Welcome back to
Raptor and I Life with Raptors Adopted! The totally-not-a-ripoff-of-other-ripoffs fic! With me again as my raptor correspondent is Eliza! Say hello, Eliza.
You didn’t do the joke.
*Taco heaves a sigh* Recap?
“One of my lesser kin, Sharifa, tried to eat cola can and
Rae May Anna had to come in and save her by cramming an arm down her throat. I think that was it.”
Well, that does gloss over the half-chapter of padding where Anna was supar skerd of the raptors! And the other half where he boss had to wake her up to do something that should have been the Veterinarian’s job.
Anyway, let’s see what the next chapter is all about.
Chapter Four: Gunpoint
I suppose it’s too much hope for that the raptors get their claws on some guns.
“Raptors have talons, not claws.”
Technically talons are just a kind of claw.
“Technically humans taste wonderful!”
Talons it is.
Hey, folks! Welcome back to Adopted! Another Raptor and I clone that’s not even trying to pretend it isn’t a Raptor and I clone!
“Hopefully this week we will get to see more raptors.”
Even if we do, I’m not so sure they count as raptors.
“Last time we got introduced to our new Rae! This model of Rae is referred to as Anna and is the kennel help variety as opposed as the original botany flavor. The first thing Anna does when arriving in the island is ignore everyone and then notice the dinosaurs. After that, we went over to the newest model of Sorin called Fitzroy. He banters with his sister over dinner, complains about the parental pressure to marry, and then makes a bet with his sister over that involves sexually assaulting Nedry as the stakes.”
You make it sound so good.
This week opens with the now standard author’s note featuring her copy-pasted disclaimer and a gaggle of responses to her reviews. We’re just going to skip all-
Hey guys, welcome back to Wednesday! Now that we’ve finally put Heroes and Villains behind us, it’s time for a month or so of palate cleansers. You know what that means: One-sho-
*Eliza slips into the room holding a fic in her talons. It’s bound in heavy chains with a plethora of locks holding them fast.*
No. Put that away. I’m not going to do that one.
“But you promised everyone. It’s been enough time, Taco, you have to do it.”
But, those fics are so bad, I don’t wanna!
“I’ll help if you like. I do have some insight into this particular set of fics.”
No! Go get something else.
“You can have this Caramel Macchiato I picked up from Lina’s.” *Eliza holds out a Suddenly There™ cup of coffee.*
*Taco eyes up the coffee*
Fine, you win. Pop it on the screen and let’s do this thing. Patrons, this week we have for you Adopted, one of the many fics directly inspired by Raptor and I. For those of you who have been here a while, or have read through our massive archive of riffs-
“Or have read the minions page.”
Yes, or that. Anyway, those of you who’ve done one of those will recognize that fic as the one Eliza was rescued from.
“The same one you tried to put me back into.”
It’s been over three years, let it go.
Title: MLP Jurassic Equestria
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic / Jurassic Park
Genre: Drama / Horror
URL: MLP Jurassic Equestria
Critiqued by Darth Overlord (Retired) Crunchy
*Crunchy stalks into the room and peers around*
I suppose it was too much to hope that he was hiding in here. No matter, let us see what the girls have picked out for me. Hmm, “MLP Jurassic Equestia.”
Obviously I was unkind to something in a past life. Which is entirely likely as I have been unkind to a great many in this one.
Hello, gentle patrons, you might notice that Taco is conspicuously absent this week. After fleeing from the scene of last week’s riff, he managed to give the Darkwraiths the slip and is very likely hiding in one of the sub-levels. Since not even I know how many of those we have down there, it could be quite some time before they find him. He seems quite dedicated to not being found because announcing a free donut and coffee hour at Lina’s shack did not flush him into the open.
It is equally likely that he’s off gallivanting through time with Doc Brown again. Such things happen around here. As for why I am sitting in this week, well, the girls made a deal that I would not have to help with the search efforts if I took over in here for the week.
We shall see if that turned out to be a wise choice on my part. There appears to be a note here from Eliza, so we should start there.
“Hi! We found this fic while cruising for something you could do. It’s actually a remake of an older fic called My Little Pony: Jurassic World. The older fic is indeed much worse, but also a lot shorter, so we sent you the newer version!”
Charming. Oh well, there is a summary, so we might as well get an idea of what we are in for.
Twilight and her friend and now on a new adventure to on the island Isla Nublar where they go in jurassic world a theme park 65 million years in the making on the way they meet new faces like owen gredy and Claire Dearing.
Hsssssssssssss! The grammar burns us!
I can see already that this is based on the most recent addition to the Jurassic Park franchise, so I imagine the author will not be able to resist making a wide array of references to the various bits of internet “humor” that have cropped up in the wake of the movie. Imagine my delight at that particular prospect.
“Why does it say there’s a sequel?”
Well, because there is. Sorta. Luckily, it’s not very long.
“I shall hold you to that.”
Welcome back, patrons! This is it: the last chapter! We’re all very excited here. Our resident bird precursors have been spending all week preparing the festivities, so look forward to the afterparty.
“Gumdrop! These cookies need more pteranodon! And don’t skimp on the minced anklyosaur when frosting the cake!”
She may not be able to cook, but her palate is refined far beyond her years.
Last time on Life with Raptors we got to see one of the most tragic moments of any fic we’ve ever riffed. A poor, innocent T. Rex cut down in her prime by a cruel and evil Gary Stu raptor.
*Sniff* “It was horrible!”
On the bright side, Seth fell off the cliff onto the rocky beach below. At least, it would be a bright side, but we all know better than that, don’t we?
Well, we’re in the home stretch now, folks. Just two more chapters and we’ll have put yet another raptor romance fic behind us. Dinosaur cookies and brain bleach coctails will be served at the reception after the last installment. But until then, we’ve got another chapter to tackle. With me again is Eliza, one of our resident experts on the subject of raptors.
“I’m now in 3D!”
Last time on Life with Raptors, May spent a lot of time stockpiling for a hurricane. Like, a lot of time. Not sure why she thought she needed all the crap she gathered, seeing as tropical storms typically blow over in only a day or two at most, but apparently she likes to be well stocked. And by well stocked, I mean sitting on top of a pile of grass, twigs, and rotting food. Meanwhile she also rigged up a new door to the Tree Cave. Made out of an untanned dinosaur skin.
“Tree Cave’s new name is Stank-Hole.”
Meanwhile Seth and company finally have a half-decent hunt. And by that I mean they find something already dead and tuck-in. Still, way better than they’d been doing up to that point. Anyway, through a point of sheer contrivance, this scavenged corpse also happened to be the one May cut her door from. So Seth used her scent from that carcass to track her down, at which point they were reunited.
“You forgot the best part!”
“May beat Seth with a stick!”
Ahh, yes. How could I forget?
Hello and welcome back to Life with Raptors, the Jurassic Park fic that’s lean on the Jurassic Park and heavy on the Edward Cullen Raptor Expy. As usual, sitting co-pilot is Eliza. Say hello, Eliza.
You ruined the joke.
“Yes I did.”
Last time May and Seth had their falling out. It’s basically the same one that Rae and Sorin have, but for a different reason this time. Once again, the Tree-Cave makes its appearance, but this time without Josh or a rampaging Tyrannosaurus. May spends some time doing some ‘survival,’ if that is what you can call that mess of incompetence we were treated to.
Oh, and Seth also has a PCC brand Prophetic Dream of Foreshadowing™. And that was pretty much it. Read the rest of this entry »