1899: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy — Chapter 18, Chapter 19, and SSJ Lone Wolf’s Descent Into Madness

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 18
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

-WARNING-
This chapter of The Lone Wolf of the Normandy contains potential flamebait in the form of the author flaming his critics. He’s not very good at it, but manages to bring up most of the Standard Points of Internet Vitriol nonetheless.

*AdmiralSakai strides back through the now clean and well-lit hallways of RIFFCON, dressed once again in cargo pants and a neatly-pressed lab coat and carrying a pad of graph paper.*

All right. I haven’t seen any of those brain-eating zombies since I installed the new spam filter; all the bathrooms and staff areas have been re-stocked with fresh boxes of facial tissue and now that Nightmare Moon has been re-banished they should stay that way; all the copper piping has been reinstalled and I talked to Slenderman’s legal department about having Lizzie reassigned to Hogwarts-In-England where she belongs; and it turns out that I was perfectly able to get rid of Deadsun with just a Level 70 Baptist, a Level 62 New Ager, and a few licensed electricians. So it looks like we’re finally back on track to-

*Sakai turns the corner to the control room and stops dead. Troy Fisher is sitting in front of the viewport with a hollow, dead-eyed expression and an open bottle of Scotch on the desk next to him.*

It’s… it’s back, sir.”

No.

No no no no no no no no no. Lone Wolf is over. It’s dead, I killed it, we do not have to go through with this nonsense again!

*sigh*

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.
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1865: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy– Chapter 17

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! And welcome back to what is, finally, the last chapter of The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy. Take it away, Troy.

Well, pretty much all of the last chapter was spent just trying to get all of the various UNSC forces that have been dumped into Shepard’s universe on the same comm frequency and up to speed on all the bullshit that’s been going on regarding the slavers and the Kilimanjaro and whatever. Oh yeah, and Blaze killed the krogan who I guess was in charge of the whole ground assault or something, it’s kind of hard to tell what the wider course of this engagement is when we have zero idea what sort of forces both sides have, where they are located, or about really anything at all other than whatever enemy happens to be directly in front of one of the Spartans at the moment.”

Show and Tell Counter: 75

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 39

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1854: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapters 14 and 15

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 14 and Chapter 15
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy!

Last time we got to sit and watch Jun spit out a massive amount of mostly useless information about the Spartan programs and Noble Team to the Normandy crew, and were informed that back in my own galaxy Carter and the rest of them are all alive and on their way back to Earth because of bullshit-”

Because of that Monitor, actually.

– because of that bullshit Monitor. Oh, and Six decided he was actually going to not be a complete fucking jackass every waking minute and actually apologized to Shepard for… well, for threatening to murder her and her entire crew, but nothing really came out of it.”

Show and Tell Counter: 60

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 37

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1837: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 11

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy!

Last time Six and Co. cleared out the merc base on Xawin, where Six brutally murderated a krogan battlemaster for no real reason and then whined about the fact that an Alliance Navy officer had been somewhat less brutally murderated beforehand. Then back aboard the Normandy he assaulted a few more hapless crewmen and got out of any punishment by waxing whiny about how ‘orrible his life had been up until that point. Oh, and the good news is that Jorge has managed to be brought up to speed and integrated into Citadel Space without causing anybody any grievous bodily harm, but the bad news is the people he’s not causing any grievous bodily harm to are Blaze Shepard and his special snowflake brigade.

Show and Tell Counter: 50

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 30

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1827: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 9

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you Patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

Last time after wandering around doing basically nothing for most of the chapter, Spartan took off his armor for an out-of-nowhere medical exam which revealed that- surprise, surprise!- he looks like a male model. After that everybody went back to the Citadel station and met up with that Jun guy, and yet another Spartan named Jorge got shit out of Slipspace ‘somewhere in the Terminus’. And that, really, was about it.”

Show and Tell Counter: 38

Amorous Counter: 111

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 21

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1821: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter Eight

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons!

Last time on The Lone Wolf of the Normandy a whole lotta stupid went down, as in between regurgitated canonical get-to-know-you conversations with the Normandy squad it was revealed that Jane Shepard has an enormous Gary Stu of a brother named “Blaze” who is off fighting batarians somewhere; that The Illusive Man is actually an Admiral in the UNSC Navy who got plotholed into the Mass Effect universe many years before Six did; that he’s got Miranda busy trying to recruit the Spartans into Cerberus for no real reason that I can tell; and that Jun is reacting to these attempts with displays of gratuitous bloodshed sufficient to make Logan-B312 proud. Oh yeah, and the ‘relationship’ between Logan and Shepard continues to chug along its well-oiled rails with the fell inevitability of a WWI troop-train destined for the trenches of Verdun.

Show and Tell Counter: 33

Amorous Counter: 99

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 19

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1818: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter Seven Part Two

Hello hello all you Patrons, and welcome back to the slowly expanding pile of horrors that is The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

Last time everyone had a big long chat with that asari scientist Liara that they picked up on Therum, during which time Spartan beat up some more Alliance soldiers, developed some sort of weird hate-on for the pilot, insulted everyone’s intelligence, threw out stupid conspiracy theories dressed up as some sort of tactical insight, and generally was an insubordinate prick to Shepard. Shepard for her part just took a shower, posed in her underwear for no real reason for the author, and was an insubordinate prick to the Council she is supposed to work for. We left just as she was going up to the cockpit to probably be an insubordinate prick to Joker or for Joker to be an insubordinate prick to her.

Oh, and Jun is still chilling on the Citadel and not being a massive dickwad to every single person he meets.”

Show and Tell Counter: 29

Amorous Counter: 74

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 19

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