Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Simon Bellamay III
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, I completely debunked Stone-Man85’s claim that Princess Mononoke took place in Tokyo with a little something called RESEARCH, which is quite evidently a foreign term to him, as has been evidenced on multiple occasions now. Then some goofy knights got a bit lost on the way to the Third Crusade and ended up sailing their siege tower all the way to Muromachi-period Japan somehow (according to our group headcanon), and Alex came across the Emishi village’s watch tower and described it and its occupant all wrong, which was cause for great annoyance on mine and the comments’ ends.
With me, as always, is Sir Paulo Rori and Simon Bellamay III, and they didn’t beat me here this time! HA, SUCKERS!
Simon: I wasn’t aware there was a competition.
Paulo: I suppose some men simply must be the cream of the crop at all times.
Hey now, that is not my mindset at all. I just wanted to get here before you guys for once.
Simon: Is that why you look like you haven’t slept in weeks?
THEY KEPT ME CHAINED TO THE CHAIR, MAN.
—FIC CONTAINS DISTURBING CONTENT—
Hello, my dearest Patrons!
We have reached that most wonderful of days, the end of a badfic! There are several other zombie Smurf fics in this author’s listings, however, so I might take a whack at them as well. I haven’t decided yet.
Honestly, I have no idea why this chapter exists. The last chapter wrapped up everything in a bland little package; the fastest zombie outbreak ever was just as quickly suppressed, leaving eighty percent of the village’s population dead and Chernov a hero. Toss in some groin-based humor and roll credits. This chapter is basically like the fic’s appendix, only in the “useless vestigial organ” sense rather than the usual literary one.
Let’s get to it, then!
Title: Secrets of the Master Emerald
Media: Video Games
Topic: Sonic the Hedgehog
URL: Secrets of the Master Emerald: Author’s note
URL: Secrets of the Master Emerald: Chapter 9
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the last installment of Secrets of the Master Emerald.
Well, we saw as it got unbelievably stupid last time. So I guess you guys will be thankful to day to know that we only have two—
What do you mean only one chapter?
I apologize for the inconvenience, I hate to do this but I must put this story on hold unless I can regain inspiration and ideas. Anyone who has any please feel free to let me know.
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic
Hello, patrons, welcome back to the Library! This week we embark on a horrible fic based on a somewhat esoteric game: Legend of Dragoon.
Legend of Dragoon was a JRPG released for the PS1 very late in the life of the console. In North America, this release was actually two months after the PS2 was on the market and everyone was already transitioning away from the older platform. Because of this, the game never drew as much attention as it really should have, but rather was overshadowed by all the new titles on the PS2. Even so, Legend of Dragoon was a little gem of a game that managed to do a lot of things right. Without getting into too much detail, I found the battle system particularly engaging because of the pseudo-active approach the game took. It was actually criticized for this very feature, since it required timing and attention to the battles rather than mashing the x button until everything was dead, but I found it a refreshing new look at a system that was otherwise already old by the time the PS1 was released.
I highly recommend giving the game a play. If you’ve got a PSP or PS3, you can pick up an electronic copy in the PSN store for $6, a fair price for a great game.
The plot of the game is a hard one to sum-up because it was fairly tortuous, as with many PS1 era JRPS. The big overriding plot is that there was an ancient war between the winglies, a magical race who ruled the planet, and the humans that ended in the cultural extinction of the winglies (and indeed near extinction of the species, though some still remain in hiding). The war was waged primarily through champions of both races. On the wingly side, they had champions paired with Virage, a creature born from the God of Destruction. The humans, on the other hand, paired up with the dragons. This partnership took the form of seven champions known as Dragon Knights, or Dragoons. The war was appropriately named The Dragon Campaign.
11,000 years later, humanity has control of the planet and the war is all but forgotten. However, starting in a small village called Neet, the war starts up again with the assassination of one of the last living Dragoons from the original Dragon Campaign, Zieg, and his wife. From here, his son, Dart, inherits the powers of the Fire dragon and, 17 years later, begins his own journey to save the planet from the machinations of one of the last living Winglies to annihilate the planet.
E: Ok so *shudder* things are getting a little intense right now *bang* pretty sure I saw a few demons on the lower levels. Things are currently being handled by *crash* the others…and I’m currently holding down a chokepoint to the hard room just in case things go
N: GET READY TO CLOSE THE DOOR WE’RE VENTING THE STATION!
E: Got it! *Slam* What’s the situation?
C: We managed to take out a good chunk of his forces and we managed to get a few good hits in on Manus. Hopefully the air being vented out of the station will at the very least slow them down. It won’t hurt Manus, but hopefully at the very least the sudden shift in pressure will kill some of his goons.
N: Wouldn’t they be protected by his ring though?
C: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe we’ll get the drop on them when they’re unshielded or something. There wasn’t any information on this in the documents Goeth left us.
N: Yeah speaking of Goeth, we really could use him about now.
E: Let me check the communication logs. *Types* Ok good, he sent us a message awhile back, he’s not that far away, and he’s bringing help.
C: Did he find a White Lantern?
E: Don’t know, it just says to hold on. Well, all we can do now is hold out in here and review the story.
S: You want to review a story while we’re under siege?
E: It’s our thing, we do it every week. Besides, things are guaranteed to be safe while we’re doing it.
E: Well, when we last left of, Akira got into a fight with a Shadow, made it clear that she’s in the middle of a love triangle and overall did very little to appeal. And now we continue. But first, stupid song.
(Song Counter: 13)
The Shadow this time was a Shadowy woman,
C: Well ya think that would go without saying.
sultry and seductive in her black shades. She had two men on either of her arms that would defend her from every type of element the team had to throw at them.
N: So it’s Shadow Kanji with less symbolism about being in the closet?
Good morning, everyone! Welcome back to Mahjoahwofe, a fic that answers the age-old question: “What happens when a twelve-year-old works as a cameraman on a television game show?”
*someone leans toward Lyle and whispers in her ear*
What do you mean “that’s not an age-old question?” Really?
*random person nods*
Oh. Well, we’re answering it anyway.
Hello again, everybody! It’s time for another chapter of “Frozen”!
GET AWAY FROM THE GODDAMN EXIT, YOU PANSIES.
Chapter two is about half the length of chapter one; we’ll see whether or not I have room to cram chapter three in here, too.
In our last chapter, Celeborn took the last boat from the Havens to Valinor and arrived just in time to discover that Jadis has staged an uprising against the Valar and has taken Galadriel hostage.
Shut up, my version makes more sense than the garbled almost-English I had to slog through.
Let’s dive straight in, shall we?