1825: The Marissa Games – Chapter Eleven

Title: The Marissa Games
Author:  Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list!  – Lyle]  The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL:  Chapter Eleven
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat

Not a Verb Counter: 768

Scatology Counter: 103

*Cain and Goddess are bickering about something or other, waiting for Ghostie and Syl to arrive*

Cain: Again, this simply won’t work. We don’t have the numbers to tide Vagueness’s apparently infinite-

Goddess: Not just yours, perhaps, but-

Cain: Wait a moment. Monitor, attain my permission before beginning the recording, in the future.

Goddess: Also, that was a dick move.

(Very well. -Monitor)

Cain: Now, anyway, if I’m right, Syl and Ghostie will arrive, bursting through the door… now.

:Everyone stares at the door in anticipation:

Cain: … Any moment now.

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1783: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part Two (Now with RealTalk™)

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey, guys!  We’re finally here, the grand finale of Heroes and Villains!  It’s celebration time!

“YAY!”

*Eliza sprays confetti everywhere*

I have deep regrets.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened with the Malkavians.  Mostly stupid stuff that involved horrible accents, German, and an illogical deal where Willow promised to hand over the city to them.  Really, at this point the fic has lost all pretense of trying to have a plot and now it’s just random shit happening while Igor moons over IndigoStars.

“I still feel really embarrassed for Igor.”

Luckily this fic is gone and was super obscure even before she pulled it down.  And now it’s being featured on a riff blog that is every bit as obscure.  It’s unlikely Indigo will ever see it.  Anyway, let’s see what we’ve got this week.

Also, to address the elephant in the room, I discovered today that Igor is transgender and prefers the feminine pronoun.  My bad on that one, but I had to dig pretty deep into the internet to discover it, so I see it as an honest mistake.  Regardless, I’ve corrected it moving forward.

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1771: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-One, Part Two

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Heyo, patrons!  Are you all ready for another installment of Heroes and Villains!?

Too bad, we’re doing it anyway.  I’m super busy dealing with all the ransomware fallout this week, so we’re just going to jump right in without any more preamble.

“Did you know that apparently Malkavians can’t be killed with stakes?” Willow asked the others, showing them the page in the book she was reading.

“Yes.  It’s been mentioned several times now.”

I changed my mind, can we go back to doing a preamble?

“Too late, keep going!”

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1767: The Marissa Games – Chapter Nine

Title: The Marissa Games
Author:  Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list!  – Lyle]  The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL:  Chapter Nine
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat

Not a Verb Counter: 686

Scatology Counter: 101

Cain: Welcome back, everyone. I’m here with Syl, Ghostie, and Datapad-Goddess for another chapter of The Marissa Games. Say hello.

Syl: Hello! :blows kisses:

Ghostie: Do I really have to be here?

Goddess: You seem kind of annoyed, Cain. And yes, Ghostie. Sorry about that.

Syl: Have you met him? Kitten’s middle name is “Annoyed”. Or possibly Tiberius, I forget which.

Goddess: I prefer other middle names for him.

Syl: McLovin? That’s always a good choice. Very hipster.

Cain: This is the part where we begin the riff.

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1763: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-One, Part One

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Welp, we’re finally there, the home stretch.  Now that Igor is completely out of fucks to give, we enter the freefall stage.  The shark jumps, the editing dwindles, and what passes for the plot becomes even more fragmented and incoherent.

“You make it sound so good!”

Don’t I, though?

“Recap?”

Sure.  Spike does a sparring session with team Buffy, and then quickly drops that in favor of most of the group running off to go look for the very items that Willow was just told about in the previous scene.  Because that’s how good writing works.  On their way there Jim is invited to exposit his backstory, which he does.  It’s a contrived backstory, and since it’s about a character that nobody honestly gives a shit about, there’s no real need to revisit it.   After a quick chat with the embodiment of the plot, they’re directed to the same place Willow’s going.  It’s also dropped that Igor has decided to change his mistake into a plot point involving Sunnydale being completely restored.  Presumably with a “because magic” in there somewhere.  And if you’re wondering why it took the members of Team Buffy this long to think something was strange with Sunnydale being back, then you’d be forgetting that nobody in this fic actually has a brain.

“It turns out that you don’t need one to star in a fanfic!”

The chapter trails off with a scene of DEEP FORESHADOWING™ where a bunch of vampires with extremely fake accents talk about stuff that I can’t be bothered to remember, and then an ASMR vampire shows up because why the fuck not?  Igor literally had no fucks left to give when he wrote that scene, which is why I skimmed the crap out of it.

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1761: The Marissa Games – Chapter Eight

Title: The Marissa Games
Author:  Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list!  – Lyle]  The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL:  Chapter Eight
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat

Not a Verb Counter: 625

Cain: I’d been hoping not to ever have to do one of these again–both because I hate this fic and because Syl is aboard one of my ships–but the Library did make us sign a contract.

Syl: :blows kisses: Bite me, kitten.

Agent [GREY]: Here you go, Ghostie. *Hands Ghostie a spray bottle*

Ghostie: Don’t worry, I came prepared today. :holds up Super Soaker 9000: Top me up?

Agent [GREY]: Of course. *Conjures Cardamom tea into the Super Soaker*

Syl: Bugger.

Cain: Glynda was going to join, but I vetoed that. I’m pretty sure the fic would’ve given her an aneurism.

Ghostie: Or someone :glares at Syl: would try to get her into trouble.

Cain: Well, that too. I was trying to be polite. It’s probably a waste of effort with Syl, though.

Syl: I’ll have you know those were nothing but baseless rumors and accusations.

*An end-table appears, followed by a datapad appearing on top of it, sitting perfectly upright in a blatant defiance of the laws of physics*

Goddess: And we all know that “baseless” can never be used to accurately describe you. *Waves to Cain* Hello, lovely!

Syl: Hey-ya, dimples!

Ghostie: Although “topless” can be used far too often to describe Syl.

Syl: Hey, if I’m doing my laundry I might as well do all of it.

Cain: Goddess. You do know we’re fighting a shadow war against each other, right?

Agent [GREY]: Well, that’s no reason to be impolite, is it?

Cain: Yes, it is.

Goddess: No, it isn’t. Besides, wars are boring.

Syl: He’s so rude. Do you know he sealed me in a force-field once? And then shot me at the event horizon of a black hole. I got a bruise on my bum. Anyone want to see?

Cain: And I’ll happily replicate that feat if you take your clothes off.

Ghostie: :hoses Syl down with tea: We’re starting the chapter soon, right? If you two start sniping at each other, we’ll be here all day.

Cain: Right now, in fact. Agent [GREY], normally I wouldn’t send you away in the middle of the riff, but I need you to work on tracking Goddess. It probably won’t matter, but I’d like to at least pretend we’re taking this conflict seriously.

*Agent [GREY] nods and turns into tea, disappearing. Most of the tea ends up splashing Syl upon falling to the ground, the rest disappearing*

Syl: :wrings out hat: For future reference, it is polite to at least buy a girl dinner before splashing her with your fluids.

Goddess: I can’t really give you a proper high-five from here in my secret base all the way in no-way-I’m-telling-you-land, so just pretend I’m giving you one.

Cain: We’re starting, now.

Ghostie: Please, for the love of all that is holy.

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1751: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty, Part Two

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey guys!  Welcome back to Heroes and Villains, the fic with more nothing in it than any other fic!

“Not to mention more pointless references!”

Yes, there is that.  Last time?

“Four words, Taco: Compulsory Physical Fitness Program!”

Wasn’t there also something about Vampire the Masquerade?

“Crazy vampires have the best bling, and Mr. Red wants it.”

Right, how could I forgot.  Onward to part two!  And, as promised, it’s all about team Buffy.

“Talking to each other.”

But of course.

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