Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Valkyrie put the hurtin’ on some
cartel revolutionary goons, broke some more Geneva Convention articles whilst interrogating a guy, then Jack left his computer unlocked with the file he doesn’t want people seeing open for anybody to read, because, you know, that’s smart… oh yeah, and Sports Shades said a real dumb thing and now Shades is distributing punishment as she sees fit.
*Sounds of screaming and the repeated inserting of foot in ass*
*And then there were flamethrowers*
Do I think he’ll learn his lesson? No, but at least it’s entertaining in the moment.
Thanks, bud, I think I’m good now.
So, it wouldn’t be a one-shot marathon without something with dinosaurs in it!
Adopted doesn’t count because it wasn’t a one-shot.
Anyway, for our obligatory Dinosaur fic, I’ve got a cross that could possibly work! It doesn’t, but it could! The cross is Land Before Time and Jurassic Park. And I’m saying it could work because they both involve dinosaurs. You know, sorta like how The Shawshank Redemption and Ace Ventura both have humans in it!
Since neither of these are new canons, we can just get right to it with the summary!
What normally would have taken months, even years to adjust to, took only a few minutes for Cera to fathom.
Hey look, overwrought prose in an angst fic, who could have predicted that!?
Look, personally I consider the word misuse a bonus, but you can call it what you like.
Given that summary and the edgelord name “Toxic Promises” you all should have some idea of what we’re getting into. So let’s go!
Title: Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored
Media: Video Game
Topic: Tales of Vesperia
URL: Chapter Eight
Critiqued by SC, Teh Specs and Book Specs
*Specs wanders into the riffing chamber*
Specs: Sorry I’m late, I overslept. Again. Because for some reason, Booky didn’t whoop my ass awake toda-
*Book Specs turns and adjusts his glasses at Specs*
Specs: …Well, that would explain it.
I’m gonna go ahead and ignore the fact that Booky beating the ever-loving shit out of you is how you keep on schedule.
Specs: I mean, it’s effective, isn’t it?
…So anyhow, while we were waiting for you to get here, Booky was telling me about the one and only time he ever took on an apprentice.
Specs: Oh yeah?
Yeah, it didn’t end well for the apprentice:
According to Booky, modern-day magi are fucking useless.
*Book Specs rolls his eyes and adjusts his glasses*
Specs: He says that’s an understatement.
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Url: Chapter Fourteen
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Takemaru got an upgrade. It took the entire riff for it to happen, though, because Stone-Man85 seems to think that he needs to complicate things far more than is actually necessary.
This week… well, a question for you two: How would you rate yourselves in regards to outdoor survival?
Paulo: I was a knight and participated in more than my fair share of battles during the whole of my career. I will let that stand on its own.
Scarlet: I’m a nomadic mercenary who comes for the battles and leaves when there aren’t any. I can’t really think of a time when I’m not camping on the road that doesn’t inevitably involve killing someone.
Well, then you’ll both probably be rather annoyed by the end of this week’s riff, because we talk about survival! Or, rather, Alex does. Take that as you will.
Hello, and welcome back to “Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors,” by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, we finally learned why Alex got yoinked into the past – because the
gods Spirit Kings of the Forest (fuck me, that hurts to type) gazed into the future, which they’re kind of not allowed to do because of obvious implications, and decided they didn’t like how the world was evolving, particularly since a devil with a really dumb name had a hand in fucking everything up along the way. So, their solution was to force some rando kid to fix the problems in the past that would lead to the future that he comes from – you know, because that can’t have any negative ramifications whatsoever. But lo and behold, pooling their collective powers together to kidnap some shithead through time and space kind of fucked them over, and now they’re slowly dying, so nice job, fellas.
Oh yeah, and it’s important to note here that Alex is apparently trapped in a perpetual time loop, thanks to how Somiesa’s dialogue has been worded. So thanks a fucking lot, you dicks, now Alex gets to fuck up our reality for time immeasurable.
Paulo: If I start growing some demonic gauntlet powered by my own rage, I will commit suicide.
Scarlet: I’m pretty sure I had one at one point.
Yeah, and then I remembered this fic existed and scrapped that idea.
Scarlet: And I was just starting to like the thing, too…
Hello, and welcome back to “Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors,” by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, joined by Sir Paulo Rori and Scarlet of Mesyth, and last time, Alex met an Ent-Ape-Thingo-Whatsit named Character I Totally Didn’t Steal From N’jata, who told him, “Yeah, bro, we were the douchebags who brought you here, and we can’t send you back either for reasons and shit. But that’s okay, you gotta save the world anyhow!” Understandably, Alex (as well as myself) was all, “Que?” but we couldn’t really get into what the idiotic reasoning was because I suddenly realized how stupid long part two would have been if I riffed the roughly one-third of the chapter that I copied down into my word processor all in one go, so I had to end it there. We’ll be picking up where we left off, which was right when Stolen OC the Ent-Ape-Thingo-Whatsit was about to give possibly the single most bullshit answer I’ve ever read:
Hello, and welcome back (finally!) to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and my God, am I ready to get back to this.
Before that, though, a few things are going to be different with this riff:
-Due to the fact that I could only riff small bits and pieces of chapters at a time with my phone, much of this riff has dragged on for far longer than was necessary. With my new laptop, I should be able to cut down on that crap substantially.
-Also due to the fact that I could only riff small bits and pieces with my phone, there were frequently times where the riff was either really boring or really frustrating, without much in between to break up the monotony, hence why I put it on hold for so long in the first place. That should clear up with my new laptop as well, since I can riff bigger chunks at a time, now.
-From now on, there’s only going to be two riffing guests, and they won’t be interchanging every week like what was happening before. Looking back now, it was honestly more of a “dude, really?” thing than a “hey, this is pretty neat” thing like I was going for.
And on that note, let’s introduce our permanent new riffing buddy! You guys already know Paulo well enough, I should hope.
Paulo: So should I, seeings as how I have been present since chapter one.