2430: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which I’m pretty sure is up to its second war now or possibly even third  but I am very sure has something to do with Mass Effect.

Previously, thanks to a tip by some mustache-twirling batarians, the turians finally managed to track down the Migrant Fleet on Roof, and save said batarians from complete extermination at the hands of the quarians. The quarians, indignant over the interruption of their latest unprovoked mass murder of civilian targets, called in their human pals and tried to attack the turians. Again.

This actually went about as well as you would reasonably expect- to quote Ross Scott, shooting the cops in fact means they just send a lot more cops, and with literally thousands of turian ships pouring into the system the Alliance’s ass was resoundingly kicked. Turian troops even landed on Roof’s surface, but then the Alliance decided to use shitty knockoff orbital nukes to kill everyone– turians, quarians, human civilians, and whatever else- rather than allow filthy alien feet to desecrate their sacred soil.

Unsurprisingly, this left the Hierarchy more than a little pissed.

first_war_bb_8

Read the rest of this entry »


2428: The Purple Queen – Chapters 21 (sort of) and 22

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 22
Critiqued by BatJamags

Kingdom of the Crystal Huntsman

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 147
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another chapter of The Red Queen. Last time, Sueby recruited a bunch of big elephant Grimm for no reason and nothing happened.

Chapter 21 was not an actual chapter, but rather a memorial message about the then-recent death of RWBY’s creator, Monty Oum. It’s actually reasonably well-written and it would be in poor taste for me to riff it. I only bring it up in case you’re wondering why we skipped a chapter.

While that’s a bit of a somber note, this fic is still bad and I’m still going to make fun of it. As such, let’s press on.

Endless. Pointless. Why was she still here? Why was she still sitting through this, despite more pressing, more urgent business being at her doorstep.

Switch those “she”s to “he”s, and you’ve got a good description of my experience reading this fic.

Read the rest of this entry »


2424: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 5 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which up until now I was worried was actually a 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ‘fic.

Previously, the quarians and humans had a bunch of ethnic tensions going on as the quarians colonized Eden. Then a fleet of four hundred batarian ships showed up, intent on colonizing what they thought was an uninhabited system (they call it ‘Porland’ instead of ‘Eden’ for reasons I cannot begin to fathom), no doubt loaded to the brim with mustache wax, large hams, and Campbell’s Rich & Chunky.

The batarians told the quarians running the joint defense fleet to clear off or they would tell the Council their location, and then the quarians told the batarians “don’t give our location to the people who want to arrest us for our indiscriminate murders, because if you do we’ll indiscriminately murder you as well! We’re such great people!”

Surprisingly, the batarians decided this qualified as a threat and went ahead and preemptively attacked the quarians.

first_war_bb_6.png

Read the rest of this entry »


2415: The Purple Queen – Chapter 20

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 20
Critiqued by BatJamags

It Doesn’t Matter.

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 123
Roll Call count: 7

[Sidenote: So, you know how I’ve been making all these DC Comic crossover jokes? Yeah, apparently Warner Brothers bought out Rooster Teeth and DC is now set to make an official RWBY adaptation comic. I WAS RIGHT!]

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of this fic. Last time, Yang and Jaune were still hot on Sueby’s trail, and Sueby was about to recruit some Creeps and Goliaths to her menagerie. My understanding based on author’s notes is that literally all of these previous five chapters, including the one for today, were added to accommodate those two new species of Grimm. So let’s dig in and get this over with, shall we?

Despite however much either wanted it, Ozpin could not send the Bullhead to pick them up, leaving Yang and Jaune to spend the night in Tinker, with a flight prepared for the morning.

He can’t send the Bullhead… why, exactly?

Figuring it was better than nothing, the two of them decided to spend the night in the room they had already paid for.

Wait, they paid for a night more than they were planning to spend?

When he got inside of them room, Jaune immediately took to putting the information into his Scroll, something that looked odd to Yang.

Adding notes to your phone? Weird, man.

But she didn’t question it. In fact, there were only two questions on Yang’s mind: When would she get to see Ruby? And when does she get to kill whoever tried harming her? It doesn’t matter who they were, and that was honestly what Yang felt. There would be no force on the face of Remnant who would or could stop Yang in her quest for her sister. Nothing at all.

Nothing at All Can Stop a Sentence Fragment count: 124

But that was something for another time. For now Yang reasoned it would be better to head back to Beacon, just as Jaune did. The two may be hellbent on trying to find Ruby and bring her home safely, but they also realized that certain things wouldn’t happen immediately. Plus, Jaune saw something in all of the information they’ve gathered, and apparently he had a plan. One that Yang was unaware of.

So, hang on, let me get this straight. Ruby’s almost certainly lost it and become a mass-murdering Grimm beastmaster who could try something stupid that’ll get her killed at any point, and you don’t consider finding her your main priority?

Mysterious Sentence Fragment Plan count: 125

All Yang was entirely aware of was the fact that the moment Jaune had used his authority as a hunter of Beacon to get that information from the city guards, the look in his eyes changed. If Yang had to describe it, it looked like he’d just won the lotto or something. Something he’d pieced together from everything they’d found so far seemed to have Jaune eager to get back to Beacon, even at the cost of riding in an airship, something he hates with a passion.

Get it because he got motion sickness in the first episode WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING.

Read the rest of this entry »


2411: The Purple Queen – Chapter 19

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 19
Critiqued by BatJamags

The Elephant Fragment

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 75
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of this. Last time, I would not technically say that nothing happened, so I suppose that’s an improvement over the two chapters before that. What’s that they say about faint praise?

Anyway, some random Atlesian troops were randomly besieging a random Vale village for some random reason, and Ruby randomly killed them all. Meanwhile, Yang and Jaune came to the shocking conclusion that – *gasp* – Ruby wants revenge on the dumbass conspirators!

Right, so anyway, let’s get started!

“It hurts. Dust damnit, it hurts like hell!”

– BatJamags’ thoughts on the narration.

Read the rest of this entry »


2405: The Purple Queen – Chapter 18

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 18
Critiqued by BatJamags

Get Me Pictures of the Red Queen, Parker!

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 64
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another chapter of the fic that has been doing literally nothing whatsoever for the last two or three chapters. Let’s see if we can keep up the streak.

Not… quite what I had in mind, but it’s sure as hell more entertaining than this fic.

The morning was just another to Ruby, of course. Wake up, train with her sweetheart for an hour or so, and take a nice relaxing bath. As to what was different? She was currently pulling fibers from the large plants around the area and weaving them together, making a sort of braid about six inches in length, and about half an inch in diameter. After sizing over her work and looking suitably proud of it, Ruby took her growing hair, which by this point reached to just below her shoulder blades, and tied it together in a plain old ponytail using the fiber rope to hold it in place. Simple solutions to simple problems.

For those of you just tuning in, this is basically a sped-up version of the last third of the last chapter. The fic’s pace has slowed so much that we went backwards.

Read the rest of this entry »


2401: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Last time, the unnecessary face-to-face meeting between the Alliance and the quarians devolved into an unnecessary gunfight between the Alliance and the quarians after the quarians saw an AI and freaked out. But then the humans and their Spartan-knockoffs wiped the floor with the quarians and all was made fine and dandy  and the AI got to preach a bunch, so this didn’t really amount to anything other than making the last few chapters both a peaceful cheerleader First Contact and a curbstomp First Contact at the exact same time.

I didn’t even know that was possible, but HFY finds a way.

first_war_bb_4

Read the rest of this entry »