2492: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 8 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome once again to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously in the invasion of Earth… not a lot actually happened. The turians are still holding up a competent if underdescribed groundgame, Christopher McGraw is still obnoxious, the British are still being shit on for some weird reason, and the humans’ stupid WWII-era oceanic navy fleet is still not scrap… and the overall situation is still basically the same as it was the last chapter.

These things are becoming so god damn formulaic that in fact I feel pretty confident in predicting what this chapter will contain without even having read it:

  • Someone will employ some sort of tactic that is either incredibly obvious but somehow had never been thought of before, or is incredibly stupid but somehow works. There is a greater than 50% chance that the tactic will be something that was employed in a previous chapter by either the targets or the people who are using it now, but both sides will treat it as a complete surprise.
  • A stupidly large number of objects that we have never seen before and never had described and consequently don’t care about will be destroyed as a result.
  • The other side will get OUTRAGED!!!!!!! about it.
  • Someone will make a melodramatic speech.
  • The overall course of the conflict will be utterly unchanged.

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IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 21

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2486: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure (Trapped Rewrite) – Chapter 4 Part 1

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: EclipsePheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh, Major Wade, and Ensign Jim Jimson.

Hello again, Patrons, and welcome to the fourth chapter of Eclipse Pheniox’s epic fail of a story ‘Trapped in 40k’. I’m your Guest Riffer, Crazy Minh; over there at the tactical station is Major Wade; and joining us posthumously is our new spectral helmsman, Ensign Jim Jimson, who you may remember from the SOMA riff I did during Spooktober. Jim, wanna introduce yourself?

Hi patrons! I’m Jim Jimson, and I’ll be haunting this ship for…well, I can’t say ‘the rest of my life’ now, can I?

Not really.

Fuck.

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2483: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 7 Part 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turian fleet made its way to Earth and was preparing to land ground troops thanks to their fell mastery of *shudders in horror* tactics, and also Christopher Mc-Chan was wandering around hitting things with a hammer and trying to produce antimatter which I thought the Alliance already had and just in general being obnoxious. Also apparently he has some kind of cybernetic implant called a ‘Brain Booster’ which somehow excuses his behavior by making it impossible for him to feel fear or whatever, I don’t even care and just want the turians to glass everyone already as we continue to slog through this wanky slaughterfest (slaughtery wankfest?) of a chapter.

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IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 12

We left off just as the narrative lost focus on any actual events and instead decided to wax rich and chunky about how god-damn ‘uge the Alliance First Fleet is.

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2476: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure – Chapter 3 Part 2

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: Eclipse Pheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh, and Major Wade

WARNING! THIS IS AN EP FIC! EXPECT TRIGGERS AT SOME POINT!

SECOND WARNING: ALTHOUGH I SKIP THE MORE SENSITIVE BITS, EP HAS A RATHER ABHORRENT SEX SCENE IN THIS CHAPTER THAT MAY OFFEND SOME PATRONS. READ WITH CAUTION.

Hello Patrons, and welcome back from Spooktober! Unfortunately, the greeting is the second part of the third chapter of Eclipse Pheniox’s Trapped in 40k: the rewrite that just keeps droning. Fortunately, EP decided to discontinue this fanfic during the last Spooktober festivities, so at least there’s now a definite end to this shitfest! The fic got three more chapters following the start of my riff, and in total there will be 18 more chapters of this shit before we are done! Anyway, I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and he’s Major Wade:

Oh dear god, this chapter…

Don’t be a drama queen; it’s not all that bad! Trust me, I’ve been here. It gets worse later. Much worse.

…Is it too late for me to go back to the SGC?

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2440: The Origin of Mickey & The Origins of Raggedy Anne — Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-
While, as to be expected, the creepypasta being reviewed today are not in the least bit scary, the second one contains potential flamebait in the form of the work of some legitimately reprehensible people, namely the ‘anti-vaxxer’ movement.

Title: Origins of Mickey
Author: DubiousDugong
Media: Animation
Topic: Mickey Mouse
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Origins of Mickey

Title: The Origins of Raggedy Ann
Author: Kat the Killer Neko, who strangely enough is not a Jeff Clone
Media: IRL, except for the ‘reality’ part.
Topic: Raggedy Ann
Genre: Creepypasta / Propaganda
URL: The Origins of Raggedy Ann

Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons! Sharpen your knives on some convenient bones and make sure you don’t get sent to Finland by any spontaneously-appearing wall portals, because it’s that time of year again!

spoop4

Punch it, my fishy friend!

“With gusto!”

 

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2363: Sonichu — Issue 3 Sub-Episode 4 and Issue 4 Sub-Episode 5

Title: Sonichu
Author: Christine Weston Chandler, aka. Christopher Weston Chandler, aka. Christian Weston Chandler, aka. Chris-Chan
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Sonic The Hedgehog / Pokemon / IRL / Yu-Gi-Oh
Genre: “Parody”, apparently.
URL: Issue 3 Template Box and Issue 4 Template Box
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the wonderful world of Sonichu!

Previously, Hedgehog Of Color tried to steal a McGuffin, but a cluster of recolored Sonichus with elemental powers beat the stuffing out of him and took it back.

That’s… literally it.

Typo Cunter: 61

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2359: Sonichu — Issue 3, Episodes 10 and 11

Title: Sonichu
Author: Christine Weston Chandler, aka. Christopher Weston Chandler, aka. Christian Weston Chandler, aka. Chris-Chan
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Sonic The Hedgehog / Pokemon / IRL / Yu-Gi-Oh
Genre: “Parody”, apparently.
URL: Issue 3 Template Box
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the manifold wonders of Sonichu.

Last time Chris-Chan Sonichu, Sarah Nicole Hammer, and Wes Iseli got (for the most part) over their stupid soap opera bullshit and agreed to stop the Evil that had been released with their Anchuent Hedgehog Powers. This Evil took the form of a giant golem in an Egyptian headdress, controlled by a talking purple Sno Cone named Count Graduon, who had cut a deal with the witch Mary Lee Walsh to carry him around in exchange for assistance in her own mission of “shattering hearts” (whatever that means). The Power Chus kicked the golem’s ass and sent both Graduon and Walsh packing (or, rather, just let them run away), but then in the Sub-Episode Chris tracked Walsh to her office and appeared to kill her.

I wonder what Giovanni and Hedgehog Of Color are up to?

Typo Cunter: 45

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