529: My Immortal – Chapters Eight, Nine, and Ten

Title: My Immortal
Author: Tara (reposted by TheJadedDolphin)
Media: Book / Movie
Topic:  Harry Potter
Genre: Romance / angst
URL:  My Immortal – Chapters Eight, Nine, and Ten
Critiqued by Lyle

Warning: This fic contains subpar descriptions of sexual activity as well as copious references to suicide.  If you’re sensitive to either of these things, please skip my riff of My Immortal in its entirety.  Thanks!

Good morning, everyone!  (Although it is 4:30pm when I’m writing this, I like to be prepared.  It’s morning somewhere!!  I’ve also had a lot of caffeine today, so yay!!)  Aside from my caffeine-fueled enthusiasm, I have a special 3-chapter update for you guys, today!  Whoopie!  Chapter eight is so short that it’s hardly worth posting by itself so I figured I’d do chapter nine as well, and then threw on chapter ten as a bonus.  Aren’t you just tickled?!

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528: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 5 & 6

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: mostly Twilight
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING: CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT.

Hey there, Patrons. I’m trying to summon up some enthusiasm for today’s riff and so far it’s not happening. Let’s see how things go.

First up – the recap!

:sighs:

Do I gotta?

:whispering:

Fine! But have the ninjas bring me a Cheerwine. I need pure-cane-sugary goodness for this.

Let’s see… :flips through notes: It was revealed that Leslie, the bisexual werewolf whose appearance is only described as being big-bosomed and “fugly”, was using her inexplicable werewolf powers to make Lola fall in love with her – and wasn’t that working like a charm? – because she thought Lola was hot and there was something about Leslie hating Edward as well. Leslie came across Edward while he was hunting and attacked him, but failed to do anything to him. Edward ran off to tell Lola about the attack, why I have no idea, and found Lola draining the blood out of an emo of unknown sex. To distract Edward from her fantasies regarding Leslie (which he wouldn’t know about) and because she’s either a whore or horny (possibly both) Lola has sex with Edward. Afterwards Satan partially destroys Lola’s house, kills Leslie, and then Santa is banished to Hell by God. God tells the fornicators (and in Lola’s case, unrepentant murderer) to keep fighting Satan’s Satin Santa (or something like that) and then vanishes.

Sweet mercy, it sounds even crazier when you try to summarize it.

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527: If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say – Chapter Seven

Title: If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say
Author: onlykafei
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn Duology)
Genre: Romance/Angst
URL: If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say: Chapter 7
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello again ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another chapter of this stupid piece of ass. You’ll be glad to know that I was released out of the hospital just a couple of hours ago. They’ve told me to stay the hell away from alcohol for the next twenty-four hours, so I’ll be doing that.

As for my brain? Well, they tell me it’s okay to riff, so here we are.

Well, we’ve got a lot of shit to work through, but today we’re just slogging through the same old motions. Let’s continue, shall we? I am absolutely shivering in anticipation for what’s coming next.

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526: Call of evil life in hell – Chapter Four

Title: Call of evil life in hell
Author:
 Insane Doctor The Insane Shadow Hunter and JudgmentDragon25
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic:  As many video games as you can shake a stick at, and The Land Before Time
Genre: None listed, and really, it’s hard to categorize such fail
URL: Removed from FF.Net.
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, patrons!

This week, as promised, I’m going to touch on why, exactly, the SMC going to the Ishimura is absolutely the stupidest thing that’s happened in this fic.  If you don’t want to read a huge analytical rant, just skip down to the first blockquote, which is the title of chapter 4. Read the rest of this entry »


525: From Another World – Chapters 27 and 28

Title: From Another World
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Mass Effect / Parallel Realities
Genre: Supernatural/Romance/AU
URL: From Another World Chapter 27 and Chapter 28
Critiqued by Erttheking

OK apparently there was a bit of a screw up with the title of the last chapter, because we still have to work through the second half of chapter 27.  With that, let’s get to it.  When we left off, Shepard had just pulled off what I think may be the biggest Stu moment of the entire story and killed Kalros.  After that Uvenk shows up with some cronies

“My krant gave me strength beyond my genes,” Grunt replied, “which are damn good.”

“This will call discussion. I wonder… you say you are pure? No alien meddling in your construction? Just the warlord Okeer?”

“Come on, Uvenk,” Shepard asked in jest. “You want to try killing him? Give it your best shot, though that tasty Thresher Maw was just a warm-up compared to what he can do.”

Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me about your horror hunger Shepard.  Real nice flashbacks there.  Seriously, eat a double quarter pounder if you’re so damn hungry!  Or did the entire fast food industry collapse?

Ugh.  Thanks, now I’m hungry.  I’m calling out for food, where’s your wallet?

Under the counter.

I’ll turn the death lasers off. Read the rest of this entry »


524: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 3 & 4

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: mostly Twilight
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

WARNING: CONTAINS MALE GENITALIA AND OTHER MATURE CONTENT.

Welp, I’ve returned with another pair of chapters, dearest Patrons. If possible, they are even less coherent than the last two.

Despite the last riff containing two whole chapters, very little useful information could be gleaned from the mess other than the introduction of a few characters. There’s Lola, a Christian vampire and reluctant lesbian, (who  isn’t an author-insertion at all) and the stalkerpire Edward, who is nothing like the character by the same name in Twilight. Right. Edward spied on Lola while she slept and changed clothes, asked her (lovingly) if she would like to engage in carnal activities with him and then ran off to hunt for insects so he wouldn’t eat Lola’s dog. Meanwhile Lola got an IM from her girlfriend, a large-breasted bisexual werewolf named Leslie whom she finds repugnant in every way. I think that’s about it.

As you may have noticed in the last riff, this author’s spelling and grammar are abysmal. It gets even worse in these chapters. Let me show you.

K soo Leslie the wearwolf was in wolf mode running thru the wodds. her name is leslie b/c i cudnt think of anything ells that started with a L like LOLA and i can call her LES like lesbian lol. so anywayz she is a fugly bisexual bitch who has magic powers to make Lola the sexy vamp in love with her b/c she think Loola sexy and hatte Edward.

:THWACK!:

I’m pretty sure part of that is an Author’s Note. I know all of it is nonsense.

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523: If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say – Chapter Six

Title: If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say
Author: onlykafei
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn Duology)
Genre: Romance/Angst
URL: If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to this snarking of If You Don’t Have Something Nice to say. Last time, I spoiled the first sentence of this chapter because that is the part where this whole fic begins to unravel. I also mentioned that this was when the fic started jumping the shark.

Now, we return to the fic to look at the rest of Chapter 6. I think I’m going to need something a little stronger than sangria today, so…

*places three bottles of Bacardi Limón on the table*

My esophagus is never going to forgive me for this, but I don’t care.

Let’s get started.

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