2203: The Blue-Haired Tyrant: A Slime’s Perspective – Oneshot

Title: The Blue-Haired Tyrant: A Slime’s Perspective
Author: Howling Din
Media: Video Game
Topic: Slime Rancher
Genre: Humor/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

Because I’ve had a terrible week and need something light and frothy that I don’t really have to concentrate on, I’m bringing you a little oneshot from a cute little game we haven’t covered before – Slime Rancher!

Image result for slime rancher

Slime Rancher is, as you might have guessed from the name, is a farming simulator of sorts and like most simulators there’s a very minimal amount of plot. You play as Beatrix, a new resident of the Far Far Range on an alien planet far from Earth. This planet contains unique lifeforms, the various slimes, that produce a valuable resource called “plorts” when you feed them. (Yes, it’s their poop. Which they will eat if given a chance. Try not to think about it too much.) Most of the “farming” is done using a Vac-Gun, which allows you to gather resources (food, plorts, slimes) and then shoot them into or at things. As you progress through the game you unlock different areas with different slimes that have different properties, such as Rad Slimes that have a radioactive aura surrounding them, or Tangle Slimes, who can send roots underground to nab plorts and chickens from other areas. The more dangerous or problematic the slime, the more valuable their plort may be – I say “may” because the prices fluctuate and the game has an actual reactive market system as well; selling a lot of one particular type of plort will cause the price to drop and hording a bunch of plorts rather than selling them makes them more scarce and thus more valuable. It’s quite relaxing to play, as long as you don’t think about how you’re imprisoning creatures and force-feeding them for profit.

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2202: If Brawls Subspace Emissary had dialogue – Introduction and Chapters 1 and 2

Title: If Brawls Subspace Emissary had dialogue
Author: Vic0911
Media: Video Game
Topic: Smash Brothers
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL:  IntroductionThe first fight and the aftermath, and the start of Pits adventure
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the Library for more fun times. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and… well, we’re about to do something completely different today.

So you’ll notice that, with most times in the Library, we have a lot of people trying to write fanfics like they are literally a film. Invariably, they all fall flat, because film and written media are nowhere near the same thing. So of course, because authors don’t know how to parse out the differences, we get epic fails all around.

Today’s fail on that front is… decidedly different. Not only is it naked plot regurgitation, not only is it literally trying to be video game cutscenes, not only is it in script format… well…

I’ll let the summary explain:

This fanfiction is basically what the title says. I liked Subspace, but I wanted some dialogue in it, since some scenes didn t make sense to me. I recommend playing Subspace or watching a Walkthrough to understand everything. But the game is 10 Years old. So, I think you would know everything already.

So basically, what you’re saying is that this whole story’s existence is actually kinda unnecessary, and your media literacy is so poor that you don’t know how to read visual storytelling.

*cracks knuckles*

This is gonna be fun! Read the rest of this entry »


2201: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twelve, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

It’s Wednesday again, so you know what that means?

“You subject me to the least Star Wars-like Star Wars fic you could find?”

Well, not ONLY that, but largely that, yes.  Last time not a lot happened.  Essentially Vikki took the ten minutes of the game you spend on the Dampé hookshot quest and stretched it out to five-thousand words of her characters talking about the quest and bumbling around.  Oh, and Dampé the malformed gravedigger has been replaced with Shad’s model from Twilight Princess, because sexy.  We ended the riff last week right as the party finally got themselves into the caves under Dampé’s grave and met up with his ghost.

“That is distressingly terse for as long as the entry was last week.”

Unfortunately Vikki isn’t really aware that there is a difference between fleshing-out a scene, and padding it to within an inch of its life.  Speak of which, let’s dive back into the padding already in progress!

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2200: Doom: Repercussions of Evil

[As promised, we’re actually getting the guest riffs up. Here’s a little Halloween riff from Delta… four days after Thanksgiving. Whoops. – BatJamags]

Title: Doom: Repercussions of Evil/ Mark II
Author: Peter Chimarea (Original)/ Abby Zanella (Mark II)
Media: Video Game
Topic: Doom
Genre: Sci-Fi/Parody (Original)/ Horror/Sci-Fi (Mark II)
URL: Original/Mark II
Critiqued by Delta XIII

Happy Spoop Month, friends!

Well, here we are. Picking the lowest of low-hanging fruit. A story that rivals My Immortal and Full-Life Consequences in the realm of So Bad It’s Good:
Doom: Repercussions of Evil

Honestly, I’m a little surprised no one else has riffed this fic, even just for a laugh.

Now, the original fic is too short to riff by itself, so I’ve decided to add on a little something extra: Repercussions of Evil Mark II, a rewrite of the infamous story that gives it proper spelling, grammar, and prose, making it an actual story.
This should be fun.

So, without further ado, let’s rip and tear into it, shall we?

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2199: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 3

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m coming out swinging again for another less-than-fantastic chapter of Mandalorian Effect!

Last time, the Mandalorians engaged in “diplomacy” with the quarians, Mando Stu obviously started lusting after Tali and (*gag*) vice versa, and now they’re one fleet with a name so stupid I can’t even be bothered to repeat it. The Discount Malevolence is the flagship because fuck you the Stu is more important.

Now, in this chapter… Oh, fucking hell. Hello, Council Bashing! How have you been? It’s been a long five minutes since I’ve seen you.

Hey guys next chapter.

 Why thank you for gracing us with your infinite wisdom, author. How else could we have possibly known that the next chapter was starting?

Nothing new to say so lets just get on with it.

Are you for fucking real? Let me put this in big bold letters, just for any patrons who may be confused on the point.

If you don’t have anything to say, don’t write a fucking author’s note. If what you have to say is not directly related to the story, don’t write an author’s note. If what you have to say can be communicated through the narrative, don’t write an author’s note. Put it in future chapters or edit previous ones accordingly. If you want to respond to reviews, do it by PM. If, for some reason, these qualifications haven’t eliminated anything you would want to say in an author’s note, then put it at the bottom of the chapter. Professional authors don’t need ANs, and neither do you.

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How to Not End Up in the Library: Eat Your SPaGhetti, Children

“SC! What gives? This isn’t that OC-making tip you traded Bats for!”

You’re right: it’s not. That’s because I feel like, with my current riff, this is a topic that needs addressing now, rather than later on down the line. Oh sure, the OCs in that fic are shit too, so I could have gone either direction, but considering my terrible habit of just not writing my riffs, I suspect it won’t be too long before I have the OC one done and ready to go.

However, for today, we’re going to focus on a facet of writing which is of critical importance if you want anybody to take your story seriously: spelling and grammar.

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2198: Sam, the GunWielding Nord – Oneshot

 

Title: Sam, the GunWielding Nord
Author: Gluten Free Sandvich/NordChicken09
Media: Video Game
Topic: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons! I hope all my fellow Americans -and residents of any other country that has succumbed to the Black Friday madness – are enjoying the annual Festival of Buying that follows after the Festival of Eating. Welcome to what will probably be the last Skyrim fic for a while. Unless I find some when I go looking for holiday fics, that is.

The description summary is very light, it only states that this is a “modern” Skyrim fan story, which together with the title leads me to assume that it is definitely going to be an AU fic.

Sam the Gun-wielding Nord

A skyrim fan story

By NordChiken09

:looks up at header:

Huh. Either the author changed their name after posting this, which is unlikely since their account has had zero activity on it, or they wrote it for another site and just copy and pasted the whole thing without bothering to change anything.

chapter 1: D9jrf2 destruction

Gesundheit.

Sam ran around back. A bullet pierced his shoulder and went deep.

That’s what happens when you go to one of those back alley bullet piercers.

He stumbled, but regained his balance and resumed his task of finding his cousin, Brendan.

I think I would be more concerned with finding out who shot me – unless Brendan was the trigger man.

He rounded the corner and jumped behind a fake rock, connected to water tubing which flooded the miniature plastic waterfall.

Why did Sam just connect himself up to a waterfall of plastic? I thought he was in a hurry.

Sam took off his ruined leather jacket, stained with blood. He soaked it in the water.

NO! DON’T JUST DUNK LEATHER IN WATER!!!!

You are going to absolutely ruin it. To get blood out of leather you need a little warm water, gentle soap frothed into foam, and a soft cloth.

The stains didn’t come off, but at least the blood was gone.

…So the blood is gone, but there’s still a bloodstain?  How do?

Another bullet, flaming this time, flew past his head and wedged into a tree, setting it on fire.

Something tells me the author has managed to confuse bullets with arrows.

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