2433: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 2

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by The Librarian formerly known as Satan’s Teacup

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the next chapter of what will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride into Crazy Town. The first chapter’s ‘narration’ portion was largely an unmarked Author’s Note from dear ol’ JK for the most part, so here’s hoping there is some actual fic somewhere in this fic.

Harry and Hermione confront their problems…

Presumably these problems center completely on how they aren’t allowed to have sex with each other because the whole convoluted “cousins via godparent” thing caused by Harry’s godfather being the brother of Hermione’s father instead of them legitimately being related because their mothers were sisters.

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2427: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 1

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat Satan’s Teacup

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, dear Patrons, and welcome to a brand new fic! I had sort of planned to start working on a long-ish Skyrim wankfic, but then changed my mind since I would have to cut it off for our annual Spooktober. You will sadly have to wait to read about the conflict between the Fempire and those rebellious Stormclits. Today’s fic is still a work in progress, as I’m writing this a fresh chapter has just been posted a few hours ago, so it is bound to get longer but I don’t mind breaking it up. Now, I don’t normally work of fics that are in-progress just by personal preference, but this one is just a very wibbly-wobbly ball of wack-assery that is practically the embodiment of an onion of failure.

Let’s take a look at the summary; which, for once, is not what drew me to the fic but still waves many red flags.

This is the truth about the first draft I’ve written about the characters of my Harry Potter stories and I would’ve preferred to publish every first draft instead of what is currently on the market so I will rewrite and refine the first drafts, to have the real genetics and the magical laws involved like how I prefer my stories to be realistic than fantasy.

First off – that is all one sentence. Yikes. Secondly, this is a series with physics-breaking magic happening on the regs yet the ‘real’ author of the series claims to prefer realism over fantasy.

Right.

And I seriously doubt any halfway decent author would ever claim that they wanted to publish their first drafts. First drafts are frickin’ nightmares. I also find it funny that the author claims to want to publish the first drafts, but in the same sentence says that they are going to “rewrite and refine” those first drafts – a process normally referred to as ‘editing’ which would make them no longer first drafts.

As you might be able to tell, the author claims repeatedly, both in the fic and in their bio, that they are the real JK Rowling. They will not shut up about how they are, for real and for true, the legitimate person known as JK Rowling. In fact, there are only two fics in their profile, this one and what is essentially a long Author’s Note claiming that they are the real JK Rowling among other rambling nonsense including the “fact” that there are special American police departments (and British Bobby departments) specifically set up to track down fanfic authors’ names and addresses so that the owners of the intellectual properties can send them cease and desist letters for not adhering to the canon pairings. Because that’s definitely something Generic Police Dept officers spend their time doing.

On to the fic! Which starts off with an Author’s Note.

AN: This is the real Joanne Kathleen Rowling, or known as J.K. Rowling, and yes I am the real deal and all.

Welp, I’m finally convinced. It’s not like total dumbasses can’t go around on completely anonymous sites like ff.net and claim to be whomever they want. I couldn’t, I don’t know, just change my username to Satan’s Teacup without the Internet Police checking to make sure I was, in fact, crockery owned by the devil.

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2420: A walk in the woods-slender x reader- – Oneshot

Title: A walk in the woods-slenderxreader-
Author: sadistictriangle
Media: Video Game/Creepypasta
Topic: Slender
Genre: Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

—WARNING—

—CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT IS THEORETICALLY  NSFW/NSFC—

—PROCEED WITH CAUTION—

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

I’ve been out of town in Georgia for a con for the last few days, so I decided to hunt up a quick oneshot instead of trying to start something big. And, as luck would have it, SC posted a Slender Man reaction gif in the Secret Clubhouse that made me think “Hey, I haven’t worked on a Slender Man fic in a while, I should go see what I can find.” which means that, in a roundabout way, this is all SC’s fault.

Now to take a look at the summary!

 blarb. this is my first fanfiction. it is about slendy and you. it gets lemonish, so be warned.

…I immediately regret my life decisions. And now I have to go put a warning in the header and send an apology gift basket to Whirlybat.

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2409: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike – Chapter 4

 

Title: Five night’s with Foxy and Mike
Author: PLeasedestroyme
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: none given
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by: Ghostcat with ‘special guest’ Syl

 

—TRIGGER WARNING—

—THIS POST CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT, WHILE NOT GRAPHIC OR EXPLICIT, MAY BE DISTURBING TO SOME PEOPLE—

—READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED–

 

:Ghostie drags herself into the Riffing Chamber and flops down at the desk:

Ughhhhh. I really need to stop checking on my old fics. It brings me nothing but pain.

:plucks a massive mug of something steaming out of the Formless Void:

So, as is often my habit, I did a quick scan through the abandoned fics in my Pile-o-Fail and wouldn’t you know it? It would seem that the author of the saga of Blind Mike the Robot Fondler, also known as “Five night’s with Foxy and Mike“, also known as the robo-molestation fic, updated with another chapter. Yay.

:sips drink:

Not even this comically oversized mug full of Lina’s Black Death espresso can help me now.

It’s been close to two years since the last riff in the series, but the tl;dr version is that Blind Mike the Robot Fondler is have Adult Thoughts regarding Foxy, who is a busted-out wreck of a robot and is having a token internal conflict regarding said Adult Thoughts. There’s been too much some touching, hence the nickname, and Blind Mike the Robot Fondler considers Foxy’s lack of negative response as consent – which is one hundred percent not how consent works. At all. Not even a little bit. Also the Author’s Notes keep promising that there’s going to be dick-insertion at some point, but there’s probably not going to be any dick-mangling. Maybe. Possibly. Almost definitely. I’m putting up a warning just in case.

Now, on to the fic. Such as it is.

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2404: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 3 & 4

 

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the last (thus far) two chapters of this continuing saga of a crossover.

In the last chapters Lex had a screaming nightmare and was left alone by her erstwhile guardians so she could chat on the phone with her boyfriend, followed by her arriving home from school to find ominous messages written in blood on her mattress – despite living in a household full of people with unnaturally enhanced senses specifically honed towards blood – and then she got dressed up for a party the family is throwing because reasons, likely something to do with the park since the other named characters from the film are supposed to be attending.

Now, on to the fic!

Once again, Lex found herself wishing that she could be anywhere but where she was.

Stuck in a badfic? I sympathize, but I’m not breaking the security cordon around the Literary Extractor to bust you out. One useless badfic character in the Library is enough.

:Markus leans in and give Ghostie the finger:

Get out of my riff! Shouldn’t you be off disappointing Crunchy?

:Markus leaves:

And take this finger with you! Dumbass.

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2397: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 1 & 2

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another fic! This one is also from the Jurassic park/World section and is also a crossover, but this time it’s a crossover with the town bicycle of fanfics, Twilight!

And it gets better! Not only is it another JP/Twilight crossover, but it’s a sequel to another fic we’ve already seen – the cavalcade of strangeness that is She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes.

You know what that means!

Also, the author really has a thing for nonsensical titles.

Weirdness aside, that fic seemed fairly complete, ending with the Sue being stalked by paparazzi at school and pitching a bitch-fit regarding how triggered she was that was soothed by attention from a cute boy. It just sort of fizzled out like many we see in the Library, so I have no idea where this sequel is supposed to be going. I’m sure the summary will let us know.

Sequel to She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes. Carlisle now heads InGen and the Volturi plot to use this to take down the Cullens once and for all, starting with the death of Lex. But what happens when Claire’s nephews and Owen are in the wrong place at the wrong time? Enter Forks at its most dangerous and deadly time.

The fic hasn’t even started yet and I already have questions. How would the Volturi use the fact that Carlisle is (for some inexplicable reason) now the head of a company to ‘take down’ the Cullen clan? The sparklepires do have a masquerade in place to prevent normies from getting suspicious, but as long as Carlisle retires before anyone notices that he doesn’t age and doesn’t do anything stupid like make herds of sparklesaurs he should be fine.

…There’s going to be herds of sparklesaurs, isn’t there? And they’re going to try to attack all the named characters from the movie (who will apparently all be in Forks at the same time with the sparklesaurs because reasons) and the Sue is going to have to save them, isn’t she?

Crapcakes.

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2367: Diary of an Outsider – Chapter 3

Author: IMakeBadPuns
Media: Video Game
Topic:  The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Adventure/Friendship
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to what is thus far the last chapter of LegolaSue’s epic tale about a life that is so boring she doesn’t want to talk about even though she can’t really shut up about it. So it goes.

The chapter starts off with an Author’s Note. Because of course it does.

A/N – You lucky, lucky people. Not only do you get updated versions of Chapter 1 and 2, but you also get a third chapter.

Which, for some reason, was not edited to make it “easier to read” so it’s just one long Wall-o-Text. Yay.

And potentially a fourth, all in one day.

Spoiler alert – there’s no fourth chapter. At all. It’s been five years.

No promises though, it just depends how much longer I can stay awake (thanks college, you suck).

If you think college is bad, have I got some depressing news regarding what happens when you join the workforce.

Anyway, I hope you guys and gals enjoy this. If you do, there’s a handy Follow/Favourite button you can use. There’s also a Review button, if you feel like telling me how I’m doing (it’ll really help). See you guys next time.

Except there’s not a next time, because the fic just kind of fizzles out. And this is the only fic the author has ever posted on ff.net.

Tirdas the 26th of Last Seed

So, we meet again. I’m not ignoring you. I’ve just been busy.

With stuff and/or things?

With stuff. And things. Important things.

Oooh, both stuff and things! And the things are important! But probably boring so she’s not going to talk about them.

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