2554: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Four, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

All right, time to finish up chapter twenty-four with yet more thrilling shopping!  Honestly, it’s weird that the fic has had so many chapters where the party stops to do some shopping.  Crunchy, hit us with that unhelpful recap!

“Machinational machinery malfunctions, token equine inclusions, and looming immobile murderous marauders.”

Ah, sweet poetic nonsense.  Let’s get cracking!

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2547: Task Farce Ash Guest Riff chapters 11 and 12

Title: Task Force Ash
Author: Ghost509
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokémon and Call of Duty
Genre: Adventure and “Romance”
URL: Chapter 11 and Chapter 12
Critiqued by Zeus Killer Productions

Judger: So the next chapter begins with Damien’s former Pokémon waking, having apparently lost all memory of the night before (which considering the type of abuse, is sadly plausible), with Rosa comforting them. Ash, after trying to get the 141 to stop using a hospital gurney as a battering ram for some reason, walks in, and the new trio immediately start thinking he’s “drop dead handsome.”

Because Pokémon obviously have the same standards of beauty as humans.

Svarti: So when asked what happened, Ash lies, and claims that he saved them from your standard Hentai Ugly Bastard, because it might be problematic if he’s arrested for first degree murder, even if the guy was a (exaggerated) douche. Also, this-

“I guess you could say that.” Ash said, his smile faltering ever so slightly. Rosa gently squeezed his shoulder in reassurance. She knew Ash hated to lie(unless he absolutely needed to) and, in this case, he did and didn’t. But still, she knew why he was doing this.

Anyway, the three females let the information settle in. They were almost raped. Their virginities, future, and innocence, almost taken away from them. Almost, being the key word. Ash had saved them. In their opinions they were now indebted to him. But the three lost their trains of thought, as Ash got up from his chair, while putting on his hat.

Judger: Because we needed more girls into his ducking harem. At this rate, he’s going to nab every single female on the planet.

Zeus: So Rosa states that she’ll always be by his side, when a flying pyramid shows up. Turns out the Kanto Battle Pyramid decided to show up, having heard of Ash coming here (and of course, the three females want to jump Ash’s bones because why not add even more women into the fucking harem?) and passing the cheerleaders, who are discussing how they can get laid like Ash.

Remember when the 141 were trained badasses? Me neither.

Svarti: So the chapter ends with the two groups meeting, just like what happened with the other gang. Curiously, the author felt prudent to leave this authors note at the start of the final chapter.

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2543: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to Mass Effect: The First War. In fact, after this chapter, we will officially be more than halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War.

Hooray!

Holy fuck, we’re still only halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War. Shit.

Anyways, last time Grand Moff Whyney had brief second thoughts about the whole “destroy Palaven for really no reason other than OUTRAGE!!!!” plan, was talked back into it by his random OC personal assistant, then gave a speech enthusiastically promoting the idea. No mention was made of the fact that the whole thing was, in fact, started by the quarians’ casual brutality and perpetuated by their ass-covering lies.

Also, the turians have the Forerunner Dreadnought from Halo because why invent anything original when you can just shallowly copy much better writing, amiright?

first_war_bb_11

But, hey, at least that asshole Chris McGraw wasn’t in this story, right?

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2539: Task Force Ash – “Chapter 9” and Chapter 10

Title: Task Force Ash
Author: Ghost509
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokémon and Call of Duty
Genre: Adventure / “”””””””Romance””””””””
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Zeus, Svarti, Ramirez, Judger, and special guest Anakin “The Chosen One” Skywalker

*Holo-Recording starts up*

Zeus: Welcome to yet another part of the TFA riff, where we examine just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Svarti: In the last two riffs, Ash became an even bigger Sue, we had a sex scene for 1/4 of a chapter, and the rest was spent glorifying this massive dick with a murder spree.

Ramirez: And in other news, chapter 9 is actually an authors note asking for help. Normally we’d skip it…

Judger: But we’ll let it speak for itself.

*Buzzsaw Noises*

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2538: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Three, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz *SNERK*

*Taco sits bolt upright*

Whazza?  How long was I out?  *Checks his phone* A week!?  Oh, this damn boring fic.  Crunchy!

*Crunchy’s eyelids slide open and he straightens his neck from resting position.*  “Hmm.  Wednesday already?”

Already?

“When you reach my age, you will learn the importance of napping.”

Dude, a week is closer to a coma.

“When you reach my age, you will learn the importance of limited duration comas.”

Whatever, what happened last week?

“Discussion, reiteration, bathing,” *Crunchy picks up a piece of paper which was left on the desk* “and apparently ‘the girls’ were placed in confinement.”

Fabulous, let’s finish this chapter off.  It’s the second-to-last interlude chapter, so hopefully we’ll only have to suffer through this level of meandering pointlessness one more time.

“The typical level of meandering pointlessness will remain, yes?”

Sadly, this is true.

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2537: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, Grand Moff Whyney twirled his mustache some more about destroying Palaven and some turian colonies, and a turian ship that somehow survived the massacre on the borders of the Sol System bombarded Tokyo, and Not-Master-Chief the Not-SPARTAN wandered around and killed some dudez in the rubble, and… that was about it, actually!

first_war_bb_11

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2530: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 10 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, the Council bickered a lot about how best to backstab the turians for temporary advantage over the humans (which, honestly, remains the most in-character anyone has ever been in this ‘fic), and the humans reaffirmed their commitment to utterly destroy Palaven (and also the turians’ oldest colony planet) even though their leadership now knows that the whole conflict was started by the mass-murdering quarians under false pretenses. Also they are literally being led by Grand Moff Tarkin.

I have to wonder- was this information ever made public, or is everyone other than Director Whyney still being fed the lie that all of this was the turians’ fault? Because last time Whyney said that he was committed to the whole “Cipritine is too remote” business because of public pressure (which is bullshit, BTW, because a government that only ever does what’s popular is hardly a government at all) and presumably revealing that it was in fact the quarians’ fault might dim the fires just a little.

Oh yeah, and we POV’d one of those stupid SPARTAN knockoffs (WHO IS TOTALLY NOT THE MASTER CHIEF WITH LESS PERSONALITY, GUYZ!) for a while as he fucked around taking out turian anti-air guns in Tokyo, and it was all pretty pointless, so I am sure we will be seeing much more of him in the future.

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