565: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 32 & 24

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 32
URL: Chapter 24
Critiqued by Ghostcat

:From within the depths of the Library comes a low, pitiful groan as if from a wounded and dying animal. The eerie sound echoes through the vast halls, accompanied by the scuffle of slippered feet. :

Ugh,

Sweet mercy, my head. If feels like someone yanked my brain out and stuffed one of those cymbal-playing monkeys inside my skull. :footsteps grow closer: Shinobi-san, is that you? Why did you let me drink so much last time?

:Papers rustle as the loyal ninja hands over a sheaf of tear-stained notes to the Librarian sprawled across the stone floor.:

Oh, right. Understandable then. Would you please summon the others to carry me into the Riffing Chamber? And bring me a pot of tea and the crate of analgesics while we’re waiting, if you please. There’s a dear.

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER—

Hello and Happy Black Friday, my splendid Patrons!

Has everyone else recovered from last week’s trauma? Good! Now, time to bring it all back with the recap.

The Dork Side summoned reinforcements to defeat Lola & Co and instead of fighting back, Lola called her Dad for help. God sent the Doctor to pick them up in the TARDIS and shortly afterwards the DeLorean exploded.

:moment of silence:

Never fear, though, for the Doctor has a new car for Jesus – a 1970 Dodge Challenger. To Lola he gives Spooby the coochipede, who is a combination contraceptive device/rape preventative/tampon/unholy nightmare, as well as a Pokeball containing a Lugia. The chapter ended on that deeply disturbing note, which leads us into today’s chapters – titled My Best Friend’s Girl and My Super Ex-Girlfriend respectfully.

First up is either Chapter Thirty-Two or Chapter Twenty-Three; it is listed as thirty-two on DeviantArt but the heading in the chapter proper lists it as twenty-three. The autor uses a very … eccentric numbering system for her chapters in the later updates, which has made it tricky to pin down just how many chapters there are.

Since the fic is continuing its downward spiral into complete illegibility, I will once again be summarizing the bulk of the chapters.

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564: Twenty Warriors – Prologue and Chapter One

Title: Twenty Warriors
Author: Herr Wozzeck
Media:  Video Games/Comics/Cartoons
Topic: Skies of Arcadia/Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn duology)/X-Men/Punisher/Super Smash Brothers/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Tales of Symphonia/Dead or Alive/Riviera: The Promised Land/Gears of War
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Twenty Warriors: Prologue and Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

*BAM* *BAM* *BAM*

Hey patrons, guess what came back from the percussion shop during the week? Yes, it’s Alma, and she’s better than ever! Isn’t she a beauty? Man, am I glad she’s back… We’re gonna have some good times, Alma, oh yes we are.

Anyway, welcome back to the Library, patrons! After slogging through Beyond Twilight and coming face to face with that, we’re back. And man, do I have a doozy for you. This is a mega crossover, it barely makes any sense, it basically runs on rule of cool, it features a lot of craziness…

…and you may already notice who the author is.

That’s right! Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to be snarking my biggest old shame for you guys! Hey, we all had to start as terrible fanfic authors at some point, you know? And now that I’m here, I think I’m ready to take on this stinker, which was started back when I was 17 and knew absolutely nothing about what the fuck I was doing.

Some of you may be thinking “wait, Herr, aren’t you the creator”? Well, yes, I am, and this means I do unfortunately have a potential skew towards myself. But you know what? Nobody else will snark this, and I’ve been wanting someone to tear this fic apart for years, so you know what? Sometimes, there are some things you just have to do yourself.

And hey, several years gives me hindsight, so hopefully the bias won’t be an issue. That said, let’s get to it, shall we?

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563: Raptor and I – Chapter Four

Title: Raptor and I
Author:
 Akashi.Cloud / ZincRae
Media: Movie
Topic:  Jurassic Park
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Raptor and I: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Darth Crunchy & TacoMagic

Welcome back to-

Crunchy, my name is no longer in bold face type.

“Those pesky interns must have misunderstood my instruction.  Fret not, I will be explicitly clear with them for next week.”

See that you are. Read the rest of this entry »


562: Twin Humanities – Opening and Chapters 1 and 2

Title: Twin Humanities
Author: max7238
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure Romance
URL: OpeningChapter 1, and Chapter 2
Critiqued by Erttheking

W:  Hey ert, what’s that grin on your face for?

E:  We’re not doing From Another World anymore.  We’re gonna be waiting for the author to put out more material so we can continue it.  Arrival was so “meh” it wasn’t pressing enough to cover now, especially since that bit with Shepard’s past trying to one up it at the end was cut out. Instead we’re gonna do a Dark Souls fanfic.  And let me tell you.  I.  Fucking.  LOVE!  Dark Souls.

C:  Well, Nora and Goeth are out looking for the missing rings so I guess we can afford to help you out with this one.  But Ert, Dark Souls is a pretty niche game, not a lot of people know about it or the lore.

E:  Oh yeah.  Half of the reason I wanted to do this do I could explain it to people, get more people to know about it.  Dark Souls is a very deep world with a lot of hidden lore and I don’t want to overwhelm everyone though, so I’m gonna give them the information in bite sizes and on a need to know basis. Read the rest of this entry »


561: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 21 & 22

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 21
URL: Chapter 22
Critiqued by Ghostcat

CAUTION: THIS FIC CONTAINS ADULT THEMES AND SOMETHING WHICH DEFIES DESCRIPTION. HONESTLY, I CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS WITHOUT SERIOUSLY CREEPING PEOPLE OUT, BUT IT IS BAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Hello once more, my beautiful and/or handsome Patrons! I hope you are having a wonderful day, because that’s about to change. And how.

In the last pair of chapters, Lola & Co woke up after their epic party to discover that Lola’s Pokeballs had been stolen and oh, by the way, the baby is also missing. The group hops into the DeLorean that appears from out of thin air and speed off towards Hell even though they’ve never gone to Hell that way before. Meanwhile, in the Metallicar, the Dork Side discover that Leslie has stolen Loward (whom she renames Jaslie) because reasons even though they had left the baby for dead at the end of a previous chapter and then the two vehicles crash into one another. There’s a big showdown in the middle of the interstate where the Dork Side tries to use Lola’s Pokeballs only to discover they have stolen the wrong ones. Why Lola failed to mention this during the time she was panicking over having her Pokeballs stolen, I have no idea.  So there was a big fight between Lola’s Pokemons and the Dork Side that ended with the bad guys running away like little cowards, and then the good guys were confronted by Loward/Jaslie for some reason I’m sure I’ll hate.

To the chapters!

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560: Beyond Twilight – Chapter Three

Title: Beyond Twilight
Author: Archangel Kaiser Scott
Media:  Cartoon
Topic: Camp Lazlo
Genre: Horror/Mystery
URL: Beyond Twilight: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the last installment of this pretentious shitfest. Last time, we left on a discussion of what I think the single biggest problem with this fic is—that is, that it doesn’t really seem to have an overall vision for itself. I have a theory for why that is, but for now… we have more pretentious fic to get through.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

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559: Raptor and I – Chapter Three

Title: Raptor and I
Author:
 Akashi.Cloud / ZincRae
Media: Movie
Topic:  Jurassic Park
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Raptor and I: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Darth Crunchy & TacoMagic

Welcome back, dear patrons to-

Wait, why is my name second in the ‘Critiqued by’ field?

“Our names are both in attendance there; do we really need to play the ‘my name first’ game?  It is assuredly just an honest mistake made by our interns and unlikely to happen again.  I shall have a discussion with them before our slot next week.”

*Sigh* You’re probably right.  Nothing to get angry over, anyway.  Speaking of things to get angry about, let’s see what our fic has for us this week! Read the rest of this entry »