1917: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and Invaded by God-Prince Sanyn Ruanna Beuxllon

Trigger Warning: Unlike last one, this is serious. You see, the closeted misogyny popping up here and there gets worse by enough magnitudes to warrant a trigger warning. If you’re very uncomfortable with groping, you may want to skim some sections.

Also, your humble author has an out-of-character catastrophic mental breakdown that isn’t played for laughs. If you read The Savior, you know what I’m talking about. So be wary.

Oh fuck me, no!

Beuxllon: I, the glorious and virile and all-powerful spectacular Beuxllon, heard tell that someone from the general vicinity of this place was disparaging the eternal glory that is me. Now I am traversed all of times and space and all that fuckery to kick that infidel in the face, surrender to me your infidel fool! Ooo!

*Beuxllon overtakes Hosen*

Beuxllon: Happy and glorious occasion it’s Rosfyr! I thought you were just a figment of my imagination; a very annoying figment that never allows me to indulge in the festivities of life!

Rosfyr is just my Self-Insert, I’m not actually- *Hosen is interrupted by an ebony-clad boot burying itself in his face, throwing him from his riffing chair*

Beuxllon: Nyehahahahaa *snork* Finally! Of all the faces I have acquainted with mine armor-clad footpads, your face was the face I was most desiring to kick. Granted, I could have just kicked myself to spite you, but you know it’s really fucking hard to kick yourself in the face with the base of your foot and not the- umm- you are my bitch! Grovel before me!

*Hosen rubs his nose* It’d say it’s a good thing I revised you, but no, you’re about the same. At least in-universe there are others to bring you in line.

Beuxllon: Blasphemy! I am a god, none may hinder my all powerful- power, to wreak my unholy retribution of the things upon the world that should have been mine but was not because  . Now, witness the power of a fully-

*Suddenly and from behind, Abrelepine appears from the SDQF to defend Hosen, but freezes upon seeing the neon-yellow haired calamity*

-The two stop a moment as they regard eachother, before Beuxllon gives an enthusiastic wave- Hi, honey!

Abrelepine: Oh my, I didn’t realize you were coming.

*Beuxllon puts a hand of indignation over his heart* You wound me! I thought after the first fifty times we dirted the sheets, you’d pick up on the many subtle nuances of my persona.

Abrelepine: That’s hyperbole and you know it.

Beuxllon: Give it time.

Abrelepine: *scoff* Of course you’d say that.

Beuxllon: Now you’re remembering, wondrous wife of mine.

Abrelepine: Should I take a form you’re more used to while we catch up?

Beuxllon: You madden me no matter what skin you put on.

*Hosen gets back in his chair, talking over the lovers snogging in the background as he adjusts his  * I guess I’ll just continue.

Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

1916: Dawn By Eye – Chapter One

Title:  Dawn By Eye
Author:  coolcake05
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Fallout / Wall-E
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Dawn By Eye
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey, patrons!  I’m back and ready to tackle another mini-project before moving onto something meatier.  This mini-project is “Dawn By Eye” a WALL-E crossover with Fallout.

I’ll give you all a minute.

You all back?  Good.  So, for those who somehow have gone without seeing the movie, WALL-E is a Pixar movie featuring the titular character WALL-E, an automated garbage cleanup robot, and his adventures with EVE, a botanical specimen retrieval robot.  The basic premise of the movie, which really doesn’t do it justice, is that at some point in the future rampant consumerism has left the world a giant garbage dump and humanity has to abandon it temporarily while everything is cleaned up.  That’s where WALL-E comes into the picture.  He’s the last remaining cleanup robot who is still doing his job one compacted garbage block at a time.

However, due to the extensive time he’s spent alone in autonomous mode, his programming has started to drift and he’s gone all “ghost in the machine.”  He’s developed a personality as well as a huge collection of curiosities he’s found while digging through all the garbage.  Eventually EVE shows up on her mission to find signs of plant life which would indicate that Earth is one again habitable.

Look, I’m not going to regurgitate the whole movie, so if you really want to know the low-down on WALL-E, just go watch it.  The really important point I want to bring up here isn’t necessarily the plot of the movie anyway, but rather the way the movie is put together and presented.  See, the thing that makes WALL-E so interesting is that it utilizes almost no dialogue to tell the main story, it’s almost entirely visual. Yes there is dialogue that tells the supporting story of the trash-heap that is future Earth, but the primary story of WALL-E and EVE as told from their perspective is essentially a story without any substantial dialogue.

This is one of those things that Pixar has excelled at for a long time and they have showcased through their fairly substantial library of short films.  Pixar knows how to show something in the purest form.  No words, no exposition, just visual storytelling.  Probably their most famous example of this is the intro to UP that portrays the relationship of Carl and Ellie in an extremely powerful way.

WALL-E is that skill taken to the length of nearly an entire movie.  Now, I bring this up specifically because it’s visual storytelling.  Visual.

That should be a pretty hefty warning sign for most folk who are familiar with fanfiction.  It would be difficult enough for a skilled veteran writer to convey a visual story with words, and here we’ve got an amateur trying to do just that.  While also trying to mix in Fallout at the same time.

Read the rest of this entry »


1915: better season 5 end — Part 3

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end, Dakari King Mycan’t’s attempt to strip out everything that was actually impressive or visually interesting about the Season 5 finale of My Little Pony.

Last time, Twitlight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer spent way, way, way too much time doddling around what turned out to be an alternate Equestria ruled by N I G H T M A R E M O O N, queen of evil laughter, sneering at each other and failing to figure out where they were or what was going on. Then some Lunar Guards (N I G H T M A R E Guards?) showed up and made off with the scroll that was their only ticket home, and the two timeDUMMENSHIN travelers promptly followed them right to her castle. N I G H T M A R E M O O N kicked their asses, confiscated the scroll, and locked them in the kinky bondage dungeon… but not without first filling up another scene or two with even more explanation of THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW.

We’re three parts into this, and something just hit me: Mycan’t never told us his mission statement. We know he wants to improve the script, but he never told us how. What was wrong with the original that needed correcting? We’ve been inferring that he wanted a less powerful Starlight, more talky bits up front, more N I G H T M A R E M O O N and evidently much less of the other timelines-

-like, none

– but, again, those are only guesses. We have no idea what the author wants to tell us, and that’s one of the most fundamental flaws in literature a writer can ever make.

I mean, he has a blog, but it’s all just ranty lectures about time travel and multiverse theory interrupted by a section on Undertale for some odd reason.

Ohhhh, I know what he wants to tell us:

Rich, chunky exposition.

Read the rest of this entry »


1914: Padme-Series: Clone Trooper – Chapter Six

Title: Padme-Series: Clone Trooper
Author: Darth Sith’ari
Media: Film
Topic: Star Wars
Genre: None given, other than the fact that it’s an AU
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and Jamags)

Hello once again patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, this is your guest guest host, Jamags-

Jamags: Hello.

-and we’re back with even more boring AU!

Jamags: Your tone indicates that I should be excited.

Are you?

Jamags: Guess.

Read the rest of this entry »


1913: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Two, Part Two

Title: Valkyire: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC, Specs and Glasses

Happy Thanksgiving, nerds, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! Yeah, I know I’m two days late on that, but my posts go up on Saturday, what can you do? I’m your host, SC, and last time, Brian got butthurt over having a job that sees him have time to himself once in a blue moon at best, Specs and Glasses got butthurt over bad maintenance of equipment, I got butthurt over the author potentially shoving Valkyrie in the middle of King’s Row, especially with the knowledge that the team was firmly anti-Omnic, and I got butthurt again about them instead being deployed to Mexico to observe activity pertaining to Los Muertos, in defiance of the Mexcian government’s ban on Overwatch activity.

So, overall, a lot of butthurt.

Oh, and speaking of Specs, I decided since he wouldn’t shut up on the radio that he may as well get in on this riff. Besides, Bifocals was getting antsy – I don’t think she’s ever been in a riff long-term before, and two chapters without being swapped was weirding her out. Besides that, I don’t think I’ve ever riffed with just Specs and Glasses before.

Specs: You also haven’t ever done a riff with Contacts and Sportsy. Or Monocle and anybody other than me.

And those riffs will probably never happen, either, because what you’re suggesting is impossible and you know it.

Read the rest of this entry »


1912: Secrets Revealed – Chapter 5

Title: Secrets Revealed
Author: River Styx1201
Media: TV Show
Topic: Danny Phantom
Genre: Friendship/Romance
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Welcome back, dear Patrons!

I hope all of our American Patrons are enjoying/enduring the annual Festival of Consumerism that is Black Friday, and that all of our international Patrons are amused/alarmed by my fellow countrymen’s antics. I have plans of my own – I’m going to be chilling at home, snuggling with kitties under my super-plush down duvet and thanking the Fates that I work banker’s hours instead of working in retail.

But first, the fic!

In the last chapter, Isis Sue witnessed Danny’s transformation and immediately dragging the three main cast members to her home where she filled them with Doritos while she explained her Tragek Backstory – she’s an angel and her mother, brother, and a former boyfriend have been killed by a faction of ‘dark angels’ because the Sith rarely explain their actions reasons. Even after revealing that she has several very useful superpowers, Isis Sue was easily kidnapped by series villain Vlad Plasmius and a dark angel called Amethyst.

I think that was everything, let’s move on to the next chapter.

Read the rest of this entry »


1911: A customary waffles to an isolated existence – One Shot (Chapters 1 – 8)

Title: A customary waffles to an isolated existence
Author: Hamiltonlover2002
Media: Books/Musicals/Fanfiction
Topic: Harry Potter/Hamilton/My Immortal
Genre: Humor and Romance
URL:  Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie

It gets worse!

Welcome back, guys, gals and non-binary pals and I’m reviewing the long awaited sequel to “A spiritual waffles after an isolate existence”. This was written more than a year after the original because it’s clearly a story that needed to be continued. This sequel is significantly shorter, clocking in at just under seven hundred words, where the original was around sixteen hundred. Keep in mind these are both several chapters long. It’s also significantly worse, seeing as the grammar quality took a massive nose dive.

(Note: When I copied this onto Google Docs, it rounded out to one and a half pages. This is going to be mighty fun.)

Let’s begin.

Read the rest of this entry »