2578: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 32

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 32
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags*, and we’re back with the next chapter of The Shadow Warriors. Last time, Hush and the Legion of Dumb staged a hostile takeover of Wayne Enterprises to try to make an army of Bruticuses (Brutici?).

Also, Edgelord and an army of Sues and Stus tried to take over the Riffcave, but were subsequently stopped by Batman. This mostly happened because I got bored, but now that we’ve captured Edgelord, I can drag him in here as necessary to explain his stupidity.

*A quick reference on how big the Backlog of Doom was: This is the riff I was writing when I became a permanent riffer back in April of 2018. I put the asterisk here because this was the first post I converted from saying “guest host” to just “host.”

Anyway, let’s hit the chapterly news briefing before we go any further.

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

Chapter 32: Retribution: Part 1

Ooh, is this retribution of the right of the wronged because the right are wrong and wronged the right of the wrong, who are not justice of the right?

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2575: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 31, Part 2

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 31
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags and BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags…

BadJamags: … And I’m your usual guest host, the real BatJamags…

… And we’re back with the next section of The Shadow Warriors!

BadJamags: Last time, we watched a poorly-composed scene where the Legion of Dumb attacked Batman and proved completely inept, enabling Bats to get away and prepare his counterattack.

Also, Edgelord and all of our past Sues and Stus broke into the Riffcave and are holding the two of us hostage so that we don’t interfere with his plans. Edgelord ended up shooting Raya Sue and Smugularity, but Smugularity got better. Cerbersheep trampled Dr. Moneybags to death and Sueby Psychose was badly burned in a misguided attempt to add Cerbs to her Grimm menagerie.

Edgelord: I really should’ve just used my normal crew for this. They can at least pretend to be competent.

Smugularity: I’ll have you know that my Mandalorians are the most competent warriors in the galax-

Edgelord: Stop talking. You two, move on with the story.

But what about the chapterly news briefing?

Edgelord: Don’t push your luck.

BadJamags: Also, it’s not a new chapter. Sadness.

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2569: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 31, Part 1

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 31
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags and BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

BadJamags: … And I’m your usual host, the real BatJamags…

… And we’re back with the next section of The Shadow Warriors! We’ll check in with your chapterly news briefing right quick…

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

BadJamags: I don’t wanna do it.

Too bad. So, last time our intrepid heroes were confronted by some kind of Edgelord Legion of Doom.

BadJamags: They got their asses beat and we were told that Batman is dead. I didn’t buy that one the last eight or so times the mainstream comics have tried to tell us that in the past decade or two and I’m not falling for it here.

BadJamags: I mean, there was literally a minor event where every even tangentially Batman-related book released in a certain month declared “THIS ISSUE: BATMAN DIES!!!” on the cover. Some of the issues’ attempts (or lack thereof) to deliver on the promise were so half-assed it was hilarious. The Batgirl series (the good one, with Cassandra Cain) basically had the following conversation:

“So I totally killed Batman.”

“Then how’d you get beaten up?”

“Oh, I guess I didn’t kill Batman.”

BadJamags: … And in Birds of Prey, in the background of one panel you can see Batman fighting a bear for no reason in an unrelated issue and it’s never brought up again. I adore that series, but it sometimes gave no fucks whatsoever.

Are you done?

BadJamags: It’s certainly more interesting than the fic.

Touche. Anyway, the Dork Patrol was finally rescued from the Legion of Dumb by the timely intervention of *sigh* yet another edgelord (lowercase e – big E is for Edgelord Prime).

BadJamags: The reason a big E was used when he said “Edgelord Legion of Doom” was because they were almost certainly organized by none other than Jayden Warney himself for some sinister purpose. Explains how they know everybody’s Secret IDs (which, if I recall correctly, is not otherwise explained, so… yeah).

Right, let’s press on to the chapter.

Chapter 31: Big Changes

Like when you use a hundred-dollar bill to pay for a candy bar.

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2566: Legendary Dungeons, Futuristic Dragons – Chapter 15

Title: D&D Tag Along
Author: Tint
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter 15
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with the actual final installment of D&D Tag-Along. I hope. Unless this actually is as long as the first chapter (Spoiler: It’s actually one of the shorter chapters. The author was lying).

Last time, Hockey Stu turned out to not just be a demigod, but an ACTUAL FUCKING DEITY.

Kane: No, I believe that was Ehlonna and Nerull.

Wiseass. Anyway, Hockey Stu somehow got Nerull and Vecna to stop beating each other up and went to go fight the apparent main bad guy, who we don’t know anything about other than that he’s named Kas. Let’s get rolling.

D&D Tag Along

And in the end, that still hasn’t stopped not being not the title of the fic.

Kane: That was painful.

I did my best.

Chapter 15: Death, Betrayal, Lies, War, Arrogance

, and pie. There should be pie at the end. It’s the least you can do for your readers after making them sit through all of this.

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2561: Legendary Dungeons, Futuristic Dragons – Chapters 13 and 14

Title: D&D Tag Along
Author: Tint
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapters 13 and 14
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with what may be, with a little luck, the final installment of D&D Tag-Along.

Kane: Highly doubtful.

Hey, a guy can dream, right?

Kane: My dreams were being invaded by Elder Gods so I designed a ritual to stop myself from having them.

Last time, there was a big stupid fight where Gabriel died and Hockey Stu almost died. Then he had a pointless conversation with some goddess or other. Keep in mind that I just summarized two chapters of this thing in as many sentences.

D&D Tag Along

Hello, title of this fic. Haven’t seen you in… about four inches of screen space.

Chapter 13: Pure Neutral Alignment

Author, that’s True Neutral or just Neutral.

Kane: As I see it, the ethical axis ranges from sane to indecisive to mad, and the moral one from evil (with delusions of righteousness) to evil (but squeamish) to evil.

So that makes you Sane Evil and him Indecisive Evil-but-Squeamish?

Kane: Roughly.

I’m not sure how I feel about calling you sane, but the rest checks out.

A/N: Just a couple of quick little notes before I start. Inadvertently, I discovered a Yu-Gi-Oh card named Boneheimer. It’s a weak little sea horse thing, barely any attack or defense, no effect. Imagine my disappointment.

Kane: Rather appropriate, though I’m sorely disappointed that someone else was under the impression that “Boneheimer” would be an acceptable name for anything.

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2556: Legendary Dungeons, Futuristic Dragons – Chapters 11 and 12

Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. This is the culmination of Project: One Year Later, which you’ve probably never heard of if you’re not a Librarian. I am scheduling this on February nineteenth, 2019. That’s a full year in advance, kids. And I’m almost through the Backlog of Doom!

Title: D&D Tag Along
Author: Tint
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapters 11 and 12
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with yet another couple chapters of D&D Tag-Along, the fic which I bet has probably stopped being called that between chapters.

D&D Tag Along

Oh, nope! Looks like it didn’t! Funny how that happened.

Kane: Fascinating. Truly.

So, last time, Hockey Stu, Dragonshit, and Gabriel went into the future-present to save Stalky Sue from Bonehead McEvil. This went predictably poorly. First, Lord-King Baltimore devised a cunning plan to trap all of these assholes in the future, well away from his kingdom in both time and place. Second, they ran into some of the “punks” from the first chapter and dispatched them with minimal effort. This led them to meet up with Hockey Stu’s D&D group, including some big guy, Ashley the Female Wisecracker™, and then that one other dude. They revealed that Hockey Stu’s parents who never appeared and haven’t been named are dead, which was probably supposed to have some kind of emotional impact. They, being under Bonehead McEvil’s control, led Hockey Stu into his fourth incredibly obvious trap because Hockey Stu is stupider than GoodJamags. Then, rather than JUST KILLING HIM, Bonehead McEvil decided to (for no reason whatsoever) make Hockey Stu fight a duel against some random three-eyed lady, who’s a werewolf now. We left off as the battle was about to begin.

Chapter 11: Battles in the Streets

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2552: Legendary Dungeons, Futuristic Dragons – Chapters 9 and 10

Title: D&D Tag Along
Author: Tint
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapters 9 and 10
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another thrilling chapter or two of D&D Tag-Along, the fic where the future-present is about to get bone(heimer’)d.

Kane: That was atrocious.

Don’t blame me, blame the author for coming up with the name.

Last time, a series of incompetent and disjointed plans enabled Hockey Stu and Stalky Sue to bumble into *snerk* Boneheimer’s evil fortress, where they walked into yet another obvious trap and managed to avoid getting brutally slaughtered by our stupidly-named villain. When our oddly long-tentacled foe took Stalky Sue hostage, Hockey Stu sold out his entire time period in exchange for her life, because the power of Bone(heime)rs is stronger. Normally, this would be a brilliant move, since there’s no way Bonehead McEvil’s pathetic little mutant army could survive thirty seconds against a modern military force. However, the characters all seem to think that Bonehead McEvil might actually conquer the future, which instead makes it a dick move on Hockey Stu’s part. We then find out that for some reason, only people from Hockey Stu’s time period and eeeeeeeevil creatures can actually pass through the portal, so Hockey Stu is forced to pursue Bonehead McEvil alone. This has the unintended but amusing consequence of implying that Hockey Stu and Stalky Sue are evil creatures, which, being a Stu and a Sue, respectively, they are.

Kane: Enough. If we must continue, let us do so.

D&D Tag Along

And take a look at the title of the fic again! That sure is the title of the fic, and definitely hasn’t ceased to be so since the last chapter.

Chapter 9: Hidden Friends

This shit is exactly why I hate playing hide-and-seek.

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