1798: Coffin Rock: Retold – Chapter One

Title: Coffin Rock: Retold
Author: PureNexus
Media: Movies
Topic: The Blair Witch Project/Alpha and Omega
Genre: Mystery and Horror
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie

Last week…last year, I reviewed a terrifyingly boring creepypasta about Dragon Tales. It seemed to do fine on the Library, so this got me to thinking…is there another bad creepypasta based off a children’s show that made a few adults want to gouge their eyes out?

Lucky for all of us, there is. And it is based on…*pause for effect, even though you’ve all already read the title card* Alpha and Omega. And it’s a creepypasta about…*pause for effect, even though you’ve all already read the title card* The Blair Witch Project. Why? Who knows. Is it scary? Who knows. Is this author on crack? Who knows.

Before I get to this fic, I figured I might as well explain the premises of each movie.

The Blair Witch Project follows three aspiring filmmakers who find out there’s a thing called the Blair Witch in a forest near a town that used to be called Blair, now known as Burkittsville. They figure it’s a good idea to go into these woods and make a documentary on this terrifying being that they know for a fact exists and have tortured people before, because that’s a thing people do. It is one of my very favorite movies, and it has been referred to by at least one person as one of the worst films of 1999. So. There’s that.

Alpha and Omega is about wolves.

So let’s dive into Castle Rock: Retold.

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1792: Unknown Origins – Chapter One

Title: Unknown Origins
Author: Cyberweasel89
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Adventure and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie
Rating: M

For swearing, nudity, sex, blood, and violence. Hey, it’s Vegas, baby.

And drugs and alcohol. Thanks Cyber.

Hey, I’m Angie. And…after I got in touch with Cyberweasel on Fanfiction, she informed me that she liked my riffs and was wondering if I was willing to review what she considered to be her worst. So I went onto the Suggestion Box page. Scrolled to the bottom. And I clicked on the link.

*takes a shaky breath in* I also read the reviews. “The character has a severe case of Mary Sue, anime influenced or not.” “I stopped reading after the 1st scene. Way to unbelievable for me. Way to different than I remember from the game.” “Instead, she comes off as a two-dimensional, annoying idiot.”

I don’t want to read this. I really don’t. I don’t know shit about Fallout. I shouldn’t have to read this.

*sighs* Let’s take a look at Unknown Origins.

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1786: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Six

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by Angie

*mumbling* Something something Brego’s Mistress something something Léofe something something. Let’s read.

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1780: The Girl – Chapter Ten

Title: The Girl
Author: MRobitussin
Media: Books
Topic: The Outsiders
Genre: Romance
URL: Chapter Ten
Critiqued by Angie and Hiraani

Warning: The Girl is best consumed through your veins. Yes, inject those Socs and Greasers that probably won’t be there. Good. Goooood.

In just a few chapters, we’ll be halfway through this fic. It’s not a huge accomplishment, but it feels good. It feels nice.

So without further ado, let’s dive into….

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1774: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Five

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by Angie

Howdy, patrons!

Brego’s Mistress, leggo!

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1768: The Girl – Chapter Nine

Title: The Girl
Author: MRobitussin
Media: Books
Topic: The Outsiders
Genre: Romance
URL: Chapter Nine
Critiqued by Angie and Hiraani

*shakes Magic 8 Ball* Will there be Socs and Greasers in this chapter?

“Ask Later.”

*Angie walks angrily into the broom closet, sopping wet. Hiraani is waiting for her. She sits down*

Hiraani: What happened?

Nothing.

Hiraani: Why are you all wet?

No reason.

Hiraani: …you fell into the shark tank again, didn’t you.

…maybe.

Why are you here?

Hiraani: You said I could riff with you.

Oh. *rubs eyes* That’s right. Alright, let’s read The Girl.

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1760: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Four

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by Angie

I’m too harsh on fanfiction. You know? I, uh…it’s just been a really really weird year full of a lot really weird fanfiction.

Let’s just…let’s just get into another chapter with no plot of Brego’s Mistress.

*coughs, hacks*

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