2435: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which may at some point have had something vaguely to do with Mass Effect.

Last time, some random Marines who refused to surrender on Roof engaged in a convoluted process to get a signal back to Earth informing their friends that the planet had been invaded.

You know, it just occurred to me that this seems like a bit of an unnecessary objective for the Marines to even be pursuing. Since system-to-system communication is pretty easy for the humans and there were previously established to be news and personal messages being sent back and forth routinely, one would think that just the prolonged silence of the planet would cause Earth to send in an expeditionary force to check it out pretty quickly without anyone on Roof even needing to do anything.

Also ‘Roof’ is still a terrible name for a planet.

Either way, the message had the unfortunate side effect of informing the turians of Earth’s location, so now they’re gearing up for a full-scale assault.

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2430: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which I’m pretty sure is up to its second war now or possibly even third  but I am very sure has something to do with Mass Effect.

Previously, thanks to a tip by some mustache-twirling batarians, the turians finally managed to track down the Migrant Fleet on Roof, and save said batarians from complete extermination at the hands of the quarians. The quarians, indignant over the interruption of their latest unprovoked mass murder of civilian targets, called in their human pals and tried to attack the turians. Again.

This actually went about as well as you would reasonably expect- to quote Ross Scott, shooting the cops in fact means they just send a lot more cops, and with literally thousands of turian ships pouring into the system the Alliance’s ass was resoundingly kicked. Turian troops even landed on Roof’s surface, but then the Alliance decided to use shitty knockoff orbital nukes to kill everyone– turians, quarians, human civilians, and whatever else- rather than allow filthy alien feet to desecrate their sacred soil.

Unsurprisingly, this left the Hierarchy more than a little pissed.

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2421: Athame’s Light – Chapter Two, Part One

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC and Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa

Hello, and welcome back to “Athame’s Light,” by Legionary Prime! I’m your host, SC, joined by Spectre Myrai, and last time, Myrai’s ship exploded, which sucked, because now I have to bribe Bifocals to build her a new one – which DOES NOT run the risk of killing her horrifically, so that’s extra bribery right there – but meanwhile, we got to read the thrilling adventures of the Asari meeting pre-uplift humanity, fighting Batarians, and the birth of Asari!Shep, who is the direct result of an unholy union between Councilor Tevos and Dad!Shep. There’s also Cousin!Shep, who’s the daughter of Hannah!Shep, and apparently she’ll have a somewhat leading role in this fic alongside Asari!Shep, so that’s just swell. Then the author got bored of actually showing things and instead resorted to a timeline crawl up to the point of the Eden Prime mission.

Spectre Myrai: Can I interrupt you for a minute, and say that it worries me that you have to bribe your resident engineer to not do a shitty job?

Ahahahahahahahaha

Spectre Myrai: Why’re you laughing?

Bifocals isn’t an engineer.

Spectre Myrai: Then, what is she?

Very probably the reason that the Reapers exist.

Spectre Myrai: …You know what, I’ll just mail order a new ship from some sleazy Volus, at least all they demand are credits.

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2417: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 5 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War In Mass Effect: A Mass Effect Tale, which is set in Mass Effect.

Last time the quarians and humans finally made their alliance official and the quarians got settled onto a continent of the human colony Eden that the humans I guess just were letting sit there.

Oh yeah, and also, we saw our first shot of the Council at the end, where it was revealed that the reason why the quarians were on the run in uncharted space to begin with was because they killed ten thousand turian colonists who dared to claim a planet the quarians had designs on through official channels beforehand and the Council is thus, for once, understandably pissed. It is unclear if the humans know about what the quarians did or not, but I don’t suppose they will care:

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2412: Mass Foundations: A New Day, Chapter Three

Title: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Author:  Nord Ronnoc
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden and special guest Jennifer Mui

DISCLAIMER: THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC, NORD RONNOC, AND RESIDENT LIBRARIAN HERR WOZZECK HAVE SOME HISTORY WITH ONE ANOTHER WHICH INCLUDES AN ON-AGAIN/OFF-AGAIN FEUD. I AM FAMILIAR WITH BOTH PARTIES AND HAVE NO STAKE OR INVOLVEMENT IN SAID FEUD. THIS IS SIMPLY A CRITIQUE OF NORD RONNOC’S STORY; NOTHING MORE OR LESS.

Hello and welcome back to the riff of Mass Foundations: A New Day. I’m ME-Iron Maiden and I’m joined once again by legendary mercenary Jennifer Mui.

Mui: Hopefully we’ll get something new called “plot progression” today.

Well, let’s check the chapter title and Author’s Note and see what we have in store today.

Chapter 3: I’ll Carry You Home Tonight

Mui: Oh, this bodes well.

I’m going to ready some target designators. I have a feeling one of our Librarians is going to need help with his aim.

Mui: It isn’t that chap who destroyed that Spectre’s ship in the other riff, is it?

Nope. This guy is all about overkill against bad and forced romance cliches and isn’t particular about collateral damage. He and Nillson would have much to discuss.

Mui: And I thought I caused massive amounts of property destruction… Wait a minute. If he hates bad romances, where was he when-

Let’s move on to the note.

UPDATE 1/17/14: In case it wasn’t clear by the last chapter’s narration, Eric’s siblings were not dead. They were fine, very much likely heartbroken by the loss of their brother. Like Eric had told himself, it was just a nightmare.

 And just like that, the ONE thing that could have made this fic actually interesting and unique thus far dies. Alone and unloved.

Mui: Godspeed, accidental good story idea.

As for this chapter, this was originally conceived by a friend of mine. He would like to write a dating scene/chapter when I asked him what he would like to do for me. However, as time went on, he was unable to write it due to focusing on other projects. So, he told me to take that chance and write it myself, and so I did.

Here you go. Enjoy the chapter, and I hope I did well writing a bit of romance, especially a same-sex couple.

Mui: Let me see if I understand this. He had a friend who wanted to ghost write a romantic chapter but said friend couldn’t complete the job so he decided to write it himself?

Kitchen sink writing at its finest: not only is Nord writing by the seat of his pants, he’s very quick to let others add content to a fic. That’s a path to some serious drama down the line if he isn’t careful.

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2406: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: Mass Effect Edition: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Previously, the whole “quarian-human first contact” thing inched minutely closer to actually having high-level talks, with a delegation of humans being formed to meet with a quarian forward party on Earth. One of them was an individual named Christopher McGraw who is a super-successful teenage prodigy engineer with a cybernetic arm, daddy issues, an insolent attitude, and a prissy AI assistant- basically, Tony Stark with none of the redeeming qualities. I hate him already.

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2401: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Last time, the unnecessary face-to-face meeting between the Alliance and the quarians devolved into an unnecessary gunfight between the Alliance and the quarians after the quarians saw an AI and freaked out. But then the humans and their Spartan-knockoffs wiped the floor with the quarians and all was made fine and dandy  and the AI got to preach a bunch, so this didn’t really amount to anything other than making the last few chapters both a peaceful cheerleader First Contact and a curbstomp First Contact at the exact same time.

I didn’t even know that was possible, but HFY finds a way.

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