[Kitty enters the Snark Booth and sits down, cradling a cup of hot tea between her hands and wrapped in a warm, fluffy blanket. She sniffles periodically, but otherwise seems much healthier than she did during her last riff.]
Kitty: Hello, everyone! I know I keep threatening to force all of you to sit through my riff of… That-Which-We-Must-Not-Name… but I wanted to do a goofy fic first, or else risk turning into the Gloomriffer for all of eternity. While that does sound like a sweet riffer title (and I call dibs on said title if it hasn’t already been taken,) even I occasionally enjoy a crackier idiotfic now and then.
I don’t have any co-riffers along with me today because frankly five of my OCs laughed at me when I asked, two (potentially three) are in reserve for That-Which-Causes-Small-Children-To-Weep, and the rest of my named OCs are either in the wrong fandom or don’t even know what the hell riffing is.
(As an added note, I tallied all of the named OCs in my original canon alone and they total around eighty. I honestly did not expect the number to hit forty.)
Today’s fic is a Dragon Ball Z fic – which appears to be in short supply around here, which in turn means there’s fool’s gold laying about in bundles waiting to be scooped up – about one of my favorite DBZ characters, Bardock.
This is normally the part where I summarize the Dragon Ball meta-series (created by Akira Toriyama, and of which DBZ is the second part,) but since I have absolutely no idea where to start, Im’ma let Wikipedia help me out here:
TRIGGER WARNING: This fic contains instances of abuse and mutilation, both child and spousal. Please skip today if you are sensitive to these things. Thank you.
Hello dear readers of the library! My name is squarecircles, and today I’ll be your guest snarker. I’m relatively new to the fanfiction scene, but I’ve been reading it for years. Mostly, I would just read Pokemon fics, but rarely there are others that catch my eye (the library’s own Erttheking, and Herr Wozzek being two such writers). However, seeing as I read primarily Pokemon fics, I’m very aware of how bad some of them can be. What I’ve found for you today is easily one of the more fucked up fics I’ve ever come across. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
Title: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka
Author: Ron The Fan
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Resident Evil / Star Wars
Genre: Suspense / Sci-Fi
URL: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
So this week we have a… I don’t even know what to call this. I can’t even call it a fic because of how absolutely, incomprehensibly awful it is. I mean there just isn’t anything good you can say about it. Well, I suppose the author’s spelling isn’t terrible, so maybe one thing you can say that’s kinda good.
“That sounds great. Why do you hate me again?”
Reasons. This little fic is the obvious result of watching too much of Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior mixed with an overwhelming fanboy crush on the Resident Evil series and the need to show that it’s way better than other canons. Those of you following along with Ert’s riff on The Final Hour will probably find this to be rather familiar. From the title you can probably guess the premise: A comparison between Rebecca Chambers and Ahsoka Tano. I’ll turn it over to Swenia for a quick combat analysis.
“Let’s take an objective look at these combatants. Rebecca’s only big appearance in the RE series is of her outing as a rookie agent on her first mission. Her abilities include combat training specializing in urban settings, and the use of short blades and firearms. In contrast Ahsoka has a childhood of study to become a Jedi and actual battle experience form the Clone Wars ranging from duels against dark Jedi, many of which she actually lost, and leading troops into combat. Now, Ahsoka’s only a Jedi Apprentice, but it takes 10+ years of constant training and mental discipline to get to that point. Ahsoka’s abilities include combat training utilizing a blade of pure plasma and training in utilizing the Force. If this is a straight head-on fight like those in the Death Battle series, the battle would be a pretty hefty landslide for Ahsoka. Her force abilities will let her shape and control the battlefield, and the lightsaber renders Rebecca’s ranged weapons ineffective as well as having enough reach to prevent the use of a knife. Unless Rebeca could utilize the element of surprise, which is unlikely in a head-to-head battle, there is very little chance of her emerging with a victory.”
Looking ahead, it appears this might be more of a contest on who can kill the most targets. Or at least that appears to be part of the consideration.
“That becomes a bit of a closer battle depending on whether the targets are hardened and also depends heavily on the shape of the battlefield. In a flat open plain, against hardened targets I’d put my money on Ahsoka. The only thing Rebecca can bring to the table against hardened targets is a rocket launcher, and the fire rate would severely limit her ability to take them out quickly. She might be able to utilize an assault rifle with armor-piercing rounds, but if the targets are hard enough, she’d need to concentrate fire on one target before moving on, greatly slowing her ability to dispatch targets. Meanwhile, Ahsoka has a lightsaber which can deal with hardened targets relatively quickly unless the targets are specifically designed to counter a lightsaber. Now, that same field full of soft targets would have to go to Rebeca. Her utilization of rapid-fire ranged weapons will out-do whatever Ahsoka will be able to manage with her melee weapon. However, if we change the battlefield to something with more cover, let’s say a rocky mountain-side, the odds swing back to Ahsoka. Her ability to control the battlefield with the Force, namely by throwing large chunks of it at clusters of opponents hiding behind cover, would prove far more effective than simply having the range of firearms.”
So, there you have it, the only situation that really works in favor of Rebecca is if the battle is in a flat, open plain without anything big to hurl. Since the author’s profile pretty well indicates he has a huge fan-boner for the Resident Evil series, who wants to place bets on this being an unbiased analysis? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Hello, everybody! Since our very dear friend Writer of Eryn Lasgalen hasn’t yet posted the fourteenth and supposedly final chapter of To Love Another Soul, I’ve decided to look for another long-ish fic to start riffing while we wait.
Plus, I need something to do once TLAS does finally end.
Fortunately, I stumbled across a treasure trove of terrible Dragonball Z fanfictions by ficcer firelifeblizzard, who just happens to have in his portfolio a DBZ fic by the same name as the one I was trying to find (Dragonball E by Trajku, which was MSTed by my favorite DBZ author of all time, Dragoness Eclectic.)
For those who are not aware, Akira Toriyama’s Dragon Ball metaseries follows the adventures of Son Goku, a curious and very… world-unwise boy with a bad case of bedhead, a monkey’s tail, and a penchant for whomping everybody in sight who attempts to battle him or threaten the safety of the Earth or any innocent lives. It’s later revealed that Goku is a Saiyan, a shapeshifting alien from a mostly-extinct race of space pirates. Shenanigans ensue, and every now and again these things called dragon balls are gathered up so that wishes can be granted by the magical dragon genie that they summon. The fair majority of these wishes are spent bringing dead people back to life.
More comprehensive information on the series, episodes, and characters can be found at the official site.
In order to get ourselves nice and acquainted-like with Evan’s… work… let’s take a dip into his version of Dragonball E—or, as he calls it, Dragon Ball E!