2261: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 4

 

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

Welcome to another chapter of incomprehensible Portal fic which really hasn’t had much to do with the actual source materials it is allegedly based on. In the last chapter a bunch of stuff happened that was quite hard to follow, but can be condensed down into “The Sue appeared. Hijinks ensued.” The neurotoxin generator ran amok, there were lasers, and Chell;s wait was cut off but she got better thanks to the aforementioned Sue. The Sue in question, TSue, vanished into the Void at the end of the chapter, presumably going back to whatever headquarters she has because … I’m not really sure. She seemed mad about something, possibly because she was sent to destroy someone who had no frickin’ idea what was going on.

And now, on to the fic!

“There you are.

Which starts with random unattributed dialogue. Yay.

i hadn’t herd from you and when the power went out, i got worried” said the figure.

Hello, mysterious figure! Are you Mysterious Figure #1 or Mysterious Figure #2? Or perhaps you’re a completely different Mysterious Figure? And who could tell the difference? (Or even care at this point?) You could all be frickin’ Goombas for all the audience knows, but that would mean turning this fic into a crossover and don’t nobody want that.

“FUCKING SAVE IT! You are now under charges for tricking me into attempting to eliminate innocents for your personal gain!” said T.

So … If they hadn’t been completely ignorant then it would have been okay to murder them to death for personal gain? Or was it okay to kill them, as long as no one benefited from the deaths? I’m a bit confused.

And do you mean attempted murder charges with a dash of fraud thrown in for flavor? Because those are real crimes that people can be charged with, not that nonsense you spouted.

“Wait, what are you doing?!” asked the figure.

:shrugs:

I have no idea. I don’t know where you’re supposed to be or even who you are. Goombas, maybe?

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2257: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 3

 

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

I’m back with the third chapter of what has thus far been a pretty bland and forgettable fic – if you discount the incredibly obvious scientific errors, of course. Those are pretty memorable.

:eye-twitch:

Very memorable.

Not much has happened plot-wise, just the sudden appearance of a kitchen full of wheat in the testing facility. Also there’s a kitchen now. Not really sure where that’s going.

Now, to the fic!

“Glady, what are you going to cook?” asked Chell. “Pound cake. What with all this wheat…I still have the sound of that word” said GLaDOS.

You need much more than just raw, unprocessed wheat berries to make a pound cake. Butter, milk, eggs; you don’t have any of that.

“I thought the cake was a lie” said Chell.

Maybe back in 2007, but that meme is a grandfather now.

“It actually wasn’t. You were just too stupid to find out where exactly I hid it” said GLaDOS..

Unless you stick around to the end of the credits of the first game.

“Well, I’m so sorry for not being a robotic A.I. that knows pretty much everything about this place Glady!” said Chell.

Chell is much more bitchier than I thought she would be.

“Please don’t call me that. It makes you sound like a little kid and me like a toy robot that a little kid plays with and not a dangerous, genocidal supercomputer.

That’s an oddly specific scenario to be referencing.

If you didn’t get all of that, I’m the queen of Aperture.

Who just voluntarily dethroned herself so she can bake a cake.

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2251: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 2

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the second chapter of this Portal fic! Since we started things off with the sun mysteriously going dark and GLaDOS building herself a feminine android body for reasons I don’t care to speculate on, I can’t even begin to imagine where this fic is going to go.

Let’s find out together, shall we?

It appears to start with some sort of Author’s Note in parentheses.

(Note. I recently got a guest review about the fact that if the sun did go out, then everything will slow down molecularly and stop.

Also known as FREEZING. The Earth itself probably wouldn’t stop; in fact, the sudden loss of solar gravity could cause the planet to slingshot off  into space unless it was attracted by another gravitational body.  So there’s that to look forward to, I guess.

The review in question actually states that if the Sun went out then all the energy would disappear and since everything has energy then everything would “perish into dust” and the entire universe would just … stop and vanish into nothingness. That also sounds scientifically dubious for numerous reasons.

So even if they do stay underground, they would still die.

It’s a toss-up as to whether or not they would freeze to death, or die from lack of air, water, food, or some combination of those. It all depends on how much time they had to prepare for the Sun going bye-bye.

I’ve got a question for him/her. How many times have you seen T in any of my fanfictions. She’s in almost if not all of them.

Yes, we’ve noticed. You have a real theme going on. And I thought these fanfics were being written via committee? Why is this Author’s Note in first-person?

This all takes place in HER MULTIVERSE. Here, if it wasn’t already obvious enough, things don’t work normally as she plays with the stories’ characters and plot to make anything work like it was always meant to be!

…Wow. The author’s not even going to pretend that their construct isn’t the most massive Sue to ever Sue. And she hasn’t even made it into the fic yet, so that’s quite a feat. Most authors at least try to defend their creations, but this author just flat out states that this entire universe involving multiple canons revolves completely around this Sue.

And even if she wasn’t behind it, this is the fictional game universe. Here, a normal person can punch a stone wall until it breaks and not feel anything.

Not in Portal.

Here, you can use seven glowing gems to turn into a basic demigod.

I think that’s from DragonBall Z, actually – not Portal.

Here, you can sit around and have a conversation with a pink blob who has the ability to eat the universe.

I have no idea what that’s from, but it isn’t Portal.

Here, a central star’s death would have little impact on the characters if they stay underground.

Which is just so much bullshit you could get rich selling it as organic compost.

So please don’t bother me when I’ve already explained that nothing follows real world physics and science!)

Which is ironic since Portal is a physics-based game.

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2245: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 1

 

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the start of a nice, long fic! Well, long-ish. There’s a lot of short chapters. And this particular fic is written by the author of the SubNautica/Sonic the Hedgehog fic that I worked on a while back, which is definitely a thing that exists. I poked around in the author’s other fics and they all seem to heavily feature the same Sue, Terminal Velocity (she prefers T), in various scenarios where she does the standard Sue things of being generally better than anyone. According to the author’s bio, there are actually several different people using the same account to write these fics;

IMPORTANT NOTICE. THE ACOUNT OF TERMINALVELOCITYRUNNER IS RUN BY SEVERAL PEOPLE. ONE WORKS ON YOUTUBE AND THE ASH AND ARCEUS SAGA AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE OTHER WORKS ON PORTAL FANFICTIONS AS HE KNOWS MUCH MORE ON THE TOPIC. ANOTHER ONE WORKS ON THE LEMONS AND LUDE SCENES YOU MAY FIND THROUGH OUR FICS. PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE THE THREE OR ANY OTHERS WE RECRUIT OR CONSIDER THEM THE SAME PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!

There doesn’t appear to be anyone on YouTube using that name, nor can I really tell that much of a difference between the fics. There’s some slight variations, but nothing that really looks as if it was written by a different person. However, it is always possible that there are several people writing similar bad fanfics about the same terrible character. Stranger things have happened.

Now, on to the actual fic and the fic summary!

What may have happened if the sun had gone out when Chell escaped from the Aperture Labs faculty.

…What?

Some of the information may not be accurate.

YA THINK?!?

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2240: Madness – Oneshot

 

Author: FreddysNightmare1984
Media: Movie/Book
Topic:  Cujo
Genre: Horror/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a very short little oneshot that is from a source material we’ve never covered before – Cujo.

Yeah, I was kind of surprised that there a Cujo fanfics, too. There aren’t very many by fanfic standards, but there are even a handful of crossovers. Hope you’re ready to see the word rabies so many times that it starts to look like a made-up word!

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the source materials, let me give you a brief synopsis;

Like most Stephen King works, the story revolves around the inhabitants of a Peculiar Small Town in Maine. The primary focus is on a young family – Vic and Donna, with their son Tad – who have just moved from New York City, but there are a handful of locals as well. Of primary concern is the Camber family – Joe, a local mechanic who happens to be an abusive asshat, his wife, Charity, and son Brett – who are the owners of the infamous Cujo. Joe, being an all around terrible person, doesn’t bother getting his dog vaccinated so when Cujo chases a rabbit into a small cave and subsequently gets bitten by a very startled bat, the poor Saint Bernard contracts rabies. Charity wins a small sum in the lottery and hides the fact from her husband while convincing him to let her take Brett to visit her sister for a week. Joe agrees, mainly so he can go whoring in Boston with his alcoholic neighbour Gary. Vic has to leave town for work due to a marketing disaster with a cereal that makes it look like you’re vomiting blood, so Donna takes their car (a Ford Pinto) to Joe’s for some repair work. Prior to her arrival, however, Cujo, driven mad by the virus running unchecked through his system, has attacked and killed Gary and Joe. Donna sees the dog acting strangely and tries to leave, but the Pinto (being a Pinto) breaks down, trapping Donna and Tad inside. There’s some more interpersonal relationship stuff that is really quite good despite the fact it was written while Stephen King was taking all the cocaine, but the main horror aspects are focused on Donna and Tad being trapped in the car, facing heatstroke and dehydration, while Cujo waits just outside. Donna does attempt to escape to the house to get help but is severely bitten, adding to their troubles. Vic comes home to find his house trashed and Donna and Tad missing, and it is first assumed that the ex-boyfriend Steve ransacked the place and kidnapped Donna and Tad so at first no one is even looking in the right place, and when a sheriff does finally visit the Camber house he is eventually killed by Cujo, thus prolonging their captivity. The book and movie differ on some points, but the basic facts (except for the ending) remain the same. It’s the sort of plot that would never occur to anyone in modern times, since the increasing sense of desperation and isolation would vanish with a single cell phone call.

Now that that’s over with, on to the fic! Since it’s short, let’s start with the summary.

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2233: Voice Above, Sky Within – Chapter 2

Author: commandork lexi
Media: Video Game
Topic:  The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the second (and last) chapter of this fic! I’m tempted to call it the first chapter, since the actual first chapter was little more than several repetitive character descriptions of the same two Sues. On that note, I’m not really going to bother summarizing the chapter so just know that there are two Sues in this fic; the Paragon version, Caelia, and the Renegade version, Azrael.

 

Onward to the fic!

 

Title: Voice Above, Sky Within

Rating: T

Pairings: F/F, Caeila/Lydia, Caeila/Aela, Azrael/Astrid, Azrael/Vex, Azrael/Sapphire, Iona/Vex

Which begins with another little title card and another list of characters that are going to get smashed together. I think it’s fairly telling that they are mostly are just one of the Sues paired with what I assume to be one of the author’s favorite female characters from the game. It makes me think that these two are characters from save files the author is using as SI Sues to hook up with their preferred characters.

Summary: Helgen was never the beginning. Before they became Dovahkiin, Caeila and Azrael spent most of their time in Skyrim as a part of a bandit group living in the forests surrounding Helgen.

Huh. There’s another summary, which I assume is the summary of this chapter.  I’m not sure why the bandits are based around Helgen, though. The Dragonborn gets arrested near the border – according to the Internet, the Imperial ambush is near Darkwater Crossing, in the hold of Eastmarch. That really doesn’t make sense to me since Darkwater is quite a ways from the border, but there is an Imperial camp near the border a short distance away so it isn’t too far-fetched.

;

Hello, misplaced punctuation, my old friend…

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2228: Voice Above, Sky Within – Chapter 1

 

Author: commandork lexi
Media: Video Game
Topic:  The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons! Now that it’s a new year, I can bring out another Skyrim fic without feeling like I’m driving the source materials into the ground.

I can’t help it. I love a good work of fiction with deep lore that also lets me shoot frost trolls repeatedly in the face with arrows. Any-hoo, let’s take a look at the summary and I’ll show you what attracted my attention to this fic.

Caeila grew up a warrior, a prodigy, a blue-blooded noblewoman destined for greatness (yet she only wanted freedom). Azrael was a troublemaker, a bastard, a reject of society on a downwards spiral (yet she only wanted redemption). It was the Imperial City that brought them together, but it is Helgen that keeps them inseperable. (Two Dragonborns, Femslash)

So this fic is going to feature not one, but what appears to be two special little snowflakes that have a lot of potential to be Sues. A Dragonborn (or dovahkiin) is a mortal born with the soul of a dragon; something so rare that prior to the events of Skyrim, there had been no known dovahkiin for centuries. The Elder Scrolls wiki only lists a handful of known dovahkiin – but also includes the entire Septim lineage, which I take issue with since the ability to be a dovahkiin does not appear to be an inherited trait but spontaneously occurs in the population. Having two dovahkiin appear in the same location at the same time is akin to having a unicorn crap out a leprechaun; a fantastical feat of luck that perplexes the hell out of you. It makes me wonder if the author wanted to have a character that was both a high-born aristocrat and a low-born thief but couldn’t figure out how to give one character two Tragek Backstories so they had to divide them into two characters. And possibly will have them make out with each other, which sounds a bit weird now.

Now, on to the fic!

Title: Voice Above, Sky Within

Rating: T

Which starts off with another title bit. Yay.

Pairings: F/F, Caeila/Lydia, Caeila/Aela, Azrael/Astrid, Azrael/Vex, Azrael/Sapphire, Iona/Vex

And has a long list of many female characters that will eventually hook up, like all good works of fiction. Wouldn’t Pride & Prejudice be a much better book if you knew in advance who was going to end up together at the beginning?

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