Hello, lovelies! As promised, Lina is getting today off. Koori is busy trying to teach the honey badger that lives under my desk… something. I’m honestly not sure what she’s trying to teach it. Knowing her, it’s best not to ask. I’m sure it’s ridiculous, and that she will succeed.
Now, onto today’s recap and riff. Last time on PB:LiW, Fauna twirled her mustache some more, Humperdumb had to pee, and Fauna proved, yet again, that she has the common sense of an inebriated wildebeest. We left off with her spying on servants that were moving the infamous pink and blue dresses into the bridal suite.
Title: Zelda Erotica: The Pegging Princess
Author: The Masked Sage
Media: Video Game
Topic: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat with special guest Syl
—THIS FIC IS NSFW/NSFC—
—I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THE TITLE—
Hello, dear Patrons!
This little oneshot is (superficially) from the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild universe, but it’s … Not exactly canon-friendly.
“So says you. Who knows what Little Miss Princess gets up to in her spare time?”
You all know Syl, of course.
:Syl winks at the Patrons:
Charming. Let’s begin with the summary, shall we?
“As long as we get to the good stuff soon, dumpling.”
Don’t worry. This fic is exactly what it says on the tin. The author has a whole collection of these fics.
With Calamity Ganon sealed, Zelda and Link allow their love to grow. After returning from an expedition, Zelda can’t wait to show Link her newest Sheikah invention: intimacy technology.
I know the Sheikah were clever and had loads of gadgets, but “intimacy technology”? What does that even mean?
“Bet you a nickel Link fucks a Guardian.”
That’s not a bet I’d want to win. Or even contemplate.
(This story is considered Zelda erotica, and it contains adult themes and content. Critiques RE the style and storytelling are encouraged, so please leave your detailed suggestions/solutions in the reviews.)
:static-filled burst of hoots and whistles:
What was that?
“I’m Skyping with the other Sisters of Sin. They didn’t want to miss Gumdrop’s Thai cooking class.”
Dammit! That was today?
“Don’t worry, Glasses says she can save you some basil chicken.”
Easy on the archeopteryx, please.
Realm of the New God riff part 4-how to make pregnancy edgy
Welcome back to the Realm of the New God riff. Last time, we read about Noah, our main character, experiencing a wired crisis of sorts after a vastly over inflated Medieval Army gets hosed down, and then thrilled in wonder as Frederick Ricken and Donnel, along with a guard, ultimately die so that the main character can get edgy.
Also, Lissa is revealed to be pregnant with Frederick’s child. Now normally, this would mean I skip most of the chapter. But since this is something that’s kind of important, as a royal heir may be in the making, I’m going to guess this becomes important.
Part 3-Plagiarizing 101
Welcome back to the somewhat occasional ramblings of some random guy on the internet talking about a fanfic that’s mostly a very blatant excuse of being an edgelord. I know it’s been a while, so why not do a recap of what’s been going on so far (which is definitely not an excuse to put in the chapters I forgot to put in the last riff).
Our resident edgelord protagonist, Noah, was driving his family from Georgia to Texas, and accidentally got in front of a drunk who was going 100mph. The resulting T-Bone has his family and the other guy dead, and Noah only has a concussion at best.
With his family dead, he somehow ends up in a version of Fire Emblem: Awakening that takes two different fanfics and mixes them up. Rather than use his meta knowledge to do something, Noah just goes with the flow, and indebtedly injures himself fighting Reina at the Ferox-Ylisse border…as a thief…by literally having a Javelin goes through his fucking leg (how he’s still in the army is beyond me).
From there, he hits it off surprisingly well with Olivia, even if the only reason these two want to get together is ostensibly because physical attraction is equivalent to true love. As Noah goes back, Donnel joins with Mozu’s backstory poorly crowbarred into his characterization, along with a Killer Lance (oh yeah, kind of forgot about that).
Naturally, we leave back where we were with Maribelle being kidnapped, and the protagonist spending valuable time saving the future or trying to alter the history of the game trying to turn Olivia into his waifu. Way to prioritize what’s necessary for the world. Thankfully though, Noah has a plan to get everything back into order.
Title: The Realm of the New God
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fire Emblem
Genre: Self Insert
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Zues Killer Productions
Warning: This particular riff has several sections that describe severe car accidents, as well as the messy results of said accidents. Putting in a trigger warning for anyone who isn’t comfortable with the subject.
Realm of the New God riff part 2-The tension of attrition
Welcome back to the riff of Realm of the New God. I apologize for the lateness in which this was delivered, as life was getting very busy.
Life: American History from 1900
Life: Shitty weather systems
Life: Call of Duty Classic and United Offensive.
Life: Legends of the Titan
I should also mention something else: I’m covering game arcs, because me reviewing every chapter in this style is about as worthwhile as using a single Lifesaver to stave off starvation for 3 days. So, without further ado, let’s finish the intro to the game.
Title: Realm of the New God
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fire Emblem Awakening
Genre: Self Insert
URL: chapter 1
Critiqued by Zeus Killer Productions
Realm of the New God riff #1-How to start an untypical typical fanfic
I apologize if this confuses some of you. See, I did do the first chapter, but my initial style, namely just describing stuff on a skim basis while not showing anything from the original fanfic, confused some people, and it’s partially my fault. I thought that I’d be able to give people a viable picture of what the fanfic was like without having to show it. Hopefully, this will not only serve as a better picture riff of what’s going on, but also allow me to improve my riffing style.
Are you ready to explore the world of Fire Emblem fanfiction? There are boundless possibilities for you to explore, such as potential AU’s, off-screen relationships between characters, and even potential ways you imagine how the games went. All of those options are indicative of a surprising amount of creativity…by following the crowd and doing what everyone else is doing.
I have such mixed feelings about this fic. On one hand, thank god it’s more coherent than Betrayal. On the other hand, not this shit again.
The things I do for you, my lovelies.
Last time, Lina was good enough to take over the riffing of this fic for me. This time, she told me to bugger off with a rusty spoon and threatened to shove a scone “somewhere entirely unpleasant” if I dared try to drag her into today’s riff. So I hog-tied her with some Vampire-Proof Rope™. Say hello to the readers, Lina.
Lina: *tied to her chair, arms pinioned at her sides* Fuck off, ya cunt.
Ooo, someone is testy today. Why don’t you recap what happened in the last riff; it might make you feel better.
Lina: *in a high, whining voice* I hate pink! I hate blue! You’re all so stupid!
Yeah, that sound about right.