2261: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 4

 

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

Welcome to another chapter of incomprehensible Portal fic which really hasn’t had much to do with the actual source materials it is allegedly based on. In the last chapter a bunch of stuff happened that was quite hard to follow, but can be condensed down into “The Sue appeared. Hijinks ensued.” The neurotoxin generator ran amok, there were lasers, and Chell;s wait was cut off but she got better thanks to the aforementioned Sue. The Sue in question, TSue, vanished into the Void at the end of the chapter, presumably going back to whatever headquarters she has because … I’m not really sure. She seemed mad about something, possibly because she was sent to destroy someone who had no frickin’ idea what was going on.

And now, on to the fic!

“There you are.

Which starts with random unattributed dialogue. Yay.

i hadn’t herd from you and when the power went out, i got worried” said the figure.

Hello, mysterious figure! Are you Mysterious Figure #1 or Mysterious Figure #2? Or perhaps you’re a completely different Mysterious Figure? And who could tell the difference? (Or even care at this point?) You could all be frickin’ Goombas for all the audience knows, but that would mean turning this fic into a crossover and don’t nobody want that.

“FUCKING SAVE IT! You are now under charges for tricking me into attempting to eliminate innocents for your personal gain!” said T.

So … If they hadn’t been completely ignorant then it would have been okay to murder them to death for personal gain? Or was it okay to kill them, as long as no one benefited from the deaths? I’m a bit confused.

And do you mean attempted murder charges with a dash of fraud thrown in for flavor? Because those are real crimes that people can be charged with, not that nonsense you spouted.

“Wait, what are you doing?!” asked the figure.

:shrugs:

I have no idea. I don’t know where you’re supposed to be or even who you are. Goombas, maybe?

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2259: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Sixteen, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Welcome back, patrons!  Sorry about missing last week, work got a little real and I ended up having to spend a few days traveling in order to pull a regional upgrade project together.  That aside, we’re back at it this week starting with a chapter recap smoking hot off the griddle.

*Crunchy gingerly lifts a an oily, slightly browned, and still steaming sheaf of paper off the desk by its corner*

“You went to surprising lengths in order to execute this bit of humor.”

Well, go ahead and read it.  You can eat it afterwards.

“Delighted.  Last time our troupe of ineffectuals tormented a young goron for information then went clothes shopping.”

Sounds about right to me, off to the disclaimer and author’s note!

Disclaimer: I may or may not have said this before, but I believe that both Shigeru Miyamoto and George Lucas are MALE.

“Although entirely irrelevant to any kind of disclaiming, I am relatively sure they identify as such, yes.”

I am, as far as I know, FEMALE. You do the math.

Is… is she coming on to middle-aged producers of popular franchises?

“That is certainly a different tactic to disclaiming than is typical.”

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2258: Halo: Reaching Out! — Chapter 2

Title: Halo: Reaching Out!
Author: xNamikazeKyuubix
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the enthusiastically-titled Halo: Reaching Out!

Previously the story teetered alarmingly close to adequacy when it revealed itself not to be a self-insert in the classical sense like its description claimed, but rather just a regular first-person story centered around Noble Six surviving his last stand at the end of Halo: Reach and trying to get off the planet.

“…”

Hey, I never said it was novel or in any way particularly interesting, just that it had no massive glaring defects. Aside from Six’s red-n-black amour ARMOR and annoying tendency to spell out terms like “Heads’ Up Display” and “Designated Marksman Rifle” that anyone who’s been exposed to military science fiction or just video games in general for more than two seconds would already be familiar with.

Anyway, Six eventually managed to board a Phantom and befriend the pilot, the story’s designated Girl Elite Love Interest who immediately decided to rebel against the Covenant because the constant hundrum sexism of Sangheili culture (which is blamed on the Prophets for some reason) has left her So Numb She Can’t Hit Those Notes. And all this was glued together with a big fat blob of action filler, the TV-dinner mashed potatoes of Halo fanfiction. Let’s see if Chapter 2 manages to completely escape from the sucking pit of mediocrity, or does a nose-dive right back into it!

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2257: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 3

 

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

I’m back with the third chapter of what has thus far been a pretty bland and forgettable fic – if you discount the incredibly obvious scientific errors, of course. Those are pretty memorable.

:eye-twitch:

Very memorable.

Not much has happened plot-wise, just the sudden appearance of a kitchen full of wheat in the testing facility. Also there’s a kitchen now. Not really sure where that’s going.

Now, to the fic!

“Glady, what are you going to cook?” asked Chell. “Pound cake. What with all this wheat…I still have the sound of that word” said GLaDOS.

You need much more than just raw, unprocessed wheat berries to make a pound cake. Butter, milk, eggs; you don’t have any of that.

“I thought the cake was a lie” said Chell.

Maybe back in 2007, but that meme is a grandfather now.

“It actually wasn’t. You were just too stupid to find out where exactly I hid it” said GLaDOS..

Unless you stick around to the end of the credits of the first game.

“Well, I’m so sorry for not being a robotic A.I. that knows pretty much everything about this place Glady!” said Chell.

Chell is much more bitchier than I thought she would be.

“Please don’t call me that. It makes you sound like a little kid and me like a toy robot that a little kid plays with and not a dangerous, genocidal supercomputer.

That’s an oddly specific scenario to be referencing.

If you didn’t get all of that, I’m the queen of Aperture.

Who just voluntarily dethroned herself so she can bake a cake.

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2255: Realm of the New Gods, Chapters 14-16

Title: Realm of the New Gods
Author: Thatoneselfinsertguy
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Self-insert
URL: (Chapter 14) https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10834103/14/ (Chapter 15) https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10834103/15/The-Realm-of-the-New-God (Chapter 16) https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10834103/16/The-Realm-of-the-New-God
Critiqued by Zues Killer Productions

Happy New Year people. I know it’s been a while, but I’m going to get through this chapter…if only because this semester is going to be extremely busy.

When we last left off, Noah was proven right by Jean “killing” Olivia, and we almost managed to see Noah finally off himself, before the author decided that anything negative happening to his character was clearly not going to work, even though one of the fics he ripped off actually pulled that off to masterful effect. Which is a shame, because I’d like to see him NOT get anything he wanted at this point.

Now, the Shepherds (and Noah) are in Feroxi, and if you think that it’s going to jump straight to the part where Chrom gets punched by accident, right?

NOPE.

Instead, here’s 3 chapters of filler before we get to Gangrel. Because clearly, the best idea on how to develop characters and story is to delay the stuff that happens in game.

Not to say it can’t be done well, but as we all have seen, this isn’t the author’s strong suit. And since it’s 3 chapters, I’m just going to cover what’s relevant, so that way I don’t end up gutting myself like a Great White.

The first chapter of this little filler arc begins with Noah, who’s complaining about Sumia not punching Chrom, almost eviscerating a messenger boy trying to deliver a message to the jerk. Said message is an invitation to dinner from Olivia and her family, which just started. Noah, in his attempts to woo his chosen waifu, somehow managed to time travel himself just before the dinner started…or the persons who requested the meet-up weren’t at the location at the appointed time.

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2254: Halo: Reaching Out! — Chapter 1

Title: Halo: Reaching Out!
Author: xNamikazeKyuubix
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to the very… enthusiastically-titled Halo: Reaching Out! by… *squints at author name* “Ex nammik-ayze Kai-you-bix”???

“… Is it a porno?”

No?

“Because that sounds like a porno parody title.”

At least I don’t think it was ever intended to proceed to pornography. It is in the ‘romance’ category, though.

“… Some poor fucker’s gonna try to bone his ship’s AI, isn’t he.”

Not exactly. Welcome to the weird, weird world of Halo fem!Elite ‘fics.

“Aw Christ.”

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2253: A Thousand Cuts – Oneshot

Title: A Thousand Cuts
Author: TheAutisticDuo
Topic: Borderlands 2
Category: Video Game
Genre: Hurt/Comfort / Sci-Fi
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12518886/1/A-Thousand-Cuts
Critiqued by Crazy Minh

WARNING!!! THIS FIC CONTAINS GRAPGIC VIOLENCE AND UNGRACIOUS SWEARING. IT ALSO CONTAINS A REALLY BAD MARY SUE OC AND ABOUT AS MUCH RESPECT FOR ENGLISH AS AUSTRALIANS HAVE FOR OUR POLITICIANS. WHICH IS TO SAY, LITTLE-TO-NONE. IF YOU HAVE ANY TRIGGERS BELONGING TO THIS CATEGORIES, PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS WHILE READING. ALSO, FEAR FOR YOUR SANITY. FOR I HAVE NONE LEFT.

 

CZM: Hello, and welcome back to the Minh and Biskit show. I’m your guest-reviewer host, Crazy Minh…

Biskit: …and I’m Biskit, the guest-guest-reviewer trapped in the body of a stuffed toy!

CZM: Yeah…we’re working on that.

Biskit: Are we? I could finally be able to…

CZM: Today…oh my god. So, I know many of you will have read Lyle’s review of My Immortal, read the piece or just heard of the terribleness of that…said fic…

Biskit: …Wow…just cut me off like that every time. I’ll be fine, don’t you worry…

CZM: This one…this is a treat. Imagine My Immortal in one chapter set in the Borderlands universe, written by a person who claims quite insultingly to be autistic. Seriously, EP does it, alongside 3/5 badfic writers. I’m aspie, and it pisses me off when people use it as a excuse for lazy or otherwise terrible writing. I happen to actually have been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, and while my writing isn’t of the same level as- say- Herr, it’s still pretty decent for someone whose only been writing and publishing fanfiction for two years.

Biskit: Now, we have to admit something: we both have a vendetta against this author. For one, he’s been very unreceptive to our attempts to ask if we can help, and has been downright racist at one point. I can tell you that while Minh has actually got Chinese family, he considers himself Australian. That still doesn’t make calling someone a ‘chink with bad breath’ (actual quote from the author, albeit with better grammar) acceptable. Not fucking kidding. He called my partner a chink with bad oral hygiene.

CZM: Thanks for reminding me…in any case, yeah: he’s been a asshole, and we don’t have anything in kind words to say about him/them. But despite this, we’re riffing his fiction, not the author. He’s like a less mature and less capable (if that could even be possible) version of EP. Imagine that for a second. Yeah. You wish you didn’t now, don’t you?

Biskit: We’ve gotten off track here, so let’s just get into what this is. For those of you who don’t know, Borderlands is a series of action RPG shooters set on a planet in the far future. Each game features a crack team of Vault Hunters, whose goal is to open alien vaults rumoured to contain shittons of loot and treasure. It’s gameplay is very centred around shooting and looting. There have been three ‘main’ games (Borderlands and it’s sequel Borderlands 2; as well as the spinoff ‘Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel’) as well as a mobile game (Borderlands Go) and a telltale games adaptation called ‘Tales from the Borderlands’. If you haven’t played, pick up a copy off Steam while it’s on sale. Pretty much every Christmas, they put it down from nearly $80 Australian to a fantastic price of around $20. This is for the GOTY edition of BL2 by the way, which features all the DLC, including 2 new Vault Hunters and four new mini-campaigns…

CZM: Ok, now you’re off track, AND you’re advertising a game. Not to mention that we are not affiliated with the company Gearbox, or any of it’s business partners.

Biskit: Aw…there goes my retirement benefit…anyway, this story is kinda the tamest of TAD’s stories…so let’s get into it!

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