1917: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and Invaded by God-Prince Sanyn Ruanna Beuxllon

Trigger Warning: Unlike last one, this is serious. You see, the closeted misogyny popping up here and there gets worse by enough magnitudes to warrant a trigger warning. If you’re very uncomfortable with groping, you may want to skim some sections.

Also, your humble author has an out-of-character catastrophic mental breakdown that isn’t played for laughs. If you read The Savior, you know what I’m talking about. So be wary.

Oh fuck me, no!

Beuxllon: I, the glorious and virile and all-powerful spectacular Beuxllon, heard tell that someone from the general vicinity of this place was disparaging the eternal glory that is me. Now I am traversed all of times and space and all that fuckery to kick that infidel in the face, surrender to me your infidel fool! Ooo!

*Beuxllon overtakes Hosen*

Beuxllon: Happy and glorious occasion it’s Rosfyr! I thought you were just a figment of my imagination; a very annoying figment that never allows me to indulge in the festivities of life!

Rosfyr is just my Self-Insert, I’m not actually- *Hosen is interrupted by an ebony-clad boot burying itself in his face, throwing him from his riffing chair*

Beuxllon: Nyehahahahaa *snork* Finally! Of all the faces I have acquainted with mine armor-clad footpads, your face was the face I was most desiring to kick. Granted, I could have just kicked myself to spite you, but you know it’s really fucking hard to kick yourself in the face with the base of your foot and not the- umm- you are my bitch! Grovel before me!

*Hosen rubs his nose* It’d say it’s a good thing I revised you, but no, you’re about the same. At least in-universe there are others to bring you in line.

Beuxllon: Blasphemy! I am a god, none may hinder my all powerful- power, to wreak my unholy retribution of the things upon the world that should have been mine but was not because  . Now, witness the power of a fully-

*Suddenly and from behind, Abrelepine appears from the SDQF to defend Hosen, but freezes upon seeing the neon-yellow haired calamity*

-The two stop a moment as they regard eachother, before Beuxllon gives an enthusiastic wave- Hi, honey!

Abrelepine: Oh my, I didn’t realize you were coming.

*Beuxllon puts a hand of indignation over his heart* You wound me! I thought after the first fifty times we dirted the sheets, you’d pick up on the many subtle nuances of my persona.

Abrelepine: That’s hyperbole and you know it.

Beuxllon: Give it time.

Abrelepine: *scoff* Of course you’d say that.

Beuxllon: Now you’re remembering, wondrous wife of mine.

Abrelepine: Should I take a form you’re more used to while we catch up?

Beuxllon: You madden me no matter what skin you put on.

*Hosen gets back in his chair, talking over the lovers snogging in the background as he adjusts his  * I guess I’ll just continue.

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1909: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Trigger Warning that Most Definitely Should be Heeded: Herein is a body of text quoted from the hawtest hawtsecks novel ever put to pen in all of history that will destroy the minds of anyone under age 69 who reads it, therefore it should not be read by anyone ever or you will die of hotness.

-Numerous Sarcasm Detectors explode in incredible fashion-

Welcome back Patrons, to the Hosen Suffers Party! If you want suffering, you’ve come to the right place! Last time… a whole lot of pointless plot regurgitation because younger me didn’t know any better, and thought having a chapter of plot regurgitation was A-Ok.

There wasn’t much to comment on, but trust me, that’s going to change very quickly.

Let’s start with the obligatory A/N:

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1901: Dragon Souls – Chapter Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, welcome back to the “Hosen Suffers for his Sins” party! Drinks are hard and complimentary, you’re going to need them. I’m drunk as FUCK already *chug chug chug chug* There’s also chocolate, popcorn, chocolate popcorn, and a few dubious munchies I borrowed from Syl without her knowledge or permission.

-Hosen lifts a glowing bag of squiggly live squids salted with pepper, uranium, and extremophile bacteria from somewhere around Kuiper Belt- If this kills me, I can get out of doing the Riff! *nom*

…Dammit! It’s spicy and delicious.

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1878: Dragon Souls – Chapter One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, back at you with more nitpicking and general grumpiness! No, this is not the fic by GypsySiren I promised, nor is it coming out. To be honest, I’ve called it off for two reasons:

1). It really isn’t “travesty” material. I could probably find things wrong with it, but after a point it feels less like I’m giving good feedback and more like I’m harassing the fic for any little thing to complain about, something I have no interest in doing.

2). It’s boring. Horrendously, horribly boring, and honestly doing two fics by the same author leads to seeing the same issues, and it just wasn’t as good an idea as I thought it would be.

However, while I was doing research for my newly rebooted Dragon Souls- Rekindled… well that spoils the punchline, doesn’t it?

Yes indeed, this abomination is of my very own making. Penned on my way out of highschool, this was one of my first great (in size only) fanfics. And it shows, by the nine divines and all the rest of them does it fucking show. This was written in July of 2014, a little over a year after my novel. In my opinion, this period was my best and my worst at once. My ability to conceive long and epic stories was building up pretty well, but FishSlayer, the saint she is, didn’t save me from myself and prompt an entire paradigm shift in how I write fics until just last year, in 2016.

Now, 2014 was only three years ago so you’d think it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, I cringed so hard I wanted to seppuku after reading just a few paragraphs, enough to inspire putting it here, so that bad. This is going to hurt really, really badly.

I’ve got the Heresy Counter warmed up, as well as the other counters I’m going to need. Alright, you know what Dark Souls is, you know what Skyrim is, let’s go in hot.

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1704: A knightly tale – One Shot

Title: A knightly tale
Author: Falloutnv
Media: Video Games
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Blasphemy
URL: A knightly tale
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and FishSlayer

!!!Warning!!!: Contains poorly written sex and some weirdness, but thankfully doesn’t contain any triggering content beyond that. Well, the fic doesn’t contain very much triggering content, but me and Fish be crazy asf when we’re NerdRaging together.

(Riffer’s Note: FishSlayer is not a sock-puppet and is in fact a real female with real comments. And to keep my promise in Discord, I’m going on record and blaming you for this.)

Riffer’s Note Riffer’s Note: IT’S AN HONOR. It is perfect for a nice oneshit riff though. That typo wasn’t on purpose but nice. -FishSlayer)

*Hosen works diligently to find new material to Riff in his top-secret super funhouse, finally finding a good Skyrim badfic to Riff, when suddenly a disturbance in the situationally dependent quantum flux-*

FishSlayer: Leider Hosen, I found a lovely little oneshot I’m sure you’ll enjoy.

Hosen: Huh? *bonked by high-velocity badfic* Owww! Okay, I’ll read it. What’s with that expression?

FishSlayer: Kekekekekekeekek

Hosen: …Okay. Well, after the last fic, how bad can it possibly be? *reads*

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1691: The Savior – Chapters Seventeen, Eighteen, and Nineteen

 

Title: The Savior
Author: bubbersgod
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter Seventeen
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Friends. Patrons. Perverts. Homicidal Sentient Buzzers.

Heresy Counter: [*Ascending white noise* *Descending white noise*]

Much like all good things, all bad things must one day end. Here we are, at the very end of this crazy journey. This was fucking nuts in all the right ways, but it’s time to lay this shitter to bed. When we last left off, Savior Stu dropped all pretensions and declared himself bubbersgod, who is going shit all over everything Dark Souls stands for and writing conventions in general to have his overly saccharine ending. However…

Abrelepine: However what?

Let’s not spoil the surprise, let’s just say that, if my hunch is right, the ending to this story will be very entertaining.

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1680: The Savior – Chapters Fourteen, Fifteen, and Sixteen

Title: The Savior
Author: bubbersgod
Media: Video Game
Topic: Dark Souls
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter Eleven
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

!!Warning!! Flamebait ahead yonder fiction. Again, no explicit description, however what begins is one of the most outrageous, bullshit things I have ever seen. Seriously, you need to fucking see this shit.

-Leider Hosen shuffles in, more than then alive, and settles heavily into the Riffing seat with a hot cocoa and a heating blanket over his shoulders. He blinks his bloodshot eyes, Abrelepine laying a comforting arm over him-

Abrelepine: Welcome back!

Uhggg. Welcome back to The Savior! I… actually have no idea what happened last installment. I remember incomprehensible stupid and then everything went black. Did that buzzer always have a pentagram on it?

??? Counter: [Incomprehensible]

Abrelepine: To make a short story shorter, in a way where you won’t immediately shut down: bubbersgod decided he was into the story of Dark Souls for once and regaled us with his stunning interpretation of the lore, which lead to the Gary Stu/canon violation buzzer getting hit so many times in such rapid succession it spontaneously became self-aware so it could hate the fic as much as we do!

??? Counter: [Various Profanities in Satanese]

Uhggg. How bad did he botch it?

Abrelepine: He made… a simple necromancer the man behind Nito.

Uhhhh.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: He also came up with an origin story around “lite town” that involved Havel getting attacked by Nito, only instead of killing him Nito destroyed lite town, and was possessed before he could un-destroy it.

Ughhhhhhhhhh. *headdesk* I liked it better when he skipped everything.

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