2016: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Howdly-ho, patrons!  Sorry for missing last week, Influenza B made me its personal play-thing for almost nine days and I unfortunately haven’t had a post buffer since like 2015 due to equal parts being busy and being lazy.  Speaking of having no buffer, I’m letting you all know that there will not be a post from me next Wednesday as I’ll be entertaining company that whole week.

Now that that’s all out of the way, welcome to Legend of Zelda: The True Force!  If you’re in the habit of skipping over our headers, let me quickly grab a line from it so that you’ll all know what you’re in for!

Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars

Bask in it, patrons!  BASK!

The Legend of Zelda: The True Force is a tremendous-sized fic that is absolutely brimming with… game mechanics.  Lots and lots and lots of game mechanics.  And regurgitation!  Now, that aside, by word count it’ll be one of the biggest single projects I’ve undertaken.  Fortunately we’ll be skipping almost half of it because of just how much plot regurgitation and pointless game mechanic play-by-play there is in it.

Oh, and it’s got sexified faeries! Read the rest of this entry »

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2015: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapter 10

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

-WARNING-
Today’s chapter contains potential flamebait in the form of repeated invocation of Nazis. No actual Nazis ever appear, but flamebait nonetheless.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the last chapter of the ‘fic formerly known as Velocius et Fortius.

Previously, we were treated to a whole bunch of goddamn filler as basically all of the ground team dicked around inside that one training facility on Earth’s Moon that has the crazy AI and all of the drones in it. Bad jokes were made, Tali killed a bunch of drones with one shot in a combat scene that may as well have had the Monty Python intermission theme playing over it, and Shepard’s biotic aura turned green for reasons that I’m a little bit afraid actually will be explained later on.

And that gets us to Chapter 10.” Read the rest of this entry »


2014: Foreigners and Templars – Chapter Three

SC’s Note: Friendly reminder, if you see any text highlighted like this, mouse over it to read the hidden footnotes. However, if you’re viewing this riff on mobile, unfortunately, the acronym tag doesn’t work in that format. Bummer, brohemian rhapsody.

Title: Foreigners and Templars
Author: Light Sorcerer
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dragon Age
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, The Angriest Noblewoman in Thedas, and Inquisitor Jacob “Jack” Trevelyan

~TRIGGER WARNING: THIS RIFF WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE, BUT THEN THE AUTHOR JUST HAULS OFF AND HAS A CHARACTER THREATEN RAPE AS A JOKE, SO I GOTTA PUT THIS HERE, NOW.~

Hello, and welcome back to-

Anita: Why the fuck am I back here again?

Or just jump right over the top of my introduction, that’s cool too, I guess…

Jack: U-um, you wouldn’t… happen to be-

Anita: The crazy bitch that Tevinter outlawed because the Archon pissed himself at the thought of me being in Minrathous, yes.

Jack: …Oh. Dear. Why is she here, exactly?

Because if anybody will get you to keep your attention focused, it’s the world’s angriest Grey Warden.

Jack: I’m… I’m not really that absent-minded, am I?

…Anita, please smack him.

*Anita proceeds to bitchslap Jack upside the head so hard that blood explodes from his eye sockets*

I said smack him, not murder him!

Anita: Look, sometimes my Angry Powers don’t turn off like they’re supposed to, alright?

Read the rest of this entry »


Artastic Wednesday: Sexy Ganon Edition

Hey, patrons!  So, teh influenzaz finally finished moving its way through the Taco clan and during the weekend landed up my facular region.  So, instead of writing a riff for you all this week, I’ve been hanging out in my blanket fortress trying to figure out which of the dancing pickles on my pillow are real and which are fever delusions.   I haven’t quite figured that one out yet, but that singing one on the far right is probably real.

Probably.

Anyway, since the Sexy Santa Bear fanart has been among the most popular searches that’s lead people to our little corner of the interwebs (Some very confused and dissapointed people hoping for a gallery of Sexy Santa Bear), I decided to up the game with some sexy Ganondorf for you all!  I am so, so sorry.

Needless to say that behind the break is some NSFW content.

Read the rest of this entry »


2011: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapter 9 and Reviews

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 9 and The Reviews
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the ‘fic formerly known as Velocius et Fortius!

Last time we saw the end of the unnaturally-extended Feros arc, although considering how little time was dedicated to actually dealing with the Thorian it’d really be better to refer to it as the everybody-be-amazed-by-the-uncontrollable-’berzerking’-Shepard-on-Feros arc. Eventually the rest of the crew did manage to sedate her and subsequently calm her down, although this involved a pointless cameo from Legion that fortunately nobody had to actually directly acknowledge.

Meanwhile on the Citadel, it was revealed that the batarian Nikita Chruscov and her Cerberus pals “interrogated” was part of some sort of vague biological terrorist plot to infect an unknown number of people related to the Council with ‘batarian plague’, which is apparently completely treatable without ill effects. Oh yeah, and also some random gang members are trying to team up with Nyreen Kandros to push those stupid ‘Dark Stars’ guys off of Omega and hopefully also do something about The Daughter Of Dracula and her weird psychopath kid.

Read the rest of this entry »


2010: Maya and Raider – Chapter Nine

Title: Maya and Raider
Author: 
Eclipsepheniox
Media:
Video Game
Topic:
Borderlands
Genre:
Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by Delta XIII

I’m truly starting to regret taking on such a big project this early in my riffing career.

But, alas, the show must go on, so without further ado:

EVERYTHING WRONG
WITH
Maya and Raider
Chapter 10

(nearly halfway done!)

Read the rest of this entry »


2009: Foreigners and Templars – Chapter Two

SC’s Note: Friendly reminder, if you see any text highlighted Like this, mouse over it to read the hidden footnotes. However, if you’re viewing this riff on mobile, unfortunately, the acronym tag doesn’t work in that format. So fuck you, y’all motherfuckers don’t get no footnotes.

Title: Foreigners and Templars
Author: Light Sorcerer
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dragon Age
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC and Inquisitor Jacob “Jack” Trevelyan

Hello, and welcome back to “Foreigners and Templars,” by Light Sorcerer! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we met the single angriest woman in Thedas, and she proceeded to get, well, angry at the cowering, whimpering and whining of a one Adrian of Melbourne, Australia, our fic’s bisexual protagonist. Normally, this wouldn’t be a point in need of mentioning, but for the author making a big deal out of it. I’m sure he’s totally not an insert character, and will more than likely be the eventual romantic interest of a one Cullen Stanton Rutherford, templar of the Ferelden Circle of Magi, Knight-Captain of the Kirkwall Circle of Magi, and eventual commander of the Inquisition’s military forces. At least, I assume this is so, given that the author had himself a little pity-rant about how unfair it was that Bioware made Cullen straight at the last second rather than leaving him bisexual, because it made Light Sorcerer feel under-appreciated. Because, you know, Bioware has never, ever, ever made LGBTQ characters.

Seriously, kid, I’ve played homosexual characters in Bioware games for shits and giggles. The only reason you feel like a second thought is because you willingly chose to misread a design choice as something that it wasn’t.

Read the rest of this entry »