Title: Andi Sekforde: The Cat Who Lost His Cool
Media: Shared RP Universe
Topic: Furry Basketball Association
Genre: Uh… Romance/Horror?
URL: Andi Sekforde: The Cat Who Lost His Cool Part I
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Heyo folks, and welcome to the Library once again. I’m your host, Herr Wozzeck, and here we are again with Lizzimba on the snarking block.
I know what some of you are saying: “Herr, it’s an FBA story, why are you snarking it?” Well, as far as the FBA went, I had an “FBA fics are off-limits” policy while I was there. So while I did that, I didn’t snark any of the stories, although by God did I want to snark at least some of the stories.
Well, I’m no longer part of the FBA as per one of its current contributors being allowed to be an arrogant bully (and before you ask: unbelievably, I’m not talking about Lizzimba in this case, and in fact the person I actually left over is someone that Lizzimba is actually more or less right about!), and as such… well, I figure it’s time for the gloves to come off, because Lizzimba isn’t the only person who produced bad FBA content. I’ll be getting to that later, but for now, you have no idea how much I wanted to snark this story, so I’m starting here. Because man, if you thought Whisker Wonka was bad, this is somehow even worse, and without the shitty art!
And don’t worry, I do plan on providing a few SC-style infodumps along the way, because you guys will need them: now we’re getting into proper FBA canon!
So let’s get started!
Warning: NSFW due to poorly written sexy times
Hello, my lovelies. Today, I’m doing something really dangerous. I’m riffing an active fic. That’s right. As of snagging this fic from ff.net, the last update was on July 18th, 2018. In fact, when I grabbed it, the most recent chapter had been up for a whopping 4 hours.
Normally, I pick a fic that’s a bit older. It’s had time to ruminate in the first stomach of the bovine that is the interwebs. It’s ripe and stinky and has been molding like a fine cheese. This time, however, when I went to ff.net with the intent of finding some good Underworld fics to read (don’t judge me!) and this one was at the very top of the list when I applied my filters*.
*English language and all ratings, if you must know. I wasn’t looking for anything specific.
Since I was looking for a fic to read for pleasure, I just started at the top. One look at the summary and I knew I’d found my next Library project.
Lovelies, I present to you “Hybrid of the Underworld.”
You guys ready for this?
Welcome to ZERO HOUR, because apparently I like fics with all caps titles. ZH hails from the confusing “crossover” section of ff.net. As you’ve probably noticed from the stats up there, it is a crossover of Underworld, Terminator, and, I shit you not, That 70’s Show. I’ll do a very brief SC-Style Infodump for you guys before we dive in.
I’ve covered Underworld on here before but it was a few years ago. Underworld is a supernatural vampire/werewolf franchise starring Kate Beckinsale and Kate Beckinsale’s bustier. It’s about vampires and werewolves that are trying to kill each other due to old feuds. Then a hybrid of the two species is created, more shit hits more fans, and we get a few sequels and a prequel. I might seem a little derisive, but I actually really like the Underworld series. The most you really need to know is that it’s about sexy vampires and sexy werewolves having sexy-times and fighting each other.
Terminator, for those living under a rock, is a franchise about robots known as terminators being sent through time to kill off the ancestors of the people who will eventually defeat the sentient robot overlords that tried to destroy humanity. The first ones star the former governor of California, hence why everyone called him The Governator when he was in office. I don’t know much about the rest of the movies or the shows that have spun off it, but it’s all about the same general idea. Skynet wants to take over the world and kill off all the humans. Humans don’t want this to happen. A few terminators get their wires crossed and want to help humanity. The Conner family is important.
Now, a crossover of Terminator and Underworld isn’t very far fetched. If Skynet can send a robot back in time, why not into another dimension or reality? Where this story gets weird is the inclusion of That 70’s Show.
T70S was a prime-time sitcom about a group of high school aged kids in the 1970’s, and the shenanigans they get into during the course of their young lives. It has absolutely nothing to do with either of the incredibly dark themes of the other source materials. It’s the show that started the careers of Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and Laura Prepon.
This particular story caught my eye not only because it was the only Underworld/T70S crossover on FF.net, but also because the summary is as batshit as the premise.
Let’s do this thing.
Hello, lovelies! As promised, Lina is getting today off. Koori is busy trying to teach the honey badger that lives under my desk… something. I’m honestly not sure what she’s trying to teach it. Knowing her, it’s best not to ask. I’m sure it’s ridiculous, and that she will succeed.
Now, onto today’s recap and riff. Last time on PB:LiW, Fauna twirled her mustache some more, Humperdumb had to pee, and Fauna proved, yet again, that she has the common sense of an inebriated wildebeest. We left off with her spying on servants that were moving the infamous pink and blue dresses into the bridal suite.
Title: Zelda Erotica: The Pegging Princess
Author: The Masked Sage
Media: Video Game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat with special guest Syl
—THIS FIC IS NSFW/NSFC—
—I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THE TITLE—
Hello, dear Patrons!
This little oneshot is (superficially) from the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild universe, but it’s … Not exactly canon-friendly.
“So says you. Who knows what Little Miss Princess gets up to in her spare time?”
You all know Syl, of course.
:Syl winks at the Patrons:
Charming. Let’s begin with the summary, shall we?
“As long as we get to the good stuff soon, dumpling.”
Don’t worry. This fic is exactly what it says on the tin. The author has a whole collection of these fics.
With Calamity Ganon sealed, Zelda and Link allow their love to grow. After returning from an expedition, Zelda can’t wait to show Link her newest Sheikah invention: intimacy technology.
I know the Sheikah were clever and had loads of gadgets, but “intimacy technology”? What does that even mean?
“Bet you a nickel Link fucks a Guardian.”
That’s not a bet I’d want to win. Or even contemplate.
(This story is considered Zelda erotica, and it contains adult themes and content. Critiques RE the style and storytelling are encouraged, so please leave your detailed suggestions/solutions in the reviews.)
:static-filled burst of hoots and whistles:
What was that?
“I’m Skyping with the other Sisters of Sin. They didn’t want to miss Gumdrop’s Thai cooking class.”
Dammit! That was today?
“Don’t worry, Glasses says she can save you some basil chicken.”
Easy on the archeopteryx, please.