Hey, folks! Welcome back to Adopted! Another Raptor and I clone that’s not even trying to pretend it isn’t a Raptor and I clone!
“Hopefully this week we will get to see more raptors.”
Even if we do, I’m not so sure they count as raptors.
“Last time we got introduced to our new Rae! This model of Rae is referred to as Anna and is the kennel help variety as opposed as the original botany flavor. The first thing Anna does when arriving in the island is ignore everyone and then notice the dinosaurs. After that, we went over to the newest model of Sorin called Fitzroy. He banters with his sister over dinner, complains about the parental pressure to marry, and then makes a bet with his sister over that involves sexually assaulting Nedry as the stakes.”
You make it sound so good.
This week opens with the now standard author’s note featuring her copy-pasted disclaimer and a gaggle of responses to her reviews. We’re just going to skip all-
Title: Unknown Origins
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Adventure and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie
For swearing, nudity, sex, blood, and violence. Hey, it’s Vegas, baby.
And drugs and alcohol. Thanks Cyber.
Hey, I’m Angie. And…after I got in touch with Cyberweasel on Fanfiction, she informed me that she liked my riffs and was wondering if I was willing to review what she considered to be her worst. So I went onto the Suggestion Box page. Scrolled to the bottom. And I clicked on the link.
*takes a shaky breath in* I also read the reviews. “The character has a severe case of Mary Sue, anime influenced or not.” “I stopped reading after the 1st scene. Way to unbelievable for me. Way to different than I remember from the game.” “Instead, she comes off as a two-dimensional, annoying idiot.”
I don’t want to read this. I really don’t. I don’t know shit about Fallout. I shouldn’t have to read this.
*sighs* Let’s take a look at Unknown Origins.
Hey guys, welcome back to Wednesday! Now that we’ve finally put Heroes and Villains behind us, it’s time for a month or so of palate cleansers. You know what that means: One-sho-
*Eliza slips into the room holding a fic in her talons. It’s bound in heavy chains with a plethora of locks holding them fast.*
No. Put that away. I’m not going to do that one.
“But you promised everyone. It’s been enough time, Taco, you have to do it.”
But, those fics are so bad, I don’t wanna!
“I’ll help if you like. I do have some insight into this particular set of fics.”
No! Go get something else.
“You can have this Caramel Macchiato I picked up from Lina’s.” *Eliza holds out a Suddenly There™ cup of coffee.*
*Taco eyes up the coffee*
Fine, you win. Pop it on the screen and let’s do this thing. Patrons, this week we have for you Adopted, one of the many fics directly inspired by Raptor and I. For those of you who have been here a while, or have read through our massive archive of riffs-
“Or have read the minions page.”
Yes, or that. Anyway, those of you who’ve done one of those will recognize that fic as the one Eliza was rescued from.
“The same one you tried to put me back into.”
It’s been over three years, let it go.
Title: Brego’s Mistress
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by Angie
*mumbling* Something something Brego’s Mistress something something Léofe something something. Let’s read.
—WARNING: CONTAINS POSSIBLE TRIGGER MATERIAL—
—AND WAY TOO MANY BAD TOUCHES—
Hello, dear Patrons!
Are you ready for another chapter of softcore Slendtai?
“But Ghostie!” You may be thinking to yourself, “I thought you finished The Slender Man Romance fic already?”
Why, yes I did, hypothetical Patron – but this is the Intertubez! There’s so much more out there.
So, so much more. Also fanart. :shudders: Do not look for the fanart without Safe Search on.
Any-hoo, this is a new “Romance” fic featuring The Slender Man. Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
Jayde is visited by the Slenderman. What does he want? Light and Dark Version to this. Two-Shot. Previously known as His Mate: Part 1.
Already I can tell a few things about this fic; the character with the Special Name Spelling is probably the Sue and – based on the fic’s current and previous titles – is going to wind up being The Slender Man’s lover. I did take a look at the author’s other fics and could not fine the second part of this two-shot. The fic is over four years old so it is possible it has never been written.
Let’s get to the fic!
Read the rest of this entry »
Hello my lovelies!
I’ve decided to do a rotating update schedule for a little bit, to break up the pure insanity that is “Betrayal.” One can only take so much of that sort of stupid before one’s eyes go crossed. So, to break it up, I’m going to introduce you to “THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING,” a fic which is apparently yelling at us from the get go.
A quick glance at the profile shows that the author is fully capable of not using all-caps to type out fic titles, so I have no idea why they chose to do it this time. If you’d like to take a peek at the profile, be ready for the pretentious ramblings of a supposedly late-30’s obsessive Fright Night fan. Twenty-three of their twenty-four fics are Fright Night. The twenty-fourth you will be reading shortly.
Now, before we begin, I would like to say that this is a hell of a lot easier to read than “Betrayal.” That doesn’t make it better; it’s just bad in different ways. It contains questionable grammar choices and a character that made my Sue-dar buzz before I even finished reading the summary.
Before we begin, I’ll give a brief, spoiler-ridden summary of “The Princess Bride,” for anyone living under a rock these last 30 years. (And yes, Taco, this is all your fault for selecting the novel “The Princess Bride” for our family book club. I’ve just finished it and it made me realize we have not yet touched this fandom in our Library.)
Anyway, the book varies a bit from the movie but, as the author of the book also wrote the screen play, it stays relatively true to the source material. But there are a couple little differences. Given that this fic takes place in the movie-verse, I’m not going to bother pointing out variations between the book and movie. I’ll just go strictly by what happens in the movie. And that is, essentially, this:
Jenny from Forest Gump falls in love with Robin Hood, who is killed off screen. She then has to marry the voice of Jack Skellington because he’s the prince and she’s supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The prince, however, is a giant douche-hat, and hires Rex, the dinosaur from Toy Story, to kidnap and kill her, all while framing their neighboring country so they can have a nice war. Rex uses a pro-wrestler and a young Jason Gideon from Criminal Minds to accomplish this. Rhyming ensues. Then Robin Hood shows up out of nowhere because he’s not dead, he’s a pirate! He defeats Jason and the pro-wrestler but leaves them alive, then kills Rex in a match of wits that was really cheating because “Oh, I’m immune to poison LOL!” Jenny finds out who Robin Hood really is, they get kissy, then they run into a swamp to avoid the voice of Jack Skellington. In the swamp, Jenny nearly gets them both killed because useless, then a small guy in a rat suit tries to eat Robin Hood, they escape the swamp, get captured by the voice of Jack Skellington, Jenny tries to bargain for Robin Hood’s life, gets fooled because still useless, and Robin Hood ends up being the play thing of a guy who seems to be best known for impersonating a member of Spinal Tap named Nigel. Robin Hood gets killed by a machine created by Fake!Nigel, Jenny and the voice of Jack Skellington get married, and the pro-wrestler and Jason Gideon take Robin Hood’s body to Billy Crystal and his wife (Not.a.Witch) in order to bring him back to life. The 3 now-allies storm the castle by lighting the pro-wrestler on fire while he’s in a wheelbarrow (this totally works). Jason Gideon kills Fake!Nigel in revenge for Fake!Nigel killing Jason Gideon Senior, Robin Hood saves Jenny, and the pro-wrestler finds some horses they can all ride away on. The voice of Jack Skellington is, as of the end of the movie, tied to a chair, left to live knowing he was defeated by Robin Hood and his merry men.
Oh, and the whole thing is actually being read to the kid from The Wonder Years by his grandfather, Columbo.
Got it? Okay, let’s go!
Title: The Girl
Topic: The Outsiders
URL: Chapter Ten
Critiqued by Angie and Hiraani
Warning: The Girl is best consumed through your veins. Yes, inject those Socs and Greasers that probably won’t be there. Good. Goooood.
In just a few chapters, we’ll be halfway through this fic. It’s not a huge accomplishment, but it feels good. It feels nice.
So without further ado, let’s dive into….