2579: Mileena’s Humanity – Chapter Four

Title: Mileena’s Humanity
Author:  Spirit.of.Bardock
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11898341/4/
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

WARNING: THIS INSTALLMENT CONTAINS AN EXPLICIT SEX SCENE AND THUS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. IT’S ALSO SHOWING UP IN THIS FINE ESTABLISHMENT SO IT IS ALSO NOT SAFE FOR YOUR SANITY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.

Hello and welcome back to the riff of “Mileena’s Humanity”. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden and last time, we left off with our “hero” continuing to act like a douche rocket, Mileena suddenly having a breakdown and crying her eyes out and then acquiescing to sex with Ju’Stu. Ju’Stu, as you’ll recall tried to cave her skull in with a baseball bat, bosses her around, and force-feeds her shit that could well be toxic to her due to her unique physiology. So, of course, he’s “saved her life” and now she’s gonna bang him.

Before we begin, let’s post the current Darwin List for Ju’Stu.

  • Performed an unprovoked attack on Mileena
  • Isn’t afraid of the teeth she can easily use to rip him in half
  • Seems intent on pissing her off
  • Gives her weapons
  • Invades her personal space when she’s pissed off
  • Casually keeps his guard down around the psychotic cannibal
  • Takes a commanding/bossy tone with a woman who is known as the Mad Empress of Outworld for her sadism and brutality to her own subjects
  • Gets preachy with Mileena after finger-flicking her forehead

*opens a bottle of rocket-grade tihaar, sets the popcorn machine to overdrive, and cues up the porn music*

Let’s do this.

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2576: Love and War – Chapter 5

Title: “Love and War”
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video games
Fandom: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure and romance (additional tags: AU, Pacing Trainwreck, Fanfic in Name Only)
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by eatpraylove 

Welcome back to “Love and War”, patrons! Been a while, huh?

Last chapter, our two protagonists finally got the hell away from the Sinnoh royal palace after the worst assassination attempt ever and some boringly-written fight scenes. Amazingly, the cliché counter remained at a solid thirteen (plus some side orders of “why”) with nary an uptick to be seen.

Here’s hoping things go back to just boring rather than full-on stupid. I know it’s also stupid of me to hope that, but I’m an incurable optimist dammit.

*sits in riffing chair*

Chapter 5

Z3R0 L0V3 – I apologize for the delay in this chapter. I had a case of writer’s block. Here’s another chapter! Happy Reading! 

I don’t own anything!

You guys know you don’t really have to put disclaimers in front of your fanfic, right? Especially not in front of every single chapter.

Dawn looked down at the blade that was in her hand.

She still couldn’t wrap her head around what had happened. Paul had tried to kill her. The man her parents were going to have her marry had tried to kill her, yet they didn’t even know. 

*siren goes off*

*hits random button; sounds of screaming and gunfire from the hallway*

Thanks, Marcus!

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2574: Athame’s Light – Chapter Four

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa, Specialist Daniel Mathers, and Contacts, whether he fucking likes it or not

Contacts: This is somehow more humiliating than constantly getting screwed over by Syl!

*Contacts thrashes about fruitlessly, effortlessly suspended in midair by Myrai’s biotics; Mathers chuckles as he munches on his fourth or fifth high-nutrient protein bar in a row, looking noticeably less exhausted than previously*

You had to know this was going to blow up in your face.

Contacts: This is abuse! Unlawful detainment! Police – er, Spectre, whatever – brutality!

Specialist Mathers: You hear that? The known thief is bitching about legalities.

Spectre Myrai: I know, it’s a hoot. And he’s doing it wrong, because “Spectre brutality” won’t hold up in any court of law on account of the carte blanche granted Spectres by the Council, itself.

Specialist Mathers: Where was all this bluster when he was getting hunted down for that major weapons theft, I wonder?

Spectre Myrai: Kinda didn’t give him the chance to use it, because I was in the middle of splattering his brain across the wall.

Contacts: I want a lawyer! I know my rights!

Yep, and as the closest thing to legal council you’re gonna get before the ninja legal team gets here or Bats shows up in the comments, I’d like to remind you that one of your rights is the right to remain silent, a.k.a. shut the fuck up.

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2573: Fazbear Park – Chapters 1 & 2

Title: Fazbear Park
Author: SirDelvinAndMegaMike
Media: Books/Movies
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s/Jurassic World
Genre: Romance
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hey there, Patrons!

I was combing through my short fics to see what caught my fancy and near the bottom of the bin was this very short little treasure.

It’s a Jurassic Park/World and Five Nights at Freddy’s crossover.

And it’s tagged as a Romance.

Soooo … That’s a thing that exists. Let’s look at the summary, shall we?

InGen and Fazbear Entertainment come together to recreate the popular FFP and Jurassic World!

With two companies with such sterling track records regarding customer safety I can’t see how that would ever go wrong, but I can’t help but notice that a theme park featuring genetically engineered organisms doesn’t have much in common with a children’s party restaurant. There might be a pizzeria inside Jurassic World somewhere, probably the food court because there’s always a food court, but the summary makes it sound as if the two things are completely equal.

Welcome home! Rated M for language, violence, and suggestive themes.

Oh, I don’t like that.

Read and please please PLEASE review. Fem! Mangle and Fem! OC. Couldn’t find JJ in the character list, just put her as OC. Please review. If you read, review review review!

Do you think the author wants reviews?

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2572: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bores – Chapters Fourteen and Fifteen

Title: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros
Author: Quartz2006
Media: Video Game
Topic: Super Smash Bros.
Genre: Romance/Tedium
URL: Chapter 14 and Chapter 15
Critiqued by Elysium16 and Rimura (Special Guest Taelle)

Current Counts

Null and Void: 21

Rimura: *wearing an extremely forced smile* Elysium?

Elysium: *faux-innocently* Yes?

Rimura: Do you or do you not hate me?

Elysium: I don’t, of cour—

Rimura: *false smile slides off to be replaced with barely restrained rage* THEN WHY DID YOU INVITE TAELLE HERE?!

Taelle: It isn’t my fault you’ve made so many enemies.

Rimura: *continuing as though Taelle never spoke* Who’s next? Yanaran? Elkos? Telina forbid, Ratura?

Elysium: Er… LOOK, WE’RE LIVE!

Taelle: What?

Elysium: *WAY too cheerfully* Welcome back, patrons!

Rimura: YOU CAN’T JUST AVOID THE SUBJECT LIKE THAT!

Elysium: *talking over him* Last time, nothing interesting happened and I wanted to bang my head against a brick wall! And this time…

…uh…

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2571: Mileena’s Humanity – Chapter Three

Title: Mileena’s Humanity
Author: Spirit.of.Bardock
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

Hello everyone and welcome back to the riff of Mileena’s Humanity. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden and last chapter proved somewhat enlightening with regards to our “hero” Ju’Stu. For example, we learned that he has precisely zero survival instincts and is a total prick to one of Outworld’s deadliest fighters.

Let’s see what we have to put up with today.

AN: Ok sorry for taking so long with this chapter, a lot of stuff happened since the last one. Such as losing my laptop to the Blue Screen. And also thank you everyone that reviewed and faved this, to the reviewer who asked for a female OC x Mileena, I may get around to it. However since it’s almost summer, I’m going to be busy with stuff. A lot of which is Let’s Play and work.

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2570: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 2

-WARNING-
The author begins to put his political views on fairly public display in this chapter, and they are… pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a guy who writes alternate-history HFY fanfiction featuring weirdly defanged Nazis.

Also, weirdly defanged Nazis are still Nazis, and are still in this ‘fic.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years.

Last time, we had a boringly mostly adequate section where some U-Boat captain found a wrecked Council ship in Antarctica, then for some reason this influx of new technology and weapons made Hitler want to reopen peace talks with the British because that‘s totally how Nazis would think.

Actually, “because that’s totally how Nazis would think” is shaping up to be a countable offense in this ‘fic, because these seem to be Nazis with every hint of racism or other undesirable qualities neatly and authorially excised.

This all brings us to the second half of Chapter 1, where the ‘fic becomes less of an implausible alternate-historical ‘fic and more of a regular old HFY ‘fic with, what else, a massive timeline featuring implausible events we mostly couldn’t care less about!

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