Hey, patrons! Welcome back to Adopted, this week we finally finish off this turkey! And then hopefully we can get on to doing some wholesome, cleansing one-shots.
“What about the Raptor and I rewrite?”
“But you prom-”
“Last time the raptors hovered around Annie’s insensate body while waiting for the bruised rib to heal enough for her to regain consciousness. Eventually she did wake up and quickly joined Fitz for some exposition of the previous chapter. Other than a few more blobs of Nedry hate, that was pretty much it.”
Onwards to glory!
“You’re in a strange mood today.”
I had two hours of sleep last night and am already on my fourth coffee! I added espresso to this one! Let’s do this!
“Well okay then.”
Heyo, patrons! Welcome back to
Prehistoric Bestiality 3 Adopted. If we split this chapter up, we’ve got just enough fic left for two installments. So soon we’ll be free of Raptor and I forever!
“Until you do the rewrite.”
So basically forever! So, what happened last time?
“Well, Fitz hurt his leg, Annie fixed it, Fitz and his sister baton-passed the point of view a bit to exposite his affection for Annie, and then Muldoon and nameless keeper twelve shot Fitz’s father.”
That feels like a lot of progress for one chapter, especially given that the first three chapters limped along like a wounded sloth. I’d pretend to be surprised that the pacing is so inconsistent, but I won’t insult the intelligence of our patrons like that. Instead, let’s get this party rolling!
Welcome back to
Raptor and I Life with Raptors Adopted! The totally-not-a-ripoff-of-other-ripoffs fic! With me again as my raptor correspondent is Eliza! Say hello, Eliza.
You didn’t do the joke.
*Taco heaves a sigh* Recap?
“One of my lesser kin, Sharifa, tried to eat cola can and
Rae May Anna had to come in and save her by cramming an arm down her throat. I think that was it.”
Well, that does gloss over the half-chapter of padding where Anna was supar skerd of the raptors! And the other half where he boss had to wake her up to do something that should have been the Veterinarian’s job.
Anyway, let’s see what the next chapter is all about.
Chapter Four: Gunpoint
I suppose it’s too much hope for that the raptors get their claws on some guns.
“Raptors have talons, not claws.”
Technically talons are just a kind of claw.
“Technically humans taste wonderful!”
Talons it is.
Hey, folks! Welcome back to Adopted! Another Raptor and I clone that’s not even trying to pretend it isn’t a Raptor and I clone!
“Hopefully this week we will get to see more raptors.”
Even if we do, I’m not so sure they count as raptors.
“Last time we got introduced to our new Rae! This model of Rae is referred to as Anna and is the kennel help variety as opposed as the original botany flavor. The first thing Anna does when arriving in the island is ignore everyone and then notice the dinosaurs. After that, we went over to the newest model of Sorin called Fitzroy. He banters with his sister over dinner, complains about the parental pressure to marry, and then makes a bet with his sister over that involves sexually assaulting Nedry as the stakes.”
You make it sound so good.
This week opens with the now standard author’s note featuring her copy-pasted disclaimer and a gaggle of responses to her reviews. We’re just going to skip all-
Hey guys, welcome back to Wednesday! Now that we’ve finally put Heroes and Villains behind us, it’s time for a month or so of palate cleansers. You know what that means: One-sho-
*Eliza slips into the room holding a fic in her talons. It’s bound in heavy chains with a plethora of locks holding them fast.*
No. Put that away. I’m not going to do that one.
“But you promised everyone. It’s been enough time, Taco, you have to do it.”
But, those fics are so bad, I don’t wanna!
“I’ll help if you like. I do have some insight into this particular set of fics.”
No! Go get something else.
“You can have this Caramel Macchiato I picked up from Lina’s.” *Eliza holds out a Suddenly There™ cup of coffee.*
*Taco eyes up the coffee*
Fine, you win. Pop it on the screen and let’s do this thing. Patrons, this week we have for you Adopted, one of the many fics directly inspired by Raptor and I. For those of you who have been here a while, or have read through our massive archive of riffs-
“Or have read the minions page.”
Yes, or that. Anyway, those of you who’ve done one of those will recognize that fic as the one Eliza was rescued from.
“The same one you tried to put me back into.”
It’s been over three years, let it go.
Hey there, patrons! Since I just got back from a vacation and am in the process of digging myself out of a large pile of things that built up while I was away, this week we’re going to tackle a small, terrible little one-shot I dug up out of the Earthbound section of FF.net.
The summary pretty much speaks for itself, so let’s start there.
Lura is taken from her home near Tazmily Village to serve the needs of New Pork City. However, things don’t go exactly to the Pigmasks’ plans…
The reason this speaks for itself is that there is no “Lura” in any of the Earthbound games, let alone Mother 3, the one that has Tazmily Village in it. Yes, patrons, we’ve got an OC on our hands as the featured character. And given that Lura is only one letter off from the first four letters of the author’s moniker, well, you can pretty much see where this is going.
Title: A Very Special Christmas
Author: Jasmin Kenobi
Media: Television / Movies / Whatever else you have.
Topic: Star Wars / Kitchen Sink
URL: A Very Special Christmas
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy
Heyo, patrons! Welcome back to this year’s holiday-of-choice special! With me again is Crunchy.
I am not using your full title.
“Fine, then you can do the recap yourself.”
Fair enough. Last time we met Jasmine Kenobi, our resident author-insertion Sue. Jasmine is a Jedi knight, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, and the top street fighter of Tatooine. Last time, she spent some time agonizing over what to buy for her babies before the scene shifted over to her padawan,T’mir, getting hassled by Scottie and Chekov while trying to purchase a window. After that, we cut up to the bridge of the Enterprise as Kirk embraces the life of the intergalactic voyer and continues the crusade against T’mir by spying on her in her room. Spock acts all mysterious for about three sentences before it’s dropped that T’mir is his cousin.
So, Spock goes down to visit his cousin, and is promptly interrupted by a baby, Ashoka, and one of the infants. Everyone banters for a few sentences before the baby and Ashoka leave to be quickly replaced by Elaine Kirk and Clone Trooper Jesse. Which apparently was supposed to be a cliff hanger because the chapter ends abruptly after she introduces herself.
“A shame that cliff hangers require audience investment to be effective.”
Yeah, not giving a crap about the name parade really does hamstring any tension that might try to accumulate.