Title: A knightly tale
Media: Video Games
Topic: Dark Souls
URL: A knightly tale
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and FishSlayer
!!!Warning!!!: Contains poorly written sex and some weirdness, but thankfully doesn’t contain any triggering content beyond that. Well, the fic doesn’t contain very much triggering content, but me and Fish be crazy asf when we’re NerdRaging together.
(Riffer’s Note: FishSlayer is not a sock-puppet and is in fact a real female with real comments. And to keep my promise in Discord, I’m going on record and blaming you for this.)
Riffer’s Note Riffer’s Note: IT’S AN HONOR. It is perfect for a nice oneshit riff though. That typo wasn’t on purpose but nice. -FishSlayer)
*Hosen works diligently to find new material to Riff in his top-secret super funhouse, finally finding a good Skyrim badfic to Riff, when suddenly a disturbance in the situationally dependent quantum flux-*
FishSlayer: Leider Hosen, I found a lovely little oneshot I’m sure you’ll enjoy.
Hosen: Huh? *bonked by high-velocity badfic* Owww! Okay, I’ll read it. What’s with that expression?
Hosen: …Okay. Well, after the last fic, how bad can it possibly be? *reads*
Friends. Patrons. Perverts. Homicidal Sentient Buzzers.
Heresy Counter: [*Ascending white noise* *Descending white noise*]
Much like all good things, all bad things must one day end. Here we are, at the very end of this crazy journey. This was fucking nuts in all the right ways, but it’s time to lay this shitter to bed. When we last left off, Savior Stu dropped all pretensions and declared himself bubbersgod, who is going shit all over everything Dark Souls stands for and writing conventions in general to have his overly saccharine ending. However…
Abrelepine: However what?
Let’s not spoil the surprise, let’s just say that, if my hunch is right, the ending to this story will be very entertaining.
!!Warning!! Flamebait ahead yonder fiction. Again, no explicit description, however what begins is one of the most outrageous, bullshit things I have ever seen. Seriously, you need to fucking see this shit.
-Leider Hosen shuffles in, more than then alive, and settles heavily into the Riffing seat with a hot cocoa and a heating blanket over his shoulders. He blinks his bloodshot eyes, Abrelepine laying a comforting arm over him-
Abrelepine: Welcome back!
Uhggg. Welcome back to The Savior! I… actually have no idea what happened last installment. I remember incomprehensible stupid and then everything went black. Did that buzzer always have a pentagram on it?
??? Counter: [Incomprehensible]
Abrelepine: To make a short story shorter, in a way where you won’t immediately shut down: bubbersgod decided he was into the story of Dark Souls for once and regaled us with his stunning interpretation of the lore, which lead to the Gary Stu/canon violation buzzer getting hit so many times in such rapid succession it spontaneously became self-aware so it could hate the fic as much as we do!
??? Counter: [Various Profanities in Satanese]
Uhggg. How bad did he botch it?
Abrelepine: He made… a simple necromancer the man behind Nito.
Pontiff Sulyvahn: He also came up with an origin story around “lite town” that involved Havel getting attacked by Nito, only instead of killing him Nito destroyed lite town, and was possessed before he could un-destroy it.
Ughhhhhhhhhh. *headdesk* I liked it better when he skipped everything.
!!Warning!! The usual flamebait is still ever present, but there is no explicit sex because the author got bored and obviously stopped caring to type out every instance of sexytime. So, hazzah I suppose. That said it is present, but not detailed.
Abrelepine: I can hardly believe it.
Yeah, hard to believe innit? Barely any fucking content or description to anything and the author still got even lazier!
Pontiff Sulyvahn: How remarkable.
Yup. Greeting patrons, and welcome back to the thrilling adventures of The Savior! I hope you’re enjoying yourself more than I am. Last instalment, our hero found Not!CrystalSoulSpear in New Londo and skipped out on sexytimes with Priscilla on account of him being rekt so hard it temporally knocked the plot armor right off him. He also swung by Blighttown where he discovered Quelaag has abandoned her people in Lost Izalith and is pregnant with the Stu’s offspring. His response was to praise that his reproductive faculties are indeed still working properly and that he can also get Priscilla pregnant.
Father of the year material right there!
I didn’t do any more chapters as I unleashed a floodgate of rage and reminiscence (so sorry) and would have run over the page limit, but good news! Here’s a little repayment for your patience on this crazy adventure so far, three whole chapters! (or is it a punishment?) Read the rest of this entry »
!!Warning!! Flamebait, nothing but fiery flamebait past yonder line! Thankfully we’re taking a break from the poorly written sex for the most part. Also, for those who are not fans of huge monologue rants mid Riff, there are two.
Welcome back Patrons, to The Savior! Boy, am I in a good mood after last chapter. Here’s what happened in case you missed it. Savior Stu used his corrupting influence to completely ruin Priscilla’s dignity, while turning everyone in Firelink into an asshole and showing off the profound lack of canon characters introduced in this fic. Afterwards, he went to Anor Londo and got #TyrannosaurusShrekt by Ornstein and Smough, who left him alive only for the amusement of watching him crawl feebly away from the battleground while insisting he was on top of things. If more over the top bullshit of that variety happens, the next nine chapters will be smooth sailing. Sadly, I’m not holding out hope.
Abrelepine: It’s a good thing two of us are villains because that much laughter was definitely a sin.
Pontiff Sulyvahn: I will admit the festivities were welcome. Hopefully the abuse of Lady Priscilla ceases or I may just lose my temper again.
!!Warning!! You know the drill. While not comparable to allstars like Jasmine Cumslut or Celebrian, the following riff is rife with casual sexism and substantial flamebait. There is also an explicit sex scene, so the squick is real. However! It is advisable you only skip the first part and not miss out on this one.
Welcome back patrons, to The Savior! I got a little intense last time-
Abrelepine: A little?
But this time I came prepared. I caught up on my sleep, brought a squeaky toy to squeeze, stocked up on caffeine, and I swung by the PCC and picked up some blueberry-mint flavor, maximum strength Chill Pills.
Abrelepine: Hosen, you really went shopping there?
Hey, their products may be annoying and overused, but the service was damn good and the deals are unreal. It’s no wonder so many writers shop there. Additionally, I have successfully removed Sulyvahn’s righteous antics from the previous chapter with no damage to the spacetime continuum, and confiscated his Blue Eye Orb so he doesn’t invade it again.
Pontiff Sulyvahn: You can retcon the act, but not the satisfaction.
About that. We can’t keep murdering our fic. I managed to get indicted by Badfic Protective Services and they’ve ordered an immediate cease and desist of all lethal shenanigans or there will be dire consequences.
Abrelepine: Like what?
No idea, I didn’t even know they were a thing until they ferried me this bloodied parchment via carrier pigeon. It’s pretty sternly worded so it must be serious.
!!Warning!! While the following riff contains no coercion for sex or explicit sex, it doles out some outrageous levels inflammatory content. If seeing shitty sexist people handling women in a shitty sexist way is something that gets you really miffed, you will want to skip the entire latter half of this riff. Additionally, if you love fluffy tails, the Sledgehammers of Punishment will be complimentary after I’m finished.
Abrelepine: Fluffy tails?
Pontiff Sulyvahn: Please don’t tell me my fears will be realized now.
Yeah. I’m very sorry. Will you be okay? I don’t mind if you sit this one out.
Pontiff Sulyvahn: I will not allow this work of literary rubbish to break my will.
Alright. Welcome to the next thrilling instalment of The Savior! A fic that proves that no matter how bad a badfic is, it can always get worse. When we last left off, Savior Stu sexed two of the Daughters of Chaos, making sure to rub his oh so strong, masculine manliness in Quelaan’s face in a bout of unadulterated character assassination. He then took on Sen’s Fortress, proving that no feat of heroism is too great for our intrepid Stu as he cleared the entire map in one sentence, then left another beloved Dark Souls icon in the dust and used the mighty Sword of Pretentious Name to one-shot the Iron Golem when his Necromancer Bolt (Do not steal) somehow failed to down the boss.
And… actually that’s it. Honestly it’s astonishing I can juice so much content out of this fucker because 99% of the story threads through the treacherous depths of the Formless Void and is so bare-bones everything it’s a miracle there’s a plot at all.