2042: Salvation – Chapters 2 and 3 (Finale)

Title: Salvation
Author: FreddysNightmare1984
Media: Film
Topic: Deliverance
Genre: Adventure/Suspense
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by BatJamags

Caution: Fic contains extreme plot regurgitation. Please take appropriate sanitary measures.

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another thrilling chapter of Deliverance: Comments from the Peanut Gallery Edition. Let’s start the next chapter before I talk myself out of doing this, shall we?

WHOOT,

On second thought, maybe I should just scrap the whole thing. Door, would you mind letting me out?

*No*

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2038: Salvation – Chapter 1

Title: Salvation
Author: FreddysNightmare1984
Media: Film
Topic: Deliverance
Genre: Adventure/Suspense
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags

Caution: Fic contains extreme plot regurgitation. Please take appropriate sanitary measures.

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m submitting this little two-shot riff out of order. Screw the Backlog of Doom, this needs to be mocked right now.

Why? Well, allow me to direct your attention to the header.

Topic: Deliverance

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1976: Bid My Blood To Run — Chapters 2 and 3

Title: Bid My Blood To Run
Author: Jaeger Gypsy Danger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Romance/Hurt-Comfort
URL: Chapter 2 and Chapter 3
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Senior Cabalist-Lieutenant Rijus Ta’nin

WARNING
The ‘fic under riff today contains potential flamebait in the form of vaguely suicidal behavior and substantially less-than-vague sexism. And also NSFW fanart.
And also a really angry Admiral.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Bid My Blood To Run, aka. The Animalization Writer’s Guide Is Not A Bingo Game, You Don’t Get A Prize If You Fill In All The Boxes, Oh God Why Did You Try To Fill In All The Boxes.

*sigh*… Twenty-two years in the Cabal Corps, ten in Blackwatch… and still nothing could have prepared me for this.”

So, last time we were introduced to Commander Katherine Shepard, the depressed, horny, and disturbingly spongiform CO of the SSV Normandy. She moped around the captain’s quarters for a while, propositioned Thane, promptly forgot about Thane, and moped some more. Then Garrus Vakarian showed up from nowhere, claimed he was doing what she needed by refusing to leave when she needed him to leave, took off his armor and let Shepard punch him (which somehow resulted in her breaking bones), physically restrained her, and then played “I’ll-fuck-you, I’ll-fuck-you-not” for like a third of the ‘fic before finally settling on “I’ll-fuck-you” when Shepard pretty much just stripped naked in front of him. After that some really legitimately terrifying sex went down with Garrus basically beating Shepard to a pulp because apparently That’s What Turians Do in these sorts of ‘fics, followed by much more pedestrian sex and cuddling. Oh yeah and the turian language has no word for ‘love’ even though it is literally Latin, and turian women get basically no say in whether they enjoy fucking or not.

Animalization Checklist: 16/38

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1973: Bid My Blood To Run — Chapter 1

Title: Bid My Blood To Run
Author: Jaeger Gypsy Danger, who somewhat oddly has written no Pacific Rim ‘fics
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Romance/Hurt-Comfort
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Senior Cabalist-Lieutenant Rijus Ta’nin

WARNING

The ‘fic being riffed today contains potential flamebait in the form of yet another borderline-abusive relationship. And also more pseudo-MRA bullshit.
And porn. Lots and lots of porn.

Hello hello all you patrons. Rijus and I are back once more-

Please let me go, or at least let me die with some modicum of honor.”

-with another Mass Effect ‘fic, and while the last one basically forgot that turians existed, this one loves them a little too much.

Summary: A different approach to the FemShep/Garrus relationship. He’s a turian and perhaps not always the kind-hearted and gentle teddy bear we’ve come to expect. Adult situations about adult relationships. Rated M for a good reason.

TITLE: Bid My Blood To Run

CHAPTER: One

AN: Three Evanescence songs “Bring Me to Life,” “Haunted,” and “My Immortal” served as my inspiration. Adult stuff in here.

So, Rijus, are you sure we didn’t somehow end up in an alternate timeline where the Soviet Union took over the entire galaxy, right?

Ummm… fairly, yes. Why?”

Because I’m seeing nothin’ but red flags.

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1888: Jeff Clones On Parade– Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-

Like anything to do with Jeff the Killer, the pastas under review today contain potential flamebait in the form of tactless handling of bullying and mental illness. Oh and also really nondescript torture.

That is all.

Title: Charlie The Killer
Author: “Megan and Charlotte”
Media: Web Original
Topic: Jeff the Killer
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Trollpasta Rehost

Title: Lizzy The Reaper
Author: Your Guess Is As Good As Mine
Media: Web Original
Topic: Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Eyeless Jack, and basically every other horrible pasta in existence.
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Trollpasta Rehost

Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Nina

Hello hello all you patrons! Turn up your favorite Bathtubs & Razorblades album and open a new box of facial tissue, because it’s time once again for…

spoop4

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1867: One Night – Oneshot

Title: One Night
Author: MooneyNights
Media: Video Game
Topic: Undertale
Genre: ”Romance”
URL Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

—WARNING—

—CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL—

—NSFW/NSFC—

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a little oneshot I found recently in a canon we haven’t explored before – Undertale. You know what that means, right?

:cracks knuckles:

Prepare for a SC-style info-dump!

Undertale is a top-down dungeon crawling RPG with old-school pixelated graphics that has a genderless child named Frisk as the main character. Frisk falls into the Underground, a secret realm under the Earth where monsters were banished by the strongest human wizards after the humans defeated the monsters in a war. There is a magic barrier separating the monsters from the human world and only those who possess a human soul can cross this barrier. In order to destroy the barrier, seven human souls are needed – and it is revealed that Asgore Dreemurr, the King of the Underground, has six souls harvested from humans who have fallen into the Underground. Due to some very tragic back story, Asgore has declared war on humanity and wants Frisk’s soul to break the barrier. (But he’s not the only one.) Asgore is very conflicted about it and seems genuinely sad that he has to kill the player to achieve his goals, but he is willing to do it.

The sad yet murderous bastard

Frisk has to travel through the Underground to reach their goal and on the way meets skeleton brothers, an anime-obsessed scientist with a massive crush on a badass one-eyed fish woman, that same one-eyed fish woman, sexy seahorse men, the Tems, and other assorted characters along the way. There are three main paths that the game can take; Neutral, Pacifist, and Genocide. Like most RPGs there is a points system; in this case killing monsters will increase the player’s LV (also called LOVE) and EXP. However, it’s not until just before the big boss fight with Asgore that it is explained by Sans, a deceptively laid-back skeleton who likes to make bad puns and whose dialogue is in lowercase Comic Sans (get it?), that the LV/LOVE stands for Level Of ViolencE that measures your capacity to hurt others and the EXP are EXecution Points, which are a way of quantifying the pain you have inflicted on others. If you have been killing the citizens of the Underground to increase your LV and EXP, you’ve actually been a horrible villain and not a hero.

Oops.

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1837: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 11

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy!

Last time Six and Co. cleared out the merc base on Xawin, where Six brutally murderated a krogan battlemaster for no real reason and then whined about the fact that an Alliance Navy officer had been somewhat less brutally murderated beforehand. Then back aboard the Normandy he assaulted a few more hapless crewmen and got out of any punishment by waxing whiny about how ‘orrible his life had been up until that point. Oh, and the good news is that Jorge has managed to be brought up to speed and integrated into Citadel Space without causing anybody any grievous bodily harm, but the bad news is the people he’s not causing any grievous bodily harm to are Blaze Shepard and his special snowflake brigade.

Show and Tell Counter: 50

Amorous Counter: 116

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 30

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