2020: Realm of the New God – Chapter One

Title: Realm of the New God
Author: ThatOneSelfInsertGuy
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Self Insert / Adventure / Humor
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Zeus Killer Productions

Chapter 1-The beginning of the end

Hello, and welcome to Zeus’s riff of Realm of the New Gods. Now, most people would point out what the fanfiction does by doing an analysis on said fanfiction, and then putting their own two cents in. But I don’t have that much persistence to do that, and I get bored easily. So instead, here’s something that’s inspired by “Terrible Writing Advice”. And by inspired, I mean taken wholesale. By following my expert advice, you too can make sure that you can write like the professional fanfiction writers. It’s that easy.

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2019: Foreigners and Templars – Chapter Four

SC’s Note: Friendly reminder, if you see any text highlighted like this, mouse over it to read the hidden footnotes. However, if you’re viewing this riff on mobile, unfortunately, the acronym tag doesn’t work in that format. Feels bad, man.

Title: Foreigners and Templars
Author: Light Sorcerer
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dragon Age
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Inquisitor Jacob “Jack” Trevelyan, and Janice Hawke

Hello, and welcome back to “Foreigners and Templars,” by Light Sorcerer! I’m your host, SC, joined again by Ser Jacob “Jack” Trevelyan of the Inquisition, and last time, we got to meet some templars, I dumped so much info that it could snuff out a sun, and all of a sudden, Light Sorcerer decided that rape jokes and attempted masturbation were things that needed to happen, as well as trying to speak Elvish (and failing) and completely misunderstanding how blood magic works.

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2018: She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapter 7

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hey there, dear Patrons, and welcome to the riff of the year! (Literally.) Just kidding, it’s another chapter of the Wonderful World of Magical DNA.

Not much happened in the last chapter, just the Family Blob getting a vague idea of where Lex might be based on Charlie’s remote cell phone tracking app of dubious legality.

Now, to the fic!

“So your grandfather sponsored both parks?” Gray asked as they continued to hike through the jungle.

…Wha?

“Yeah,” Lex answered. “He was a friend of John Hammond’s.”

“Must be pretty old,” Zach commented.

This is a weird discussion for them to be having – or partially having, since they seem to be in the middle of it right now.  I don’t think either of the boys would have asked Lex any questions about her grandfather in passing while they are running for their lives from a vicious dinosaur, so she must have deliberately brought it up. For what purpose I know not, but it smells faintly of a Sue’s self-important bragging to me.

“Doesn’t look it,” Lex admitted. “A lot of plastic surgery. Get this, they even manipulated their skin to make it sparkle in the light.”

Is that really the explanation that Lex is going to use to explain the sparklepires’ sparkle?  And what does that even mean? That they had some kind of special plastic surgery to embed glitter in their skin? It makes zero sense. The narration has already made it clear that Lex knows her adoptive family are sparklepires, so either the author forgot or this is Lex’s lame attempt at explaining why there family twinkles in the sun so that the Volturi don’t come after them.

“They sparkle?” the boys chorused.

Yes, and it’s completely ridiculous.

Lex nodded and smirked.

:distant explosions:

I didn’t hear that.

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2017: The Right Partner – Chapters Eight and Nine

Title: The Right Partner
Author: Justasmalltowngirl2713
Media: Film
Topic: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by BatJamags

Lousy Goddamn Stupid Blushing count: 8

Shits I Give count: 0

We Watched the Movie count: 11

Hello once again, patrons! I’m back with another chapter or two of The Right Partner. Now that the fic’s run out of plot to regurgitate, I’m hopeful that something will happen, because I’m dumb like that. Let’s get started, shall we?

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2016: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Howdly-ho, patrons!  Sorry for missing last week, Influenza B made me its personal play-thing for almost nine days and I unfortunately haven’t had a post buffer since like 2015 due to equal parts being busy and being lazy.  Speaking of having no buffer, I’m letting you all know that there will not be a post from me next Wednesday as I’ll be entertaining company that whole week.

Now that that’s all out of the way, welcome to Legend of Zelda: The True Force!  If you’re in the habit of skipping over our headers, let me quickly grab a line from it so that you’ll all know what you’re in for!

Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars

Bask in it, patrons!  BASK!

The Legend of Zelda: The True Force is a tremendous-sized fic that is absolutely brimming with… game mechanics.  Lots and lots and lots of game mechanics.  And regurgitation!  Now, that aside, by word count it’ll be one of the biggest single projects I’ve undertaken.  Fortunately we’ll be skipping almost half of it because of just how much plot regurgitation and pointless game mechanic play-by-play there is in it.

Oh, and it’s got sexified faeries! Read the rest of this entry »


2015: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapter 10

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

-WARNING-
Today’s chapter contains potential flamebait in the form of repeated invocation of Nazis. No actual Nazis ever appear, but flamebait nonetheless.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the last chapter of the ‘fic formerly known as Velocius et Fortius.

Previously, we were treated to a whole bunch of goddamn filler as basically all of the ground team dicked around inside that one training facility on Earth’s Moon that has the crazy AI and all of the drones in it. Bad jokes were made, Tali killed a bunch of drones with one shot in a combat scene that may as well have had the Monty Python intermission theme playing over it, and Shepard’s biotic aura turned green for reasons that I’m a little bit afraid actually will be explained later on.

And that gets us to Chapter 10.” Read the rest of this entry »


2014: Foreigners and Templars – Chapter Three

SC’s Note: Friendly reminder, if you see any text highlighted like this, mouse over it to read the hidden footnotes. However, if you’re viewing this riff on mobile, unfortunately, the acronym tag doesn’t work in that format. Bummer, brohemian rhapsody.

Title: Foreigners and Templars
Author: Light Sorcerer
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dragon Age
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, The Angriest Noblewoman in Thedas, and Inquisitor Jacob “Jack” Trevelyan

~TRIGGER WARNING: THIS RIFF WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE, BUT THEN THE AUTHOR JUST HAULS OFF AND HAS A CHARACTER THREATEN RAPE AS A JOKE, SO I GOTTA PUT THIS HERE, NOW.~

Hello, and welcome back to-

Anita: Why the fuck am I back here again?

Or just jump right over the top of my introduction, that’s cool too, I guess…

Jack: U-um, you wouldn’t… happen to be-

Anita: The crazy bitch that Tevinter outlawed because the Archon pissed himself at the thought of me being in Minrathous, yes.

Jack: …Oh. Dear. Why is she here, exactly?

Because if anybody will get you to keep your attention focused, it’s the world’s angriest Grey Warden.

Jack: I’m… I’m not really that absent-minded, am I?

…Anita, please smack him.

*Anita proceeds to bitchslap Jack upside the head so hard that blood explodes from his eye sockets*

I said smack him, not murder him!

Anita: Look, sometimes my Angry Powers don’t turn off like they’re supposed to, alright?

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