2340: The Purple Queen – Chapter 9

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by BatJamags

Happy Birthday!

Uwaah count: 12
A Sentence Fragment count: 15

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another thrilling (for certain definition of “thrilling” (that definition being “not anything even remotely close to approaching being thrilling in the slightest”)) chapter of The Red Queen!

In the last chapter, Sueby Rose, Sue Grimm, the Cheshire Dog, Tweedle Dick, and Tweedle Dumbass encountered a village of cute orphans, violently defended them from a small army of clones of that generic rapist-bandit-asshole from earlier in the fic and then rolled on out like some edgy, half-assed knockoff of the Man with No Name.

Sueby’s a lot of things, but Clint Eastwood she ain’t. Not that I wouldn’t read the fuck out of such a crossover. Assuming it were Ruby and not Sueby.

“I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did she fire six shots, or only five?’ Well, being that this is a giant armor-piercing sniper rifle that’s also a scythe and carries a lot more than six shots, that really doesn’t matter in the slightest. I’m gonna level with you: You’re not lucky, punk.”

It was an early morning in Beacon, and as always the campus was bustling with activity.

*Snerk* Have you seen early morning on any higher education institution’s campus? What little activity there is is less bustling and more shambling.

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2339: A Library of the Dammed Original Story – Chapter 1, Part 4

Title: A Library of the Dammed Original Story
Author: My Cousin, Carol.
Media: Web Original
Topic: This very website.
Genre: N/A
URL: N/A
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Biskit

Hello folks, it’s Crazy Minh, back with the fourth and final part of my cousin’s Library of the Damned fanfic. As of the present moment, this is the only chapter I have from my cousin, and she’s yet to get back to be on when she’ll finish the final chapter. I’m back aboard the Bongo, having escaped that weird-ass recreation room (weird ass-recreation room?). So, without further ado…

Biskit: What did I miss?

CZM: Biskit! You’re back from that away mission!

*silence*

CZM:…it was a away mission…right? I mean…I mean, it’s not like you just went on holiday without me? Is it? …Biskit?

Biskit: I ~did~ say ‘Can I go on a Vacation Please?’. You said yes. So I went.

CZM: But you didn’t! You said ‘Can I go to Vaecationplies?’. I assumed that was a planet, so I said yes….oh. Right. Must have been the beeping. From the ambient bridge noise.

Biskit: …You are a dumb shit. Of the highest kind.

CZM: Thank you. Now, moving on. I assume you’ve at least read the brief of what we’re doing?

Biskit: Yes. Last time, Herr got brainwashed, the library was still getting invaded by Xenoponies, and Lyle went into enemy territory. Now, the continuation:

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2334: The Purple Queen – Chapter 8

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by BatJamags

I AM DEATH!

Uwaah count: 12
A Sentence Fragment count: 15

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Red Queen, the fic that definitely didn’t stop having pretentious and irrelevant Alice in Wonderland references between chapters six and seven.

Last time some bullshit happened, but it was All Just a Dream™, so none of it mattered.

“Dinah, heel!” Immediately the huge Beowolf ceased it’s assault, not killing it’s would-be victim. Instead, the Beowolf came to sit at the foot of it’s master, whom those present could only describe as a young girl, clad in pitch black and crimson red, looking for all purposes like the Grim Reaper.

Mr Death

The Grim Reaper.

Ruby Original Edition

Ruby Rose: Original Flavor.

Ruby Edgy Edition

Ruby Rose: Edgy Leather Edition, or at least the closest thing I care to dig up.

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2329: The Purple Queen: Chapter 7

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 7
Critiqued by BatJamags

They’re here!

Uwaah count: 11

A Sentence Fragment count: 15

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Red Queen, the fic with the pretentious and irrelevant Alice in Wonderland references.

Last time, stupid things happened. Contain your shock.

*Foreword*

*Headdesk*

Author, I don’t think you understand what a foreword is.

Been a while since I’ve done a foreword in any of my projects, huh?

You didn’t do one here. A foreword goes at the beginning of the story, not the beginning of a chapter.

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2324: The Purple Queen – Chapter 6

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by BatJamags

Everything Wrong With this Fanfic

Uwaah count: 11
A Sentence Fragment count: 9

Hello once again, patrons, and Happy Cinco de Mayo! Yesterday was Star Wars Day, and two days from now is my birthday, so I expect virtual cake. Speaking of me (and I do love to speak of me), I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Red Queen, home of Sueby Rose and Weissome McSchneevil!

Last time, Yang was angry about stuff and tried to kill somebody who was badmouthing Ruby for no reason, Sueby got new pets, and McSchneevil narrated to herself about her own evilness.

Onward!

It was a quiet day at Beacon, as usual Classes had already been let go,

Man, those classes have really let themselves go. They should probably cut back on the junk food.

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2323: Love and War – Chapter 1

Title: “Love and War”
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video games
Fandom: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11557768/
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Hello again! It’s me, eatpraylove, back with another fic to mock for your amusement! What happened to Three Generations, you ask? Well, the author had an attack of sanity at some point in the last two years and took it down.

Today we’re covering a Pokémon AU I’ve seen under a few different names but still with the same premise: Dawn, cast here as “Princess of Sinnoh,” is supposed to be with Paul, cast here as a prince for some reason, but after she almost dies she GTFO’s with Ash. (Smart woman.) For those of you unfamiliar with the Diamond and Pearl arcs of the anime, here’s who we’re talking about.

Dawn.jpg

Welcome to the Library, Dawn!

lo-res Paul (1)

And you too, Paul.

I suppose it’s been long enough that I don’t have to drop a spoiler warning for Diamond, Pearl, Platinum, or the anime arcs they’re based on. Ready your favorite Pokémon and let’s get started.

*sits in comfy riffing chair*

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2318: The Purple Queen – Chapter 5

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by BatJamags

Niagara Falls!

Uwaah count: 10
A Sentence Fragment count: 6

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Red Queen, the fic which has now properly devolved into an edgy, swirling pool of angst and trajedy.

Last time, Yang and Ozpin began to realize that the Dumbass Conspirators were kind of dumbasses about their conspiracy. Ruby killed some generically creepy dude who showed up in her neck of the woods, and was simultaneously Batman and Naked Buff Santa. It’s a long story. Pyrrha did some mustache twirling and the author narration insisted she was SO TOTALLY JEALOUS OF RUBY because RUBYXJAUNE OTP!

*Another volley of cannonballs bursts through the walls of the Riffcave*

Yeah, I’m still working on sinking that. And by “I,” I mean GoodJamags.

The days had been blending together for the past couple of weeks. For Yang, time became irrelevant the moment they brought back the news that she would never again set eyes on her precious little sister again.

*Alarms blare*

Smooth, author. Now, let’s see if the DRD can make it past that ferocious naval batt-

*Headshotted in the head*

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