Title: MLP Jurassic Equestria
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic / Jurassic Park
Genre: Drama / Horror
URL: MLP Jurassic Equestria
Critiqued by Darth Overlord (Retired) Crunchy
*Crunchy stalks into the room and peers around*
I suppose it was too much to hope that he was hiding in here. No matter, let us see what the girls have picked out for me. Hmm, “MLP Jurassic Equestia.”
Obviously I was unkind to something in a past life. Which is entirely likely as I have been unkind to a great many in this one.
Hello, gentle patrons, you might notice that Taco is conspicuously absent this week. After fleeing from the scene of last week’s riff, he managed to give the Darkwraiths the slip and is very likely hiding in one of the sub-levels. Since not even I know how many of those we have down there, it could be quite some time before they find him. He seems quite dedicated to not being found because announcing a free donut and coffee hour at Lina’s shack did not flush him into the open.
It is equally likely that he’s off gallivanting through time with Doc Brown again. Such things happen around here. As for why I am sitting in this week, well, the girls made a deal that I would not have to help with the search efforts if I took over in here for the week.
We shall see if that turned out to be a wise choice on my part. There appears to be a note here from Eliza, so we should start there.
“Hi! We found this fic while cruising for something you could do. It’s actually a remake of an older fic called My Little Pony: Jurassic World. The older fic is indeed much worse, but also a lot shorter, so we sent you the newer version!”
Charming. Oh well, there is a summary, so we might as well get an idea of what we are in for.
Twilight and her friend and now on a new adventure to on the island Isla Nublar where they go in jurassic world a theme park 65 million years in the making on the way they meet new faces like owen gredy and Claire Dearing.
Hsssssssssssss! The grammar burns us!
I can see already that this is based on the most recent addition to the Jurassic Park franchise, so I imagine the author will not be able to resist making a wide array of references to the various bits of internet “humor” that have cropped up in the wake of the movie. Imagine my delight at that particular prospect.
“Why does it say there’s a sequel?”
Well, because there is. Sorta. Luckily, it’s not very long.
“I shall hold you to that.”
Welcome back, patrons! This is it: the last chapter! We’re all very excited here. Our resident bird precursors have been spending all week preparing the festivities, so look forward to the afterparty.
“Gumdrop! These cookies need more pteranodon! And don’t skimp on the minced anklyosaur when frosting the cake!”
She may not be able to cook, but her palate is refined far beyond her years.
Last time on Life with Raptors we got to see one of the most tragic moments of any fic we’ve ever riffed. A poor, innocent T. Rex cut down in her prime by a cruel and evil Gary Stu raptor.
*Sniff* “It was horrible!”
On the bright side, Seth fell off the cliff onto the rocky beach below. At least, it would be a bright side, but we all know better than that, don’t we?
Well, we’re in the home stretch now, folks. Just two more chapters and we’ll have put yet another raptor romance fic behind us. Dinosaur cookies and brain bleach coctails will be served at the reception after the last installment. But until then, we’ve got another chapter to tackle. With me again is Eliza, one of our resident experts on the subject of raptors.
“I’m now in 3D!”
Last time on Life with Raptors, May spent a lot of time stockpiling for a hurricane. Like, a lot of time. Not sure why she thought she needed all the crap she gathered, seeing as tropical storms typically blow over in only a day or two at most, but apparently she likes to be well stocked. And by well stocked, I mean sitting on top of a pile of grass, twigs, and rotting food. Meanwhile she also rigged up a new door to the Tree Cave. Made out of an untanned dinosaur skin.
“Tree Cave’s new name is Stank-Hole.”
Meanwhile Seth and company finally have a half-decent hunt. And by that I mean they find something already dead and tuck-in. Still, way better than they’d been doing up to that point. Anyway, through a point of sheer contrivance, this scavenged corpse also happened to be the one May cut her door from. So Seth used her scent from that carcass to track her down, at which point they were reunited.
“You forgot the best part!”
“May beat Seth with a stick!”
Ahh, yes. How could I forget?
Hello and welcome back to Life with Raptors, the Jurassic Park fic that’s lean on the Jurassic Park and heavy on the Edward Cullen Raptor Expy. As usual, sitting co-pilot is Eliza. Say hello, Eliza.
You ruined the joke.
“Yes I did.”
Last time May and Seth had their falling out. It’s basically the same one that Rae and Sorin have, but for a different reason this time. Once again, the Tree-Cave makes its appearance, but this time without Josh or a rampaging Tyrannosaurus. May spends some time doing some ‘survival,’ if that is what you can call that mess of incompetence we were treated to.
Oh, and Seth also has a PCC brand Prophetic Dream of Foreshadowing™. And that was pretty much it. Read the rest of this entry »
Welcome to Wednesday, patrons! Once again, I’m here to furnish you with fresh, hot, raptor-based riff. As usual, Eliza is sitting in as co-pilot.
“You suck, Taco.”
I see it went well last week. Care to hit me with some recap?
“Mostly it revolved around Seth diving even deeper into the role of Sorin. He called a hunt and was stupid enough to bring May along.”
That wouldn’t have been too bad a move. She has a gun after all.
“Don’t remind me. Anyway, the plan boils down to “stampede dinosaurs at a monkey with a stick.” It ends pretty much as you would expect.”
“In a battle between a Tyrannosaurus and a Carcharodontosaurus.”
“The T-Rex wins, of course, so Gumdrop was naturally excited. He’s already ordered a gross of “Team Random T-Rex” shirts from the PCC. Here’s yours.”
*Taco picks up the shirt*
Are they all 100XL?
“Poor guy didn’t think to ask for anything other than T-rex size.”
Well, I’ve got a new blanket, at least. So what about this descent into Sorin you were talking of?
“Seth blamed the botched hunt on May, even though it was really his poor planning that resulted in the hunt failing.”
Ahh. Well, good recap. Let’s see what we’ve got in store for us today! Read the rest of this entry »
Salutations, dearest patrons! Since I lost the bet with Taco last week, this week I’ll be flying alone. We will see what kind of dept of pies he earns for this little stunt.
Hmm, recap. Well, last week’s chapter was all about sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. It should have been anyway. All that really happened was May taking a waterfall shower, her and Sorin stumbling upon two of the generic raptors in flagrante delicto, and wandering off to go swimming and star gazing. The chapter ended with Seth’s and May’s personalities doing a U-turn, assuring a more close match to Rae and Sorin. And that was pretty much it. The other 95% of the chapter was word padding.
Welcome back, patrons, to the last Wednesday of year! Also the last day of the year. As with the other chapters of this fic, Eliza is sitting copilot as the dinosaur expert.
Last time we were treated to May’s first day with the raptors, wherein she quests for a shower and is attacked by a raptor from the B-group. Meanwhile, much earlier in the day, Seth and the others “mark” their territory.
“They used pee!”
Right. Anyway, they mark their territory and then launch an unsuccessful hunt which involved the sudden appearance of the T-rex. Nothing else really happens.
“That seem to be the theme of this fic. ‘Not much happened.'”
I think that’s more of a general badfic theme.