2519: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to a whole new year of Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, Councilor Tevos T’sael and that Sborn Eistan jackass yelled at Councilor Sparatus a bunch for having the nerve to intervene in another quarian mass-murdering rampage with the goal of rescuing some batarians (and also for accidentally bombing New York, because absolutely everyone is really hung up on that one incident for some reason). They threatened to kick the turians off of the Council if Sparatus didn’t order an unconditional retreat even though, with everyone freaking out about New York, the turians had just seized the initiative and had the best chance they were probably ever gonna get to turn this whole thing around.

Also some soldiers talked about a dead baby a bunch, which was pretty pointless.

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2514: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

-WARNING(?)-
Today’s riff touches on issues relating to the regulation and use of weapons of mass destruction. This is partially a fairly standard flamebait warning because I am aware the topic could become contentious (see Call of Duty, Black Hell Ops, previously), but is also somewhat unusual in that I am willing to discuss the topic in more detail in the comments- there just wasn’t room, or relevancy for it in the riff proper.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turians finally got their bony asses in gear and bombed New York, by firing at some kind of human ship in orbit and missing. This resulted in the usual screeching from the OUTRAAAAGE!!!! Society, and… that was about it.

Oh yeah, and then, like literally tens of thousands of those dreadful SPARTAN knockoffs finally arrived. I can only imagine the cerulean carnage they‘re going to wreak on the unfortunate turians, assuming they ever actually get around to landing.

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2492: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 8 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome once again to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously in the invasion of Earth… not a lot actually happened. The turians are still holding up a competent if underdescribed groundgame, Christopher McGraw is still obnoxious, the British are still being shit on for some weird reason, and the humans’ stupid WWII-era oceanic navy fleet is still not scrap… and the overall situation is still basically the same as it was the last chapter.

These things are becoming so god damn formulaic that in fact I feel pretty confident in predicting what this chapter will contain without even having read it:

  • Someone will employ some sort of tactic that is either incredibly obvious but somehow had never been thought of before, or is incredibly stupid but somehow works. There is a greater than 50% chance that the tactic will be something that was employed in a previous chapter by either the targets or the people who are using it now, but both sides will treat it as a complete surprise.
  • A stupidly large number of objects that we have never seen before and never had described and consequently don’t care about will be destroyed as a result.
  • The other side will get OUTRAGED!!!!!!! about it.
  • Someone will make a melodramatic speech.
  • The overall course of the conflict will be utterly unchanged.

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IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 21

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2488: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 8 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, turian forces made landfall on Earth and started beating the crap out of the Alliance and UN. And, really, that was about it.

Oh yeah except that the humans fought back using anime mechs, which was never put on the Bingo Board because I never thought any HFY story that took itself even remotely seriously would actually try it. This is the second or third time that has happened with this story; somehow it has actually goneĀ beyond HFY and into something that’s a class all its own.

I still don’t know why the author even thinks giant robot wolves would even work when even the DARPA brochures he seems to consult for the majority of his technical background acknowledge that they are at the very least unfeasible with anything resembling current technology and only applicable to very rare military situations.

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IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 18

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2483: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 7 Part 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turian fleet made its way to Earth and was preparing to land ground troops thanks to their fell mastery of *shudders in horror* tactics, and also Christopher Mc-Chan was wandering around hitting things with a hammer and trying to produce antimatter which I thought the Alliance already had and just in general being obnoxious. Also apparently he has some kind of cybernetic implant called a ‘Brain Booster’ which somehow excuses his behavior by making it impossible for him to feel fear or whatever, I don’t even care and just want the turians to glass everyone already as we continue to slog through this wanky slaughterfest (slaughtery wankfest?) of a chapter.

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IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 12

We left off just as the narrative lost focus on any actual events and instead decided to wax rich and chunky about how god-damn ‘uge the Alliance First Fleet is.

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2478: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 7 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War!

Last time, the various individual countries still scuttling around on Earth decided to each mount their own defense against the incoming Turian Hierarchy fleet, which for some reason involved abandoning military operations over the Arctic, the United Kingdom evacuating the British Isles, and the United States deploying World-War-II oceangoing craft.

Surprisingly, this seemingly random strategy resoundingly failed to prevent the turians from smashing through Earth’s space defenses (mostly offscreen, no less!), and we left off last time just after the Alliance leadership had been informed that their entire Navy was bad and they should feel bad.

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IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 10

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2472: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 7 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! It’s been a hilarious, spoopy month (except for Cupcakes and The Bowser and King Boo Theory, which were both downright exhausting to riff), but now we’re back with more of Mass Effect: The First War in all its verbose, HFY-y, ‘Murcafied glory!

Yay………

Previously, we had a lot of exposition about World War 3 that didn’t matter to anything, Earth finally realized that the turians had occupied the horribly-named colony of Roof (wait, wasn’t it called Eden before? whatever), and Chris McAnnoyingface got recruited to design even more implausible weapons for the war effort along with his quarian Shipping Object Talo’xorn. Let’s see what fresh bullshit is hurled our way in the NEXT installment!

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IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 8

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