1795: Adopted – Chapter Three

Title: Adopted
Author: Angie J Trifid
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Friendship/Romance
URL: Adopted
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey, folks!  Welcome back to Adopted! Another Raptor and I clone that’s not even trying to pretend it isn’t a Raptor and I clone!

“Hopefully this week we will get to see more raptors.”

Even if we do, I’m not so sure they count as raptors.

“Last time we got introduced to our new Rae!  This model of Rae is referred to as Anna and is the kennel help variety as opposed as the original botany flavor.  The first thing Anna does when arriving in the island is ignore everyone and then notice the dinosaurs.  After that, we went over to the newest model of Sorin called Fitzroy.  He banters with his sister over dinner, complains about the parental pressure to marry, and then makes a bet with his sister over that involves sexually assaulting Nedry as the stakes.”

You make it sound so good.

“Right!?”

This week opens with the now standard author’s note featuring her copy-pasted disclaimer and a gaggle of responses to her reviews.  We’re just going to skip all-

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1788: Adopted – Chapters One and Two

Title: Adopted
Author: Angie J Trifid
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Friendship/Romance
URL: Adopted
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey guys, welcome back to Wednesday!  Now that we’ve finally put Heroes and Villains behind us, it’s time for a month or so of palate cleansers.  You know what that means: One-sho-

*Eliza slips into the room holding a fic in her talons.  It’s bound in heavy chains with a plethora of locks holding them fast.*

No.  Put that away.  I’m not going to do that one.

“But you promised everyone.  It’s been enough time, Taco, you have to do it.”

But, those fics are so bad, I don’t wanna!

“I’ll help if you like.  I do have some insight into this particular set of fics.”

No!  Go get something else.

“You can have this Caramel Macchiato I picked up from Lina’s.”  *Eliza holds out a Suddenly There™ cup of coffee.*

Well…

*Taco eyes up the coffee*

Fine, you win.  Pop it on the screen and let’s do this thing.  Patrons, this week we have for you Adopted, one of the many fics directly inspired by Raptor and I.  For those of you who have been here a while, or have read through our massive archive of riffs-

“Or have read the minions page.”

Yes, or that.  Anyway, those of you who’ve done one of those will recognize that fic as the one Eliza was rescued from.

“The same one you tried to put me back into.”

It’s been over three years, let it go.

“‘kay!”

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1686: The Masked Man and the Girl – Oneshot

Title: The Masked Man and the Girl
Author: Lunaiasu
Media: Video Game
Topic: EarthBound
Genre: Friendship/Fantasy
URL: The Masked Man and the Girl
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey there, patrons!  Since I just got back from a vacation and am in the process of digging myself out of a large pile of things that built up while I was away, this week we’re going to tackle a small, terrible little one-shot I dug up out of the Earthbound section of FF.net.

The summary pretty much speaks for itself, so let’s start there.

Lura is taken from her home near Tazmily Village to serve the needs of New Pork City. However, things don’t go exactly to the Pigmasks’ plans…

The reason this speaks for itself is that there is no “Lura” in any of the Earthbound games, let alone Mother 3, the one that has Tazmily Village in it.  Yes, patrons, we’ve got an OC on our hands as the featured character.  And given that Lura is only one letter off from the first four letters of the author’s moniker, well, you can pretty much see where this is going.

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1636: A Very Special Christmas – Chapters Three and Four

Title: A Very Special Christmas
Author: Jasmin Kenobi
Media: Television / Movies / Whatever else you have.
Topic: Star Wars / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Adventure/Friendship
URL: A Very Special Christmas 
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to this year’s holiday-of-choice special!  With me again is Crunchy.

“Ahem.”

I am not using your full title.

“Fine, then you can do the recap yourself.”

Fair enough.  Last time  we met Jasmine Kenobi, our resident author-insertion Sue.  Jasmine is a Jedi knight, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, and the top street fighter of Tatooine.  Last time, she spent some time agonizing over what to buy for her babies before the scene shifted over to her padawan,T’mir, getting hassled by Scottie and Chekov while trying to purchase a window.  After that, we cut up to the bridge of the Enterprise as Kirk embraces the life of the intergalactic voyer and continues the crusade against T’mir by spying on her in her room.  Spock acts all mysterious for about three sentences before it’s dropped that T’mir is his cousin.

So, Spock goes down to visit his cousin, and is promptly interrupted by a baby, Ashoka, and one of the infants.  Everyone banters for a few sentences before the baby and Ashoka leave to be quickly replaced by Elaine Kirk and Clone Trooper Jesse.  Which apparently was supposed to be a cliff hanger because the chapter ends abruptly after she introduces herself.

“A shame that cliff hangers require audience investment to be effective.”

Yeah, not giving a crap about the name parade really does hamstring any tension that might try to accumulate.

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1629: A Very Special Christmas – Chapters One and Two

Title: A Very Special Christmas
Author: Jasmin Kenobi
Media: Television / Movies / Whatever else you have.
Topic: Star Wars / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Adventure/Friendship
URL: A Very Special Christmas 
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

“Gleeful Sithmas season to you all, Patrons!  I hope none of you have been very good this year, since only the most vile among you will get a visit from Thanos tonight!”

Does that generally end well?

“That depends.  If you can best him in single combat, or if you lay enough traps, you can wrest the Infinity Gauntlet from him and be like unto a god for the rest of the holiday season.  Otherwise he lays waste to you and everything you hold dear.  Which is beneficial to the rest of us because it thins the herd a bit.”

Can you remind me why we all celebrate this holiday again?

“For those not at the top of the villainy pyramid, the season comes with a gift exchange and an all-you-can eat pie buffet.  Pie is one of those things that transcends the boundaries of good and evil.”

Right.  Heyo patrons, I hope you’re all having a good holiday-of-choice season!  As is tradition, I’ve asked Crunchy here to sit in and help out as our resident expert on Sithmas.

In order to get everyone in the holiday spirit, I planned to riff a Saturnalia fic for everyone.  Sadly, those are in short supply, so I had to sub in a Christmas fic instead as there are thousands of those to chose from.  This year, I found a little gem in the Star Wars cross-overs that ostensibly is a Star War / Star Trek 2009 crossover, but that classification doesn’t really capture everything that this fic is.  It’s a little on the long side for what I have time for, so we’ll be chopping it in half and making it a two-week special.

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1463: Magic, love and fun – One Shot

Title: Magic, love and fun
Author: Lord Jeremy Silver
Media: Books/TV show
Topic: Harry Potter/How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Friendship/Humor
URL: Magic, love and fun
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Hello again, Dear Patrons.  In search of a fic to riff for your entertainment this week, inspired by Ghostie’s recent project, I wandered back into the Harry Potter crossover section of ff.net.  There’s a lot of stuff there.  And to my surprise (though it probably shouldn’t have been), there are a lot of fics for HPxHIMYM.  For those unfamiliar, that’s “How I Met Your Mother,” a sit-com about a group of 20-to-30-something-year-old friends living in NYC and dating each other that ran from 2005 through 2014.

There really doesn’t seem to be any logical way of combining these two canons, but when has that ever stopped fic authors?

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1415: Cute – Oneshot

Title: Cute
Author: WhenDreamsComeToLife
Media: Video Game
Topic: Star Ocean: The Last Hope
Genre: Friendship
URL: Cute
Critiqued by SC

Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host SC, and as you can see, this is a oneshot! This oneshot is simply so that you guys have something to chew on while I finish up the next part of my big riff, because the more there is to write, the slower I go, strangely. I’m by myself this week, because I honestly couldn’t find an OC of mine that fit for this riff.

Monocle: YOU COULD HAVE INVITED MONOCLE!

No, fuck off.

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