2567: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 1

–WARNING–
The ‘fic under review today contains political flamebait in the form of Nazis.
Like, actual literal Nazis this time, not just people who talk and act like Nazis but claim not to be Nazis, or people calling each other Nazis, or self-described neo-Nazis, but the genuine article Version One-Point-Oh. I really hope I don’t need to tell anybody why that’s bad, mmmkay?

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! I’m continuing my travels through Things In My Riffs Folder That Aren’t The First War by today taking a look at another Mass Effect alternate-humanity ‘fic that looks at The First War, giggles dementedly in its face, and asks, “why the hell are you all settling for merely crypto-fascist?”.

I actually made a joke about a ‘fic like this existing way back during the latter parts of Velocius et Fortius, but that was based on the assumption that nobody would actually be shameless enough to attempt to write it.

I assumed wrong. This is a thing that ACTUALLY EXISTS.

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2553: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 1

Title: Sweet Disaster
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! Today we continue my vacation from The First War with yet another ‘fic from my Massive Pile of Hideous Fem!Elite Halo ‘Fics, in this case the… appropriately-titled “Sweet Disaster” by some random dude(?) with a RWBY OC as his avatar and a whopping one-hundred-and-seven ‘fics on his profile. Most of them are dubious anime-focused shipfics, which apparently he got paid for since the majority of his profile page is an advertisement to take commissions at 0.01 cents per word (or possibly 0.03 cents per word, depending on where on the page you are looking).

This one, though, appears to be a self-motivated effort.

Unfortunately.

I would have paid him 0.05 cents per word to delete every trace of it so that I never have to deal with it again.

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2547: Task Farce Ash Guest Riff chapters 11 and 12

Title: Task Force Ash
Author: Ghost509
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokémon and Call of Duty
Genre: Adventure and “Romance”
URL: Chapter 11 and Chapter 12
Critiqued by Zeus Killer Productions

Judger: So the next chapter begins with Damien’s former Pokémon waking, having apparently lost all memory of the night before (which considering the type of abuse, is sadly plausible), with Rosa comforting them. Ash, after trying to get the 141 to stop using a hospital gurney as a battering ram for some reason, walks in, and the new trio immediately start thinking he’s “drop dead handsome.”

Because Pokémon obviously have the same standards of beauty as humans.

Svarti: So when asked what happened, Ash lies, and claims that he saved them from your standard Hentai Ugly Bastard, because it might be problematic if he’s arrested for first degree murder, even if the guy was a (exaggerated) douche. Also, this-

“I guess you could say that.” Ash said, his smile faltering ever so slightly. Rosa gently squeezed his shoulder in reassurance. She knew Ash hated to lie(unless he absolutely needed to) and, in this case, he did and didn’t. But still, she knew why he was doing this.

Anyway, the three females let the information settle in. They were almost raped. Their virginities, future, and innocence, almost taken away from them. Almost, being the key word. Ash had saved them. In their opinions they were now indebted to him. But the three lost their trains of thought, as Ash got up from his chair, while putting on his hat.

Judger: Because we needed more girls into his ducking harem. At this rate, he’s going to nab every single female on the planet.

Zeus: So Rosa states that she’ll always be by his side, when a flying pyramid shows up. Turns out the Kanto Battle Pyramid decided to show up, having heard of Ash coming here (and of course, the three females want to jump Ash’s bones because why not add even more women into the fucking harem?) and passing the cheerleaders, who are discussing how they can get laid like Ash.

Remember when the 141 were trained badasses? Me neither.

Svarti: So the chapter ends with the two groups meeting, just like what happened with the other gang. Curiously, the author felt prudent to leave this authors note at the start of the final chapter.

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2543: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to Mass Effect: The First War. In fact, after this chapter, we will officially be more than halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War.

Hooray!

Holy fuck, we’re still only halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War. Shit.

Anyways, last time Grand Moff Whyney had brief second thoughts about the whole “destroy Palaven for really no reason other than OUTRAGE!!!!” plan, was talked back into it by his random OC personal assistant, then gave a speech enthusiastically promoting the idea. No mention was made of the fact that the whole thing was, in fact, started by the quarians’ casual brutality and perpetuated by their ass-covering lies.

Also, the turians have the Forerunner Dreadnought from Halo because why invent anything original when you can just shallowly copy much better writing, amiright?

first_war_bb_11

But, hey, at least that asshole Chris McGraw wasn’t in this story, right?

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2539: Task Force Ash – “Chapter 9” and Chapter 10

Title: Task Force Ash
Author: Ghost509
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokémon and Call of Duty
Genre: Adventure / “”””””””Romance””””””””
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Zeus, Svarti, Ramirez, Judger, and special guest Anakin “The Chosen One” Skywalker

*Holo-Recording starts up*

Zeus: Welcome to yet another part of the TFA riff, where we examine just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Svarti: In the last two riffs, Ash became an even bigger Sue, we had a sex scene for 1/4 of a chapter, and the rest was spent glorifying this massive dick with a murder spree.

Ramirez: And in other news, chapter 9 is actually an authors note asking for help. Normally we’d skip it…

Judger: But we’ll let it speak for itself.

*Buzzsaw Noises*

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2537: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, Grand Moff Whyney twirled his mustache some more about destroying Palaven and some turian colonies, and a turian ship that somehow survived the massacre on the borders of the Sol System bombarded Tokyo, and Not-Master-Chief the Not-SPARTAN wandered around and killed some dudez in the rubble, and… that was about it, actually!

first_war_bb_11

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2524: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 10 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turian fleet pulled out as ordered by the Citadel Council, but then the humans cut off their exit, surrounded them, and wiped them out to the last man. Also, some of those pointless SPARTAN-knockoffs showed up and didn’t really do anything. And the quarians arrived just in time to participate in the tail-end of the latest round of pointless (and, indeed, since the humans were losing ships by fighting the turians who were just trying to leave, tactically inadvisable) slaughter and make a bunch of boring self-righteous speeches.

Oh yeah, and Douchey Sturk created some kind of spontaneous-particle-beam-generating weapon that can apparently destroy planets or something, because the Systems Alliance totally needs another one of those.

first_war_bb_9

One can only wonder what carnage is in store in the next chapter; I don’t think there’s much hope of the Stumans ever quitting now that they’ve acquired a taste for it.

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