2036: She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapters 10 & 11

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 10
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another helping of Raptorpire and Co!

In the last chapter, Lex spun some terrible lies and then revealed some truths in an even more terrible way, Lex and the boys did some car things to a Jeep twice as old as they are, we found out that Carlisle is actually the director of the VH Project, and there’s even more human/raptor hybrids running around on the island.

I think that was the highlights. To the fic!

Carlisle had delivered slips to each of the remaining victims of Project VH. He’d watched them leave on the ferries.

Huh. I guess there isn’t going to be a Sue Squad. Kind of makes me wonder why the author felt the need to introduce these characters if they were just going to be put on a bus (or ferry) immediately.

He was relieved to see that they were safe. If only he could just get Lex and the rest of his family off of the island. He walked back into the hotel to see Alice leading the rest of his family and a disgruntled Rosalie.

Why not send the human members of the Family Blob away? The sparklepires and werewolves can probably handle themselves if they work together, but the squishy humans are in very real danger.

“Carlisle!” Alice’s angelic face was distraught and she hugged her father figure.

That’s a weirdly purple way to phrase things.

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2018: She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapter 7

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hey there, dear Patrons, and welcome to the riff of the year! (Literally.) Just kidding, it’s another chapter of the Wonderful World of Magical DNA.

Not much happened in the last chapter, just the Family Blob getting a vague idea of where Lex might be based on Charlie’s remote cell phone tracking app of dubious legality.

Now, to the fic!

“So your grandfather sponsored both parks?” Gray asked as they continued to hike through the jungle.

…Wha?

“Yeah,” Lex answered. “He was a friend of John Hammond’s.”

“Must be pretty old,” Zach commented.

This is a weird discussion for them to be having – or partially having, since they seem to be in the middle of it right now.  I don’t think either of the boys would have asked Lex any questions about her grandfather in passing while they are running for their lives from a vicious dinosaur, so she must have deliberately brought it up. For what purpose I know not, but it smells faintly of a Sue’s self-important bragging to me.

“Doesn’t look it,” Lex admitted. “A lot of plastic surgery. Get this, they even manipulated their skin to make it sparkle in the light.”

Is that really the explanation that Lex is going to use to explain the sparklepires’ sparkle?  And what does that even mean? That they had some kind of special plastic surgery to embed glitter in their skin? It makes zero sense. The narration has already made it clear that Lex knows her adoptive family are sparklepires, so either the author forgot or this is Lex’s lame attempt at explaining why there family twinkles in the sun so that the Volturi don’t come after them.

“They sparkle?” the boys chorused.

Yes, and it’s completely ridiculous.

Lex nodded and smirked.

:distant explosions:

I didn’t hear that.

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2013: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapter 6

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back, sweet Patrons, to another chapter of magical genetic hijinks!

In the last chapter, Lex avoided her family and participated in some plot regurgitation that just so happened to get her in close proximity to the obligatory attractive young man (and his little brother) from the secondary plotline of the film. The chapter left the three running for their lives from Indominus and presumably about to jump over a waterfall into a conveniently placed lagoon.

To the fic!

Lex took care not to run too fast, for fear of revealing her raptor heritage.

Could just be me, but I’m fairly certain that being able to run fast would not make people instantly assume you are a raptor/human hybrid, probably because most people aren’t going to be thinking about raptor/human hybrids while running from several tons of apex predator.

I’m almost afraid to know what she means by “revealing” her raptor heritage. I assume that her body transforms into a more raptor-like shape to make her go faster, since how fast a species can run is tied to how the muscles and bones are structured. Dromaeosaurs like the velociraptor had light bones, proportionally long legs, with fewer bones in their feet and less surface area on the soles, and stood on their tiptoes (digitgrade) unlike flat-footed (plantigrade) humans. Humans are built for stability, not speed; we are persistence hunters, not sprinters.

You would think something like a total restructuring of her legs would have been mentioned in the medical report.

She knew she had to help them survive, though, so she grabbed their hands and dragged them along,

Which would probably have the opposite effect and jerk them off-balance, making them fall down. However, if the plan was to distract Indominus by giving the dinosaur a couple of tasty treats, job well done.

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2008: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapter 5

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello and Happy Friday the Thirteenth, dear Patrons!

In the last chapter, raptorpire Lex was tossed into a pen of actual raptors and was struck by the realization that she is part raptor after hearing the raptors talk  – because languages are apparently an inherited trait now.

:eye-twitch:

Never going to stop being pissed off about that. But I guess when your main character is a raptor-human hybrid trying to come up with a plausible way to reveal that information to them is a little problematic.

“What do you mean, she’s missing?” Bella’s frantic voice shrieked a little too loudly for Claire Dearing’s pleasure on the cellphone.

If the girl is missing, then Claire’s eardrum discomfort is probably the last thing on anyone’s mind. Also; how did they lose her? She ran away, sure, and apparently got out of the raptor pen through unknown means,  but the park should be full of security cameras – especially around the dinosaur pens, since they have a nasty habit of escaping. They should at least have a general idea of where she went.

“Ms. Cullen, let me assure you that we are doing everything in our power to retrieve your child,” she said, only to be interrupted by a chirp on her phone.

That sounds really ominous. Like they are going to scrape up as much of Lex’s bits as they can find but aren’t expecting to find much.

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2003: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapter 4

 

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the fourth chapter of this Twilight/Jurassic Park crossover! Feels weird saying that, considering this is only the second riff, but some of the chapters are quite short – and there was that whole medical … form … thing … in the beginning that served as a character introduction for Lex.

Now, on to the next chapter!

“We’re glad to see you here, Alexis,” Dr. Wu said. “We’ve been expecting you for quite some time.”

…Which apparently begins halfway through the same scene cut off at the end of the last chapter.

“I don’t follow,” Lex said, raising an eyebrow.

Yeah, that’s the sort of weirdly ominous dialogue that a super-villain would spout while twirling their mustache. It’s not going to make Lex want to trust Dr. Wu.

“You will, you will,” he said with a pat on the head.

She’s thirteen, not three.

“We’ll be taking you out to Paddock 7 shortly.

That’s going to be your new home! Hope you like sleeping in a pile of leaves.

They’ve been moving a new asset out to the Verizon Wireless-sponsored paddock,

Which, ironically, doesn’t have a number even though it is sponsored by a phone company.

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1998: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapters 1-3

 

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the start of a new fic! This is one I’ve mentioned a few times recently, and now I’ve finally got around to it – the infamous Twilight/Jurassic Park crossover!

Yes, it exists. And here’s the summary;

Alexis Cullen was an adopted human member of the Cullens. Little did she know of her identity as VH1- the first human/raptor combination. She goes on what seems like an all-expenses paid trip to Jurassic World, and discovers nasty truths about her family.

Perhaps it’s just me, but when I see VH1 all I can think about is the video channel that was like the old-people version of MTV (this was back in the day when MTV and the like played actual music videos instead of constant reality shows).

The first chapter isn’t really a chapter, but more of a character bio/lab report.

Form VH1

InGen Co.

Name: Alexis Johanna Cullen

Birthdate:07/14/01

Sex: F

This was posted in 2016, so that makes her about fourteen to fifteen years old. I really hope there’s not going to be any squicky human/raptor romances going on, but I’ve read quite a few of these already so I’m not going to hold my breath.

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1993: Smurfed Out – Chapters 1 & 2

 

Title: Smurfed Out
Author: Nigel Yearning
Media: TV Show
Topic: Smurfs
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: Chapter 1
URL:  Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

—WARNING—

—CONTAINS VAGUE MENTIONS OF SEX—

 

 

 

Hello once again, my dear Patrons.

I was sorting through my pile and decided to dust off a fic from an author who brought us the most … “unique” zombie outbreak I’ve ever seen – it’s the one in which the zombie contagion was caused by an infectious explosion. This particular author has written numerous Smurfs fics that all star the same protagonist, an OC green Smurf Stu called Chernov who does all manner of implausible badassery. I assume this fic will follow the same pattern.

Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

An OC smurfette thought her boyfriend wasn’t satisfied with sex, so she decided to use a commodity offered by Papa Smurf to fix the problem.

Huh. Maybe Chernov isn’t in this one and there’s going to be a female OC instead. Unless the boyfriend is Chernov. That also seems likely.

Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else

Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters

Right. I forgot the author includes these … things in front of every chapter.

It had been nearly two years, two years of an relationship that had been somewhat either successful or disastrous.

Thanks for that description that could apply to literally any relationship ever.

Long ago, the smurfs had met their sub-species of smurfs.

…Wha?

First it was the leader named Chernov Reznov, a 10 centimeter tall grass green smurf that wore camouflage and a head of brown hair.

Dammit. Chernov is in the fic. But why is he wearing a head of brown hair? Is he a headhunter and that’s one of his trophies?

Very lean, intelligent, ignorant, and most of all, one who prefers to be left alone.

Y’know, ignorance really isn’t a quality people look for in a leader. Well, unless you live in America. It seems like we can’t get enough of some dumbasses.

His half brothers and sisters, grass green smurfs and smurfettes, were more sociable and were more smurf-like.

Wait, the other green Smurfs are only his half-siblings? That doesn’t really jibe with what I know of Smurf procreation (once every blue moon a stork brings a new Smurf) but I guess these are going to be “special” Smurfs.

However, all green smurfs were more human in behavior than smurf.

So they’re all opinionated assholes?

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