Hello, and welcome back to “A Branch of Burden,” by Ravager Animas! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we discussed at length the various reasons for the various issues I noted throughout the riff. We also discussed at length how the samurai classes of Etrian Odyssey went from being boring glass cannons to glass cannons that wear all the adornments, but that’s largely irrelevant to the riff at large. There was also a big ol’ fight scene which culminated in Little Miss Landsknecht ripping a frog limb from limb, which was metal as hell.
This week, we’re gonna be finishing up chapter six so that I can move on to the last chapter and put this riff to bed, so let’s not waste anymore time!
Hello, dear Patrons!
I was thinking to myself, “You know what I haven’t done recently?”
:Syl’s voice drifts down from the rafters:
I’m ignoring you. Anyway, I was thinking to myself “You know what I haven’t done in a while? A Reader fic!”
“Bollocks to this.” :drops down from the rafters and heads for the door: “I’ll be at the pub.”
Calling the janitor’s closet a pub doesn’t make it one, but whatever.
So, back to the fic. Unlike many Reader fics, which struggle with the format for a single chapter, this one actually stretches over several chapters. There’s still a lot of struggling, but now it has been greatly expanded, so there’s that to look forward to.
Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
Y/N and her/his friends are big fans of the renown horror game, Five Nights at Freddy’s. They bet every game including the extra nights that were thrown at them, they pretty much everything about the game. But one night, Y/N and her/his friends find out about something that they don’t know what to think of. Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria was right down the road. (My 1st reader insert)
Right away I can tell the grammar is going to be an issue. And the fic is apparently going to be in the frequently annoying first-person rather than the eye-bleeding second-person, so that’s a mixed blessing.
Now, to the fic!
Brace yourself, Whirlybat, I think you’re in for a rough ride.
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief of Virtue (which continues to not be a porno).
Last time the heist against gangster Kevin Turbo proceeded in a manner that in any absolute sense would have to be considered catastrophically botched from start to finish, with Bentley having to ram the Cooper Van through multiple walls because Sly forgot to come up with a way to get himself or the loot out of the building and Murray and Dimitri both getting the absolute shit beaten out of them by Turbo in order to cover Sly’s escape. Oh yeah and that ‘Ice’ woman also showed up to ‘rescue’ Sly from extremely mild danger he shouldn’t have gotten himself into to begin with just so that he could fuck things up more later on. Turbo freaked out on some kind of steroids; a series of wobbly backgrounds that could generously be described as something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a car chase ensued; the entire Miami gang (of three people) got arrested after Sly threatened to fucking drown them to get the name of his next target “Kre”, and criminal mastermind Will-I-Am Dysentery recruited some other random gangster in a back alley for unknown ends that somehow involve the Grouch from Sesame Street.
Let’s move on to the next mission.
Hello hello all you patrons and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue, which I must remind you is still not a porno. I’ve decided to stop transcribing all of the comic’s dialogue and instead devote more effort to just cropping the elements I want, so we should be proceeding a bit faster through this thing now.
Last time, Sly and the gang finally got around to attempting to steal back the Cooper family treasure from the Miami-dwelling wrestler-turned-big-city-gangsta Kevin Turbo. After some rather prefunctory reconnaissance he managed to track Turbo to a fight club in a blank tan building with a single window leading directly into the vault room. He was then introduced to a red-haired “albino squirrel” named “Ice” who I at first thought was just a hooker that Turbo was beating up but I’m worried might turn out to be some sort of rival thief or something because she shows up later in the comic (although she still doesn’t provide Sly with any usable intel). Despite having just spent “a few months” on unspecified “recovery” Sly suddenly needs his family loot back RIGHT FUCKING NOW and decides they are going to “wing it” and not go in with a detailed heist plan. Instead, Dimitri shows up at Turbo’s fight club and challenges him to a dance-off. Turbo, inexplicably, accepts, and this somehow distracts every single guard save for the one in the vault room itself. Bentley cuts the power, and Sly makes it into the vault only to discover that only a tiny amount of the Cooper loot is left. Then (somehow!) he gets caught and held at gunpoint by (oh noes!) a single flashlight guard who looks like a bad Sonic recolor. How will our brave master thief ever get himself out of this extremely mild predicament?!
Hello, and welcome back to “A Branch of Burden,” by Ravager Animas! I’m your host, SC, and last time, basically a whole lot of nothing happened, then the team made it back to Tharsis and decided to launch an investigation into the Shithead Guild who’ve been robbing people all over the place. I also finally decided to bring up that Ravager Animas has been less than subtle about their EO3 preferences, given that there’ve been references to either the game, itself, or Ravager Animas’ guild, in every chapter so far. After that, I went on a long rant about how Little Miss Runemaster is basically dead weight, and then we finished the riff off with me asking a lot of questions that I hope will get answered this week.
Title: Zelda Erotica: The Pegging Princess
Author: The Masked Sage
Media: Video Game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat with special guest Syl
—THIS FIC IS NSFW/NSFC—
—I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THE TITLE—
Hello, dear Patrons!
This little oneshot is (superficially) from the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild universe, but it’s … Not exactly canon-friendly.
“So says you. Who knows what Little Miss Princess gets up to in her spare time?”
You all know Syl, of course.
:Syl winks at the Patrons:
Charming. Let’s begin with the summary, shall we?
“As long as we get to the good stuff soon, dumpling.”
Don’t worry. This fic is exactly what it says on the tin. The author has a whole collection of these fics.
With Calamity Ganon sealed, Zelda and Link allow their love to grow. After returning from an expedition, Zelda can’t wait to show Link her newest Sheikah invention: intimacy technology.
I know the Sheikah were clever and had loads of gadgets, but “intimacy technology”? What does that even mean?
“Bet you a nickel Link fucks a Guardian.”
That’s not a bet I’d want to win. Or even contemplate.
(This story is considered Zelda erotica, and it contains adult themes and content. Critiques RE the style and storytelling are encouraged, so please leave your detailed suggestions/solutions in the reviews.)
:static-filled burst of hoots and whistles:
What was that?
“I’m Skyping with the other Sisters of Sin. They didn’t want to miss Gumdrop’s Thai cooking class.”
Dammit! That was today?
“Don’t worry, Glasses says she can save you some basil chicken.”
Easy on the archeopteryx, please.
Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author: Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic
Heyo, patrons! Today we start in on chapter seven, and it’s a doozy, one of the longest in the fic. Also, for those of you in the States, happy Blow Stuff Up day! For those elsewhere around the globe, happy Wednesday!
Also, the more adroit of you will notice the number on this fic doesn’t line up. Unfortunately a numbering snafu lead to 2062 getting skipped, so, in proper fanfiction fashion, instead of going back to fix it by renumbering everything, I’m just going to slap a band-aid on it and give this one the number we missed.
Seem stupid and lazy? I’ll let you budding authors answer that question and then take a long, slow look at your own drafting and rewrite process.
Last time we finished up the Dodongo caverns with the help of Big Red, the inexplicable baby-Stu dragon. Fortunately Vikki promised that he’ll be leaving the party soon, so we can look forward to that, and to Link slaying him later in the fic.