2147: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 374 Through Epilogues (Yes There Are Multiple Epilogues)

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back for the final time to Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue, which whether it in fact is a porno or is not a porno will still be ending today!

Last time we were treated to a vision (what else!) showing a young Lil Yachty Hookworm and his creepy be-fedora’d nutcase of a dad giving him a medallion with the Magical Mystery Crystals in it as a birthday present and subsequently running afoul of a rather pudgy, ill-defined Clockwerk. Clockwerk wanted to know where Dad Cooper was and Dad Lupus wouldn’t tell him, so Clockwerk killed Dad Lupus in front of his son and then Dad Cooper tried to adopt him but was also killed. Q-Tip Henipavirus then grew up and chased after Clockwerk himself, but discovered the bird was already dead, and in a fit of Edge over having had his kill stolen chucked his medallion into the lava of Clockwerk’s volcano and caused the Magical Mystery Crystals to somehow transmute into their current giant forms. Except he also says he doesn’t care about the whole kill-stealing thing and just wants to take over the world. So there was no point to any of that.

Back in the present Interpol was gearing up for a full-scale assault on Future Oesophagostomum’s castle, using the green Magical Mystery Crystal as bait. Fox Obnoxious, however, showed up and deliberately got himself captured, then used the crystal to mind-control Director Torus into making vague threats and recorded him doing so. Travis Scott Xuan Son Virus then showed up in person to recover the recording (which he believes will somehow cause the entire geopolitical order to collapse if released) and straight-up kill a bunch of Torus’s men. Torus and Ice Ice Baby then gave chase in a helicopter.

Also a character named “Sly Cooper” may occasionally have appeared and taken a peripheral role in observing the above happenings, but he wasn’t particularly important. We left off just as he was preparing for some sort of ‘final showdown’ with iSpy Cysticercosis.

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2146: Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue — Pages 313 through 373 Mega Riff Bonus Round!

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue, which has entered a bizarre sort of quantum superposition where it is both a porno and not a porno simultaneously.

Previously we wrapped up the Colonel Zahn heist with a ton of pointless speechifying and Zahn himself taking way too long to actually beat and also breaking Sly’s cane in half and just in general there being waaaay too much Ned. But other than that the mission was actually vaguely competent, even though Director Torus showed up to arrest everybody and confiscate the green Magical Mystery Crystal at the end so it all ended up in exactly the same place we were just before the aborted Captain Snow arc so what was really the point?

Also a really ineptly-done flashback showed us that Director Torus somehow allowed Clockwerk to find the Cooper family, but that has absolutely not stopped him from continuing to be awesome. We left off just as he was offering Sly and his gang a deal- immunity in exchange for their assistance in taking down the instigator of all of this, Kylie Jenner Trichinosis.

I wanted to get this thing done in time for the Crappypasta Spooptacular, so we’ll be pulling double marathon sessions today and tomorrow. Straps yourselves in; it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

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2142: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Ten, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons, it’s Wednesday so let’s get rolling!

Last time on The True Force we had much more regurgitation.  But before that we had Auru working on his Lamest Duck nomination by running around doing mostly nothing.  He brought the flute to Impa and Zelda so that they could flee back to the plot rails with it, launched an emergency distress beacon that won’t be picked up by anyone, got his shit kicked in by Ganon, and then dragged himself to the temple of time so that he could die conveniently on the dais in the most melodramatic way possible.  Otherwise the second half of the chapter didn’t really offer anything of note beyond some extended dialogue between Ganon and Link.

This being a brand new chapter, and thankfully the last one before the time-honored one-shot break, let’s check out our new disclaimer and author’s note.

Disclaimer: How many people are reading this exactly?

My optimism would hope it to only be me, but I know better.

(checks story stats) Oh, right. That many.

Knock it off, Vikki.  I don’t want to have to make a counter for every time you talk about your stupid page views.

Well, for those of you who are still here, you already know I don’t own this.

Which is the primary issue with plagiarism.

Author’s Notes-

(hears footsteps – looks up from playing Phantom Hourglass) Oh, hello. Perhaps you’re lost? I think you took a wrong turn at the crossover section.

I mean, you’re not wrong.  But that’s more of a “life choices” thing at this point and less picking the wrong crossover.

Here, let me direct you back to the main desk… wait, what?

You probably want to avoid the main desk of the crossover section.  It’s managed by Starblast Shepard, daughter of Bella Swan, Commander Shepard (Vampire), and the tenth Doctor.

You really meant to be here?

It’s depressing to admit, but yes.

 Well now, that’s odd. I could have sworn nobody cared about this story…

Well, I don’t, but I’m still here.  Figure that out.

 well, go on. It’ll at least appreciate the attention since no one but myself and my friend Writer seem to know this place exists.

Uh, ja-wha?  So you get all these page views that you can’t shut up about, but assume nobody knows the fic exists?  That’s some fucking incongruent logic there.  That’s like assuming because there are only 240 reviews of King Aurthur Bread Flour on Amazon, that only 240 people have ever purchased that flour.  Which is insane because King Arthur Flour is one of the most well known flour brands to both hobby and professional bakers.

This riff brought to you by the good people of King Aurthur Flour*. “Buy our shit and stick it in your loaves, bitches.”

*This may not be true.

Oh, and when you’re done, perhaps you can figure out how the blue link at the bottom of each page works… careful, though. It’s a bit dusty.

Speaking of things that are easy, maybe you can figure out how to write a story without stealing most of it.

Did that sound condescending?  Yeah?  Imagine that.

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2141: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 286 through 312

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue, which is arguably doing worse than it would have if it had just been a porno.

Last time Sly made it back from the jungle surrounding Colonel Zahn’s encampment relatively unharmed for once but then passed out and had a spoopy ghost-dad-vision anyway which just like all the others revealed absolutely nothing; Ned got an extendable gauntlet thingy that basically turned him into a replacement Sly (not that that did much to stop his constant pity-partying); and the gang basically pulled off most of the heist completely without Sly’s involvement (which mostly involved scoping out the place and figuring out how to sabotage Colonel Zahn’s giant pingas cannon). Meanwhile in Interpol-land Judge Bubo failed to stop Director Torus from gearing up to deploy peacekeeping troops in the Congo (which is apparently where Colonel Zahn is) and it was revealed that Ice Ice Baby was in fact not taking the death of Captain Snow particularly well (not that we, you know, care).

I shudder to imagine what depths of pointlessness the comic will sink to in this next installment.

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2140: Realm of the New Gods – Chapter Thirteen

Title: Realm of the New Gods
Author:  Thatoneselfinsertguy
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fire Emblem
Genre: Bad Shonen anime
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by Zues Killer Productions

Realm of the New Gods riff part 6-We’ve reached just below the tip of the Iceburg.

Uggh…wow, that happened. Can’t believe someone wrote a trollfic in which Garfield takes Shepherd’s place in Mass Effect.

For those wondering what the hell happened last time, Emm dies, Jean attempts to kill Gangrel, and Chrom recruits Jean to the Shephe-and there goes my brain now.

*pops cork onto ear*

Hopefully, Flavia can save this part, lest I go mad due to the sheer stupidity here.

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2138: FNG – Chapter Two, Part Two (But it’s actually Chapter One, Part Two)

Title: FNG
Author: Richie23
Media: Video Game
Topic: Rainbow Six: Siege
Genre: Suspense/Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC and Operative SC

Hello, and welcome back to “FNG,” by Richie23! I’m your host, SC, joined by myself, and last time, we officially recruited Jonathan to “the Rainbow,” who are a counter-terrorism organization which answers to “the NATO.” It was a clusterfuck of bad grammar and even worse military know-how on the author’s end, and even Jon, himself, is shocked that they considered him worth the time of day.

This week, it’s the TWENTY-ONETH OF APRIL at Rainbow HQ, and we’re gonna finish off chapter one (even though I have it listed as chapter two because laziness), so let’s go ahead and jump back in.

…These intros get shorter and shorter all the time anymore. What is happening to me?

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2135: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Nine, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, Patrons!  This week, we actually have a recap to do!  Nine chapters in and Vikki finally wrote enough original material to be noteworthy.  I mean, there’s not a lot since the original scenes were mostly padding, but it’s something.

So last time Ganon had this showdown with the king.  And by that, I mean Auru wallowed in vague fear for about two-thousand words and then Ganon killed the king with a handshake.  Luckily the King’s death finally spurred Auru into some long overdue action.  It wasn’t much, shouting, “do the thing!” to Impa right in front of Ganon followed by running to the library for a flute, but it’s more than he’s ever done in the fic thus far.

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