Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Topic: Harry Potter
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by The Librarian formerly known as Satan’s Teacup
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the next chapter of what will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride into Crazy Town. The first chapter’s ‘narration’ portion was largely an unmarked Author’s Note from dear ol’ JK for the most part, so here’s hoping there is some actual fic somewhere in this fic.
Harry and Hermione confront their problems…
Presumably these problems center completely on how they aren’t allowed to have sex with each other because the whole convoluted “cousins via godparent” thing caused by Harry’s godfather being the brother of Hermione’s father instead of them legitimately being related because their mothers were sisters.
Happy Friday the Thirteenth, dear Patrons, and welcome to a brand new fic! I had sort of planned to start working on a long-ish Skyrim wankfic, but then changed my mind since I would have to cut it off for our annual Spooktober. You will sadly have to wait to read about the conflict between the Fempire and those rebellious Stormclits. Today’s fic is still a work in progress, as I’m writing this a fresh chapter has just been posted a few hours ago, so it is bound to get longer but I don’t mind breaking it up. Now, I don’t normally work of fics that are in-progress just by personal preference, but this one is just a very wibbly-wobbly ball of wack-assery that is practically the embodiment of an onion of failure.
Let’s take a look at the summary; which, for once, is not what drew me to the fic but still waves many red flags.
This is the truth about the first draft I’ve written about the characters of my Harry Potter stories and I would’ve preferred to publish every first draft instead of what is currently on the market so I will rewrite and refine the first drafts, to have the real genetics and the magical laws involved like how I prefer my stories to be realistic than fantasy.
First off – that is all one sentence. Yikes. Secondly, this is a series with physics-breaking magic happening on the regs yet the ‘real’ author of the series claims to prefer realism over fantasy.
And I seriously doubt any halfway decent author would ever claim that they wanted to publish their first drafts. First drafts are frickin’ nightmares. I also find it funny that the author claims to want to publish the first drafts, but in the same sentence says that they are going to “rewrite and refine” those first drafts – a process normally referred to as ‘editing’ which would make them no longer first drafts.
As you might be able to tell, the author claims repeatedly, both in the fic and in their bio, that they are the real JK Rowling. They will not shut up about how they are, for real and for true, the legitimate person known as JK Rowling. In fact, there are only two fics in their profile, this one and what is essentially a long Author’s Note claiming that they are the real JK Rowling among other rambling nonsense including the “fact” that there are special American police departments (and British Bobby departments) specifically set up to track down fanfic authors’ names and addresses so that the owners of the intellectual properties can send them cease and desist letters for not adhering to the canon pairings. Because that’s definitely something Generic Police Dept officers spend their time doing.
On to the fic! Which starts off with an Author’s Note.
AN: This is the real Joanne Kathleen Rowling, or known as J.K. Rowling, and yes I am the real deal and all.
Welp, I’m finally convinced. It’s not like total dumbasses can’t go around on completely anonymous sites like ff.net and claim to be whomever they want. I couldn’t, I don’t know, just change my username to Satan’s Teacup without the Internet Police checking to make sure I was, in fact, crockery owned by the devil.
Hello, and welcome back to “FNG,” by Richie23! I’m your host, SC, joined by myself, and there was really no good reason that it took me this damn long to update the riff. In fact, I procrastinated so hard on this that I’ve completely forgotten where we ended off last time.
Operative SC: Something about an airport?
I’ll probably look at the previous posts later and feel dumb for forgetting, but for right now, I’m just gonna assume it’s not important and forge ahead.
Operative SC: The SC Method: “Uh, shit, well, let’s just go with it and hope for the best.”
Works like a charm.
Operative SC: Except when it doesn’t.
Which is frequently.
Hello, and welcome back to “FNG,’ by Richie23! I’m your host, SC, joined by myself, and last time, one or more bitches were flipped in the comments regarding some painfully bad suggestions from the fic’s reviews for how to improve an already terrible gun design. Meanwhile, in the fic, a squad of Rainbow operators sat around holding their dicks at an airport while Robert(s) got held up by English customs.
Yeah, not a whole lot happened last time, admittedly.
Operative SC: Thankfully, the writing in this is so bad that we somehow failed to notice that it was all padding.
Maybe you did, I knew it immediately. That whole part of the chapter was just dudes sitting around in an airport, how could it have been anything else?
Operative SC: I was kind of hoping that Richie would just have some random terrorist attack occur at the airport, because I saw “squad of operators” and “airport” and immediately began thinking of the No Russian mission in Modern Warfare 2. That would’ve been some action, at least.
And you thought a team of Thermite, Twitch, Glaz and Thatcher would be the guys to handle it?
Operative SC: I mean, I’d have to rig up some high-tension bullshit to get it to work, but there’s at least one scenario in my mind where they’re the perfect team for the job.
Hello, and welcome back to “FNG,” by Richie23! I’m your host, SC, joined by myself, and last time, we bounced back and forth between Thatcher and Thermite chatting about how
complete ass-backwards bullshit cool and awesome their new recruits sounded on paper, watching Jon and Citrus continue hating each other on a plane ride, and watching Six give Thatcher and Thermite a critical mission objective to lead a fireteam to Heathrow and secure the dipshits as they disembark their plane.
made a bunch of half-assed excuses completely justified why it took me so long to complete one chapter of this riff, whilst simultaneously giving Chosen Undead SC perpetual nightmares.
Operative SC: Now he’s clinging to the chandelier, chucking Soul Arrows at anybody who tries to get him to come down.
Frankly, I’m amazed he found a chandelier strong enough to hold his weight. Guy’s in, like, sixty pounds of armor.
Title: The texas chainsaw massacre: once again; The Real Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween: Death Comes Calling; Fiery Passion; New masked killer; Murder from Scream
Author: doctorwhofan123456789; G.I. Joe Adventure Team; KLeslie; bloodyrose2014; Droids Boys; MeLoNa05
Topic: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Scream; Scream
Genre: Horror / Drama; Crime / Horror; Horror / Romance; Romance / Horror; Horror / Drama; Horror / Poetry
URL: The texas chainsaw massacre: once again; The Real Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween: Death Comes Calling; Fiery Passion; New masked killer; Murder from Scream
Critiqued by BatJamags (and Spider-Man)
A little game for the reader: By the end of the riff, guess which YouTube channel I’ve been watching a lot of recently.
Also, when I say “marathon,” I mean it. This is long, but I was having way too much fun to cut it down. Just thought I’d let you know ahead of time. Seriously, though, it’s about three times as long as my normal riffs.
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back.
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to Man. It is a dimension as vast as the author’s note to My Inner Life, and as timesquiggly as My Immortal. It is the middle ground between light and Edgelord, between thermal radiation and BLUE; and it lies between the pit of a riffer’s fears and the summit of his anger. This is the dimension of bad horror oneshots. It is an area which we call… the Badfic Zone.
Respectfully submitted for your derision: A cavalcade of spooky, scary, and quite possibly skeletal oneshots from a wide selection of horror films!
Hello, and welcome back to “FNG,” by Richie23! I’m your host, SC, joined by myself, and last time, our two idiots got recruited into Rainbow and met each other in person, and for some reason, they really didn’t like each other. Also, Rainbow got a look at their files, and for reasons beyond my comprehension, the response was not, “oh fucking great, we picked up a pair of jackasses.”
Also, this riff took longer to write up because I was busy slaying vampires, and prior to that, got yoinked into Sakai’s damn Creepypasta riff against my will.
*Various pained-sounding spoopy noises*
You know, pasta authors, it really says something when I can kick the crap out of your monsters.