2296: The Red Queen – Chapter 1, Part 2

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags

A Rose by Any Other Name

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Red Queen.

Last time, Ruby angsted about some fucking bullshit that pissed me off. Then she got chosen for a SUEPER SPESHUL MEGA TOURNAMENT. And that’s about it. God, I hate this author’s rambling.

“Miss Rose, to the stage. Now, please?”

“Ah!”

Being summoned by Ozpin, Ruby walked slowly from her spot in the back. Jaune, hoping to encourage her even a little bit, rested his hand on her shoulder. “You deserve this, Ruby.” He said as kindly as he could. Still, nothing could hope to quell the uneasiness in the pits of her tiny stomach. Ruby walked along the aisle, her classmates and all with their eyes on her. She could feel jealousy from all of them, their emotions poorly disguised and their hatred thinly veiled. Nearing the front, she saw her teammates showing her supporting smiles, Yang especially. She had to look forward, but looking forward means we often miss what’s going on around us. Including the dark expressions cast over Weiss and Blake’s faces.

*Repeated headdesking*

It’s just all so contrived. And contradictory. Were Ruby’s teammates (implying at least two of them) giving her supporting smiles, or did Weiss and Blake have dark expressions?

On the stage, Ozpin addressed the four about the responsibility now given to them. To represent not only Beacon, but themselves and their teams. To prove their strength to everyone, and to showcase the talents of a true hunter or huntress.

Read the rest of this entry »


2290: The Red Queen – Chapter 1, Part 1

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags

[This riff – A whirlwind tour of Bats’ Issues™! Things get a little real for me in this one. The author lays off from the next one on, so if my whining annoys you, you won’t have to put up with it next week.]

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with…

Fuck, I made it to this one. Yeah, I’ll get to why I hate this fic in particular soon.

Right, so I found this fic while in the midst of binge-watching RWBY. This fandom’s never been properly infodumped on here, so I’m going to power through this quickly. If you haven’t seen the show, I highly recommend giving it a watch. The first season is pretty clunky in writing, acting, and animation, but it all steadily improves over time and is never outright bad even to begin with.

Alright, the voice acting in the Black and Yellow trailers was pretty damn awful, but I promise they get better! Except Adam Taurus. He still sounds like a tryhardy moron. Fitting, because he is a tryhardy moron.

Anyway, getting sidetracked by entirely justified hate for that insufferable dickhead Adam. Right, infodump:

Read the rest of this entry »


2158: Sir John – Oneshot

Title: Sir John
Author: Jordanna Morgan
Media: Floral Arrangment Film
Topic: The Wolf Man (1941)
Genre: None listed, but arguably Angst/Horror/Romance
URL: Sir John
Critiqued by BatJamags

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’d like to warn you that what you’re about to see may, in fact, be 2spooky4u.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to Man. It is a dimension as vast as the author’s note to My Inner Life, and as timesquiggly as My Immortal. It is the middle ground between light and Edgelord, between thermal radiation and BLUE; and it lies between the pit of a riffer’s fears and the summit of his anger. This is the dimension of bad horror oneshots. It is an area which we call… the Badfic Zone.

Respectfully submitted for your derision: a classic horror film, given ending fatigue it didn’t need. A secondary character is confronted by his fears, and an accidental OTP. Not much of importance ensues.

Read the rest of this entry »


2147: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 374 Through Epilogues (Yes There Are Multiple Epilogues)

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back for the final time to Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue, which whether it in fact is a porno or is not a porno will still be ending today!

Last time we were treated to a vision (what else!) showing a young Lil Yachty Hookworm and his creepy be-fedora’d nutcase of a dad giving him a medallion with the Magical Mystery Crystals in it as a birthday present and subsequently running afoul of a rather pudgy, ill-defined Clockwerk. Clockwerk wanted to know where Dad Cooper was and Dad Lupus wouldn’t tell him, so Clockwerk killed Dad Lupus in front of his son and then Dad Cooper tried to adopt him but was also killed. Q-Tip Henipavirus then grew up and chased after Clockwerk himself, but discovered the bird was already dead, and in a fit of Edge over having had his kill stolen chucked his medallion into the lava of Clockwerk’s volcano and caused the Magical Mystery Crystals to somehow transmute into their current giant forms. Except he also says he doesn’t care about the whole kill-stealing thing and just wants to take over the world. So there was no point to any of that.

Back in the present Interpol was gearing up for a full-scale assault on Future Oesophagostomum’s castle, using the green Magical Mystery Crystal as bait. Fox Obnoxious, however, showed up and deliberately got himself captured, then used the crystal to mind-control Director Torus into making vague threats and recorded him doing so. Travis Scott Xuan Son Virus then showed up in person to recover the recording (which he believes will somehow cause the entire geopolitical order to collapse if released) and straight-up kill a bunch of Torus’s men. Torus and Ice Ice Baby then gave chase in a helicopter.

Also a character named “Sly Cooper” may occasionally have appeared and taken a peripheral role in observing the above happenings, but he wasn’t particularly important. We left off just as he was preparing for some sort of ‘final showdown’ with iSpy Cysticercosis.

Read the rest of this entry »


2109: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 141 through 167

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue, which is once again back to not being a porno.

Last time surprisingly little actually happened even though Sly and the rest of the Cooper Gang actually managed to get themselves arrested by Chief Director Torus after Ice Ice Baby (surprise surprise (baby)) turned out to actually be an undercover Interpol agent. Cesar DeRoque also got arrested while all of the other remaining Generic Gang members at his stupid conference somehow managed to get away, and then Colonel Zahn hired this bizarre, edgelordy mercenary named Captain Snow to take out Sly or something.

We resume the exciting “Sly is sitting in jail not doing anything” arc already in progress.

Read the rest of this entry »


1947: Blue Moon – One Shot

Title: Blue Moon
Author: SivanShemesh
Media: Books/Cartoon
Topic: Lord of the Rings/The Smurfs
Genre: Angst and Humor
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie and Queenie

Queenie: “Australian, not Scottish.”

Shut up.

Queenie: “That’s why Jack calls him a kangaroo at one point.”

I will physically fight you.

Welcome back to Angie Pays for Her Sins. This time, I’m reviewing a Lord in the Rings fanfiction to repay for Brego’s Mistress.

Queenie: I went through the tiresome labor of searching for a fanfiction, and I stumbled upon a crossover between some Earth cartoon called The Smurfs. The title is also the name of a beer brand. So…that’s fun.

This fic is called Coors Light.

Queenie: That’s…nope. That’s incorrect. The fic is called Blue Moon. Let’s begin.

Read the rest of this entry »


1883: Rage, Burning Bright

Title: Rage, Burning Bright
Author:  Machina Super Monstrum
Media: Video Game
Topic: Warframe
Genre: Drama/Angst
URL: Rage, Burning Bright
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey folks, welcome to another Taco Wednesday!  Yeah, that’s right,  I don’t have to bend to your trendy alliteration!

This week I’ve got a new source material for you all: Warframe.  For the uninitiated, Warframe is a free-to-play game where you essentially get to be a futuristic space ninja called a Tenno whose consciousness controls futuristic suits of power armor called warframes.  The actual plot of the game takes a pretty hefty backseat to the gameplay and exists mostly as lore that you can dig up from the in-game Codex. Warframe somewhat oldschool in that regard, so I don’t have much in the way of an infodump for you all.  And, in fact, this fic exists pretty well apart from any canon plot.  The bare-bones of the plot is that centuries ago the Orokin controlled the Sol solar system and tried to expand to the Tau system.  This pissed off the Sentients, a machine race that were already living there, which kicked off a massive war.  Many atrocities later, which included unleashing the Infestation, the Orokin eventually learned to tap into void energy in order to create Warframes piloted by the Tenno.  These warframes were eventually able to push back the Sentients, who had been winning the war, retake all their territory, and eventually crush them.  In their last-ditch effort to avoid complete extermination, the Sentients unleashed Natah who took control of the warframes and turned them back against the Orokin.  This left both empires essentially destroyed and the war ended.  At this point Natah was supposed to destroy the warframes to complete her mission, but as she had grown an affection for them, instead placed them in stasis.

Centuries later the Sol system has become divided by two rivaling factions: The Grineer, the ancient military slave-race of the Orokin, and the Corpus, a merchant faction based around technological research and trade.  At this point both the Grineer and Corpus begin to “dig too deep” for the ancient technologies.  The Grineer, in their attempts to capture the weapons of Orokin, inadvertently begin an awakening of the Warframes, who, under the direction of Lotus, forcibly take up a position of balance and peace keepers between the two factions.  Meanwhile, the Corpus begin to experiment with the remnants of the Infestation, which had previously been battled back into a state of quasi-dormancy by the Grineer.  These experiments rather predictably end with them unleashing a brand-new full-blown Infestation. This quickly catches Lotus’s attention and she sends the Warframes in to investigate and start to work on fighting back the rising tide of infested.

As for the game itself, I’d call it among the best free-to-play games currently out there.  The game’s model allows access to the vast majority of content without requiring any purchase, with all of the things absolutely requiring money being aesthetic in nature.  There IS a premium currency that’s primarily used to unlock extra equipment storage, speed up farming, or buy more aesthetics, but the game allows it to be traded for items, so those who don’t want to spend any of their own money can farm up some sought-after equipment and trade players whose wallets are a bit looser.  It helps that the game itself is also pretty damn fun, provided that jumping around like a cocaine-fueled rhesus monkey while spraying bullets everywhere and hitting things with a giant axe fits your description of fun.  It certainly fits mine.

And that’s way more than you really need to know for this fic.  The fic is “Rage, Burning Bright,” and if that mega-edgelord title is anything to go by, we may as well queue up all the Linkin Park and Evanescence songs right now.

Read the rest of this entry »