2236: A Thorned Rose (re-write) – Chapters 8 and 9

Title: A Thorned Rose (re-write)
Author:  Mercs2Girl
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mercenaries Franchise
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapters Eight and Nine
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

*returns to the reading room, clad once again in my Mandalorian armor, dragging a sealed steel container behind me*

Hello, fellow patrons. I’m ME-Iron-Maiden and I am happy to present to you the long-awaited finale of “A Thorned Rose”.

*waits for the groans to die down*

Today we are plowing the rest of this pile of shit. Remember my Badfic Theorem: there’s a reason why I postulated it. Shit gets even dumber and the pacing skips ludicrous speed, instead going straight to plaid.

*checks my equipment, my usual blasters and Stoklhi Spray Stick ready to go plus one addition*

Since spray stick charges are expensive as hell, I’ve decided to cross franchises and added an Omni-Tool to my loadout. Specifically, I’m going to be using Neural Shock for instances where the Spray Stick or me simply beating the crap out of things isn’t appropriate.

Now I apologize for the extreme delay in getting this riff finished. Working 50 hours per week in a steel stamping and welding shop combined with a bunch of random family shit conspired to keep me from getting anything written. That and this fic is a combination of stupid, bland, and rushed such that I’m having a difficult time being clever and witty. But since winning my first ever Sucktastic Award for my second ever riff to appear in the Library, I’m obliged to see this through, even if I have to revert to simply being pissed off. I may have to channel my inner Sith Lord to get through this.

You all will be happy to note that I will NOT be riffing the remainder of this series of badfics; you will see why as we progress.

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2233: Voice Above, Sky Within – Chapter 2

Author: commandork lexi
Media: Video Game
Topic:  The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the second (and last) chapter of this fic! I’m tempted to call it the first chapter, since the actual first chapter was little more than several repetitive character descriptions of the same two Sues. On that note, I’m not really going to bother summarizing the chapter so just know that there are two Sues in this fic; the Paragon version, Caelia, and the Renegade version, Azrael.

 

Onward to the fic!

 

Title: Voice Above, Sky Within

Rating: T

Pairings: F/F, Caeila/Lydia, Caeila/Aela, Azrael/Astrid, Azrael/Vex, Azrael/Sapphire, Iona/Vex

Which begins with another little title card and another list of characters that are going to get smashed together. I think it’s fairly telling that they are mostly are just one of the Sues paired with what I assume to be one of the author’s favorite female characters from the game. It makes me think that these two are characters from save files the author is using as SI Sues to hook up with their preferred characters.

Summary: Helgen was never the beginning. Before they became Dovahkiin, Caeila and Azrael spent most of their time in Skyrim as a part of a bandit group living in the forests surrounding Helgen.

Huh. There’s another summary, which I assume is the summary of this chapter.  I’m not sure why the bandits are based around Helgen, though. The Dragonborn gets arrested near the border – according to the Internet, the Imperial ambush is near Darkwater Crossing, in the hold of Eastmarch. That really doesn’t make sense to me since Darkwater is quite a ways from the border, but there is an Imperial camp near the border a short distance away so it isn’t too far-fetched.

;

Hello, misplaced punctuation, my old friend…

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2228: Voice Above, Sky Within – Chapter 1

 

Author: commandork lexi
Media: Video Game
Topic:  The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons! Now that it’s a new year, I can bring out another Skyrim fic without feeling like I’m driving the source materials into the ground.

I can’t help it. I love a good work of fiction with deep lore that also lets me shoot frost trolls repeatedly in the face with arrows. Any-hoo, let’s take a look at the summary and I’ll show you what attracted my attention to this fic.

Caeila grew up a warrior, a prodigy, a blue-blooded noblewoman destined for greatness (yet she only wanted freedom). Azrael was a troublemaker, a bastard, a reject of society on a downwards spiral (yet she only wanted redemption). It was the Imperial City that brought them together, but it is Helgen that keeps them inseperable. (Two Dragonborns, Femslash)

So this fic is going to feature not one, but what appears to be two special little snowflakes that have a lot of potential to be Sues. A Dragonborn (or dovahkiin) is a mortal born with the soul of a dragon; something so rare that prior to the events of Skyrim, there had been no known dovahkiin for centuries. The Elder Scrolls wiki only lists a handful of known dovahkiin – but also includes the entire Septim lineage, which I take issue with since the ability to be a dovahkiin does not appear to be an inherited trait but spontaneously occurs in the population. Having two dovahkiin appear in the same location at the same time is akin to having a unicorn crap out a leprechaun; a fantastical feat of luck that perplexes the hell out of you. It makes me wonder if the author wanted to have a character that was both a high-born aristocrat and a low-born thief but couldn’t figure out how to give one character two Tragek Backstories so they had to divide them into two characters. And possibly will have them make out with each other, which sounds a bit weird now.

Now, on to the fic!

Title: Voice Above, Sky Within

Rating: T

Which starts off with another title bit. Yay.

Pairings: F/F, Caeila/Lydia, Caeila/Aela, Azrael/Astrid, Azrael/Vex, Azrael/Sapphire, Iona/Vex

And has a long list of many female characters that will eventually hook up, like all good works of fiction. Wouldn’t Pride & Prejudice be a much better book if you knew in advance who was going to end up together at the beginning?

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2226: A Haunting in Midgar Auld Lang Syne – Oneshot

Title: A Haunting in Midgar Auld Lang Syne
Author: mizperceived
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Romance/Humor/Holiday
URL: A Haunting in Midgar Auld Lang Syne
Critiqued by TacoMagic

*Taco pulls himself up off the floor of the riffing chamber into his chair.  After brushing bits of confetti and food off his face and out of his hair, he pulls up to the console and starts typing*

Ugh, hey patrons, anyone get the number of that party that hit me?  That’s the last time I let the celebration committee put Syl in charge of the beverages.

Anyway, I know I threatened promised to get back to True Force this week, but, since we’re now celebrating a brand new year, I figured I would end the holiday season with a Final Fantasy VII New Year’s celebration fic!

I’m so, so sorry.

Let’s see what we’re in for!

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2224: Howl – Chapter 5

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 59

On the Eleventh Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Eleven dooters dooting,
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Dakwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Twelfth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Twelve ninjas buttering,
Eleven dooters dooting,
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the final installment of Howl! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Author’s Note: Finally back with another installment.

We noticed.

However, I am sorry it is so short!

We’re not.

School is pretty much just kicking my butt right now, along with some changes at work and stuff.

Don’t care.

I will keep working on it though.

Obviously not.

Thank you so much for all the support and I hope you enjoy this latest part!

We won’t.

GoodJamags: Line break!

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2223: The Ron-troversy – Oneshot

 

Author: gryffindorlovesslytherin
Media: Book/Movie
Topic:  Harry Potter series
Genre: Romance/Mystery
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

—WARNING—

—CONTAINS ADULT THEMES —

—NSFW—

 

Good now, dear Patrons!

As a nice change of pace from all the Christmas-themed fics I’ve been dumping down the shoot, this one is New Year’s Eve themed, and it happens to come from the Harry Potter section. Now, there is usually quite a lot of Christmas themed fics – many featuring the series’ Yule Ball – for this source material but there weren’t all that many that were New Year’s themed. I’m not really sure why that would be.

Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

its new years eve and who knows what will kick off the new year…

Presumably it will be the forward progression of time, but I have a feeling that isn’t what the author meant.

The last Harry Potter book never tells us, the readers, what the fate of the characters are.

No, it kind of does. It doesn’t really go into a lot of detail, but you get some hints.

I guess everyone believes that Harry and Ginny get married,

Because they do.

and Ron and Hermione get married,

Also because they do. I mean, I assume so. Each couple shows up at the train station with their children so presumably they got married at some point before then. I guess it is possible that they are all living in sin, though.

but you would be wrong.

Living in sin it is, then. Maybe I should add a disclaimer to the riff; wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

Hermione left Ron’s sorry ass and I am here to tell the story.

I seriously doubt that, but go ahead; amuse me.

My name is Luna Lovegood.

Bwa? The narrator counted themselves as part of the audience – they specifically say “us, the readers” – in the same paragraph, which means they couldn’t be Luna. The books aren’t written as journals or personal narratives, but from a third-person perspective. They don’t exist in the in-book universe. I had actually assumed this was an unlabeled Author’s Note until Luna gave her name. Read the rest of this entry »


2220: Howl – Chapter 4

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 44

On the Ninth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Tenth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarniting idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with more of this festive Christmas romp! Last time, Hans called his brother and busted the hacker guy out of jail. This took far more wordcount than necessary.

GoodJamags: Let’s dive on in!

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