2562: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the second half of Sweet Disaster, which is proving to be not at all sweet but indeed pretty damn disastrous.

Last time, Lady ‘Kalmon Filter’s dad wandered into the unclearly-explained facility where Nakastura lives, and raged around a bunch because he couldn’t find his daughter, but then she showed up and was all “BECUZ I LUV HIM!!!!” and that calmed her old man down somehow. Also Nakastura and his sister routinely beat up the Marines under their command for really no reason. And that was about it.

This story is sliding into nothing-fic territory incredibly quickly, and if I’d known that going in instead of assuming it’d all be as ridiculous as the first scene I don’t think I’d’ve riffed it. After all, if I wanted to read more edgy imbeciles screaming about nothing much while the plot grinds to a halt to accommodate them, I’d’ve just kept on with First War.

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2557: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 2

Title: Sweet Disaster
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the second half of Sweet Disaster, which is proving to be not at all sweet but indeed pretty damn disastrous.

Last time, we were treated to an extended interlude involving the hangover of one “Kane Nakamura”, an edgy UNSC employee of unclear rank or section who has a variety of accents, ‘nanomachines’ in his blood, and a cybernetic arm that even Freddy Kruger is looking at and being like “Dude, chill with the random knives on everything”. He woke up in bed with a horny Elite named “Lady ‘Kalmon”, who apparently lives next the base they are apparently on, and had apparently completely trashed Nakastura’s room the night before. Not a lot actually happened after that other than Nakastura’s disturbingly-sexualized half sister (who is some kind of a captain) showing up in his room and cursing him out for the whole “slept with Lady Kalman Filter” thing, and apparently Daddy Kalman Filter is wandering around outside breaking stuff.

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2553: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 1

Title: Sweet Disaster
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! Today we continue my vacation from The First War with yet another ‘fic from my Massive Pile of Hideous Fem!Elite Halo ‘Fics, in this case the… appropriately-titled “Sweet Disaster” by some random dude(?) with a RWBY OC as his avatar and a whopping one-hundred-and-seven ‘fics on his profile. Most of them are dubious anime-focused shipfics, which apparently he got paid for since the majority of his profile page is an advertisement to take commissions at 0.01 cents per word (or possibly 0.03 cents per word, depending on where on the page you are looking).

This one, though, appears to be a self-motivated effort.

Unfortunately.

I would have paid him 0.05 cents per word to delete every trace of it so that I never have to deal with it again.

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2504: Don’t Loose Your Way – Halo NG — One Shot

Title: Don’t Loose Your Way – Halo NG
Author: Queen_of_Derp
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Humor/Friendship/Adventure/Hurt-Comfort… I think?
URL: Entire Story
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! Continuing with our Halo theme for these one-shots, here’s something called Don’t Loose Your Way – Halo NG [sic] from ArchiveOfOurOwn!

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2498: halo: CHAOS and HARMONY — One Shot

Title: halo: CHAOS and HARMONY
Author: FXCF
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Sci-Fi/Suspense
URL: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, and Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! I was going to riff another chapter of First War since we are nearly at the halfway point of that stupid thing, but I didn’t think I could finish the next one in only two riffs and that’s how many I have before the Library Holiday Special (have I mentioned recently that First War is LONG?) so I decided to do some random one-shots I had kicking around instead.

First on the chopping-block are all 2500 words (and four chapters!) of FXCF’s weirdly-capitalized offering halo: CHAOS and HARMONY. Read the rest of this entry »


2258: Halo: Reaching Out! — Chapter 2

Title: Halo: Reaching Out!
Author: xNamikazeKyuubix
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the enthusiastically-titled Halo: Reaching Out!

Previously the story teetered alarmingly close to adequacy when it revealed itself not to be a self-insert in the classical sense like its description claimed, but rather just a regular first-person story centered around Noble Six surviving his last stand at the end of Halo: Reach and trying to get off the planet.

“…”

Hey, I never said it was novel or in any way particularly interesting, just that it had no massive glaring defects. Aside from Six’s red-n-black amour ARMOR and annoying tendency to spell out terms like “Heads’ Up Display” and “Designated Marksman Rifle” that anyone who’s been exposed to military science fiction or just video games in general for more than two seconds would already be familiar with.

Anyway, Six eventually managed to board a Phantom and befriend the pilot, the story’s designated Girl Elite Love Interest who immediately decided to rebel against the Covenant because the constant hundrum sexism of Sangheili culture (which is blamed on the Prophets for some reason) has left her So Numb She Can’t Hit Those Notes. And all this was glued together with a big fat blob of action filler, the TV-dinner mashed potatoes of Halo fanfiction. Let’s see if Chapter 2 manages to completely escape from the sucking pit of mediocrity, or does a nose-dive right back into it!

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2254: Halo: Reaching Out! — Chapter 1

Title: Halo: Reaching Out!
Author: xNamikazeKyuubix
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to the very… enthusiastically-titled Halo: Reaching Out! by… *squints at author name* “Ex nammik-ayze Kai-you-bix”???

“… Is it a porno?”

No?

“Because that sounds like a porno parody title.”

At least I don’t think it was ever intended to proceed to pornography. It is in the ‘romance’ category, though.

“… Some poor fucker’s gonna try to bone his ship’s AI, isn’t he.”

Not exactly. Welcome to the weird, weird world of Halo fem!Elite ‘fics.

“Aw Christ.”

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