1770: Popo, Star Spawn of Cthulhu- Chapter 1

Title: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu
Author: William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Media: Books
Topic: H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
Genre: Horror/Supernatural
URL:  Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome to my first riff as an official member of the Library of the Damned!

Good for… you, I guess. But if this doesn’t mean you’re finally going to write my cameo into Y’ha-nth’lei Minute like you promised, I really can’t be bothered to give a flying glub.”

You know, there are other characters in the UNITYverse aside from yourself…

Pffffff.”

Well, a few days ago I confirmed that there is indeed a ‘Cthulhu Mythos’ section to fanfiction.net, and it’s… well, really about what you’d expect. The status of H.P. Lovecraft’s mythos as one of the earliest formal ‘shared’ canons that any writer could contribute to, coupled with a writing style that was… well, both very distinctive and kind of formulaic has guaranteed the existence of droves of solidly OK superficial imitators.

And then there’s this story, by William Ung… *squints at username and tries to find the vowels* umm… William. I give you “Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu”.

Hmm.

Actually, that makes a fair amount of sense.

Wrong Popo, buddy.”

Oh.

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1611: Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears

Title: Metal Gear Solid: Fight of Metal Gears
Author: squirrelking
Media: Video Game
Topic: Metal Gear
Genre: Adventure/Suspense
URL: One shot
Critiqued by Delta XIII

Generic salutations, fellow Librarians! My name is Delta XIII.

This riff is somewhat different in nature than others on this site. Namely, it is written in the style of Cinema Sins. This is because quite some time ago, I realized that we use a lot of counter-based gags here at the Library. So, an idea came to me: “What if there was a riff that was nothing but counter gags?”

The idea remained in the back of my head for a while, but it was only recently that I could make it a reality.

“But Delta! What are you going to be riffing?”

That’s a very good question, hypothetical voice who clearly didn’t read the title of the riff or the critiquing fields above!

We’re going to be looking at a fic based on the Metal Gear series!

Metal Gear is a series of stealth games from the… unique mind of Hideo Kojima. The story (such as it is) revolves around the titular Metal Gears, bipedal tanks designed to launch nuclear missiles from any terrain. To counter these behemoths, the US government sends in specially trained stealth operatives with a bare minimum of equipment (usually just some form of radar, a couple of rations, a cigar or pack of cigarettes that they manage to smuggle in, and maybe a single pistol), with anything else procured on-site.

I’d explain the plot further, but not even an SC-Style Infodump would be able to cover that clusterfuck, so let’s move on.

“It sounds like a great premise! How could someone screw that up?”

You’re quite the optimist, hypothetical voice! To answer your question, today’s “story” was written by none other than the infamous squirrelking.

Yep, we’re going there.

Without further ado, please enjoy. Read the rest of this entry »


1311: DragonballZ: Bardock, The Lone Survivor FINISHED – Chapter One

Title: DragonballZ: Bardock, The Lone Survivor FINISHED
Author: trunks1138
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Dragon Ball Z
Genre:  Adventure/Suspense
URL:  Chapter One
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

[Kitty enters the Snark Booth and sits down, cradling a cup of hot tea between her hands and wrapped in a warm, fluffy blanket. She sniffles periodically, but otherwise seems much healthier than she did during her last riff.]

Kitty: Hello, everyone! I know I keep threatening to force all of you to sit through my riff of… That-Which-We-Must-Not-Name… but I wanted to do a goofy fic first, or else risk turning into the Gloomriffer for all of eternity. While that does sound like a sweet riffer title (and I call dibs on said title if it hasn’t already been taken,) even I occasionally enjoy a crackier idiotfic now and then.

I don’t have any co-riffers along with me today because frankly five of my OCs laughed at me when I asked, two (potentially three) are in reserve for That-Which-Causes-Small-Children-To-Weep, and the rest of my named OCs are either in the wrong fandom or don’t even know what the hell riffing is.

(As an added note, I tallied all of the named OCs in my original canon alone and they total around eighty. I honestly did not expect the number to hit forty.)

Today’s fic is a Dragon Ball Z fic – which appears to be in short supply around here, which in turn means there’s fool’s gold laying about in bundles waiting to be scooped up – about one of my favorite DBZ characters, Bardock.

This is normally the part where I summarize the Dragon Ball meta-series (created by Akira Toriyama, and of which DBZ is the second part,) but since I have absolutely no idea where to start, Im’ma let Wikipedia help me out here:

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1245: Laughter – Chapters One and Two

Title: Laughter
Author: TheNooby
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre:  Family / Suspense
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by squarecircles

TRIGGER WARNING:  This fic contains instances of abuse and mutilation, both child and spousal.  Please skip today if you are sensitive to these things.  Thank you.

Hello dear readers of the library! My name is squarecircles, and today I’ll be your guest snarker. I’m relatively new to the fanfiction scene, but I’ve been reading it for years. Mostly, I would just read Pokemon fics, but rarely there are others that catch my eye (the library’s own Erttheking, and Herr Wozzek being two such writers). However, seeing as I read primarily Pokemon fics, I’m very aware of how bad some of them can be. What I’ve found for you today is easily one of the more fucked up fics I’ve ever come across. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

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1115: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka – One Shot

Title: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka
Author:  Ron The Fan
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Resident Evil / Star Wars
Genre: Suspense / Sci-Fi
URL: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

So this week we have a… I don’t even know what to call this. I can’t even call it a fic because of how absolutely, incomprehensibly awful it is.  I mean there just isn’t anything good you can say about it.  Well, I suppose the author’s spelling isn’t terrible, so maybe one thing you can say that’s kinda good.

“That sounds great. Why do you hate me again?”

Reasons. This little fic is the obvious result of watching too much of Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior mixed with an overwhelming fanboy crush on the Resident Evil series and the need to show that it’s way better than other canons. Those of you following along with Ert’s riff on The Final Hour will probably find this to be rather familiar. From the title you can probably guess the premise: A comparison between Rebecca Chambers and Ahsoka Tano. I’ll turn it over to Swenia for a quick combat analysis.

“Let’s take an objective look at these combatants. Rebecca’s only big appearance in the RE series is of her outing as a rookie agent on her first mission. Her abilities include combat training specializing in urban settings, and the use of short blades and firearms. In contrast Ahsoka has a childhood of study to become a Jedi and actual battle experience form the Clone Wars ranging from duels against dark Jedi, many of which she actually lost, and leading troops into combat. Now, Ahsoka’s only a Jedi Apprentice, but it takes 10+ years of constant training and mental discipline to get to that point. Ahsoka’s abilities include combat training utilizing a blade of pure plasma and training in utilizing the Force. If this is a straight head-on fight like those in the Death Battle series, the battle would be a pretty hefty landslide for Ahsoka. Her force abilities will let her shape and control the battlefield, and the lightsaber renders Rebecca’s ranged weapons ineffective as well as having enough reach to prevent the use of a knife. Unless Rebeca could utilize the element of surprise, which is unlikely in a head-to-head battle, there is very little chance of her emerging with a victory.”

Looking ahead, it appears this might be more of a contest on who can kill the most targets.  Or at least that appears to be part of the consideration.

“That becomes a bit of a closer battle depending on whether the targets are hardened and also depends heavily on the shape of the battlefield. In a flat open plain, against hardened targets I’d put my money on Ahsoka. The only thing Rebecca can bring to the table against hardened targets is a rocket launcher, and the fire rate would severely limit her ability to take them out quickly. She might be able to utilize an assault rifle with armor-piercing rounds, but if the targets are hard enough, she’d need to concentrate fire on one target before moving on, greatly slowing her ability to dispatch targets. Meanwhile, Ahsoka has a lightsaber which can deal with hardened targets relatively quickly unless the targets are specifically designed to counter a lightsaber. Now, that same field full of soft targets would have to go to Rebeca. Her utilization of rapid-fire ranged weapons will out-do whatever Ahsoka will be able to manage with her melee weapon. However, if we change the battlefield to something with more cover, let’s say a rocky mountain-side, the odds swing back to Ahsoka. Her ability to control the battlefield with the Force, namely by throwing large chunks of it at clusters of opponents hiding behind cover, would prove far more effective than simply having the range of firearms.”

So, there you have it, the only situation that really works in favor of Rebecca is if the battle is in a flat, open plain without anything big to hurl. Since the author’s profile pretty well indicates he has a huge fan-boner for the Resident Evil series, who wants to place bets on this being an unbiased analysis? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

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945: Dragon Ball E! – Chapter One

Title: Dragon Ball E!
Author: firelifeblizzard
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Dragonball Z
Genre: Adventure & Suspense
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

Hello, everybody! Since our very dear friend Writer of Eryn Lasgalen hasn’t yet posted the fourteenth and supposedly final chapter of To Love Another Soul, I’ve decided to look for another long-ish fic to start riffing while we wait.

Plus, I need something to do once TLAS does finally end.

Fortunately, I stumbled across a treasure trove of terrible Dragonball Z fanfictions by ficcer firelifeblizzard, who just happens to have in his portfolio a DBZ fic by the same name as the one I was trying to find (Dragonball E by Trajku, which was MSTed by my favorite DBZ author of all time, Dragoness Eclectic.)

For those who are not aware, Akira Toriyama’s Dragon Ball metaseries follows the adventures of Son Goku, a curious and very… world-unwise boy with a bad case of bedhead, a monkey’s tail, and a penchant for whomping everybody in sight who attempts to battle him or threaten the safety of the Earth or any innocent lives. It’s later revealed that Goku is a Saiyan, a shapeshifting alien from a mostly-extinct race of space pirates. Shenanigans ensue, and every now and again these things called dragon balls are gathered up so that wishes can be granted by the magical dragon genie that they summon. The fair majority of these wishes are spent bringing dead people back to life.

More comprehensive information on the series, episodes, and characters can be found at the official site.

In order to get ourselves nice and acquainted-like with Evan’s… work… let’s take a dip into his version of Dragonball E—or, as he calls it, Dragon Ball E!

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890: Quarter Quell Sequels – The End, Chapters 2, 3, 4, and 5

Title: Quarter Quell
Author: L.Q. Brooks
Media:  Books/Movies
Topic: Ice Age/Hunger Games/Underland Chronicles/Michael Vey/Percy Jackson and the Olympians/The Hobbit/???/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Family/Suspense
URL: The End: Chapter 2
URL: The End: Chapter 3
URL: The End: Chapter 4
URL: The End: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to this series.

*flops down on the couch*

Four chapters. Four chapters in one fucking installments. This is gonna be one hell of a doozy.

But fuck it, I can’t deal with this shitty story anymore. By now, I just want out. So if the story won’t let me out, I’m going to just bull rush through the end of it.

*claps hands together*

So let’s not waste any time, shall we? Let’s finish this sucker off!

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