LotD: Lost chapter of Blood of Ancients.
Forward by Taco: I did my best to exaggerate CAM’s style and come up with something that was so outrageously bad, we could take humor in it. I think I only partially succeeded in this as going back and reading it was part funny and part painful. It’s fairly long, as there were three plot lines that had to be finished up, but the chapter is still a far cry shorter than the other two written by CAM. If it starts getting too painful to read, I suggest stopping. I think I captured the essence of CAM a little too accurately when writing this. Characters of Falcon, Cam, Steven, Wolf, and Kamots are all Copyright of CAM, not that anyone would ever want to steal them. All other characters are Copyright of SquareEnix.
Blood of Ancients: Chapter 3 – Falcon’s Talons
“My special power is more powerful than yours. The Blood of Ancients is also mine to weld!”
Title: Music Child
Media: Book and/or Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Adventure/Humor is what it’s listed as…
URL: Music Child: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Lyle
Chapter Eight – I push Lavender and Parvati off my bed
Oh, hi there. I didn’t see you at first. You want to delve further in? Are… are you sure? Really? *eyes shift side to the side for a moment as if looking for an escape route* O… okay then. Before we begin I need you to sign this waiver, though, releasing me from any brain damage you may receive when your head repeatedly hits your desk.
*shuffles the papers into a pile* Looks like that’s all in order then.
[Welcome back to the Sunday Special! Enjoy this riveting chapter of craptastic literature! Oh, yeah… also be forewarned: This chapter contains possibly the most hilariously mis-led sex scene ever written. *giggles at the ridiculous penis pseudonyms* -Lyle]
Title: Forbiden Fruit: the tempation of Edward Cullen
URL: Forbidden Fruit
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Chapter 7 – Surprises!
Okay, so you know how I’ve said that this story gets progressively worse? This chapter marks the point where the author gives up any semblance of caring and just starts making random shit up. Enjoy!
Antimony wakes up “sheepishly” at home the morning after her romp in the woods with Ewdard, where you will remember that she became a vampire and popped Uncle Larry’s head off like a toddler with her sister’s Barbie doll. At first she thinks the entire episode is a dream (I wish) and heads downstairs for breakfast, where her foster parents smile at her adoringly. Her foster mother then tells Amazonia that she loves her new contacts and hair style and that, if possible, she looks even more beautiful than ever.
Title: Its my fault
Topic: Warehouse 13
Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort (Fancy way of saying Angst?)
URL: Its my fault
Critiqued by Indy
This week we’re taking a break from Dawn and Sayid. Yeah, I know you’re terribly disappointed. Instead we’re going to join the cast of Warehouse 13, who I just love so much. I just want to cuddle them and hug them and, ah, yeah let’s not talk about me anymore. Let’s talk about this turd I came across the other day while cruising for some steamy femslash (rawrrrrr). Um, yeah, forget I just said anything about femslash.
Anyway, the premise of this story is that one of the artifacts the gang was after blew up and everyone except Pete was injured. I guess Claudia, the resident geek girl, is now invisible. Sounds like it might be interesting stuff, right? Well, the poor author has a fear of grammar and punctuation, so things didn’t go so well in this fic. It’s called “Its my fault” and it was penned by weather96. And yes, the lack of periods is her fault.
Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Media: Video game
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Ghostcat
You know how there is a point in every really bad fanfic where it looks like the author simply stopped caring and just started throwing random things together like a blind man trying to make an omelet? When the flickering, frail moth of a plot finally meets the merciless blowtorch of talentlessness, leaving the reader with only a few charred leg segments of comprehension?
While it may seem that there were many, many such points in previous chapters, this is the one. The ultimate. This chapter marks the point where common sense dies and all hope of salvaging a coherent story from the sucking morass of failure is doomed. With these paragraphs, it becomes a rocket-sled shooting down a glass hill on skids made of butter.
Sounds like fun!
Title: The Golden Girls Play Grand Theft Auto IV Online
Media: Television /Video Game
Topic: The Golden Girls / Grand Theft Auto IV / Cross-Over
URL: The Golden Girls Play Grand Theft Auto IV Online
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian
Found by LurkRealClose
(For those unfamiliar with the Golden Girls, see this link for your enlightenment: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088526/ )
As you sit at home today, I bet you feel like something’s missing. You may even be saying to your life sized cut out of Bea Arthur “why don’t the Golden Girls ever play violent video games in the old episodes?” Well this fan fic has finally got that covered. So cuddle up to Bea and read:
The Golden Girls Play Grand Theft Auto IV Online
Title: Blood of Ancients
Media: Video game
Topic: Final Fantasy 7
Genre: It has no listed genre
URL: Blood of Ancients: Chapter Two, Part Three
Critiqued by TacoMagic
Finally we come to the “last” installment of Blood of Ancients. To figure out why I put that word in quotes, stay tuned until the end of our program.
Last time, our two protagonists acted like morons. You want more than that? Fine. Falcon got shot by the best-aimed artillery ever created and then saved himself by grabbing the most conveniently placed rope in the history of contrived plot devices. Meanwhile Wolf, in an effort to save his airs of mystique, got into a fight with Barret. During the course of this fight some random guards shoot Wolf, who then transforms into Sephiroth.
Happy? Didn’t think so.