1877: Toxic Promises – Oneshot

Title: Toxic Promises
Author: Girl With The Dandelion
Media: Movies
Topic: Land Before Time / Jurassic Park
Genre: Romance / Angst
URL: Toxic Promises
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey,patrons,welcomebacktoWednesday!Ididn’tsleepwelllastnightandhavehadfivecupsofcoffeeinthelasthoursoletsgetriffing!

BAAAAAAAA!

*GONG*

Thanks, bud, I think I’m good now.

So, it wouldn’t be a one-shot marathon without something with dinosaurs in it!

BAAAAAA!

Adopted doesn’t count because it wasn’t a one-shot.

Anyway, for our obligatory Dinosaur fic, I’ve got a cross that could possibly work!  It doesn’t, but it could!  The cross is Land Before Time and Jurassic Park.  And I’m saying it could work because they both involve dinosaurs.  You know, sorta like how The Shawshank Redemption and Ace Ventura both have humans in it!

Since neither of these are new canons, we can just get right to it with the summary!

What normally would have taken months, even years to adjust to, took only a few minutes for Cera to fathom.

Hey look, overwrought prose in an angst fic, who could have predicted that!?

BAAA.

Look, personally I consider the word misuse a bonus, but you can call it what you like.

Given that summary and the edgelord name “Toxic Promises” you all should have some idea of what we’re getting into.  So let’s go!

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1834: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored, Chapter 8

Title: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored
Author: MrAwesomeMattyDA
Media: Video Game
Topic: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Adventure/Humor
URL: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by SC, Teh Specs and Book Specs

*Specs wanders into the riffing chamber*

Specs: Sorry I’m late, I overslept. Again. Because for some reason, Booky didn’t whoop my ass awake toda-

*Book Specs turns and adjusts his glasses at Specs*

Specs: …Well, that would explain it.

I’m gonna go ahead and ignore the fact that Booky beating the ever-loving shit out of you is how you keep on schedule.

Specs: I mean, it’s effective, isn’t it?

…So anyhow, while we were waiting for you to get here, Booky was telling me about the one and only time he ever took on an apprentice.

Specs: Oh yeah?

Yeah, it didn’t end well for the apprentice:

Yes, Booky’s apprentice was a Megumin cosplayer. No, I don’t know why.

According to Booky, modern-day magi are fucking useless.

*Book Specs rolls his eyes and adjusts his glasses*

Specs: He says that’s an understatement.

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1712: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Fourteen, Part Two

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
Url: Chapter Fourteen
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Takemaru got an upgrade. It took the entire riff for it to happen, though, because Stone-Man85 seems to think that he needs to complicate things far more than is actually necessary.

This week… well, a question for you two: How would you rate yourselves in regards to outdoor survival?

Paulo: I was a knight and participated in more than my fair share of battles during the whole of my career. I will let that stand on its own.

Scarlet: I’m a nomadic mercenary who comes for the battles and leaves when there aren’t any. I can’t really think of a time when I’m not camping on the road that doesn’t inevitably involve killing someone.

Well, then you’ll both probably be rather annoyed by the end of this week’s riff, because we talk about survival! Or, rather, Alex does. Take that as you will.

Scarlet: Oh.

Paulo: *sigh*

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1676: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Four

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Thirteen
Critiqued by SC, Scarlet, and Sir Paulo Rori

Hello, and welcome back to “Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors,” by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, we finally learned why Alex got yoinked into the past – because the gods Spirit Kings of the Forest (fuck me, that hurts to type) gazed into the future, which they’re kind of not allowed to do because of obvious implications, and decided they didn’t like how the world was evolving, particularly since a devil with a really dumb name had a hand in fucking everything up along the way. So, their solution was to force some rando kid to fix the problems in the past that would lead to the future that he comes from – you know, because that can’t have any negative ramifications whatsoever. But lo and behold, pooling their collective powers together to kidnap some shithead through time and space kind of fucked them over, and now they’re slowly dying, so nice job, fellas.

Oh yeah, and it’s important to note here that Alex is apparently trapped in a perpetual time loop, thanks to how Somiesa’s dialogue has been worded. So thanks a fucking lot, you dicks, now Alex gets to fuck up our reality for time immeasurable.

Paulo: If I start growing some demonic gauntlet powered by my own rage, I will commit suicide.

Scarlet: I’m pretty sure I had one at one point.

Yeah, and then I remembered this fic existed and scrapped that idea.

Scarlet: And I was just starting to like the thing, too…

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1670: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Three

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Thirteen
Critiqued by SC, Scarlet, and Sir Paulo Rori

Hello, and welcome back to “Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors,” by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, Alex met an Ent-Ape-Thingo-Whatsit named Character I Totally Didn’t Steal From N’jata, who told him, “Yeah, bro, we were the douchebags who brought you here, and we can’t send you back either for reasons and shit. But that’s okay, you gotta save the world anyhow!” Understandably, Alex (as well as myself) was all, “Que?” but we couldn’t really get into what the idiotic reasoning was because I suddenly realized how stupid long part two would have been if I riffed the roughly one-third of the chapter that I copied down into my word processor all in one go, so I had to end it there. We’ll be picking up where we left off, which was right when Stolen OC the Ent-Ape-Thingo-Whatsit was about to give possibly the single most bullshit answer I’ve ever read:

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1661: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part Two

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Thirteen
Critiqued by SC, Scarlet, and Sir Paulo Rori

Hello, and welcome back (finally!) to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and my God, am I ready to get back to this.

Before that, though, a few things are going to be different with this riff:

-Due to the fact that I could only riff small bits and pieces of chapters at a time with my phone, much of this riff has dragged on for far longer than was necessary. With my new laptop, I should be able to cut down on that crap substantially.

-Also due to the fact that I could only riff small bits and pieces with my phone, there were frequently times where the riff was either really boring or really frustrating, without much in between to break up the monotony, hence why I put it on hold for so long in the first place. That should clear up with my new laptop as well, since I can riff bigger chunks at a time, now.

-From now on, there’s only going to be two riffing guests, and they won’t be interchanging every week like what was happening before. Looking back now, it was honestly more of a “dude, really?” thing than a “hey, this is pretty neat” thing like I was going for.

And on that note, let’s introduce our permanent new riffing buddy! You guys already know Paulo well enough, I should hope.

Paulo: So should I, seeings as how I have been present since chapter one.

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1657: My Inner Life: Chapter 24 Part 2

Title: My Inner Life
Author: Link’s Queen
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda
Genre: None
URL: Whole Story
Critiqued by Erttheking

Ert:  This is it.  After this, this godforsaken story is finally, FINALLY, over.

Nora:  *Cracks knuckles*  Bring it on

After we arrived home, we stabled the horses, I put our son to bed then joined Link the tub room. When I got there, he had the tub already filled with hot water and (28)laxiousflower.

Ert:  Two seconds in and we’re already getting hit over the head with this crud.  Ok, what’s it this time?

(29) Laxiousflowers are small purple flowers with herbal powers. These small flowers are only found in the forest and are mainly dried then crushed into a power to use in healing potions or into a liquid for use in herbal tub bathes. When the vapors are breathed in, the medicine of the flower helps to relieve pain and relax tense sore muscles. It is also said that the scent of these flowers occasionally causes seductiveness’, causing one to become easily aroused. Sometimes the vapors from these flowers are used to help a couple relax during intercourse, thus helping the couple experience longer intense periods of lovemaking. aphrodisiac

Ert:  Oh for fuck’s sake.

Nora:  An aphrodisiac huh?  So, we really are heading back to this stories roots.  I can’t wait for there to be laughably bad science on top of all the sex.  Are they trying to make their kid strong again by constantly having sex?  Are we still on that train of batshit insane logic?

Goeth:  Who in the world uses a potential aphrodisiac in a healing potions?  I know we tend to let a lot slide in the “side effects may include” category, but this is seriously pushing it.

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