2777: Dovakhiin, stays true to being a hero, faces his demons with modesty – Oneshot
Posted: April 2, 2021 Filed under: Uncategorized 34 CommentsTitle: Dovakhiin, stays true to being a hero, faces his demons with modesty
Author: GarrusIsABadass
Media: Video Game
Topic: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim/Pulp Fiction?
Genre: Suspense/Spiritual
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Hello, my dear Patrons, and welcome to another short oneshot from the Skyrim section. Despite being quite short, the fic has one of the longest titles I’ve ever seen.
To the summary!
Dovakhiin and Jaree-Ra, a fued of two Argonians, as they both learn their both learn their own experiences together through blood, sweat, and tears, as they both have experiences together that will spiritually rebirth them both, get more than they bargained for chasing each other in Solitude, Lights Out! Contains themes of torture.
The “Lights Out!” bit is a reference to a small side quest available in Skyrim; JaRee-Ra is a sketchy Argonian who hangs around near the Winking Skeever pub in Solitude and offers the Dragonborn the chance to make some money. His dialogue is couched in vague terms, boiling down to “There’s this ship coming into port; it sure would be a shame if the light in the lighthouse went out and the ship crashed.” You go to the lighthouse, extinguish the fire at the top, and then return to Jaree-Ra to be given the location of the now wrecked ship where his sister Deeja is waiting. Of course the Dragonborn is betrayed and has to murder their way out of the wreckage, stopping to get the location of the treasure from a note Deeja has conveniently in her inventory. This takes the Dragonborn to Broken Oar Grotto, a cave where the marauders kept their ship only to have it sealed in during a cave-in. It is also one of the more visually appealing locations, and a nice change after the countless Nordic tombs and falmer dens.
This might also be a good time to mention that most of this author’s other fics heavily feature a spanking fetish. Just FIY.
Footsteps of Argonian skin was heard throughout Solitude people looking in confusion,
I too am feeling the confusion.
2684: 1971 – The Vietnam Experience — Crappy Pasta
Posted: October 6, 2020 Filed under: 1971 - The Vietnam Experience, Admiral Sakai, Crappy Pasta, Creepypasta, Uncategorized | Tags: Boring, Crappypasta Spooptacular, Creepypasta, History, Mall Ninjutsu, Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut UP!!!!!, Tryhard with a Vengeance, WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN 40 CommentsTitle: 1971 – The Vietnam Experience
Author: Sanjoaquincounty58
Media: IRL
Topic: Historical
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: 1971 – The Vietnam Experience
Critiqued by: Admiralsakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon
Hello hello all you patrons! Think about death and leave the door open for Santa the Killer, because it’s that time of year again. This month, we interrupt your standard scheduled smug Stumanity stupidity for a shitty selection of silly Spooptacular shenanigans! The wind is picking up, the leaves are turning… and absolutely none of that matters because Trick-or-Treat is cancelled and I haven’t been outside of my thermostat-controlled apartment in two weeks straight. Truly, this is the crisis I was born for!
“You should talk. I’ve been sitting down here twiddling my fins ever since Christmas! When’re you going to riff some more glubbin’ Lovecraft stuff, anyways? That was supposed to be, like, your thing!”
Oh, do you want the Mass Effect-Mythos crossover where H. P. Lovecraft’s entire corpus exists in-universe, or 58,000 words of humanoid Great Old Ones discussing comic books? Because other than that the Cthulhu Mythos section of fanfiction.net is actually pretty thin and for some unknown reason also partially in Spanish. (The AO3 Cthulhu Mythos section is slightly thicker and swaps out Russian for Spanish, but like everything on AO3 is 90% nonsensical fetish ‘fics and 10% boring fluff.)
“Ooof, yeah, good point. Creepypasta it is, then! Roll it!”
2683: Silence of the Wookies – Oneshot
Posted: October 4, 2020 Filed under: Silence of the Wookies, Star Wars, The Silence of the Lambs, Uncategorized | Tags: batjamags, Boring, Crossover, Horror, Humor, Movie, Silence of the Lambs, Star Wars 25 CommentsYou’re reading about another dimension, a dimension not only of prose and narrative but of pure, concentrated suck. A journey into a twisted land whose boundaries are that of a poor writer’s feeble imagination. That’s the header up ahead—your next stop, the Badfic Zone!
Title: Silence of the Wookies
Author: Angela M
Media: Film
Topic: Silence of the Lambs/Star Wars
Genre: Horror/Humor
URL: Silence of the Wookiees
Critiqued by BatJamags
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back! I’m actually a little behind on writing my next riff, but luckily, I had a little something in my back pocket – a riff from the first Badfic Zone that I dropped to replace it with something else.
Submitted for your derision: a crossover that… uh. You know what, just take a look at this and see for yourself.
2655: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised – Day (Chapter) Four
Posted: August 19, 2020 Filed under: Star Wars, Two Sith Lords and an Elf, Uncategorized | Tags: Adventure, Book, Fantasy, Lord of the Rings, Movie, Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut UP!!!!!, Star Wars, TacoMagic 24 CommentsTitle: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Author: Master Darth Warious – Lady of Chaos
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Lord of the Rings/Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Hot Mess
URL: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Critiqued by TacoMagic
*Taco, damp and covered in small smudges of plumber’s putty and gasket grease, grumps into the room, tosses a dirty wrench onto the Riffdesk 9000, and flops into his chair.*
Gonna be a shorter one today. I’m in the process of battling a toilet with a bad gasket and rusted-on tank bolts and I’m not sure who’s winning that fight.
*Taco inspects a damp, smudged hand*
Probably the toilet.
Last week we got to see a couple days in the life of Darth Wario. It was as uneventful as you would imagine only consisting of some Diet Sprite level of evil. We got to see a day spent on her shift at the library followed by a movie night and then a day spent being irritating and having a flashback. Oh, and then she died. Unfortunately it’s an inconsequential Auru-style death, so it’s disqualified from the Taco Challenge.
Also, on the “EXPLAIN YOURSELF!” front, we now have the revelation that Haldir showed up on Earth by walking out of the forest. As many fictional characters are known to do.
Anyway, let’s jump on in so I can get back to full-contact plumbing. Read the rest of this entry »
2601: CODE VEIN: The Queen’s Loyal King – Chapter One, Part Two
Posted: May 9, 2020 Filed under: Code Vein, CODE VEIN: The Queen's Loyal King, Uncategorized | Tags: Adventure, Romance, SC, Video Game 66 CommentsTitle: CODE VEIN: The Queen’s Loyal King
Author: Silver the snow wolf
Media: Video Game
Topic: Code Vein
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC and Revenant SC
*SC and Revenant SC wander into the riffing chamber; SC is hobbling along on crutches, and Revenant SC is trying not trying at all to avoid laughing*
Revenant SC: Say what you will about us Revenants, at least I don’t have to worry about breaking my leg. All I’d have to do is disperse myself, and oh, look! Leg’s all better!
Fuck you, it’s not broken, it was a dislocated kneecap that got put back in and now I just have to play gentle with it for six weeks.
Revenant SC: And yet they put you in a cast?
Knee immobilizer, thank you kindly. And I only have to wear it when my knee starts to hurt, otherwise I can take the thing off and put some weight on this leg for a little bit of time per day.
Revenant SC: So tell me again how you hurt yourself coming down from a stepladder?
You think I won’t kill you just because you’re a Revenant, but motherfucker, I know where the BOR parasite keeping you alive is.
*SC finally makes it to the computer, and with all the elegance of a dancer, he swings his bad leg up in the air, letting his foot rest on the desk, and flops mightily into the seat, his crutches clattering to the floor*
…Fuck. Could you pick those up for me?
Revenant SC: Sure thing, S-Cripple.
I will fucking end you.
Library of the Damned 
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