Lyle: Here is Chapter Three of the riff that launched a thousand snarkers.
Addendum: This chapter contains references to rape. If you are sensitive to such things, please by-pass this entry. Nothing is explicit, but our goal is to snark, not traumatize.
Title: Forbiden Fruit: the tempation of Edward Cullen
URL: Forbidden Fruit
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Chapter 3 – uncle larry
Chapter 3 begins with a short Author’s Note, as most of the chapters do, mentioning reviews the author has received. (I’ve read through the reviews, they are a mix of genuine criticism, laughing mockery, and “Is this crap for real?”) She calls one of her reviewers dumb because “of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz!” even though the story makes no mention of her getting dressed or doing anything between the time she leaves Ewdard whining on the floor and the moment she walks into class.
On to the Chapter!
Title: Flight 815
Genre: Adventure/Romance is the listing
URL: Flight 815: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Indy
So we once again join our Mary Sue, Dawn. If you will remember, she has just taken 4 sleeping pills. Then she drank an unknown amount of tequila (mmm tequila). And if that were not enough to knock her out cold, she actually takes a blow to the head and is knocked out.
In chapter 2, Dawn awakens to Shannon’s screaming and what I can only imagine is the most mind-numbing headache known to man. She must have had a ton of tequila because she thinks she is having a hangover. At this point, I’m thinking that the Lost passengers really did die and the island is some sort of hell. I’m no doctor, but all the pills and drinking and head injury would probably have killed her. Maybe she’s the Rasputin of this story, or maybe she’s just a Mary Sue.
Title: ITS MY LIFE!
Media: Video game
Genre: Listed as Adventure/Drama…
URL: IT’S MY LIFE! : Chapter Three
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Welcome back, fellow visitors to the dank and ominously dripping basement of literature!
Those who bothered to read the last installment of the Portal fanfic, ITS MY LIFE! will remember the “gripping” cliffhanger ending. For those who don’t want to fiddle around with all that tedious reading business, here’s the condensed version; our heroine Marissa is on the airless surface of the moon, fighting a false Chell (who is really an android version of Glados, the sentient computer system who sent her to the Moon in the first place) for the shattered (yet still fully-functioning) remains of Wheetly (Marissa’s robot-ball baby-daddy) while an asteroid heads straight for them. I’m hoping the asteroid turns them into a fine incandescent mist, but with fourteen chapters to go after this one, it doesn’t look likely.
Title: winnie da pooh and da mysrtry
Topic: Winnie the Pooh
Genre: Adventure/Mystery… somehow…
URL: winnie da pooh and da mysrtry
Critiqued by The Psychic Librarian
Have you ever asked yourself that immortal question posed by George W. Bush: ”Is our children learning?” This fan fic answers this question. The author sets up the story very quickly, forgoing the description characteristic in other fine works of literature such as those by Thomas Hardy and E.M. Forster. This grabs the reader’s attention immediately. Unfortunately it’s more because it’s like watching a train wreck that catches on fire and then gets pissed on by Godzilla.
Title: Blood of Ancients
Media: Video game
Topic: Final Fantasy 7
Genre: It has no listed genre
URL: Blood of Ancients: Chapter One, Part Three
Critiqued by TacoMagic
Library of the Damned: Blood of Ancients Chapter 1 Part 3
Last time on Blood of Ancients, our “heros” had just padded out a lot of the first chapter with some aerial stupidity that culminated in crashing into the ocean and nearly sinking to the bottom. Luckily flying physics in the Final Fantasy world are highly suspect, so they were able to extract themselves and complete their journey to Junon. Cid and Shera read a soul crushing letter from Falcon, and decide to follow him to Junon, since they have nothing better to do… like run a space program. Meanwhile our little Falcon (please see the movie The Sword and the Dragon to understand that reference; MST3K tackles that one in Season 6) announces that most likely there are people in Junon who would wish to see his smuggling service put to an end, so he uses fake codes to request a landing. He also uses the actual name of his plane, which isn’t going to send up any red flags at all.