1917: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and Invaded by God-Prince Sanyn Ruanna Beuxllon

Trigger Warning: Unlike last one, this is serious. You see, the closeted misogyny popping up here and there gets worse by enough magnitudes to warrant a trigger warning. If you’re very uncomfortable with groping, you may want to skim some sections.

Also, your humble author has an out-of-character catastrophic mental breakdown that isn’t played for laughs. If you read The Savior, you know what I’m talking about. So be wary.

Oh fuck me, no!

Beuxllon: I, the glorious and virile and all-powerful spectacular Beuxllon, heard tell that someone from the general vicinity of this place was disparaging the eternal glory that is me. Now I am traversed all of times and space and all that fuckery to kick that infidel in the face, surrender to me your infidel fool! Ooo!

*Beuxllon overtakes Hosen*

Beuxllon: Happy and glorious occasion it’s Rosfyr! I thought you were just a figment of my imagination; a very annoying figment that never allows me to indulge in the festivities of life!

Rosfyr is just my Self-Insert, I’m not actually- *Hosen is interrupted by an ebony-clad boot burying itself in his face, throwing him from his riffing chair*

Beuxllon: Nyehahahahaa *snork* Finally! Of all the faces I have acquainted with mine armor-clad footpads, your face was the face I was most desiring to kick. Granted, I could have just kicked myself to spite you, but you know it’s really fucking hard to kick yourself in the face with the base of your foot and not the- umm- you are my bitch! Grovel before me!

*Hosen rubs his nose* It’d say it’s a good thing I revised you, but no, you’re about the same. At least in-universe there are others to bring you in line.

Beuxllon: Blasphemy! I am a god, none may hinder my all powerful- power, to wreak my unholy retribution of the things upon the world that should have been mine but was not because  . Now, witness the power of a fully-

*Suddenly and from behind, Abrelepine appears from the SDQF to defend Hosen, but freezes upon seeing the neon-yellow haired calamity*

-The two stop a moment as they regard eachother, before Beuxllon gives an enthusiastic wave- Hi, honey!

Abrelepine: Oh my, I didn’t realize you were coming.

*Beuxllon puts a hand of indignation over his heart* You wound me! I thought after the first fifty times we dirted the sheets, you’d pick up on the many subtle nuances of my persona.

Abrelepine: That’s hyperbole and you know it.

Beuxllon: Give it time.

Abrelepine: *scoff* Of course you’d say that.

Beuxllon: Now you’re remembering, wondrous wife of mine.

Abrelepine: Should I take a form you’re more used to while we catch up?

Beuxllon: You madden me no matter what skin you put on.

*Hosen gets back in his chair, talking over the lovers snogging in the background as he adjusts his  * I guess I’ll just continue.

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1909: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Trigger Warning that Most Definitely Should be Heeded: Herein is a body of text quoted from the hawtest hawtsecks novel ever put to pen in all of history that will destroy the minds of anyone under age 69 who reads it, therefore it should not be read by anyone ever or you will die of hotness.

-Numerous Sarcasm Detectors explode in incredible fashion-

Welcome back Patrons, to the Hosen Suffers Party! If you want suffering, you’ve come to the right place! Last time… a whole lot of pointless plot regurgitation because younger me didn’t know any better, and thought having a chapter of plot regurgitation was A-Ok.

There wasn’t much to comment on, but trust me, that’s going to change very quickly.

Let’s start with the obligatory A/N:

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1901: Dragon Souls – Chapter Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, welcome back to the “Hosen Suffers for his Sins” party! Drinks are hard and complimentary, you’re going to need them. I’m drunk as FUCK already *chug chug chug chug* There’s also chocolate, popcorn, chocolate popcorn, and a few dubious munchies I borrowed from Syl without her knowledge or permission.

-Hosen lifts a glowing bag of squiggly live squids salted with pepper, uranium, and extremophile bacteria from somewhere around Kuiper Belt- If this kills me, I can get out of doing the Riff! *nom*

…Dammit! It’s spicy and delicious.

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1899: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy — Chapter 18, Chapter 19, and SSJ Lone Wolf’s Descent Into Madness

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 18
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

-WARNING-
This chapter of The Lone Wolf of the Normandy contains potential flamebait in the form of the author flaming his critics. He’s not very good at it, but manages to bring up most of the Standard Points of Internet Vitriol nonetheless.

*AdmiralSakai strides back through the now clean and well-lit hallways of RIFFCON, dressed once again in cargo pants and a neatly-pressed lab coat and carrying a pad of graph paper.*

All right. I haven’t seen any of those brain-eating zombies since I installed the new spam filter; all the bathrooms and staff areas have been re-stocked with fresh boxes of facial tissue and now that Nightmare Moon has been re-banished they should stay that way; all the copper piping has been reinstalled and I talked to Slenderman’s legal department about having Lizzie reassigned to Hogwarts-In-England where she belongs; and it turns out that I was perfectly able to get rid of Deadsun with just a Level 70 Baptist, a Level 62 New Ager, and a few licensed electricians. So it looks like we’re finally back on track to-

*Sakai turns the corner to the control room and stops dead. Troy Fisher is sitting in front of the viewport with a hollow, dead-eyed expression and an open bottle of Scotch on the desk next to him.*

It’s… it’s back, sir.”

No.

No no no no no no no no no. Lone Wolf is over. It’s dead, I killed it, we do not have to go through with this nonsense again!

*sigh*

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.
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1888: Jeff Clones On Parade– Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-

Like anything to do with Jeff the Killer, the pastas under review today contain potential flamebait in the form of tactless handling of bullying and mental illness. Oh and also really nondescript torture.

That is all.

Title: Charlie The Killer
Author: “Megan and Charlotte”
Media: Web Original
Topic: Jeff the Killer
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Trollpasta Rehost

Title: Lizzy The Reaper
Author: Your Guess Is As Good As Mine
Media: Web Original
Topic: Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Eyeless Jack, and basically every other horrible pasta in existence.
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Trollpasta Rehost

Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Nina

Hello hello all you patrons! Turn up your favorite Bathtubs & Razorblades album and open a new box of facial tissue, because it’s time once again for…

spoop4

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1878: Dragon Souls – Chapter One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, back at you with more nitpicking and general grumpiness! No, this is not the fic by GypsySiren I promised, nor is it coming out. To be honest, I’ve called it off for two reasons:

1). It really isn’t “travesty” material. I could probably find things wrong with it, but after a point it feels less like I’m giving good feedback and more like I’m harassing the fic for any little thing to complain about, something I have no interest in doing.

2). It’s boring. Horrendously, horribly boring, and honestly doing two fics by the same author leads to seeing the same issues, and it just wasn’t as good an idea as I thought it would be.

However, while I was doing research for my newly rebooted Dragon Souls- Rekindled… well that spoils the punchline, doesn’t it?

Yes indeed, this abomination is of my very own making. Penned on my way out of highschool, this was one of my first great (in size only) fanfics. And it shows, by the nine divines and all the rest of them does it fucking show. This was written in July of 2014, a little over a year after my novel. In my opinion, this period was my best and my worst at once. My ability to conceive long and epic stories was building up pretty well, but FishSlayer, the saint she is, didn’t save me from myself and prompt an entire paradigm shift in how I write fics until just last year, in 2016.

Now, 2014 was only three years ago so you’d think it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, I cringed so hard I wanted to seppuku after reading just a few paragraphs, enough to inspire putting it here, so that bad. This is going to hurt really, really badly.

I’ve got the Heresy Counter warmed up, as well as the other counters I’m going to need. Alright, you know what Dark Souls is, you know what Skyrim is, let’s go in hot.

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1865: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy– Chapter 17

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! And welcome back to what is, finally, the last chapter of The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy. Take it away, Troy.

Well, pretty much all of the last chapter was spent just trying to get all of the various UNSC forces that have been dumped into Shepard’s universe on the same comm frequency and up to speed on all the bullshit that’s been going on regarding the slavers and the Kilimanjaro and whatever. Oh yeah, and Blaze killed the krogan who I guess was in charge of the whole ground assault or something, it’s kind of hard to tell what the wider course of this engagement is when we have zero idea what sort of forces both sides have, where they are located, or about really anything at all other than whatever enemy happens to be directly in front of one of the Spartans at the moment.”

Show and Tell Counter: 75

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 39

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