2014: Foreigners and Templars – Chapter Three

SC’s Note: Friendly reminder, if you see any text highlighted like this, mouse over it to read the hidden footnotes. However, if you’re viewing this riff on mobile, unfortunately, the acronym tag doesn’t work in that format. Bummer, brohemian rhapsody.

Title: Foreigners and Templars
Author: Light Sorcerer
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dragon Age
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, The Angriest Noblewoman in Thedas, and Inquisitor Jacob “Jack” Trevelyan

~TRIGGER WARNING: THIS RIFF WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE, BUT THEN THE AUTHOR JUST HAULS OFF AND HAS A CHARACTER THREATEN RAPE AS A JOKE, SO I GOTTA PUT THIS HERE, NOW.~

Hello, and welcome back to-

Anita: Why the fuck am I back here again?

Or just jump right over the top of my introduction, that’s cool too, I guess…

Jack: U-um, you wouldn’t… happen to be-

Anita: The crazy bitch that Tevinter outlawed because the Archon pissed himself at the thought of me being in Minrathous, yes.

Jack: …Oh. Dear. Why is she here, exactly?

Because if anybody will get you to keep your attention focused, it’s the world’s angriest Grey Warden.

Jack: I’m… I’m not really that absent-minded, am I?

…Anita, please smack him.

*Anita proceeds to bitchslap Jack upside the head so hard that blood explodes from his eye sockets*

I said smack him, not murder him!

Anita: Look, sometimes my Angry Powers don’t turn off like they’re supposed to, alright?

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2009: Foreigners and Templars – Chapter Two

SC’s Note: Friendly reminder, if you see any text highlighted Like this, mouse over it to read the hidden footnotes. However, if you’re viewing this riff on mobile, unfortunately, the acronym tag doesn’t work in that format. So fuck you, y’all motherfuckers don’t get no footnotes.

Title: Foreigners and Templars
Author: Light Sorcerer
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dragon Age
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC and Inquisitor Jacob “Jack” Trevelyan

Hello, and welcome back to “Foreigners and Templars,” by Light Sorcerer! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we met the single angriest woman in Thedas, and she proceeded to get, well, angry at the cowering, whimpering and whining of a one Adrian of Melbourne, Australia, our fic’s bisexual protagonist. Normally, this wouldn’t be a point in need of mentioning, but for the author making a big deal out of it. I’m sure he’s totally not an insert character, and will more than likely be the eventual romantic interest of a one Cullen Stanton Rutherford, templar of the Ferelden Circle of Magi, Knight-Captain of the Kirkwall Circle of Magi, and eventual commander of the Inquisition’s military forces. At least, I assume this is so, given that the author had himself a little pity-rant about how unfair it was that Bioware made Cullen straight at the last second rather than leaving him bisexual, because it made Light Sorcerer feel under-appreciated. Because, you know, Bioware has never, ever, ever made LGBTQ characters.

Seriously, kid, I’ve played homosexual characters in Bioware games for shits and giggles. The only reason you feel like a second thought is because you willingly chose to misread a design choice as something that it wasn’t.

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2004: Foreigners and Templars – Chapter One

SC’s Note: Trying out a new code I learned – the “acronym” code. If you see any text highlighted like this, simply mouse over it to see what notes I’ve hidden behind it.

Title: Foreigners and Templars
Author: Light Sorcerer
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dragon Age
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC and The Angriest Noblewoman in Thedas (Henceforth known as “Anita”)

Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, and this week, we’re starting a riff from a particular fandom which has been bugging me recently.

So, you guys know how we have a LOT of Mass Effect fics? Well, Mass Effect, while certainly one of Bioware’s bigger IPs, is not the only IP they’re responsible for – Mass Effect’s medieval fantasy sibling, Dragon Age, is just as well-known. Difference is, apparently, the fandom is slightly less stupid, because it was actually respectably difficult for me to find a fic to riff!

Why Dragon Age?

Well, so far, our only Dragon Age riff is Gabriel fuckin’ Hawke. That riff was so bad that Herr actually went out of his way to censor large chunks of it. Anybody who’s been here longer than a month should know how sensitive we are to mature content (hint: we’re not – hell, even my sister’s riff of Celebrian was unedited aside from her own jokes), so you have to imagine that what was seen should not have been seen, though with less elder gods.

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1999: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Five, FINALE

Title: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by SC

Hello, and welcome back to “Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit,” by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and I’ma solo riff this time around, because I’d like to just get chapter five out of the way so that I can move on to a new riff.

When we last left off, Brian and Jacob had successfully gotten their asses beat by James Keller, but just as I was starting to hope, the rest of the dipshits showed up and overpowered him. From there, Brian had barely enough time to get most of his questions asked and answered before someone dropped the ball and put the whole base on high alert, thereby forcing the team to make a very noisy exfiltration. When they inevitably reached the dropship with little more than scratches and maybe a bruise, Miller took a moment to suddenly reveal that he had basic first aid training, a clear sign of JewishPotato rolling his eyes and being all, “fine, you want your damn medic so bad, here he is” in response to my loud, angry bitching critiques. From there, Brian finished his line of questions, got real pissed when James revealed that his training was military, and proceeded to ORAORAORAORAORA the ever-loving shit out of the poor bastard, which was where the chapter ended.

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1994: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Four, Part Three

Title: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Bifocals and Monocle

Bifocals: You have me paired with WHO?!

I mean, apparently the running theme for this riff is Specs and Co. pairings that I thought were impossible, so…

Bifocals: But why me?! And why him?!

Everybody else was perfectly willing to try and kill me for suggesting it to them.

*Monocle KICKS THE DOOR OFF ITS HINGES*

Monocle: I HAVE ARRIVED!

You broke my door.

Monocle: IT WAS IN MY WAY!

That’s the entire reason doors exist.

Monocle: THEN IT MET WITH A WELL-EARNED FATE!

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1980: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Four, Part Two

Title: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Bifocals and Shades

Bifocals: You keep bringing me in for this riff, I do not know how to feel about this.

I’m just giving you some much-needed spotlight time, that’s all.

Shades: Notice how he does the exact opposite with Sportsy?

That fuckface’s ego is big enough without me inflating it.

Hello, and welcome back to “Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit,” by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, joined by Bifocals and Shades, and last time, I accidentally reunited Specs with his executioner from times past (but they seemed pretty chill about that), and the entire riff was then spent with team Valkyrie walking to their fake coordinates. (And Taco actually brings up a good point, here: Not one of these four highly trained black ops. soldiers managed to pick up, from their fake coordinates, that the location of James Keller’s base was practically right next door to Dan Smith’s hideout. What?) This might not sound so exciting, but there was so much stupid packed in so densely during the trek that I had to cut the riff short before it started dragging me down to its level.

This week, we’re finally going to see some action!

I can almost feel how unexcited you all are.

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1972: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Four, Part One

Title: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch [citation needed]
Genre: Adventure/PAIN.
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Specs, and Scarlet of Mesyth

Scarlet: So, I notice I’m back.

You are, indeed.

Scarlet: What, because I pissed in your corn flakes or something?

Nah. I just figure you deserve a fairer swing at this riffing thing than the last few dregs of my interest in a fic that I’ve grown to despise.

Scarlet: So you instead foist a fic about imbeciles playing at spy games on me.

Hey, you have to admit, it’s far more engaging material.

Scarlet: …Alright, fair.

*Specs wanders in*

Specs: Hello, it is I- oh, hey, it’s that guy!

Scarlet: Oh, hey, it’s this guy!

You two know each other?

Specs: Yeah, he was The Headsman who cut my head off back in Israel!

…Um.

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