Hello my lovelies!
I’ve decided to do a rotating update schedule for a little bit, to break up the pure insanity that is “Betrayal.” One can only take so much of that sort of stupid before one’s eyes go crossed. So, to break it up, I’m going to introduce you to “THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING,” a fic which is apparently yelling at us from the get go.
A quick glance at the profile shows that the author is fully capable of not using all-caps to type out fic titles, so I have no idea why they chose to do it this time. If you’d like to take a peek at the profile, be ready for the pretentious ramblings of a supposedly late-30’s obsessive Fright Night fan. Twenty-three of their twenty-four fics are Fright Night. The twenty-fourth you will be reading shortly.
Now, before we begin, I would like to say that this is a hell of a lot easier to read than “Betrayal.” That doesn’t make it better; it’s just bad in different ways. It contains questionable grammar choices and a character that made my Sue-dar buzz before I even finished reading the summary.
Before we begin, I’ll give a brief, spoiler-ridden summary of “The Princess Bride,” for anyone living under a rock these last 30 years. (And yes, Taco, this is all your fault for selecting the novel “The Princess Bride” for our family book club. I’ve just finished it and it made me realize we have not yet touched this fandom in our Library.)
Anyway, the book varies a bit from the movie but, as the author of the book also wrote the screen play, it stays relatively true to the source material. But there are a couple little differences. Given that this fic takes place in the movie-verse, I’m not going to bother pointing out variations between the book and movie. I’ll just go strictly by what happens in the movie. And that is, essentially, this:
Jenny from Forest Gump falls in love with Robin Hood, who is killed off screen. She then has to marry the voice of Jack Skellington because he’s the prince and she’s supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The prince, however, is a giant douche-hat, and hires Rex, the dinosaur from Toy Story, to kidnap and kill her, all while framing their neighboring country so they can have a nice war. Rex uses a pro-wrestler and a young Jason Gideon from Criminal Minds to accomplish this. Rhyming ensues. Then Robin Hood shows up out of nowhere because he’s not dead, he’s a pirate! He defeats Jason and the pro-wrestler but leaves them alive, then kills Rex in a match of wits that was really cheating because “Oh, I’m immune to poison LOL!” Jenny finds out who Robin Hood really is, they get kissy, then they run into a swamp to avoid the voice of Jack Skellington. In the swamp, Jenny nearly gets them both killed because useless, then a small guy in a rat suit tries to eat Robin Hood, they escape the swamp, get captured by the voice of Jack Skellington, Jenny tries to bargain for Robin Hood’s life, gets fooled because still useless, and Robin Hood ends up being the play thing of a guy who seems to be best known for impersonating a member of Spinal Tap named Nigel. Robin Hood gets killed by a machine created by Fake!Nigel, Jenny and the voice of Jack Skellington get married, and the pro-wrestler and Jason Gideon take Robin Hood’s body to Billy Crystal in order to bring him back to life. The 3 now-allies storm the castle by lighting the pro-wrestler on fire while he’s in a wheelbarrow (this totally works). Jason Gideon kills Fake!Nigel in revenge for Fake!Nigel killing Jason Gideon Senior, Robin Hood saves Jenny, and the pro-wrestler finds some horses they can all ride away on. The voice of Jack Skellington is, as of the end of the movie, tied to a chair, left to live knowing he was defeated by Robin Hood and his merry men.
Oh, and the whole thing is actually being read to the kid from The Wonder Years by his grandfather, Columbo.
Got it? Okay, let’s go!
Hello, lovelies! After some consideration (not a whole lot, mind you, just some) I’m dropping SONIC HIGH SCHOOL. It was sapping my will to live and just wasn’t funny anymore. So good riddance to the trollfic. Let’s get back to the crackfic I’m doing, instead!
Last time, Sakura ran into Ino, who was turned into a moss-covered cat. Ino told Sakura that she has a demon inside of her and then Sakura fake-exploded, the author threw a random-ass note into the middle of the fic explaining that Sakura didn’t actually explode, made fun of Ino, and then resumed the story. Sakura decides to follow Ino’s advice of skipping town and we find out that Ino is actually serving a dark master (that the author reveals in her author’s notes to be Madara Uchiha, because what the hell is suspense and mystery about, right?)
With that, let’s start the next chapter, which is really an author’s note, because Darksakudragon doesn’t put enough author’s notes before, during, halfway through, and at the end of the prose as it is.
I’m sorry. I’m so, so very sorry. I can’t apologize enough for what I’m about to subject you to, my poor lovelies. Welcome to “Betrayal.”
“Betrayal” hails from the Naruto section of ff.net. Koori has been conspicuously absent since I mentioned I was going to look into riffing this fic, but I’m sure she’ll show up periodically to rage at the story for it’s numerous inaccuracies. I won’t bother infodumping before we get started since I’ve done Naruto fics in here before.
Let’s dive in.
Lina: You’re joking, right? We’re still doing this?
Yeah, I know. Life got a little sticky and I haven’t had the chance to find anything else to work on. Hell, I’ve had a hard enough time getting guest riffs scheduled, as I’m sure everyone has noticed.
Lina: Yeah, you did sort of fuck that all up, didn’t you.
I’d be mad at you for that, but it’s true. Anyway, the last time we met-
Lina: Eons ago.
-Tails and Cream had a study session that ended without sexy-times.
Lina: Thank God.
Did anything else happen? I honestly can’t remember.
Lina: I honestly don’t think it matters.
Let’s just get to the next chapter, then.
Title: Master of the Universe
Author: E.L. James
Critiqued by Angie and Lyle
*covers face* I don’t know how to defend this one, guys. I really don’t.
Lyle: *walks in with a giant bag of gummy worms* What’s this you’ve found? *reads intro stats* E. L. James…. Why does that sound familiar….
She’s the…she wrote that super bad BDSM trilogy ‘Fifty Shades’. It’s also that movie, with like…Dakota Something and Jamie Whatsisface.
Lyle: Oh. Her. I didn’t realize she wrote more than that.
Actually, she really didn’t. It’s the exact same story, it’s just a Twilight fic instead of something original. It’s the exact same thing as Fifty Shades, word per word basically, just with changed names.
Lyle: *looks at the bag of gummy worms and then hands them to Angie* I’m going to need something stronger than this. You go ahead and get started. I’ll be back in a minute.
Oh no, Lyle. I’ve got alcohol right here. *opens cabinet built into desk* But if you must, I’ll get a head start.
Lyle: I was thinking coffee but that works, too. *grabs a bottle of wine from the cabinet, pops the cork, and takes a swig right from it.*
Well, guess there’s no use fighting it anymore. Let’s dive into the “fan fiction”, Master of the Universe.
Lina: You just can’t quit this, can you?
It’s more than I’m lazy and this has more chapters. Shall we get on with it?
Lina: Sure. Last time, Sonic and Tails have a lover’s spat, then Knuckles and Espio capoeira’ed around each other for a bit before making out in the hallway. That’s about it.
This next chapter is called “Tails and Cream.”
Lina: I thought that sobbing voicemail you left me meant you weren’t doing this fic again until you found something else to work on.
I ran out of time to find another one. That’s why you’re here today.
Lina: I’m not doing this on my own. I only have a half-hour break from work.
You make your own hours.
Lina: Yeah, and I made it so I only have half an hour so I won’t have to riff this with you for very long.
Touché. Well, shall we?
Lina: What did I miss?
Rouge had her baby in the cafeteria over lunch time, Knuckles was the father, Shadow killed-not-killed his mother in order to protect her from Eggman, Amy’s room was rearranged, and Espio and Knuckles are going to have a throw down because they both slept with Rouge.
Lina: … Bloody hell.