’re doing the entire fanfiction community a public service here. I-

*Gets spritzed with water by GoodJamags*

GoodJamags: Down, boy.

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2188: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 1

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m here with a little gem of Stu wank I dug up off the crossover section of FF.net. I assume you’re all sufficiently familiar with the Mass Effect universe that I won’t need to provide any preamble for that, and the basics of Star Wars are pretty common knowledge.

However, I will take the time to talk about the Mandalorians. I don’t personally like them all that much (I can guarantee that ME won’t like much of what I have to say about them but I’ll try to be diplomatic), but I suppose they warrant some epic music to set the mood.

There we go.

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2182: NEVER MESS WITH A OUIJA BOARD – Oneshot

Title: NEVER MESS WITH A OUIJA BOARD
Author: River Styx1201
Media: Animation/Creepypasta
Topic: Young Justice/Ben Drowned
Genre: Humor
URL: Oneshot
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane

Oh, for the love of fuck. “Hey, I’ll riff this stupid crossover,” I said. “It’ll be short and funny,” I said. “Oh, I’m sure it won’t trot out rape as a generic trajek backstory,” I said. Well, I didn’t actually say the last one, but I would’ve been wrong as fuck if I did, and now I have to put a warning up here. Thanks, fic.

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m going to have to be the bearer of bad news. You may have all thought you were safe, but you were wrong.

spoop4

The spoopy has followed us into November.

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