Title: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored
Media: Video Game
Topic: Tales of Vesperia
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by SC, Teh Specs and Contacts
I bet you thought I was joking about inviting Contacts, huh?
Specs: I was kinda hoping you were.
Contacts: Am I gonna get my head cut off again?
We’re probably about to run smack-dab into a combat scene, so it’s possible.
Contacts: Right, then I’m out of he-
*The sound of a shotgun pump being jacked stops Contacts dead in his tracks*
Sit your ass down.
Contacts: …Right, then I’m staying right where I am, like a good boy.
Hello my lovelies!
I’ve decided to do a rotating update schedule for a little bit, to break up the pure insanity that is “Betrayal.” One can only take so much of that sort of stupid before one’s eyes go crossed. So, to break it up, I’m going to introduce you to “THE PRINCESS BRIDE: LADY IN WAITING,” a fic which is apparently yelling at us from the get go.
A quick glance at the profile shows that the author is fully capable of not using all-caps to type out fic titles, so I have no idea why they chose to do it this time. If you’d like to take a peek at the profile, be ready for the pretentious ramblings of a supposedly late-30’s obsessive Fright Night fan. Twenty-three of their twenty-four fics are Fright Night. The twenty-fourth you will be reading shortly.
Now, before we begin, I would like to say that this is a hell of a lot easier to read than “Betrayal.” That doesn’t make it better; it’s just bad in different ways. It contains questionable grammar choices and a character that made my Sue-dar buzz before I even finished reading the summary.
Before we begin, I’ll give a brief, spoiler-ridden summary of “The Princess Bride,” for anyone living under a rock these last 30 years. (And yes, Taco, this is all your fault for selecting the novel “The Princess Bride” for our family book club. I’ve just finished it and it made me realize we have not yet touched this fandom in our Library.)
Anyway, the book varies a bit from the movie but, as the author of the book also wrote the screen play, it stays relatively true to the source material. But there are a couple little differences. Given that this fic takes place in the movie-verse, I’m not going to bother pointing out variations between the book and movie. I’ll just go strictly by what happens in the movie. And that is, essentially, this:
Jenny from Forest Gump falls in love with Robin Hood, who is killed off screen. She then has to marry the voice of Jack Skellington because he’s the prince and she’s supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The prince, however, is a giant douche-hat, and hires Rex, the dinosaur from Toy Story, to kidnap and kill her, all while framing their neighboring country so they can have a nice war. Rex uses a pro-wrestler and a young Jason Gideon from Criminal Minds to accomplish this. Rhyming ensues. Then Robin Hood shows up out of nowhere because he’s not dead, he’s a pirate! He defeats Jason and the pro-wrestler but leaves them alive, then kills Rex in a match of wits that was really cheating because “Oh, I’m immune to poison LOL!” Jenny finds out who Robin Hood really is, they get kissy, then they run into a swamp to avoid the voice of Jack Skellington. In the swamp, Jenny nearly gets them both killed because useless, then a small guy in a rat suit tries to eat Robin Hood, they escape the swamp, get captured by the voice of Jack Skellington, Jenny tries to bargain for Robin Hood’s life, gets fooled because still useless, and Robin Hood ends up being the play thing of a guy who seems to be best known for impersonating a member of Spinal Tap named Nigel. Robin Hood gets killed by a machine created by Fake!Nigel, Jenny and the voice of Jack Skellington get married, and the pro-wrestler and Jason Gideon take Robin Hood’s body to Billy Crystal and his wife (Not.a.Witch) in order to bring him back to life. The 3 now-allies storm the castle by lighting the pro-wrestler on fire while he’s in a wheelbarrow (this totally works). Jason Gideon kills Fake!Nigel in revenge for Fake!Nigel killing Jason Gideon Senior, Robin Hood saves Jenny, and the pro-wrestler finds some horses they can all ride away on. The voice of Jack Skellington is, as of the end of the movie, tied to a chair, left to live knowing he was defeated by Robin Hood and his merry men.
Oh, and the whole thing is actually being read to the kid from The Wonder Years by his grandfather, Columbo.
Got it? Okay, let’s go!
Hello, and welcome back to Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored, by MrAwesomeMatty! I’m your host, SC, joined by Teh Specs, and last time, Yuri and Repede met up with Estelle and Raven, while Tai was sent off to go be broody somewhere where nobody would have to see it. Tai got a weird feeling that Yuri thought he was a bad guy, so he went to try and clear his name, but was then promptly jumped by the
Ginyu Force Schwann Brigade’s best and brightest(?), Adecor and Boccos, who had somehow mistaken him for an assassin of Leviathan’s Claw.
This week, we’re jumping into the next chapter, fittingly titled, “It all goes to hell.” And, might I add, it is so nice to be able to get through chapters quickly again.
Well, hot damn! Been a while since we’ve been here, huh?
Specs: You know, I actually forgot I was part of the riff for this fic until you dragged me in here.
Well, now that I’ve dropped the soul pain that is LAFS off my shoulders, I say we should get back to this, because it’s been far too long since we’ve had any adventures with Rainbow Tai and the Brave Vesperians. With that in mind:
Hello, and welcome back to Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored, by MrAwesomeMatty! I’m your host, SC, joined by Teh Specs, and last time, Tai, Estelle and Raven made it to Zaphias, news of which was quick to reach the ears of Yuri and Repede. Shortly after their arrival, Tai was instructed to hang out by the ramp down to the Lower Quarter, which was where the riff cut off for two whole years.
So, since I’ve had this thing on hold for so long, let’s not waste anymore time and jump back in!
I have no guests with me today. I need none. Any humor in this will either be black as pitch or extremely dry. Don’t complain; it’s still Lent at the time of writing, and I tried to give up an activity I do not have the physical fortitude to give up for forty-six days.
I don’t care if that’s too much information. I’m wallowing in failure, and the only way I can think of to lift my spirits is by riffing bad fanfiction.
I’m sure we’re all familiar with one CrashBurnGlobal, yes? The lovely ficcer who graced our library with his presence and expressed a great deal of dissatisfaction with our less than impressed reception of his work?
Unfortunately for CBG, doing this drew attention to him. It elevated him from bad ficcer of the week to someone worth looking at a little more closely, and so – being a creature driven almost entirely by curiosity and spite – I did just that.
CrashBurnGlobal has written a Steven Universe fanfiction.
Hello, naughty ficcer. It’s riffing time.
Top ‘o th’ mornin’ to ya, Patrons!
Happy St Patrick’s Day and welcome to a what I really hope is a cute little oneshot from a cute little time-wasting app called Neko Atsume!
The “game” is relatively uncomplicated; the player has a space where they can set out different foods and toys that attract cats. You can’t actually do anything with the cats except take their pictures to put in your album, but the cats reward the player with fish (that can be used to purchase more items) and the occasional collectible. The app isn’t really a “game” in my opinion, since there isn’t any interaction with the characters or any kind of goal to be reached, but it is cute and appeals to the completionist in me.
Now, you would think that the fact that there isn’t any kind of story or plot involved would make it difficult to write any kind of fanfics for this source material – but the Internet will always find a way! The characters are blank canvases that authors can project whatever they want onto. There’s fanart and fanfics and forums where people discuss their OTPs, the whole nine yards. The summary for this particular fic is fairly straightforward;
pepper tries to get patches and ginger together
Not very informative, but still – more straightforward than many summaries I’ve read.
To the fic!