895: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter X

 

Title: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee
Author: HopelessRomanticArtist1990
Media: TV Show
Topic:  Samurai Jack
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter X
Critiqued by Ghostcat 

 

 

Hello, delighted and delightful Patrons! I hope you’re well this fine Black Friday. I have returned with yet another chapter of this dreary mess. What happened last time? Well, let’s see … :reaches for notes: Ummm…Where are my notes?

:rummages through desk drawer, tossing items over shoulder:

Pencil, pencil, squirrel mercenary, eraser, C-4, box of paper clips, dry erase pen, miniature glaive, rubber bands, cuddle buddy, Infinity Stone, partially eaten sandwich, apple … Where the hell are my notes?

SHINOBI-SAN!

:ninja appears:

Shinobi-san, where … Wait, you’re not Shinobi-san.

:ninja bows: “Apologies, Ghostcat-sama, but the honorable liaison is indisposed at the moment.”

Indisposed? What does that mean? Y’all can handle twelve impossible things before breakfast without blinking an eye.

“Dragon-kun located the clan’s strategic tiramisu reserves.”

… Yeah, that’s a problem. I guess you’ll have to do. Do you happen to have my notes from last time?

“Of course.” :hands over notebook:

:reading: Luna cures her hangover with magical medicine and then she goes out to the forest, where Jewel-Sue is skinning-dipping to recharge herself, and then info-dumps on Jack.

I probably should re-word that a bit. Oh, well. To the next chapter!

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894: X-COM: Resurrection – Chapter One

Title: X-COM: Resurrection
Author: Meshakhad
Media:  Video Game
Topic: X-COM
Genre: Sci-Fi
URL: X-COM: Resurrection: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the point where we finally break the fuck away from those god-awful Quarter Quell sequels!

I just… good God, those were awful! I can’t believe I managed to weather the storm through all of those fucking sequels! I just… there’s gotta be something out there that’s bad but with at least somewhat decent prose, right?

*offstage trombone*

There is? Sweet! So what is it?

*fic is lobbed at him*

Ow! My eye!

*rubs eye*

Hm… Let’s see this… Hm, X-COM fic with a dumb premise, but the prose doesn’t seem too bad. Really, it’s actually not bad prose by any stretch of the—

*offstage trombone*

It’s got what!?

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/XCOMResurrection

Well, shit

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893: AQ Males X Reader – Oneshot

Title: AQ Males X Reader
Author:   Kestrel Lockhart
Media: Video Game
Topic: Adventure Quest
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort  
URL: AQ Males X Reader
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, patrons!  As I mentioned last week I’ve decided to extend my oneshot spree out for one more week since this week is rather full what with the holiday.  As such, I’m bringing you a strange little second-person point of view (AKA reader-insertion) fic called AQ Males X Reader.  You know it’s going to be good when the fic title is the same as premise of the fic.

Before we get started, I’d like to mention that second-person point of view fics are almost universally disasters.  I’ve never seen it done well, and, while I’m not denying the possibility that it might be possible to create a good second-person fic, the chance of finding such a fic seems vanishingly small.   I know it’s not impossible to do it well because there are actually a small number of decent second-person short stories written by a modest array of writers; so there is always a chance that a fic author of appropriate skill might come along and write a good one.

However, we won’t be seeing that today.

This fic is based on a single-player web game called Adventure Quest that has been around since about 2002.  It’s a somewhat for-free* flash-based web game that’s actually surprisingly fun.  It’s blatantly a grinding/time-waster game for sure, but it’s easy to get into and just as easy to stand up and wander away from when you’re done.  FrozenPoodleMeat and I have played it on and off for about 11 years now, so you could say I’m rather familiar with the source material.  There are a couple of spin-off games that are pretty neat too, but those aren’t important to this fic.

*You can pay a one-time fee for a Guardian account that comes with a lot of perks and extra stuff you can do… and it’s actually worth it if you like the game.  FPM and I have had a guardian accounts on AQ since 2004 and have certainly received our money’s worth.

In this fic you are the main character and the main theme is that you’re having interactions with the supporting NPC characters you can meet and talk to in the game.  Things will quickly get generic enough that it won’t really matter all that much who any of these characters are, but I’ll toss some wiki-links your way as we get to them.  Since I’m pressed for time, I’ll skip the SC-level game content rants.

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892: Normandy High – Chapter 19 part 2 & Chapter 20

Title: Normandy High
Author: The Eezoman
Media: Videogame
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL:   Chapter 19 & Chapter 20
Critiqued by Erttheking

S: Did you hear me?! I didn’t lose! I DIDN’T!

N: Oh come on, he wiped the floor with you! One attack and you were down for the count!

S: He ran away like the coward that he was! If he had stayed longer, I would’ve recovered and turned the tables on him! He knew it!

C: We had to fucking drag you in here and put you back together! You’re talking out of your ass. You never stood a chance against-

S: NO! I NEVER LOSE!

N: Christ, it’s like talking to a child.

E: Still not coming out of his room?

C: No. And I don’t see what good barging in there would do.

E: Let’s just do the review for now. We’re almost done and we really should just get this over with. We can talk about him after. Read the rest of this entry »


891: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee – Chapter IX

 

 

Title: Samurai Jack Meets Jewel Lee
Author: HopelessRomanticArtist1990
Media: TV Show
Topic:  Samurai Jack
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter IX
Critiqued by Ghostcat (with special guest Ishi)

 

 

Hello, my darling Patrons!

:squints:

Wait, why does the “critiqued by” field say Ishi is here?

“Because I am.”

GAH!

:Ghostie falls off chair:

Frickin’ ninjas. Sensei, what are you doing here?

“The honorable liaison has tasked me with keeping an eye on you today. Shinobi-san fears a repeat of yesterday’s … incident.”

I said I was sorry. Who knew cellphones were so flammable?

“One does not normally place one’s handphone in the microwave, Ghostcat-sama.”

I couldn’t figure out how to change the ringtone. It irked me.

“Shinobi-san politely requests that you limit such activities to your own handphone in the future.”

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, there’s only a few chapters left in this fic, and I am still patiently waiting for something to happen.  The last chapter was big disappointment, with nothing but a passionless reunion between Man-Candy and Rosaline/Rosalina to show for it. Oh, and Luna got shit-faced at the bar. That’s pretty much everything.

On to the chapter!

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890: Quarter Quell Sequels – The End, Chapters 2, 3, 4, and 5

Title: Quarter Quell
Author: L.Q. Brooks
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Ice Age/Hunger Games/Underland Chronicles/Michael Vey/Percy Jackson and the Olympians/The Hobbit/???/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Family/Suspense
URL: The End: Chapter 2
URL: The End: Chapter 3
URL: The End: Chapter 4
URL: The End: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to this series.

*flops down on the couch*

Four chapters. Four chapters in one fucking installments. This is gonna be one hell of a doozy.

But fuck it, I can’t deal with this shitty story anymore. By now, I just want out. So if the story won’t let me out, I’m going to just bull rush through the end of it.

*claps hands together*

So let’s not waste any time, shall we? Let’s finish this sucker off!

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889: For Thee I give Mine Breath – Chapter Three

Title: For Thee I Give Mine Breath
Author:  Lord Asmodeus
Media: TV Show
Topic: Stargate SG-1 / ???
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL:  For Thee I Give Mine Breath
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome to the second half of the mind-bendingly pretentious Stargate SG-1 fic that has absolutely no Stargate, yet plenty of purple prose.

Last week stuff happened.  And by “stuff,” I of course mean “barely anything.”  Basically we got a heavy handed scene between two siblings who were arguing about the nature of man.  It was very “mouth of the author.”  Essentially it boiled down to the author’s very suspicious denial of philosophy being important.  Certainly it’s so unimportant that Asmod took the time to write an entire chapter about how unimportant it is.

I don’t think that’s even fooling one-cell organisms.

So the protagonist, whose name I can’t remember and it doesn’t matter anyway, spent most of the chapter being an unrepentant douchenozzle before the SDQF showed up and granted  him his wish to be erased from history.  Or, it might have been everyone else’s wish.  Hard to tell at this point.

And that was pretty much it.  1,200 words to do the same work as about 150 words.

Now, none of that really matters because the next, and also last, chapter has nothing at all to do with it. Read the rest of this entry »