Taco had a busy week and was unable to get his riff ready for today. We currently have no guest riffs in line for posting, either. Batjamags suggested that, when this happens, we could do a little bit of an advice column to help out up-and-coming writers improve their skills.
I’ve chosen for my advice specialty “dialogue and character interactions.” I’ve been told before by people that they really enjoy how my characters interact with each other, both in my fanfic writing as well as my original works. While this doesn’t make me an expert, I think I’m good enough at it that I could help out those who struggle with this aspect of writing. Let’s do this!
Warning: NSFW due to poorly written sexy times
Hello, my lovelies. Today, I’m doing something really dangerous. I’m riffing an active fic. That’s right. As of snagging this fic from ff.net, the last update was on July 18th, 2018. In fact, when I grabbed it, the most recent chapter had been up for a whopping 4 hours.
Normally, I pick a fic that’s a bit older. It’s had time to ruminate in the first stomach of the bovine that is the interwebs. It’s ripe and stinky and has been molding like a fine cheese. This time, however, when I went to ff.net with the intent of finding some good Underworld fics to read (don’t judge me!) and this one was at the very top of the list when I applied my filters*.
*English language and all ratings, if you must know. I wasn’t looking for anything specific.
Since I was looking for a fic to read for pleasure, I just started at the top. One look at the summary and I knew I’d found my next Library project.
Lovelies, I present to you “Hybrid of the Underworld.”
You guys ready for this?
Welcome to ZERO HOUR, because apparently I like fics with all caps titles. ZH hails from the confusing “crossover” section of ff.net. As you’ve probably noticed from the stats up there, it is a crossover of Underworld, Terminator, and, I shit you not, That 70’s Show. I’ll do a very brief SC-Style Infodump for you guys before we dive in.
I’ve covered Underworld on here before but it was a few years ago. Underworld is a supernatural vampire/werewolf franchise starring Kate Beckinsale and Kate Beckinsale’s bustier. It’s about vampires and werewolves that are trying to kill each other due to old feuds. Then a hybrid of the two species is created, more shit hits more fans, and we get a few sequels and a prequel. I might seem a little derisive, but I actually really like the Underworld series. The most you really need to know is that it’s about sexy vampires and sexy werewolves having sexy-times and fighting each other.
Terminator, for those living under a rock, is a franchise about robots known as terminators being sent through time to kill off the ancestors of the people who will eventually defeat the sentient robot overlords that tried to destroy humanity. The first ones star the former governor of California, hence why everyone called him The Governator when he was in office. I don’t know much about the rest of the movies or the shows that have spun off it, but it’s all about the same general idea. Skynet wants to take over the world and kill off all the humans. Humans don’t want this to happen. A few terminators get their wires crossed and want to help humanity. The Conner family is important.
Now, a crossover of Terminator and Underworld isn’t very far fetched. If Skynet can send a robot back in time, why not into another dimension or reality? Where this story gets weird is the inclusion of That 70’s Show.
T70S was a prime-time sitcom about a group of high school aged kids in the 1970’s, and the shenanigans they get into during the course of their young lives. It has absolutely nothing to do with either of the incredibly dark themes of the other source materials. It’s the show that started the careers of Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and Laura Prepon.
This particular story caught my eye not only because it was the only Underworld/T70S crossover on FF.net, but also because the summary is as batshit as the premise.
Let’s do this thing.
URL: Chapter- Oh, fuck it. I give up on what chapter we’re on.
Critiqued by Lyle
Hey, howdy, hi, my lovelies!
It’s been a while since we gathered together for this fic so I’ll do a recap and then we will dive right in.
Last time, we had an author’s note that tried to excuse the author’s weird-ass mid-chapter author’s notes. Then we had a chapter where Sakura threw a tantrum because someone in the Akatsuki stole her diary. Yup.
Hello, lovelies! As promised, Lina is getting today off. Koori is busy trying to teach the honey badger that lives under my desk… something. I’m honestly not sure what she’s trying to teach it. Knowing her, it’s best not to ask. I’m sure it’s ridiculous, and that she will succeed.
Now, onto today’s recap and riff. Last time on PB:LiW, Fauna twirled her mustache some more, Humperdumb had to pee, and Fauna proved, yet again, that she has the common sense of an inebriated wildebeest. We left off with her spying on servants that were moving the infamous pink and blue dresses into the bridal suite.
2032 Betrayal – Chapter Eight (Which Is Chapter Nine, But Isn’t Even a Chapter) and Chapter Nine (Which Is Really Chapter Eight But Is Listed as Chapter Ten)Posted: May 14, 2018
*walks into the riffing chamber carrying an extra large coffee in each hand*
Good morning, lovelies!
*sits down at her desk and takes a sip from each drink*
Lina has bribed me to keep her out of today’s riff after what I did to her last week. I am okay with this.
*takes another drink of her coffees before setting them both down on the desk and rubbing her hands together*
I have a treat and a half for you guys today. We’re going to get through more than one chapter of this rhinoceros excrement! Hold your collective groans for after the riff, please. Let’s recap, then get to it.
Last time on “Betrayal,” Sakura and Shikamaru joined the Akatsuki because why the fuck not?
I have such mixed feelings about this fic. On one hand, thank god it’s more coherent than Betrayal. On the other hand, not this shit again.
The things I do for you, my lovelies.
Last time, Lina was good enough to take over the riffing of this fic for me. This time, she told me to bugger off with a rusty spoon and threatened to shove a scone “somewhere entirely unpleasant” if I dared try to drag her into today’s riff. So I hog-tied her with some Vampire-Proof Rope™. Say hello to the readers, Lina.
Lina: *tied to her chair, arms pinioned at her sides* Fuck off, ya cunt.
Ooo, someone is testy today. Why don’t you recap what happened in the last riff; it might make you feel better.
Lina: *in a high, whining voice* I hate pink! I hate blue! You’re all so stupid!
Yeah, that sound about right.