2039: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 3 Part Two

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to yet more of Friendship is That One Thing We Are No Longer Allowed to Consider: The Covenant War.

Previously, the UNSC forces drove through the Everfree Forest to Ponyville at a sedate walking pace, allowing something that I think was supposed to be character bonding to occur between RAINBOW DASH, FFFFFluttershy, and some nameless ODST with a pegasus unit insignia. The humans arrived just in time to sneer at the Ponyville fortifications that somehow suddenly exist after like only two days since the Covenant landed, and… that was actually about it.

Despite most of the (half) chapter taking place in the incredibly dangerous, utterly bizarre Everfree Forest, yeah, nothing happened. They could have met on the steps of Canterlot Castle for all the perceived danger there was.

Typically when fanthors realize midway through a project that they have no idea what is actually supposed to happen the chapters get incredibly short and frenetic, but just like in his last ‘fic Dragonfang seems to be trying to cover up his utter lack of direction with endless padding instead.

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2033: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 3 Part One

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Friendship is Apparently Not In Fact Magic: The Covenant War.

Last time we were treated to a surprising amount of fuck all as the Battle Of Equestria raged in the background and Thel Va(n)damee sat around Covenant-occupied Manehattan angsting about war being hell (or, for him, war being mildly uncomfortable).

The ashes of the pony corpses were wreaking havoc on his thick coating of white foundation.

Meanwhile, the Mane Six dicked around in the general vicinity of Admiral Antivirus’s ship in the Everfree and finally made contact. Which required them to be blindfolded for some reason because apparently Admiral Antivirus is the LORD thy GOD or something and it is unsafe to look at him directly. We also got introduced to the rest of the UNSC command staff, namely Captain Ryan (who has an eyepatch and cybernetic arm because EDGE), Spartan Alex-201 (aka Spartan Red-and-Black, aka Edgelord Junior), and finally the chief NCO of the Marine and ODST complement… shit, what was his name?

Rhodes?

Yeah, and… wait, what was his title?

Staff… sergeant? Or was he a gunnery sergeant?

Yeah. That guy. Sergeant Rhodes. He was… forgettable.

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2027: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War — Chapter 2

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Friendship is Magic: the Covenant War.

Oh, lovely.

Previously we were introduced to the feared Sangheili Warrior Arbiter Naym ‘Lessocee (who is Thel ‘Va(n)damee’s semi-estranged brother because who needs to understand Sangheili culture when you can have cheap angst!).

Who needs to understand any cultures involved here when you can stir up bullshit dramatic tension?

Anyway, the two Super Covenant Bros managed to get their carrier Fist of Enlightenment severely damaged in an ambush with the UNSC Midway and its gallant commander, Admiral McAffee Antivirus Software, and make an emergency landing on a regular terrestrial planet

-You mean crash their damn carrier on a regular terrestrial planet-

that is somehow also the magical world of Equestria.

Princess Celestia decided to personally lead the peaceful first contact delegation, and for all intents and purposes got killed offscreen in the first few paragraphs.

And given what all is surrounding the nation of Equestria, the ponies have no reason to believe anything new is friendly. At least a first. And ol’ Sunbutt was killed in the narrative, just in the stupidest and most anticlimactic way possible.

Sadly no amount of proper caution would have saved them from Covenant omnicide here, because Dragonfang33 appears to have completely forgotten that the pony military, despite being equipped with relatively primitive bows and spears, is also capable of, you know, casting magic. That thing that’s in the subtitle of the show?

Yeah, apparently this is actually a crossover that earlier, less successful cartoon about varicolored talking horses, My Little Pony: Friendship Is.

Anyway, after that Luna got promoted to Queen, Shining Armor got promoted to Commander of the Equestrian Army after some random assclown named Leonegihus got himself and his forces wiped out, Admiral Antivirus landed his ship in the Everfree Forest, and the Mane Six got sent to investigate.

Oh yeah and Derpy is Rainbow Dash’s sister for some fucking reason.

I get the feeling a fucking reason is exactly why a lot of these changes were made, seeing as Dragonfang made sure to mention that there are exactly six Spartans onboard the Midway.

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2021: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War — Chapter 1

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to Friendship is Magic: The Covenant War. As the title implies we are once again examining the wonderful and often horrifying world of the My Little Pony fandom, so that means I will of course be joined by my indefatigable colleague Serketry.

About damn ti- oh, I mean, glad to be back!

Today we’ve got another offering by our dear friend dragonfang33 of Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I ‘fame’, picked out from within his long list of Sailor Moon and Kim Possible crossovers that I’m not going to touch because I don’t think I would ever stop feeling unclean if I did.

Summary: Friendship is Magic/HALO Crossover:

Oh. Goody.

Actually, I think that crossover could possibly work.

That is, if you find some way around the fact that one is a relatively hard-sci-fi military shooter and one is a kind of gilded-age-meets-D&D-meets-modern-day adventure fantasy show which oh by the way prominently features varicolored talking horses, of course.

Albeit a fantasy show nominated for a Sci-Fi award.

But yeah, both series have a very bright and upbeat tone despite the worlds they are set in actually being pretty grim, both heavily feature exploration of weird and often hostile uncharted territories to drive a lot of their conflict, both like to dabble in horror and drama but in a very self-aware this-is-what-the-refrance sort of way, and both I have to say are excellent role models for young girls.

Online multiplayer aside, of course.

And of course there is that bit about the VARICOLORED TALKING HORSES to deal with…

… but overall yeah I’m not seeing much of a difference.

Prepare to be disappointed.

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1905: better season 5 end — Infodump and Part 1

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons!

Lone Wolf is really starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth as I ponder more and more the question of its author’s relationship with objective reality, so I’ve decided to reenlist Serketry, my companion in all things My Little Pony, to wade through the seedy underbelly of bronydom that is fimfiction.net and see what I could find.

Howdy, everyone, glad to be back! Uh, well, I was, before I learned what we’d be… reviewing…

Namely that what I could find, as it turned out, was a ‘fic called “better season 5 end”[sic] by someone or something called iamli3.

Which, oddly enough, we reviewed the same weekend the Season 7 finale came out.

season 5’s ending was bad , i made it better….

What.

Calm down, I’m assuming he just was unable to properly type ‘season 5’s ending was badass’.

But I’m pretty sure the only way the My Little Pony Season 5 finale could be made better is if Ronnie James Dio and Till Linderman descended bodily from their blazing thrones atop the highest summit of Metal Heaven in a flying golden battleship piloted by Dog-Tier Jade Harley to anoint it with the tears shed by Wikus Van Der Merwe in the penultimate scene of District 9.

Or if it had Dragonlord Ember in it, because come on.

 

4/10, needed more Discord

 

Or DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Sie ist die hellste Stern von allen… wird sie nicht von Himmel fallen?

Because everything’s better with DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Including DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR herself.

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Hell, the episode even included an implied DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR when she hadn’t even been seen yet. But now we’re entering pure speculation.

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1882: Suicidal Nightmare– Crappy Pasta

Title: Suicidal Nightmare
Author: CreepyPastaPrincessLuna
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
Genre: Dark, Slice-Of-Life, and Other (it’s really just a creepypasta)
URL: Suicidal Nightmare
Critiqued by:
AdmiralSakai and Nina

WARNING

In case you couldn’t figure it out from the goddamn title, the pasta being riffed today contains potential flamebait in the form of a very strange handling of suicide. It’s not on the level of, say, a certain infamous Spongebob Squarepants ‘pasta previously riffed here, but exercise caution in the comments regardless. Also, expect the usual spoopy staples of random gore and character torture.

Hello hello all you patrons! Grab a heaping helping of cat brains and submit any roasted-fetus complaints to the Bureau of Demonic Affairs, because it’s time once again for…

spoop4

Roll it!”

Wait, no, that can’t be right!”

Ooooooooooh, yes it can!

What do you get when you combine the circle-jerking groupthink of the Creepypasta Wiki with the “anything goes” quality standards of fimfiction.net?

Why, ponypasta, of course!

Because nothing chills the blood like a show about magical talking horses who learn lessons about friendship, amiright?

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1764: Fall to Equestria – Chapter Fifteen (But really Chapter Thirteen)

Title: Fall to Equestria
Author: doomboom1234
Media: Television/Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: FIM
Genre: Sex/Comedy/Human/Random/Romance
URL:  Chapter Fifteen Thirteen
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

-WARNING-

Beware, for here be dragons. Or at least more hardcore pony porn.

Hello hello all you patrons!

Welcome back to Fall to Equestria, ruining awesome characters since late 2012.

Last time our plucky protagonist Loser Martin was captured by the Changelings, promptly escaped through a method so stupid and thermodynamically dubious that I refuse to even recap it, and then immediately turned himself in again. This led to fortunately unconsummated sexytimes with Queen Chrysalis, who apparently was not evil at all and just misunderstood (needing a whole three sentences from the Stu to devolve into a sobbing wreck). Then Princess Celestia showed up and did the first sensible thing in the ‘fic, namely magic-blasting Loser Martin to within an inch of his life while trying to shoot the Queen.

With his miraculous Stu powers he somehow survived the blast. Well, he’s bleeding out, but considering that that Celestia was trying to kill Chrysalis and we’ve seen her literally blast enemies apart, Loser should be chunky salsa by now.

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