*Lina plops down into Lyle’s chair and presses a few buttons on the desk.*
She owes me so much for this.
*pops her neck and rolls her shoulders*
Welcome, Patrons, to THE PURPLE BRIDE: LADY IS WHINING. I’m Lina and I’m taking over for Lyle today. She has a new work schedule and can’t be here right now.
*straightens a few papers on the desk and glances at them*
If I’ve gone over Lyle’s notes correctly, the last time we saw this fic, the Sue coerced a marriage proposal from Humperdinck while he was tied to a bed. Then they fucked, although they did so “off screen,” so the thesaurus was spared from having to come up with twenty different ways to say they fucked. Small victories.
Let’s see what this chapter has in store for us.
Title: Blue Moon
Topic: Lord of the Rings/The Smurfs
Genre: Angst and Humor
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie and Queenie
Queenie: “Australian, not Scottish.”
Queenie: “That’s why Jack calls him a kangaroo at one point.”
I will physically fight you.
Welcome back to Angie Pays for Her Sins. This time, I’m reviewing a Lord in the Rings fanfiction to repay for Brego’s Mistress.
Queenie: I went through the tiresome labor of searching for a fanfiction, and I stumbled upon a crossover between some Earth cartoon called The Smurfs. The title is also the name of a beer brand. So…that’s fun.
This fic is called Coors Light.
Queenie: That’s…nope. That’s incorrect. The fic is called Blue Moon. Let’s begin.
Title: The Competition
Topic: The Outsiders/Sing (2016)
Genre: Drama and Humor
URL: The Competition
Critiqued by Angie and Queenie
No! No! I don’t want to finish The Girl! I hate this! This fanfiction is ruining what I love about my favorite book! I won’t do it, I won’t do it, I won’t do it.
There’s really no reason to tie me up.
Queenie: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Are you having fun?
Queenie: Yeah, I’m having a good time.
Couldn’t be happier for you.
Hey, everyone. So…Queenie reminded me that I didn’t—
…couldn’t finish The Girl. And as punishment, she gave me this crapfest.
Queenie: I dig deep.
*Walks into the rifting chamber, limping like she just got off a two-day trail ride astride an obese horse*
Hello, lovelies! *sits in her chair, wincing* So, I had surgery on both legs over the course of the last two weeks, with my most recent one today actually. *props her pressure-bandaged left leg up on a stool* Since I’m out for the count right now, I figure I’ll have plenty of time to do a riff. Let’s recap and then get to it!
Last time, our author waxed poetic about Fauna-Sue attending a ball, doing her best to subtly* catch Humperdinck’s eye.
*She was as subtle as a Bird of Paradise.†
Title: A customary waffles to an isolated existence
Topic: Harry Potter/Hamilton/My Immortal
Genre: Humor and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie
It gets worse!
Welcome back, guys, gals and non-binary pals and I’m reviewing the long awaited sequel to “A spiritual waffles after an isolate existence”. This was written more than a year after the original because it’s clearly a story that needed to be continued. This sequel is significantly shorter, clocking in at just under seven hundred words, where the original was around sixteen hundred. Keep in mind these are both several chapters long. It’s also significantly worse, seeing as the grammar quality took a massive nose dive.
(Note: When I copied this onto Google Docs, it rounded out to one and a half pages. This is going to be mighty fun.)
Hello and welcome back! Originally I was going to feature some of the Thomas the Tank Engine smut I found, but decided against it. There’s only so much homosexual train sex I can subject you all to, so I think some things are better off never bringing to light.
Well, at least not until next week, anyway.
So, in lieu of of getting to see Thomas getting railed by Diesel Ten, I’ve brought you the Tom and Jerry fic “It Started With That Girl.” That Girl is probably GirlWoman, so we’re all very excited.
I mean, she is most definitely not a Sue, right!?
Layla. Layla Katherine Munson.
She’s an odd one. She stands up for Mouse/Cat friendship.
… right? Please?
She eats fish and cheese.
I suppose that’s better than the damn panda who keeps shooting up our bar.
What else? Oh, yeah. She’s half cat and half mouse.
Of course. You can’t have a Tom and Jerry fic without those two going on a homosexual romp, right? Not to say that there’s anything wrong with a homosexual romp, but Tom is like ten-times the size of Jerry. The logistics are both unlikely and/or extremely painful from Jerry’s end of things.
Hey, patrons! We’ve got a holiday coming up, so you know what that means? Yup, another holiday-themed Final Fantasy VII fic! Aren’t you just super excited!?
Tough, we’re doing it anyway. Let’s take a look at the steamy summary before we jump in!
Here’s what happens some of our fave FFVII gals do their part for Halloween.
I am suddenly filled with deep foreboding. It’s probably nothing.