2414: Deity Battle! – Chapter 1

Title: Deity Battle!
Author: Vanitus Omnipotent
Media: Literature/Web Show
Topic: Mythology/Death Battle
Genre: Adventure/Supernatural
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a wacky little potential oneshot that is possibly the work of a troll or someone with strong trollish leanings. They have multiple fics in their profile, which is unusual for a troll, but none are very good so they could just be a regular badfic author. It is supposedly a crossover between Mythology and Web Shows, which are two categories that have a tendency to catch some of the most vague and pointless crap set adrift in the sea of pointless crap that is ff.net’s massive catalogue of badfics – however, this fic actually does fit into those categories.

Shocking, I know. Let’s look at the summary, shall we?

Inspired by Death Battle. Do you want to see your favorite deities fight? Can you see Aphrodite fight to the ‘death? Well, this is for you!

I am curious to see who Aphrodite would be throwing hands with, because I guarantee she would cut a bitch. The Goddess of Beauty does not mess about.

With the OC’s Jen and Greg, your mythological questions will be answered!

Considering how fluid and downright contradictory mythology as a whole can be, I find that extremely unlikely.

Now, on to the fic proper.

Rules:

No using mortals or demigods

No summoning monsters unless they are their symbols of power

You get stronger if you find small tributes to you in the battle, but lose strength if they are for the other deity

No outside assistance or the use of anything outside the contestant’s pantheon or mythos

No attempts to use crowd members or you get disqualified

And finally, no cheating.

Xxxxx

…Or some sort of rules list that is in the beginning of the fic for some reason. Not one hundred percent sure why this is even here; this is supposed to be a fanfic, not a forum RPG. Presumably the author was hoping to get submissions from the audience, or something of that nature. SO far there’s only a few reviews, and one of them is a bunch of Hitler copy-pasta.

-Somewhere on earth, New York-

That is not very helpful. According to placesnamed.com, there are seventy-four locations called “New York” just in the United States – presumably there are locations outside the US as well that would increase that number. Unless it’s supposed to be set in a place called Earth that is in New York state. I don’t even know if such a place exists.

:Google break:

Sadly, no.  The closest thing I can find is a restaurant called Graffiti Earth that’s in New York City.

“Looks like there’ll be rain again, good thing I packed an umbrella.” drawled a man looking outside while brushing his hair.

This man was a tall man with black hair in a bob cut style, wearing a casual black dress shirt, dark gray pants, a red tie and dark brown eyes.

While I applaud his forethought in bringing an umbrella, I’m more concerned with why he is wearing brown eyes. And where exactly is he wearing them? Tucked into his lapel?

This was a normal day for him actually, go to work, eat some churros, try to get a date, rinse and repeat.

Unless he’s a professional hair-brusher, he’s not doing anything of those things right now.

But today, well it might change forever if he finishes his hair before he realized that he was only five minutes late for work.

Nani?

What does that even mean?

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2413: Voicebox Ch. 3

Title: Voicebox: A Ticci Toby fanfiction
Author: WhiteSiren
Media: Creepypasta
Topic: Ticci Toby/Jeff the Killer/ Slenderman / etc.
Genre: Horror/Romance
URL: Voicebox
Critiqued by PsychoNerd054

The six people who were sitting in the living room stared at Father as if he had grown a second head.

In a world full of deformed freaks, that’s totally something to be weirded out by! Am I right?

There was one in black and white who looked like a gothic clown with a striped cone nose. His jaw dropped and a bunch of half chewed candy fell out.

“Is that…a girl?”

Sitting on the floor in front of the T.V. was a boy who looked a lot like Link, but had black eyes with red pupils. After staring at Father for a minute his eyes landed on me and he gave me a perverted grin.

Because if there is another thing this story needs to further ruin all our innocence, it’s the author turning little kids into perverted slobs.

 A young man in black and dark blue, wearing a dark blue mask with black ooze coming out of the eye sockets was sitting in a chair with an open book in his lap.

Get it? He’s Eyeless Jack… and he’s reading a book. So creative!

 I couldn’t really tell what he was thinking because of his mask.

Yet he still manages to show far more emotion than you ever had in the story so far.

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2412: Mass Foundations: A New Day, Chapter Three

Title: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Author:  Nord Ronnoc
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden and special guest Jennifer Mui

DISCLAIMER: THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC, NORD RONNOC, AND RESIDENT LIBRARIAN HERR WOZZECK HAVE SOME HISTORY WITH ONE ANOTHER WHICH INCLUDES AN ON-AGAIN/OFF-AGAIN FEUD. I AM FAMILIAR WITH BOTH PARTIES AND HAVE NO STAKE OR INVOLVEMENT IN SAID FEUD. THIS IS SIMPLY A CRITIQUE OF NORD RONNOC’S STORY; NOTHING MORE OR LESS.

Hello and welcome back to the riff of Mass Foundations: A New Day. I’m ME-Iron Maiden and I’m joined once again by legendary mercenary Jennifer Mui.

Mui: Hopefully we’ll get something new called “plot progression” today.

Well, let’s check the chapter title and Author’s Note and see what we have in store today.

Chapter 3: I’ll Carry You Home Tonight

Mui: Oh, this bodes well.

I’m going to ready some target designators. I have a feeling one of our Librarians is going to need help with his aim.

Mui: It isn’t that chap who destroyed that Spectre’s ship in the other riff, is it?

Nope. This guy is all about overkill against bad and forced romance cliches and isn’t particular about collateral damage. He and Nillson would have much to discuss.

Mui: And I thought I caused massive amounts of property destruction… Wait a minute. If he hates bad romances, where was he when-

Let’s move on to the note.

UPDATE 1/17/14: In case it wasn’t clear by the last chapter’s narration, Eric’s siblings were not dead. They were fine, very much likely heartbroken by the loss of their brother. Like Eric had told himself, it was just a nightmare.

 And just like that, the ONE thing that could have made this fic actually interesting and unique thus far dies. Alone and unloved.

Mui: Godspeed, accidental good story idea.

As for this chapter, this was originally conceived by a friend of mine. He would like to write a dating scene/chapter when I asked him what he would like to do for me. However, as time went on, he was unable to write it due to focusing on other projects. So, he told me to take that chance and write it myself, and so I did.

Here you go. Enjoy the chapter, and I hope I did well writing a bit of romance, especially a same-sex couple.

Mui: Let me see if I understand this. He had a friend who wanted to ghost write a romantic chapter but said friend couldn’t complete the job so he decided to write it himself?

Kitchen sink writing at its finest: not only is Nord writing by the seat of his pants, he’s very quick to let others add content to a fic. That’s a path to some serious drama down the line if he isn’t careful.

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The ‘Rama’ Sequels: A Literary Hard-SF Trainwrecktrospective

Title: Rama II and The Garden of Rama
Author: Arthur C. Clarke (theoretically) and Gentry Lee
Media: Literature
Topic: Rendezvous with Rama
Genre: Sci-Fi
URL: They are actual printed books that you have to actually buy.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

As Mass Effect The First War continues to drag on to an uncertain conclusion, I’ve decided I’ll be taking a break every five or so chapters to keep things interesting around here. Normally I’ll be riffing oneshots or fanart or doing goodfic recommendations during these interludes, but there’s something else I’ve been meaning to look at for a good long while now that, while it falls under LotD’s general umbrella of “really terrible writing based on a pre-existing canon”, is not technically fanfiction. Think of this as similar in a lot of ways to Bats’s comic retrospectives, although really it probably is closer to just plain fanfiction that somehow got published alongside the original source material.

Please be aware that I have blacked out spoilers for the original work here, although those are mostly confined to the summary of said original work since the sequels have precious little to do with its mythology.

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2411: The Purple Queen – Chapter 19

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 19
Critiqued by BatJamags

The Elephant Fragment

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 75
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of this. Last time, I would not technically say that nothing happened, so I suppose that’s an improvement over the two chapters before that. What’s that they say about faint praise?

Anyway, some random Atlesian troops were randomly besieging a random Vale village for some random reason, and Ruby randomly killed them all. Meanwhile, Yang and Jaune came to the shocking conclusion that – *gasp* – Ruby wants revenge on the dumbass conspirators!

Right, so anyway, let’s get started!

“It hurts. Dust damnit, it hurts like hell!”

– BatJamags’ thoughts on the narration.

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2410: The Book of Digimon: Chapter One, Part One

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*On the edge of Kuat, the battered remains of a Sovereign Class Star Destroyer lies inside a nebula shielded construction site. On the Bridge itself, three individuals prepareto face off against their worst nightmares…*

Thomas Svarti: Let me get this straight-Tyber Zann hijacked this thing, and dumped it to be destroyed?

Captain Martinov Petra: Yes. Not to mention, left a few damaged components. Looks good up top, but shit everywhere else.

Zeus: Hey, we’re live!

Martinov: Ah, that’s my cue.

Svarti: Call me if you need me.

*Zues And Martinov take seats in front of a projector*

Zeus: Hello, and welcome to a shorter riff than usual, at least in terms of chapters. Now, as I’ve alluded too, I had a Sovereign, but it’s been suffering from calibration issues. But since we aren’t supposed to kill shit with a giant fuckoff laser, I deemed it safe to proceed.

Martinov: *coughs akwardly*

Zeus: Oh, right. This is Lieutenant Martinov, an OC of mine. He’s essentially an Imperial patrol leader who happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Martinov: Truth to be told, I didn’t think I was going to get Vader’s approval for stopping Leia in her tracks.

Zeus: Regardless, now we have to pay for…expenses, by suffering. Specifically with “The Book of Digimon” by Marko Ragnos629, who is an alternate account of the guy who wrote that one Danny Phantom/Jurassic World Crossover.

And since this is a Star Wars/Digimon crossover, I’d be obligated to tell you about Digimon…if I actually knew about it. I only read Secret of the 327th for the Star Wars bits.

Martinov: And the other half?

Zeus: Some weird prophecy thing involving a Dark Centaur and a lake of DARKNESS. I don’t know, and I don’t think I care.

But that’s not what’s on the menu, this is.

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2409: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike – Chapter 4

 

Title: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike
Author: PLeasedestroyme
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: none given
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by: Ghostcat with ‘special guest’ Syl

 

—TRIGGER WARNING—

—THIS POST CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT, WHILE NOT GRAPHIC OR EXPLICIT, MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME PEOPLE—

—READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED–

 

:Ghostie drags herself into the Riffing Chamber and flops down at the desk:

Ughhhhh. I really need to stop checking on my old fics. It brings me nothing but pain.

:plucks a massive mug of something steaming out of the Formless Void:

So, as is often my habit, I did a quick scan through the abandoned fics in my Pile-o-Fail and wouldn’t you know it? It would seem that the author of the saga of Blind Mike the Robot Fondler, also known as “Five night’s with Foxy and Mike“, also known as the robo-molestation fic, updated with another chapter. Yay.

:sips drink:

Not even this comically oversized mug full of Lina’s Black Death espresso can help me now.

It’s been close to two years since the last riff in the series, but the tl;dr version is that Blind Mike the Robot Fondler is have Adult Thoughts regarding Foxy, who is a busted-out wreck of a robot and is having a token internal conflict regarding said Adult Thoughts. There’s been too much some touching, hence the nickname, and Blind Mike the Robot Fondler considers Foxy’s lack of negative response as consent – which is one hundred percent not how consent works. At all. Not even a little bit. Also the Author’s Notes keep promising that there’s going to be dick-insertion at some point, but there’s probably not going to be any dick-mangling. Maybe. Possibly. Almost definitely. I’m putting up a warning just in case.

Now, on to the fic. Such as it is.

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