2428: The Purple Queen – Chapters 21 (sort of) and 22

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 22
Critiqued by BatJamags

Kingdom of the Crystal Huntsman

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 147
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another chapter of The Red Queen. Last time, Sueby recruited a bunch of big elephant Grimm for no reason and nothing happened.

Chapter 21 was not an actual chapter, but rather a memorial message about the then-recent death of RWBY’s creator, Monty Oum. It’s actually reasonably well-written and it would be in poor taste for me to riff it. I only bring it up in case you’re wondering why we skipped a chapter.

While that’s a bit of a somber note, this fic is still bad and I’m still going to make fun of it. As such, let’s press on.

Endless. Pointless. Why was she still here? Why was she still sitting through this, despite more pressing, more urgent business being at her doorstep.

Switch those “she”s to “he”s, and you’ve got a good description of my experience reading this fic.

Read the rest of this entry »


2422: Starfall – Oneshot

Title: Starfall
Author: MicroDime
Media: Video Game (Misfiled as Comic Book) (Also something else?)
Topic: Injustice: Gods Among Us (Misfiled as Justice League) (Also maybe an unlisted crossover???) (Does anybody know something with a character called Black Star?) (Seriously, who or what is this thing?)
Genre: n/a (Possible Self-Insert?) (Crossover?! Maybe?!)
URL: Chapters 1 and 2
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another oneshot break to take our mind off the miserable experience that is The Red Queen.

GoodJamags: I’m here too!

I’d noticed. Why are you here again?

GoodJamags: You’ve been working on that dumb thing all summer, and I haven’t gotten to riff anything. The patrons haven’t seen any Edgelord adventures in months!

I’m sure they’re despondent. If you’re going to make a pest of yourself, you can at least help with the infodump.

GoodJamags: Yes, sir! Injustice: Gods Among Us is a DC Universe-based fighting game from 2013 by the dudes who did the last couple Mortal Kombat games. Basically, the Justice League (and Teen Titans friends!) are fighting some supervillains when they get zapped into another universe. In the other universe, the Joker hypnotized Superman into killing Lois Lane and then blew up Metropolis. Supes was… somewhat peeved. He went all evil and took over the world and most of his buddies were perfectly OK with that. The big exceptions are Green Arrow, who Superman killed, Nightwing, who fell over onto a rock and died (no, really), and Batman, who teamed up with Lex Luthor to organize a resistance. They’re the ones who brought the non-evil League in.

Here, I’ll finish that off for you: The non-evil Justice league basically whoops ass for a few hours, calls in non-evil Superman, and saves the day, ‘cuz that’s how they roll. The plot is a little thin and relies on the Regime!verse heroes and villains acting wildly out of character, but it’s entertaining enough from moment to moment and the OOC behavior is forgivable since it’s presented as an alternate universe (though it’s harder to swallow in the sequel and the tie-in comics which focus entirely on the Regime!verse). My understanding is the gameplay is kind of unbalanced. I wouldn’t know, not because I don’t have the game but because I have no idea how to play fighting games. Fortunately, my friends have even less idea, so I’m able to just pick a move that kind of works and spam it until they fall over and that works like two out of three times.

GoodJamags: Don’t be sad, ‘cuz two out of three ain’t bad.

Ah, shut up. My Green Lantern “Pick them up and throw them over your shoulder” tactics are brilliant, and don’t get me started on my mad Deathstroke quickdraw spamming skillz.

Anyway, let’s look at our offering for today.

A guy is sent to the world of Injustice after going through the internet one day.

Man, I hate it when that happens. One day I’m going through some of my interwebs, and then suddenly I’m an obnoxious self-insert.

Given the powers of Black Star

GoodJamags: Let’s see… I know the Darkstars, Blackfire (who is Starfire’s sister), and Deacon Blackfire, but no Black Star. Star Wars has Black Sun, I guess. Maybe it’s related to Evil Star? Or maybe this is an edgelord’s version of Starro? Or do you mean a black star in the sense of, like, Will Smith or somebody? Because he’s Deadshot. Do you have Deadshot powers? Deadshot doesn’t have powers, but he kind of does, because he never misses, which is pretty much statistically impossible, but he’s never established to be any kind of metahuman.

Read the rest of this entry »


2415: The Purple Queen – Chapter 20

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 20
Critiqued by BatJamags

It Doesn’t Matter.

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 123
Roll Call count: 7

[Sidenote: So, you know how I’ve been making all these DC Comic crossover jokes? Yeah, apparently Warner Brothers bought out Rooster Teeth and DC is now set to make an official RWBY adaptation comic. I WAS RIGHT!]

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of this fic. Last time, Yang and Jaune were still hot on Sueby’s trail, and Sueby was about to recruit some Creeps and Goliaths to her menagerie. My understanding based on author’s notes is that literally all of these previous five chapters, including the one for today, were added to accommodate those two new species of Grimm. So let’s dig in and get this over with, shall we?

Despite however much either wanted it, Ozpin could not send the Bullhead to pick them up, leaving Yang and Jaune to spend the night in Tinker, with a flight prepared for the morning.

He can’t send the Bullhead… why, exactly?

Figuring it was better than nothing, the two of them decided to spend the night in the room they had already paid for.

Wait, they paid for a night more than they were planning to spend?

When he got inside of them room, Jaune immediately took to putting the information into his Scroll, something that looked odd to Yang.

Adding notes to your phone? Weird, man.

But she didn’t question it. In fact, there were only two questions on Yang’s mind: When would she get to see Ruby? And when does she get to kill whoever tried harming her? It doesn’t matter who they were, and that was honestly what Yang felt. There would be no force on the face of Remnant who would or could stop Yang in her quest for her sister. Nothing at all.

Nothing at All Can Stop a Sentence Fragment count: 124

But that was something for another time. For now Yang reasoned it would be better to head back to Beacon, just as Jaune did. The two may be hellbent on trying to find Ruby and bring her home safely, but they also realized that certain things wouldn’t happen immediately. Plus, Jaune saw something in all of the information they’ve gathered, and apparently he had a plan. One that Yang was unaware of.

So, hang on, let me get this straight. Ruby’s almost certainly lost it and become a mass-murdering Grimm beastmaster who could try something stupid that’ll get her killed at any point, and you don’t consider finding her your main priority?

Mysterious Sentence Fragment Plan count: 125

All Yang was entirely aware of was the fact that the moment Jaune had used his authority as a hunter of Beacon to get that information from the city guards, the look in his eyes changed. If Yang had to describe it, it looked like he’d just won the lotto or something. Something he’d pieced together from everything they’d found so far seemed to have Jaune eager to get back to Beacon, even at the cost of riding in an airship, something he hates with a passion.

Get it because he got motion sickness in the first episode WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING.

Read the rest of this entry »


2411: The Purple Queen – Chapter 19

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 19
Critiqued by BatJamags

The Elephant Fragment

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 75
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of this. Last time, I would not technically say that nothing happened, so I suppose that’s an improvement over the two chapters before that. What’s that they say about faint praise?

Anyway, some random Atlesian troops were randomly besieging a random Vale village for some random reason, and Ruby randomly killed them all. Meanwhile, Yang and Jaune came to the shocking conclusion that – *gasp* – Ruby wants revenge on the dumbass conspirators!

Right, so anyway, let’s get started!

“It hurts. Dust damnit, it hurts like hell!”

– BatJamags’ thoughts on the narration.

Read the rest of this entry »


2405: The Purple Queen – Chapter 18

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 18
Critiqued by BatJamags

Get Me Pictures of the Red Queen, Parker!

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 64
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another chapter of the fic that has been doing literally nothing whatsoever for the last two or three chapters. Let’s see if we can keep up the streak.

Not… quite what I had in mind, but it’s sure as hell more entertaining than this fic.

The morning was just another to Ruby, of course. Wake up, train with her sweetheart for an hour or so, and take a nice relaxing bath. As to what was different? She was currently pulling fibers from the large plants around the area and weaving them together, making a sort of braid about six inches in length, and about half an inch in diameter. After sizing over her work and looking suitably proud of it, Ruby took her growing hair, which by this point reached to just below her shoulder blades, and tied it together in a plain old ponytail using the fiber rope to hold it in place. Simple solutions to simple problems.

For those of you just tuning in, this is basically a sped-up version of the last third of the last chapter. The fic’s pace has slowed so much that we went backwards.

Read the rest of this entry »


2399: The Purple Queen – Chapter 17

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by BatJamags

Far, Far Away….

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 39

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and after last week’s big pile of nothing (a void which I futilely struggled to fill with superhero jokes), we’re back with what is doubtlessly more nothing.

Why didn’t I quit back at Chapter 10 again?

“Hmm.”

Hmm?

Hmm…

Hmm.

In his office, Ozpin heaved a sigh, his dozenth within the past hour.

OK, Bat-Ozpin, we need to have an intervention. Literally every scene with you starts with you sighing in your office, and it’s just getting out of hand.

Read the rest of this entry »


2393: The Purple Queen – Chapter 16

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 16
Critiqued by BatJamags

The Brave and the Bold

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 39

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and after last week’s odd little interlude, I’m back with more of The Red Queen, the fic that dares to add literally five chapters of filler because the show introduced a couple new Grimm. Let’s dive in, shall we?

You know those days where you just don’t want to wake up?

Joke A: Those are mostly the days when I have to read this fic.

Read the rest of this entry »