2635: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 13 Part 3

-WARNING-
After dancing right up to it and back again for God knows how many scenes, the ‘fic finally decides to go right out into the open with the Hiroshima reference in this chapter. Not only that, but it also gets much more current and starts throwing around War On Terror talking points in the same section. Our usual watchwords of “Try to be less incendiary than the ‘fic itself” thus leave a lot of space underneath them in this instance. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the civility and reasonableness with which people have discussed these kinds of issues in other riffs of this ‘fic before- please do your best to see that it continues.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Council finally got its ass in gear and prepared for a full-scale war against the Stumans, which they planned to prosecute by… doing nothing other than affixing a tracking device to the Stumans’ retreating flagship so that they can find the location of Earth… which they already know twice over. And this tracking device somehow involves “nanomachines” as well because basically everything in this story does.

The really sad part is, this still counts as progress for the Council.

Also, some CODbro we don’t care about had a really delayed reaction to getting hit with a biotic attack, which somehow led the human scientists to conclude that Element Zero Element U got released into Earth’s atmosphere to presumably explain the later existence of human biotics.

first_war_bb_11

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2634: Hexed Wolf – Chapters 1 and 2

Title: Hexed Wolf
Author: IrishSmurf
Media: Cartoon
Topic: Scooby-Doo!
Genre: Supernatural / Mystery
URL: Chapters 1 and 2
Critiqued by BatJamags

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and…

love Scooby-Doo. For any poor, deprived souls not in the know (and by the way, this infodump is mostly not important if you know the basic premise, but I got a little carried away), Scooby-Doo: Where Are You! is a 1969 animated series about four teenagers and the titular talking dog who drive around in a van, encountering various ghosts and monsters. The villains in the original era of the series invariably turned out to be mundane criminals (often a seemingly innocuous civilian the protagonists encountered earlier in the episode, though it was actually just as often a character who’d never appeared before) disguising themselves as monsters in order to cover up their criminal activity. The original series ran two seasons. Since I already owe SC royalties I’m not going to pay him, here are some character introductions:

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2633: Subnautica High – Chapter 10

Title: Subnautica High
Author: ShizukaRakugaki44
Media: Video Game
Topic: SubNautica
Genre: Sci-Fi/Romance
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

So. It has come to this.

I’m not going to say that this is the last chapter, because the last time I did that I got hit with three more chapters in a matter of days, but … y’know.

In the previous chapter the Sexy!Warper, who is also a sexy teen girl, teleported into the school counselor’s office just as Ryan was about to get smothered by illusionary breasts, and then she chopped off the school counselor’s head. Everyone seems fine with this, and Rea tried to blame Ryan for the situation for some reason. And also Peeps was there.

Data Entry 10: A Warper Called Wanda

Ummm … What?

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2632: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Finale

Title:Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

Notice:  Lots of explicit content this week.  Not safe for work or anyone who wants to avoid smut.

We’re finally here, patrons, the last installment!

Unfortunately, we still have to riff it and it’s going to be another marathon installment like the last one.  Swenia is still here hoping to catch some of the action.

“Dern tootin'”

And the bleachers were already full when I arrived.

*Popcorn rains down on Taco and the crowd begins to chant* “BRING! ON! THE! PORN!”

Why did you invite them?

“Because you stopped early last time and I’m a vengeful soul.”

Okay, fair enough.  Want to attempt a Crunchy-cap?

“Sure.  Changing, strong spirits, and a boring-ass dance-party.”

Works for me, let’s check out the cringy couple as they try to get past the fact that one of them is roaring drunk.

For a while, it was quiet. The walk back was longer than either of them had anticipated, and any stirrings of arousal that the dance might have conjured had faded somewhat and a subtly awkward silence replaced it until Link found the courage to grasp Ashei’s hand and run his thumb gently over the back, relishing the softness of her skin.

Speaking of subtly awkward.

“I don’t think that sentence counted as subtly awkward.”

“Did they… did you bathe?” he asked quietly, the first words either of them had spoken since slipping away from the festivities.

“Rude.  Especially since you didn’t.”

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2631: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 13 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time was basically nothing but a long drawn-out planning/ranting session with Grand Moff Whyney, an interchangeable member of the quarian Admiralty Blob, and their stupid AI. Unwilling to be deterred in his “inflicting massive civilian casualties on Palaven will totally convince the turians to break off conflict with us and not get the Council involved” plan, Whyney outlined a number of highly suspect invasion strategies which apparently will all be implemented simultaneously.

The first is a program to blockade the turian home system by moving Mass Relays with nanomachines (except the Relays are still being kept around so the quarians can use them so what even is the point), which involves a great deal of really confusing assumptions about how the Relays may or may not work that are never actually explained up-front.

The other is some kind of diversionary strike against Thessia so poorly explained that I don’t actually know if it involves an actual strike on Thessia with the bulk of the Stuman forces or just a fake distress call from Thessia, but either way there is still a complete communications blackout on one of the most politically important planets in Citadel Space planned so if the Council was somehow still willing to stay out of this conflict beforehand despite the Stumans’ stated plans to attack the civilian population of one of their members and terror-bombing campaign against the Citadel itself, they sure as hell won’t be later. It is also unclear whether or not there are currently Stuman special forces of some description physically on Thessia right now or not.

Oh yeah and I guess that AI is supposed to be turning evil or something because its hologram is flickering and that only ever happens due to deep flaws in an AI’s personality and not just, you know, outdated display drivers or whatever, but everybody in the top leadership in this story is so bloodthirsty and impulsive anyway that it’s basically impossible to tell the difference.

first_war_bb_11

Also, none other than the author himself has graced our comments section to take the riff in good humor and acknowledge that he wrote the story as an edgy teenager and has no idea why it got as insanely popular as it did! So maybe there’s hope for the future yet.

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