Title: Love & Bullets
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)
WARNING: Chapter contains references to domestic abuse.
What do you need us for? count: 9
Dick is a dick count: 4
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BadJamags…
GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest guest host, GoodJamags…
… And we’re back for another riff of Love & Bullets, the fic that spent four chapters on two plot points.
GoodJamags: And let’s be fair here: the second plot point didn’t come into play until the end of the fourth chapter.
Speaking of which, we closed out last chapter with CONTRIVED DRAMA, and now the Sue… extra doesn’t want to marry Dick or something. I must’ve been asleep at that part.
Title: Master of the Universe
Author: E.L. James
Critiqued by Angie and Lyle
*covers face* I don’t know how to defend this one, guys. I really don’t.
Lyle: *walks in with a giant bag of gummy worms* What’s this you’ve found? *reads intro stats* E. L. James…. Why does that sound familiar….
She’s the…she wrote that super bad BDSM trilogy ‘Fifty Shades’. It’s also that movie, with like…Dakota Something and Jamie Whatsisface.
Lyle: Oh. Her. I didn’t realize she wrote more than that.
Actually, she really didn’t. It’s the exact same story, it’s just a Twilight fic instead of something original. It’s the exact same thing as Fifty Shades, word per word basically, just with changed names.
Lyle: *looks at the bag of gummy worms and then hands them to Angie* I’m going to need something stronger than this. You go ahead and get started. I’ll be back in a minute.
Oh no, Lyle. I’ve got alcohol right here. *opens cabinet built into desk* But if you must, I’ll get a head start.
Lyle: I was thinking coffee but that works, too. *grabs a bottle of wine from the cabinet, pops the cork, and takes a swig right from it.*
Well, guess there’s no use fighting it anymore. Let’s dive into the “fan fiction”, Master of the Universe.
Title: The Girl
Topic: The Outsiders
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Angie
Something about Soc’s and Greasers or something I don’t give a fuck.
*shows up at Lyle’s doorstep* Lyle…it’s just…it’s just so stupid. It’s such a bad fic. I don’t know how I can finish it. And I’m only one twelfth of the way through.
*vents for eleven more hours*
And then Riley’s like ‘maybe it would be a good idea to go back home to my abusive dad’ because apparently that’s a thing people do.
*vents for thirty three more minutes*
Darry’s all like ‘oh shit, girl I just met. Hey, I might as well let you stay here’ even though it was PONYBOY’S decision and then….
*vents for eight more weeks*
And they just so happened to be at the same convenience store at the same time….
*vents for sixteen more minutes*
…never would’ve happened if he had just been more careful. You know?
*Angie looks up to see the door shut, Lyle being at her work*
Goddamnit, sorry. I just. There are so many bad things I could say about this fic. It’s just so boring.
*sigh* Luckily for me, Chapter Three is infinitely shorter than Chapter Two. And also, we can finally escape Ponyboy’s point of view. It’s about damn time, too. So, let’s read on.
This chapter contains potential flamebait in the form of discussion of sexual assault and date rape. No military component this time, though, just the regular versions.
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to yet another chapter of Love of a Spartan.
Last time, the Hercules stopped over on Reach for a poorly-planned resupply run, where Kelly tried to drive a wedge between Edward and Renee by telling the idiot Marine that the idiot Spartan had ‘dumped’ her with no explanation or preamble. Terrifyingly, this was plan was entirely successful. Renee left with the other Marines and excuses for Marines to have some kind of celebration in the city around the military base (it’s all extremely vague), and Edward asked Amy to give her the message that Kelly lied even though he was five feet away from Renee at the time and could have just fucking told her himself.
“*Sigh….* Remember when this story had something to do with Halo?”
Terrible Troy Counter: 108
Mommy’s Little Marines (And Spartans) Counter: 114
Fucking Halight Counter: 53
We pick right back up with Chaper 26/Twenty-Five, “Repercussions”.
Can’t we just read that instead?”