2644: First contact war and Delta Twosix — One-Shots

Title: First contact war
Author: Matty414
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1, Chapter 2
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! It seems like just yesterday that we were blundering around in Myst Effect before dipping ever-so-briefly back into First War, which is doubly odd because to me at least the segment of First War before Myst Effect felt like an interminable death march.

Regardless, it’s time for one-shots again, and I figured why not go for some non-Stumanity Mass Effect alternate-contact-war drivel? Here’s the inventively-titled First contact war by Matty414!

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2635: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 13 Part 3

-WARNING-
After dancing right up to it and back again for God knows how many scenes, the ‘fic finally decides to go right out into the open with the Hiroshima reference in this chapter. Not only that, but it also gets much more current and starts throwing around War On Terror talking points in the same section. Our usual watchwords of “Try to be less incendiary than the ‘fic itself” thus leave a lot of space underneath them in this instance. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the civility and reasonableness with which people have discussed these kinds of issues in other riffs of this ‘fic before- please do your best to see that it continues.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Council finally got its ass in gear and prepared for a full-scale war against the Stumans, which they planned to prosecute by… doing nothing other than affixing a tracking device to the Stumans’ retreating flagship so that they can find the location of Earth… which they already know twice over. And this tracking device somehow involves “nanomachines” as well because basically everything in this story does.

The really sad part is, this still counts as progress for the Council.

Also, some CODbro we don’t care about had a really delayed reaction to getting hit with a biotic attack, which somehow led the human scientists to conclude that Element Zero Element U got released into Earth’s atmosphere to presumably explain the later existence of human biotics.

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2631: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 13 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time was basically nothing but a long drawn-out planning/ranting session with Grand Moff Whyney, an interchangeable member of the quarian Admiralty Blob, and their stupid AI. Unwilling to be deterred in his “inflicting massive civilian casualties on Palaven will totally convince the turians to break off conflict with us and not get the Council involved” plan, Whyney outlined a number of highly suspect invasion strategies which apparently will all be implemented simultaneously.

The first is a program to blockade the turian home system by moving Mass Relays with nanomachines (except the Relays are still being kept around so the quarians can use them so what even is the point), which involves a great deal of really confusing assumptions about how the Relays may or may not work that are never actually explained up-front.

The other is some kind of diversionary strike against Thessia so poorly explained that I don’t actually know if it involves an actual strike on Thessia with the bulk of the Stuman forces or just a fake distress call from Thessia, but either way there is still a complete communications blackout on one of the most politically important planets in Citadel Space planned so if the Council was somehow still willing to stay out of this conflict beforehand despite the Stumans’ stated plans to attack the civilian population of one of their members and terror-bombing campaign against the Citadel itself, they sure as hell won’t be later. It is also unclear whether or not there are currently Stuman special forces of some description physically on Thessia right now or not.

Oh yeah and I guess that AI is supposed to be turning evil or something because its hologram is flickering and that only ever happens due to deep flaws in an AI’s personality and not just, you know, outdated display drivers or whatever, but everybody in the top leadership in this story is so bloodthirsty and impulsive anyway that it’s basically impossible to tell the difference.

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Also, none other than the author himself has graced our comments section to take the riff in good humor and acknowledge that he wrote the story as an edgy teenager and has no idea why it got as insanely popular as it did! So maybe there’s hope for the future yet.

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2621: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 12 Part 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the peace negotiations between Gary Stumanity and the Council predictably went sideways when one of the Stumans’ annoying AIs showed up in the Council Chamber for absolutely no reason, delivered an ultimatum, and freaked everybody out. The talks were, of course, headed downhill even before that happened with the humans making ridiculous demands like a public apology for a war they started and reparations paid in gold or something, and their quarian intermediary having absolutely no strategy other than threats, but the AI certainly did a great deal to exacerbate the process. This resulted in the quarian and his disguised human entourage, just as predictably, shooting their way out of the Council Chamber.

Also, the author’s crappy knockoff John-117 got covertly landed in the Citadel Wards with some other totally-not-Spartans, a giant nuke, and multiple shipping containers full of those building-sized anime mechs.

Gosh, however are the Stumans going to make it out of this perilous predicament?!

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2617: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 12 Part 2

-WARNING-
This chapter contains some potential flamebait in the form of the author perhaps unintentionally outing himself as a “hard currency” advocate, and also making the quarians dyed-in-the-wool sexists for some reason.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Stumans sent a very purply-named warship to the Citadel to begin peace talks with the Council, with one of the Forgettable Admiralty Blob representing them in the preliminary exchanges. They agreed to send him onto the Citadel with a bunch of human troops disguised as quarians using Bullshit Holography™ for no real reason, and also made plans to detonate a nuke over the Citadel. Meanwhile, on the Council side, salarian respresentative Eistan continued to distort important intelligence and generally make an ass of himself by rambling about the physiology of the opposing delegation, and both he and Tevos T’sael freaked out about Councilor Sparatus wanting to actually have, you know, a negotiating strategy.

Also, Chris McGraw is an unstable, childish creep who doesn’t know the difference between affection and attraction. But we already knew that anyway.

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Let’s see how these peace negotiations inevitably disintegrate.

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