1066: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapter Four

Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media:  Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

WARNING: This week’s installment of FaCe ThE StRaNgE happens to include a scene of poorly-written rape. Considering how the subject is treated in-fic, all people who are sensitive to such a subject may wish to (and probably should) skip this installment of the riff.

No, seriously, she turned the cum into water! How the fuck does that—

*looks up*

Oh hi patrons! Uh… yeah, sorry. I was trying to douse myself in extra-strength brain bleach. For the record, it’s not working.

*sigh*

Well, we better get going with this. No doubt, more WTFery awaits us in the coming chapters.

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923: Jasmine cumslut – Chapter One

Title: Jasmine cumslut
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media:  Movies/Video Game
Topic: Aladdin/Mass Effect
Genre: “Romance”
URL: Jasmine cumslut: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Crunchy, and Sura T’Lenya

WARNING: This fic contains extremely graphic references to sexual acts that may be considered deviant by some people: thus, this snarking is NSFW. The entire plot of the fic is also about human trafficking: because of the way the subject is treated in this fic, those who are sensitive to the subject may wish to (and probably should) skip this riff entirely.

Crunchy: *walks in* Monkey, I went to go steal some of your key lime pies from the stash, and I found they were all gone. I saw the darkwraiths run off with—

*looks at Crunchy halfway through his twelfth pie*

C: Oh, you were eating all of them. Am I mistaken, or do you monkeys usually worry about your digestive systems?

*swallows, takes another bite, then points at the desk*

C: *walks to the desk, reads the title* “Jasmine cumslut”?

*nods*

C: Well what kind of title is that? It seems… Unless… Hm. Well, I am glad I’m not one of you monkeys. I do not like getting offended an awful lot. It is rather bad for the temper, as you know.

*swallows*

And that, Crunchy, is why I’m glad that my childhood was more centered around Rodgers and Hammerstein and classic Disney than it was on the movies of the Disney Renaissance. At least then, the rape of my childhood isn’t as bad as it could have been. For all the other 90’s kids, though…

C: You monkeys are so defensive of your property.

Yeah, that about describes the author of this fic, too. And in case you’re wondering, Crunchy, yes: this was written by the same douchebag who “gifted” us with From Another World.

C: From Another World? You cannot mean…

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is another EP “masterpiece” we’ll be snarking today, and boy is it bad. Honestly, I think it’s bad enough that it’ll unseat Gabriel Hawke as the squickiest thing I’ve ever snarked with the Library, I really do.

So in that event, I’m not up for entering this fic alone. Crunchy, you want in?

C: I can prepare the darkwraiths if you need them, but you cannot convince me to stay here. Goeth has told me all sorts of things about From Another World, and if that is any indication I think my time would be better used elsewhere.

Okay, I’ll go ahead and let you leave. But just remember, if you don’t do it here, I will pull you in if I do Victor Tarsus’ Sonic fanfic that he—

C: On second thought, an EP fic does not sound so bad.

Smart raptor.

Anyway, guys, I don’t think just Crunchy alone is gonna do it, so I’m gonna take a page from SC’s book and bring in one of my OCs.

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890: Quarter Quell Sequels – The End, Chapters 2, 3, 4, and 5

Title: Quarter Quell
Author: L.Q. Brooks
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Ice Age/Hunger Games/Underland Chronicles/Michael Vey/Percy Jackson and the Olympians/The Hobbit/???/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Family/Suspense
URL: The End: Chapter 2
URL: The End: Chapter 3
URL: The End: Chapter 4
URL: The End: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to this series.

*flops down on the couch*

Four chapters. Four chapters in one fucking installments. This is gonna be one hell of a doozy.

But fuck it, I can’t deal with this shitty story anymore. By now, I just want out. So if the story won’t let me out, I’m going to just bull rush through the end of it.

*claps hands together*

So let’s not waste any time, shall we? Let’s finish this sucker off!

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885: Quarter Quell Sequels – Serpent’s Fang Chapter 5 and The End Chapter 1

Title: Quarter Quell
Author: L.Q. Brooks
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Ice Age/Hunger Games/Underland Chronicles/Michael Vey/Percy Jackson and the Olympians/The Hobbit/???/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Family/Suspense
URL: Serpent’s Fang: Chapter 5
URL: The End: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the Quarter Quell sequels!

This time, we’re just going to burn straight through the last installments of these fics. Now that Homura Afterstory is finally finished, I can’t wait to be done with this series. I mean… seriously, what the fuck is going on?

Well, that’s a question that we’ll never get an answer to, so let’s just get started with the beginning of the end, yeah?

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862: Quarter Quell Sequels – Serpent’s Fang, Chapters 1 and 2

Title: Quarter Quell
Author: L.Q. Brooks
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Ice Age/Hunger Games/Underland Chronicles/Michael Vey/Percy Jackson and the Olympians/The Hobbit/???/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Family/Suspense
URL: Serpent’s Fang: Chapter 1
URL: Serpent’s Fang: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hey everyone, and welcome back for more of these Quarter Quell sequels.

Well, ladies and gents, you’ll be glad to know that we’re beginning to wind down on these babies as well. As of this installment, we’re on the second to last sequel, and before long we’ll be hitting the last installment of this series. Now that we’ve got one more chapter of Homura Afterstory, we’ll be winding down with this fic as well. Either way, I will be glad to be done with both of these pieces of shit, because my God, they were bad.

Yeah, I need to find something less offensively stupid for my next snark. But before we do that, we have these two fics to get through. So let’s do that, yeah?

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861: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Three

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Whew!  We’re finally here, folks, the last installment of A Jedi’s Destiny.  A fic so bad that… you know what, it’s just bad.  Really, really bad.  With me again this week for the last time is Swenia!

“Hello, patrons, good to-  Last time?  What’s the deal with that?”

I talked it over with the raptors and we decided that since the fic is ending this week, it should be safe to put you back in it!

[SCENE REDACTED DUE TO EXTREME VIOLENCE]

*Taco walks into the room wearing a Betty Boop outfit*

Jeez, it was a joke!

“So was mauling you.”

Cheeky lion.

Anyway, last time on Jedi’s Destiny there was stupid.  So much stupid.

*Taco starts rocking back and forth*

“Don’t worry about him, he gets this way when thinking about the fic.  Last week Presidenty Goofy, who was apparently Mark Hamill-”

YARG! THE STUPID!

“Ahem, the president was betrayed by Kahn whose name was actually something else.  Apparently there was some pressing need to disguise his identity despite that identity being entirely unknown.   Anyway, Kahn kills the president and then storms the US Archives, which is home to a modest sized fleet of Imperial ships.”

WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME, YE GODS OF LITERATURE!?

“Dude, chill.  Meanwhile Buster suddenly becomes both force sensitive and a Jedi Knight in the space of about six sentences.  Luckily the SQDF barfs up a great uncle to train him in the ways of the force. Around this same time, the PCC finishes Buster’s backstory and crams it into the fic.  It mostly  has to do with a father who was a Jedi-master descended from a long line of once-human Jedi who came to Earth and were turned into lions through the magic of radiant heat.”

THE STUPID!  IT BURNS!

“Buster trains a bit, luckily sans-montage, before the scene finally peters out.  Now if you’ll permit me, Taco needs to be reset before we can get started.”

“Let’s see here, not too much and not too little…”

*GONG*

“Better?”

Much.  Let’s see what we’re in store for this week. Read the rest of this entry »


854: A Jedi’s Destiny – Chapter Sixteen, Part Two

Title: A Jedi’s Destiny
Author: Victor Tarsus
Media: Movies
Topic: Lion King / Star Wars
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL:  A Jedi’s Destiny
Critiqued by TacoMagic & Swenia

Welcome back to the home stretch of A Jedi’s Destiny, the fic that dares try to answer the question: How villainous can an author make their protagonist?  Once again, I’ve got Swenia sitting co-pilot.

“It’s like you take some kind of perverse delight in preventing me from getting a nap.”

You’re not wrong about that.  Anyway, last time there were space shenanigans.  There’s really no other way to put it.  Buster and Professor X pull a space-program out of their shared endless anal pouch of holding in all of three days, fly very, very slowly up into space, find that the IN is already colonizing space, and then head for home.

“Wasn’t there also something about the aristocracy of the UO fleeing to a city on top of a mountain?”

Yeah, but it’s not important.  In fact, it’s never mentioned again in the fic.

“WHAT!?”

Welcome to bad fanfiction.

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