2347: Sonichu — Issue 2 Episodes 7 and 8

Title: Sonichu
Author: Christine Weston Chandler, aka. Christopher Weston Chandler, aka. Christian Weston Chandler, aka. Chris-Chan
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Sonic The Hedgehog / Pokemon / IRL / Yu-Gi-Oh
Genre: “Parody”, apparently.
URL: Issue 2 Template Box
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

-WARNING-
Today’s comic contains potential flamebait in the form of Chris-Chan’s highly revisionist history of the Cherokee civilization.
Yes, really.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the wonder that is Sonichu!

Last time, the whole ‘Hedgehog Of Color kidnaps Zapbud’ plot got pretty brutally resolved with Zapbud being recovered, Hedgehog of Color being punched in the face but otherwise left completely unchecked, and a robot named Metal Sonichu being sent to the Moon.

And then there was a bunch of exposition about Sonic actually having been a shapeshifting hedgehog lady working for the oft-mentioned-but-never-formally-introduced Mary Lee Walsh and a talking purple SnoCone named Count Graduon to try to get Sonichu to fulfill a ‘prophecy’.

Also, Chris got stood up on a date at a Starbucks.

Typo Cunter: 31

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Fillertacular Special: Admiralsakai and Serketry Riff MORE Terrible My Little Pony Fanart!

Hello hello, all you patrons. Someone didn’t get their riff in on time again, so that means it’s time for more chatlogs riffing the worst of the worst (or at least the funniest of the worst) My Little Pony fanart scraped from the depths of the fansite Equestria Daily!

Ok, fine, some of it’s not necessarily bad in a qualitiative sense; some of it’s just baffling or has uncomfortable implications to be read into it. But worthy of snark, regardless.

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2264: They Chose To Remain — A Retrospective

Title: They Chose to Remain
Author: AdmiralSakai
Media: Film
Topic: Jame’s Cameron’s Avatar
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi/Author Tract
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Yes, you read that correctly, I am indeed riffing an old shame of mine. Or, well, not riffing, exactly, because for reasons I will be getting into below this thing is a potential Librarian-breaker and I am extremely disinclined to do a full riff of it. I’ve actually been considering bringing it onto LotD for a good long while now, but due to its aforementioned unriffability I wasn’t entirely sure how to go about doing that until I saw HerrWozzek’s retrospective on Mass Vexations and decided I liked that format. If someone does want to riff it the link is in the page header and I can also put it in the orphaned-fics table, but you are a braver soul than I and I can already predict you are unlikely to see the far side of the thing. So let’s go ahead and dive into They Chose to Remain (Or, Why Getting An A In AP Computer Science Does Not Make You Isaac Asimov (You Self-Righteous Fuckwit)).

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2248: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapter 12

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the very last chapter of Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Previously, Sly and the Attal OC Brigade just sort of dicked around war-torn Moscow for a while fighting nameless RED goons and accomplishing vague objectives. There really wasn’t a great deal more to it than that, really, although apparently Bastion doesn’t exist or something and was actually a hallucination of Sly’s due to Stalin69 somehow conflating the characters of Bastion and Cole and then just flat-out refusing to fix his mistake Sly having something called “the disease of Him” which may or may not be connected to the evil dentists.

Anyway, we left off as the team prepared to board and destroy a giant RED airship which is totally not a Kirov, with Sly having been given a small white Magical Mystery Crystal by Ras to use when the mission inevitably goes pear-shaped.

And that’s… really about it.

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2242: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapters 10 and 11

 Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 10 and Chapter 11
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

*All is quiet in RIFFCON save for the droning of alarms, sparking of severed electrical wires, and shifting of debris. After much struggling and many profanities, AdmiralSakai pops out of a rubble pile like an especially bedraggled skeleton and hauls himself into an un-crunched rollie chair. After a few seconds Troy Fisher and Dominic Torus cautiously peek out from an electrical closet and join him- Troy’s armor is smudged with grease and concrete powder, while the Director’s crisp blue uniform is, of course, spotless.*

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Last time Sly, Carmelita, and some rich, chunky OCs named Coal, Bastion, and Claire stormed a RED compound as part of their crazy live-fire live-enemy training exercise. This involved a bunch of fucking around with Sly locking the door to the barracks and some RED soldiers named Ivan, Dimitri (no relation) and Sergio being unable to get it open.

It suddenly occurs to me that none of the OCs this story has introduced have last names. What’s up with that?

Anyway, Claire and Sergio both got killed, and then Photonegative Jayden Warney showed up to evacuate the rest of them and mentioned that the entire Russian Federation has surrendered to RED after Moscow and a bunch of other cities (in Russia?? Worldwide???) were somehow completely destroyed. Ostensibly this was accomplished with nuclear missiles or something, but my money is on giant chapter-size textwalls like the one Stalin69 just dropped on us and called Chapter 10.

*Sakai hauls himself out of his rollie-chair and sizes up the monolith. There is not a single line break to be found within its bulk. With a resigned expression he grabs a crowbar and begins chipping away.*

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2237: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapter 9

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide, which continues to feature incredibly little screentime for Sly Cooper or the gang.

Previously, Sly got back from the mission where he needed to prove himself to Photonegative Jayden Warney by leading an attack on a RED outpost, only to be told by Photonegative Jayden Warney that he needed to prove himself by leading an attack on a RED outpost. Only this time it’s supposed to be a training mission so it’s even more backwards and needlessly dangerous.

Also we got introduced to Sly’s new generic OC squadmates Coal and Clair (because I guess the old generic squadmates Felix and Don weren’t rich and chunky enough).  We also got Photonegative Jayden Warney’s rich, chunky backstory about having fought in World War II and then betrayed by the Red Army and frozen in ice for several decades which somehow was intended to explain why he at times speaks perfect English and other times in a Russian accent Tarzan grammar and makes him a sort of weird hybrid of a Call of Duty character and Jean Bison from Sly 2. Last but not least Sly had a conversation at PJW’s base with a rich, chunky gardener named Bastion, who apparently has the power to interact with people’s dreams from miles away and sent Sly a rich, chunky vision of… a dental procedure, I guess, it was all very vague. Also characters repeatedly use the non-word ‘attal’ in contexts where they are referring to PJW’s organization, so while I have no idea what that was originally supposed to be I’m just going to use it as the name from now on.

We left off with Sly, Carmelita, possibly Murray, and The C&C Blather Factory camped out in the wilderness as part of their training mission.

Oh yeah, and those missiles that got launched from the RED base a few chapters ago kind of just petered out and did nothing, much like the plot arc in general.

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2230: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide — Chapters 7 and 8

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 7 and Chapter 8
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Previously on this rejected Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare script which happens to feature a pair of counterterrorism agents named Sly Cooper and Carmelita Fox, the whole ‘amnesia’ plot kind of just petered out of its own accord as Sly was reintroduced to the rest of the Cooper Gang and they all sort of agreed by omission of protest to work for Photonegative Jayden Warney in fighting the mysterious RED. We were introduced to a bunch of interchangeable annoying squadmates who the Cooper Gang will be working with, and PJW sent them all on a very poorly-thought-through mission to steal a bunch of gold from a RED outpost (his entire paramilitary force seems to be funded off of Goldline). Sly snuck ahead to take out the base defenses and was instead confronted by a RED officer the ‘fic just calls “Person” who subscribes to the Klingon School of Human Resources Management and tricked Sly into launching the ‘gold’ (which was actually a bunch of missiles) into orbit before everyone absconded the fuck out of the exploding base.

Somehow it all made even less sense in context.

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