2005: A Thorned Rose Chapters 4-7

Title: A Thorned Rose (re-write)
Author:  Mercs2Girl
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mercenaries Franchise
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 4 ; Chapter 5 ; Chapter 6 ; Chapter 7
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

*enters the reading room, clad in green and black Mandalorian armor, the soft suit and trim of my helmet’s visor a dark olive drab with the plates, boots, main helmet sections, and gloves finished in a simple flat black paint*

Hello, everyone. Me-Iron-Maiden here and welcome back to the snarking of “A Thorned Rose”. Just give me a few moments to get set up and we’ll get started.

*pulls out a bottle of Gorilla Glue given to me by Bifocals, reads the instructions for use, and dumps it haphazardly over the room*

Alright, let’s see if I’m forgetting anything.

*pulls out a datapad and references the checklist I have typed up on it*

Ok, it looks like we’re just about ready.

*quickly inspects my weapons; an E-11 blaster carbine, a DL-18 blaster pistol, and a Stokhli spray stick before sitting down at the fic viewer*

You might be wondering why I’m geared up. That’s for several reasons.

Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

1981: Ash and Arceus: Ash’s Revenge

Title: Ash and Arceus
Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokemon
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Ash and Arceus: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

DISCLAIMER: The fanfic being snarked contains a scene of sexual intercourse: thus, this snarking is rated Not Safe For Work. Read at your own discretion!

Hey guys! It’s your boy Herr Wozzeck, and I am back from another brief hiatus that was spent figuring out my next career moves! Now that I’m mostly out of the real thick of it, though, I can concentrate on other things. Like writing. And riffing. And maybe wondering what in the hell some people were thinking trying to give us shit.

See, we got a comment on one of our older riffs recently: this one, to be precise. And in this comment, they said this:

I’m pretty damn sure I can’t find this because of you. Nice job. Now maybe I should go and criticize some of your own fics. Fanfiction is just people trying to live out personal fantasies or wishes for a series in the only way they know how. They aren’t here so you can make rude coments on the author or their work that they took time out of their life to write and post for others to see and enjoy. Sure it’s funny…but it might just be painful for the one who wrote it.

And they decided to log themselves in as “An anonymous writer on Fanfiction.net”. So, you know, you would think “hm, maybe the author decided to hop in and leave an anonymous bitchy comment because reasons”. I mean, it seems to fill in all the check boxes, right? The timing is about right, the tone is about right… everything about it seems to make sense. So in our author’s mind, “anonymous writer” would make sense to hide their identity, right? Because why risk outing yourself as someone when you can come up with a new username? Hey, it worked for Jedi Qui-Gon, why not here?

Read the rest of this entry »


Sunday Special: Semper Vigilo

Title: Semper Vigilo
Author: CunkToad
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi.
URL: Chapter One

Hello hello all you patrons! We haven’t had a special or feature around here in ages, and with the lingering aroma of Special Task and my being on kind of a Mass Effect kick in general over the next several riffs I figured I’d give a shout-out to a project I’ve been following pretty closely for the last few months.

Semper Vigilo bills itself as an alternate first-contact ‘fic:

What happens when humanity enters the galactic stage not as the race that got attacked by the turians for breaking a law they weren’t aware of, but as the race that saved a turian platoon from certain death?

That does indeed occur, and the strong alliance that develops between the humans and the Turian Hierarchy is a central element of later events. But I think a better way to describe the story would just be “What if the Alliance weren’t expansionist dicks to everybody for no reason, and were instead actually smart?”

Most of the ‘fic as it currently stands is dedicated to political maneuvering within the Alliance and with the other Citadel powers, with a hefty dose of black-ops shenanigans assisting the process. However, as things progress we get to see more and more of the Reapers, and that’s where the story really shines- imagine the cosmic immensity H. P. Lovecraft always tried to shoot for but slightly missed, threaded through with Andrew Hussie’s multi-limbed conspiracy theories, all told through a very clear, immediate, militarily and scientifically professional lens. It’s not clear how much of the previous politicking was the Reapers’ doing, directly or indirectly, but even before ME1 there’s this wonderful sense of the entire galaxy pitching forward to something big.

We also have Liara doing actual science, batarians who actually have a reason for doing what they do, Saren Arterius not being a dick, and the various Citadel races actually having complex politics and policies beyond just “WE HATE ALL THE HUMENS”.

As of this posting, Semper Vigilo has just completed the Eden Prime mission at the start of Mass Effect 1.


1938: A Special Task — Chapters 3, 4, and 5

Title: A Special Task
Author: Generatedname
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 3Chapter 4, and Chapter 5
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Senior Cabalist-Lieutenant Rijus Ta’nin

Hello hello all you patrons! I trust you had a wonderful Christmas (or lack thereof), so let’s dive right back into A Special Task.

Last time we encountered a ship full of STG agents, only one of whom – Morlan (or possibly Morvan) – actually got a name, being sent to Earth in the late 2030s to bring about the uplifting of humanity to Council technological levels. They got shot down on approach due to a combination of Mor(l/v)an being stupid and the human jet fighters sent after them being stupidly overpowered, and the only interesting part of the ‘fic happened where it was revealed that the salarians had sent a previous probe to Earth which had crashed at Roswell in 1947 and as a result the humans had known they had an interest in Earth for near-on a century. This revelation went… well, nowhere, really, and the rest of the chapter was just a bunch of infodumping about the Citadel Council and engine technologies.

Chapter Three, then, is still part of the ‘prologue’, in this case ‘Part 3- The Final Frontier’.”

Goddammit, ‘fic, stop reminding me of better things! Read the rest of this entry »


1933: A Special Task — Chapters 1 and 2

Title: A Special Task
Author: Generatedname
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Senior Cabalist-Lieutenant Rijus Ta’nin

Hello hello all you patrons!

So, umm, I was going to do some sort of a Christmas-themed ‘fic since it is indeed that time of the year, but the only thing I looked at that I had any interest at all in riffing was ten chapters long, so it’s just not going to happen. There’s also another chapter of Lone Wolf out but nothing fucking happens in it so instead I have decided to present to you with a very rare find: a Mass Effect Gary Stumanity ‘fic that doesn’t have a massive throbbing hateboner for the Turian Hierarchy.

No, instead this particular Mass Effect Gary Stumanity ‘fic has a massive throbbing hateboner for the Salarian Union.

Yeah, I’m still trying to figure out how the fuck this even happened.

Read the rest of this entry »


1899: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy — Chapter 18, Chapter 19, and SSJ Lone Wolf’s Descent Into Madness

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 18
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

-WARNING-
This chapter of The Lone Wolf of the Normandy contains potential flamebait in the form of the author flaming his critics. He’s not very good at it, but manages to bring up most of the Standard Points of Internet Vitriol nonetheless.

*AdmiralSakai strides back through the now clean and well-lit hallways of RIFFCON, dressed once again in cargo pants and a neatly-pressed lab coat and carrying a pad of graph paper.*

All right. I haven’t seen any of those brain-eating zombies since I installed the new spam filter; all the bathrooms and staff areas have been re-stocked with fresh boxes of facial tissue and now that Nightmare Moon has been re-banished they should stay that way; all the copper piping has been reinstalled and I talked to Slenderman’s legal department about having Lizzie reassigned to Hogwarts-In-England where she belongs; and it turns out that I was perfectly able to get rid of Deadsun with just a Level 70 Baptist, a Level 62 New Ager, and a few licensed electricians. So it looks like we’re finally back on track to-

*Sakai turns the corner to the control room and stops dead. Troy Fisher is sitting in front of the viewport with a hollow, dead-eyed expression and an open bottle of Scotch on the desk next to him.*

It’s… it’s back, sir.”

No.

No no no no no no no no no. Lone Wolf is over. It’s dead, I killed it, we do not have to go through with this nonsense again!

*sigh*

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.
Read the rest of this entry »


1865: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy– Chapter 17

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! And welcome back to what is, finally, the last chapter of The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy. Take it away, Troy.

Well, pretty much all of the last chapter was spent just trying to get all of the various UNSC forces that have been dumped into Shepard’s universe on the same comm frequency and up to speed on all the bullshit that’s been going on regarding the slavers and the Kilimanjaro and whatever. Oh yeah, and Blaze killed the krogan who I guess was in charge of the whole ground assault or something, it’s kind of hard to tell what the wider course of this engagement is when we have zero idea what sort of forces both sides have, where they are located, or about really anything at all other than whatever enemy happens to be directly in front of one of the Spartans at the moment.”

Show and Tell Counter: 75

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 39

Read the rest of this entry »