1878: Dragon Souls – Chapter One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, back at you with more nitpicking and general grumpiness! No, this is not the fic by GypsySiren I promised, nor is it coming out. To be honest, I’ve called it off for two reasons:

1). It really isn’t “travesty” material. I could probably find things wrong with it, but after a point it feels less like I’m giving good feedback and more like I’m harassing the fic for any little thing to complain about, something I have no interest in doing.

2). It’s boring. Horrendously, horribly boring, and honestly doing two fics by the same author leads to seeing the same issues, and it just wasn’t as good an idea as I thought it would be.

However, while I was doing research for my newly rebooted Dragon Souls- Rekindled… well that spoils the punchline, doesn’t it?

Yes indeed, this abomination is of my very own making. Penned on my way out of highschool, this was one of my first great (in size only) fanfics. And it shows, by the nine divines and all the rest of them does it fucking show. This was written in July of 2014, a little over a year after my novel. In my opinion, this period was my best and my worst at once. My ability to conceive long and epic stories was building up pretty well, but FishSlayer, the saint she is, didn’t save me from myself and prompt an entire paradigm shift in how I write fics until just last year, in 2016.

Now, 2014 was only three years ago so you’d think it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, I cringed so hard I wanted to seppuku after reading just a few paragraphs, enough to inspire putting it here, so that bad. This is going to hurt really, really badly.

I’ve got the Heresy Counter warmed up, as well as the other counters I’m going to need. Alright, you know what Dark Souls is, you know what Skyrim is, let’s go in hot.

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1865: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy– Chapter 17

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! And welcome back to what is, finally, the last chapter of The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy. Take it away, Troy.

Well, pretty much all of the last chapter was spent just trying to get all of the various UNSC forces that have been dumped into Shepard’s universe on the same comm frequency and up to speed on all the bullshit that’s been going on regarding the slavers and the Kilimanjaro and whatever. Oh yeah, and Blaze killed the krogan who I guess was in charge of the whole ground assault or something, it’s kind of hard to tell what the wider course of this engagement is when we have zero idea what sort of forces both sides have, where they are located, or about really anything at all other than whatever enemy happens to be directly in front of one of the Spartans at the moment.”

Show and Tell Counter: 75

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 39

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1859: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 16

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 16
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy.

Last time the Normandy finally got to this random ‘jungle planet’ the Kilimanjaro was ditched on, dropped off the various Spartans it had onboard, and then immediately left again.

I really can’t blame them.

Anyway, pretty much the whole rest of the chapter was spent watching Jun, Six, Jorge, and that stupid ‘Blaze’ fucker wandering around killing a bunch of batarians in increasingly stupid ways before the UNSC Spirit Of Fire showed up out of the fucking blue and dropped off a fuck-load of troops to further fuck things up.”

Show and Tell Counter: 66

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 39

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1854: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapters 14 and 15

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 14 and Chapter 15
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy!

Last time we got to sit and watch Jun spit out a massive amount of mostly useless information about the Spartan programs and Noble Team to the Normandy crew, and were informed that back in my own galaxy Carter and the rest of them are all alive and on their way back to Earth because of bullshit-”

Because of that Monitor, actually.

– because of that bullshit Monitor. Oh, and Six decided he was actually going to not be a complete fucking jackass every waking minute and actually apologized to Shepard for… well, for threatening to murder her and her entire crew, but nothing really came out of it.”

Show and Tell Counter: 60

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 37

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1848: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 13

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy

Last time we got more fucking around by Blaze Shepard and his band of miscellaneous miscreants as they tried to recruit Covenant troops to go on their mission to rescue Blaze’s mom- who in turn has decided to ditch her ship on a conveniently nearby planet for reasons that I’m sure have absolutely nothing to do with the author attempting to crib elements from the ‘Infinity’ campaign mission in Halo 4. We were also introduced to one of the Covenant prisoners, Stealth Minor Lulo ‘Vadamee (yes, as in that ‘Vadamee), who is currently the best character simply by virtue of hating all the OCs and wanting to sword them to death.

-”It’s a bad, bad sign when the squidhead is the most sensible person on the ship.”-

Oh yeah, and Dot confessed to Shepard that she’d been monitoring the Commander’s search history, while Logan did what he did best- whine and brood.

Show and Tell Counter: 57

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 36

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1843: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 12

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy!

Last time fuck-all happened on Mavigon, since Jun was there instead of Six and only the one of them routinely commits war crimes. Jun was kind of an annoying dick to Ashley Williams over lunch, though, and Six is still threatening to kill the whole Normandy crew if they don’t let him do basically whatever he wants.

Oh yeah, and that ‘Blaze’ asshole intercepted a distress call from Shepard’s mom, whose ship got attacked by some stupid number of slavers and is now dead in space. We left off just as he and Jorge were planning to recruit the Covvies who are suddenly now still alive and locked in the corvette’s brig to join the rescue effort, a plan with so many potential points of failure I think even Amy Smythe could figure out not to do it.”

Show and Tell Counter: 54

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 32

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1837: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 11

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy!

Last time Six and Co. cleared out the merc base on Xawin, where Six brutally murderated a krogan battlemaster for no real reason and then whined about the fact that an Alliance Navy officer had been somewhat less brutally murderated beforehand. Then back aboard the Normandy he assaulted a few more hapless crewmen and got out of any punishment by waxing whiny about how ‘orrible his life had been up until that point. Oh, and the good news is that Jorge has managed to be brought up to speed and integrated into Citadel Space without causing anybody any grievous bodily harm, but the bad news is the people he’s not causing any grievous bodily harm to are Blaze Shepard and his special snowflake brigade.

Show and Tell Counter: 50

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 30

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