1981: Ash and Arceus: Ash’s Revenge

Title: Ash and Arceus
Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokemon
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Ash and Arceus: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

DISCLAIMER: The fanfic being snarked contains a scene of sexual intercourse: thus, this snarking is rated Not Safe For Work. Read at your own discretion!

Hey guys! It’s your boy Herr Wozzeck, and I am back from another brief hiatus that was spent figuring out my next career moves! Now that I’m mostly out of the real thick of it, though, I can concentrate on other things. Like writing. And riffing. And maybe wondering what in the hell some people were thinking trying to give us shit.

See, we got a comment on one of our older riffs recently: this one, to be precise. And in this comment, they said this:

I’m pretty damn sure I can’t find this because of you. Nice job. Now maybe I should go and criticize some of your own fics. Fanfiction is just people trying to live out personal fantasies or wishes for a series in the only way they know how. They aren’t here so you can make rude coments on the author or their work that they took time out of their life to write and post for others to see and enjoy. Sure it’s funny…but it might just be painful for the one who wrote it.

And they decided to log themselves in as “An anonymous writer on Fanfiction.net”. So, you know, you would think “hm, maybe the author decided to hop in and leave an anonymous bitchy comment because reasons”. I mean, it seems to fill in all the check boxes, right? The timing is about right, the tone is about right… everything about it seems to make sense. So in our author’s mind, “anonymous writer” would make sense to hide their identity, right? Because why risk outing yourself as someone when you can come up with a new username? Hey, it worked for Jedi Qui-Gon, why not here?

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1926: better season 5 end — Part 5

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3, who may or may not be Dakari King Mykan, and/or Caliborn from Homestuck
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end‘s… umm… end.

Last time Starlight Glimmer, freshly minted as N I G H T M A R E M O O N’s new apprentice, payed a visit to Twitlight Sparkle in her cell and got really torn up about ripping the DUMMENSHINAL TRAVIL scroll in half even though N I G H T M A R E M O O N was actively assisting her in making a replacement for it. Twitlight responded to this by angsting, dreaming about the Element Bearers and thereby giving away their location to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, angsting some more, and then finally angsting. That… was literally about it. We just left off as she was being led out of her cell by a N I G H T M A R E Guard, through the improbably-nearby town of Ponyville, and to a large platform set up in the middle of a public square which is clearly, obviously, and totally not meant for her execution.

Will Starlight Glimmer’s apprenticeship deliver her into her longed-for life of fast carriages, fast stallions, and rich, chunky revenge, or will she instantly be redeemed in the last fifth of the story for no good reason just like Mycan’t claims happened in the original show?

Will Twitlight Sparkle put into reality her vision of an inter-DUMMENSHINAL door-to-door friendship proslytization church, or will she completely dissolve into a puddle of thin, sorrowful gruel?

Will N I G H T M A R E M O O N ever actually get around to running Equestria, or will she just continue to recount the events of every episode of Season 1?

Will any of the rest of the main cast actually fucking show up in this story?

And will Mycan’t realize this was originally supposed to be a 44-minute TV-Y rated television show?
Find out on this, the final… umm… segment, I guess… of better season 5 end.

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1921: better season 5 end — Part 4

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Cutie Remark as told by Dakari King Mycan’t!

Glad to be back.

Last time… well, not a whole lot actually happened other than Twitlight and Starlight being locked in a cell together so that the former could evangelize to the latter about The Power of Friendship (and also the events of most of the pilot episode of the show for some reason).

And then for fairly obvious reasons Starlight decided it was better serve in heaven than rule in rich, chunky exposition hell-

-and decided to sell out Twitlight to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, seeing as Twitlight’s strategy of building up a rapport with the other unicorn by being really fucking annoying all the time was going nowhere. We just left off as M O O N and Starlight (good GOD that sounds like a ship-name) were headed off to the remnants of the Canterlot Library so that Starlight could show her new mentor how the dimension-hopping scroll she found works.

Wait, doesn’t N I G H T M A R E M O O N have the dimension-hopping scroll from her home dimension? Why doesn’t that work? I mean sure, it’s in code, but Starlight wrote the code and can translate it back.

If this was a better ‘fic I’d say it was because Starlight was faking her betrayal in order to lead N I G H T M A R E M O O N away from the castle and give Twitlight a chance to grab either the original encrypted copy or the Elements of Harmony, but thanks to {THE ENDLESS INTERNAL MONOLOGING EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER DOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME} we know that nothing so clever is actually being attempted and Starlight is completely on the level (and also seems to have a bat-pony fetish for some reason, if her sudden display of romantic interest in the guards pulling their carriage is any indication).

Huh! Knowing a pony’s inner thoughts makes them seem less intelligent. How ‘about that?

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1915: better season 5 end — Part 3

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end, Dakari King Mycan’t’s attempt to strip out everything that was actually impressive or visually interesting about the Season 5 finale of My Little Pony.

Last time, Twitlight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer spent way, way, way too much time doddling around what turned out to be an alternate Equestria ruled by N I G H T M A R E M O O N, queen of evil laughter, sneering at each other and failing to figure out where they were or what was going on. Then some Lunar Guards (N I G H T M A R E Guards?) showed up and made off with the scroll that was their only ticket home, and the two timeDUMMENSHIN travelers promptly followed them right to her castle. N I G H T M A R E M O O N kicked their asses, confiscated the scroll, and locked them in the kinky bondage dungeon… but not without first filling up another scene or two with even more explanation of THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW.

We’re three parts into this, and something just hit me: Mycan’t never told us his mission statement. We know he wants to improve the script, but he never told us how. What was wrong with the original that needed correcting? We’ve been inferring that he wanted a less powerful Starlight, more talky bits up front, more N I G H T M A R E M O O N and evidently much less of the other timelines-

-like, none

– but, again, those are only guesses. We have no idea what the author wants to tell us, and that’s one of the most fundamental flaws in literature a writer can ever make.

I mean, he has a blog, but it’s all just ranty lectures about time travel and multiverse theory interrupted by a section on Undertale for some odd reason.

Ohhhh, I know what he wants to tell us:

Rich, chunky exposition.

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1910: better season 5 end — Part 2

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons!

I’d say it’s good to be back, but, no. It’s never good to be back. Not here.

And welcome back to better season 5 end, the single best episode(s) of My Little Pony as re-imagined by Dakari King Mykan.

Actually, Mykan could at least remember to use capital letters without an editor. This guy is Dakari King Mycan’t.

Last time we were treated to Mycan’t’s treatment of… well, nothing but the opening scene of the Season 5 end, apparently. And the reason why it was only the very first scene was because apparently to Mycan’t ‘better’ means ‘filled to the brim with lots and lots of rich, chunky exposition’.

And scenes stolen from the end of the original episode to pad out the beginning.

Also, to sum up the changes to characterization:

89253__safe_twilightsparkle_meme_mspaint_sweetbroandhellajeff_85ey

On the left is canon Twilight losing her shit. On the right is Mycan’t’s interpretation of the character, being shit.

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1905: better season 5 end — Infodump and Part 1

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons!

Lone Wolf is really starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth as I ponder more and more the question of its author’s relationship with objective reality, so I’ve decided to reenlist Serketry, my companion in all things My Little Pony, to wade through the seedy underbelly of bronydom that is fimfiction.net and see what I could find.

Howdy, everyone, glad to be back! Uh, well, I was, before I learned what we’d be… reviewing…

Namely that what I could find, as it turned out, was a ‘fic called “better season 5 end”[sic] by someone or something called iamli3.

Which, oddly enough, we reviewed the same weekend the Season 7 finale came out.

season 5’s ending was bad , i made it better….

What.

Calm down, I’m assuming he just was unable to properly type ‘season 5’s ending was badass’.

But I’m pretty sure the only way the My Little Pony Season 5 finale could be made better is if Ronnie James Dio and Till Linderman descended bodily from their blazing thrones atop the highest summit of Metal Heaven in a flying golden battleship piloted by Dog-Tier Jade Harley to anoint it with the tears shed by Wikus Van Der Merwe in the penultimate scene of District 9.

Or if it had Dragonlord Ember in it, because come on.

 

4/10, needed more Discord

 

Or DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Sie ist die hellste Stern von allen… wird sie nicht von Himmel fallen?

Because everything’s better with DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Including DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR herself.

^5651D25BE523045595C409CB0E707E28523D67EEE78505FA46^pimgpsh_fullsize_distr.jpg

Hell, the episode even included an implied DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR when she hadn’t even been seen yet. But now we’re entering pure speculation.

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1899: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy — Chapter 18, Chapter 19, and SSJ Lone Wolf’s Descent Into Madness

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 18
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

-WARNING-
This chapter of The Lone Wolf of the Normandy contains potential flamebait in the form of the author flaming his critics. He’s not very good at it, but manages to bring up most of the Standard Points of Internet Vitriol nonetheless.

*AdmiralSakai strides back through the now clean and well-lit hallways of RIFFCON, dressed once again in cargo pants and a neatly-pressed lab coat and carrying a pad of graph paper.*

All right. I haven’t seen any of those brain-eating zombies since I installed the new spam filter; all the bathrooms and staff areas have been re-stocked with fresh boxes of facial tissue and now that Nightmare Moon has been re-banished they should stay that way; all the copper piping has been reinstalled and I talked to Slenderman’s legal department about having Lizzie reassigned to Hogwarts-In-England where she belongs; and it turns out that I was perfectly able to get rid of Deadsun with just a Level 70 Baptist, a Level 62 New Ager, and a few licensed electricians. So it looks like we’re finally back on track to-

*Sakai turns the corner to the control room and stops dead. Troy Fisher is sitting in front of the viewport with a hollow, dead-eyed expression and an open bottle of Scotch on the desk next to him.*

It’s… it’s back, sir.”

No.

No no no no no no no no no. Lone Wolf is over. It’s dead, I killed it, we do not have to go through with this nonsense again!

*sigh*

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.
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