257: Udina gets some Advise – One Shot

Title: Udina gets some Advise
Author: Madman123456
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Mass Effect
Genre: Suspense/Drama
URL: Udina gets some Advise
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello again, children. Over the course of my next few updates, we’re going to take a break from Parallel Realities. Thank Jesus. I’m gonna need the break if I’m gonna survive the ME2 arc.

So for this break, I’m actually going to be snarking two separate fics, mostly because one of them is a oneshot. (The next time we get a break from Parallel Realities, you probably won’t be so lucky.) The first one is crazy, and the second one is completely batshit insane.

So we’ll be tackling both of those two fics before we get back to Parallel Realities.

First up… we have:

Udina gets some Advise

This is a fic that’s intended to be Udina bashing, but ends up somewhere totally different by virtue of just how bat-shit insane the logic presented is. I mean, seriously, the logic presented almost approaches Stupard levels of terrible and non-sensical, it’s so bad.

And oh hey, the grammar is bad in the title! Surely, this is a sign that our sanity will remain intact at the end of this!

Let’s dig right in.

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256: Slaying Forks – Chapter Five, Part Two

Title: Slaying Forks: Bella’s Becoming
Author: Spike Xander’s Drink
Media: TV Show
Topic: Buffy the Vampire Slayer X Twilight
Genre: “Adventure/Supernatural”
URLSlaying Forks – Chapter Five
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back to the second part of the fifth chapter of Slaying Forks: Bella’s Becoming, wherein Bella became a slayer 5-ish years ago.

Last time we joined Tiger as he interacted with Drusila, Vi, and his future self in order to provide the audience with some mind-numbingly vague foreshadowing.  He then went on to interact with a few ghosts of key characters from the Buffy universe that were dragged into the service of The Powers That Be.  Presumably this service will involve copious amounts of fawning over Bella.  From there we followed Tiger on his first day of High School.  He’s going to high school as part of his cover story so that he can [information missing].  Unfortunately he forgot to think up a cover story, so things get awkward pretty fast.  We left off last time with Tiger indicating that he liked Boys, Bella, some other crap, and singing.

If you want a recap on the whole story, I suggest you check out the summary blob in part one.

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255: the specter’s child – One Shot, Part Four

Title: the specter’s child
Author: maoambubble
Media: Book
Topic: Fairy Tale
Genre: Fantasy / Drama
URL: the specter’s child
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Warning:  This fic contains a scene of a character being burned.  Proceed with caution.

Okay, folks, we have only 3 “chapters,” an epilogue, and two very short post-epilogue bits left of this fic, so I’m going to try to push through and finish today.  Make sure you have your temporal sickness bags handy for the random tense changes.

For those lucky enough to have forgotten, here’s what’s going on:  The story is narrated by Alisha, a Fairy Sue, who is being pursued by “the police” from New York to Palm Beach because she is supernatural.  Her standard love interest, Matt, revealed himself to be a pixie after saving her from getting killed by an ogre.  FS has been abducted by Skye Charley, an Awesome McEvil who wants either for FS to back off Matt or to know FS’s secret that Skye has no way of knowing that FS has.  Skye tortured FS with a lighter then dragged her out of school to her father, who is part of “the law enforcement.”  He’s evil too, and has just given Skye the go-ahead to continue the torture.

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254: When you love someone – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: When you love someone
Author: hot-chick down under
Media: Television
Topic: House M.D.
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: When you love someone – Chapter Three
Critiqued by Frozenpoodlemeat

When we left our heroes last week, Trish had just burst in on Chase and Cameron as they tried to put House out of their thoughts.  Trish has decided to see this to the end and somehow fix poor Cameron’s life and the mess she made at the hospital.  So, let’s see how that goes.

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253: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter One, Part One

Title: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution
Author: DragonKnightRyu
Media: Anime / Manga / Book / Movie
Topic: Naruto / Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Cross-Over
URL: Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution – Chapter One
Critiqued by Lyle
Submitted by Mr. Rofapofagus

Welcome back, trusty patrons.  Today I’m going to tackle chapter one of the Naruto/Harry Potter fic called “Shinobi & Wizards: Resolution.”  So far we’ve discovered that Harry is actually a girl named Jade who has been sent to an alternate universe.  That alternate universe happens to be the Naruto Universe, where ninjas are trained from a young age to be human weapons.  While there she grows up with the title character, Naruto, and an author-insertion named Ryu who also happens to be the orphaned heir to a ninja clan we’ve never heard of before.  There was a lot of plot regurgitation from the first chapter of the manga/episode of the TV show.

It’s worth nothing that, since this story exists somewhat in the Harry Potter universe, I will not be using my Smacking Book.   I don’t want any name confusion.  So I’ll be resorting instead to use of my extensive ninja-weaponry arsenal.

Now, let’s see what’s in store for us in chapter one!

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252: A burning Rose – Chapter Three or 2A

Title: A burning Rose
Author:
daseylover14
Media:
Book / Movie
Topic:
Twilight
Genre:
AU / Crime / Adventure
URL:
A burning Rose – Chapter… Three?
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Welcome back, dearest Patrons! I’m here today with Chapter 3 (or 2A) of the Twilight fanfic, A burning Rose. It is listed as Chapter 3 in the chapter listings but the chapter itself begins with the words “Chapter 2A theft”  which I am assuming to be the chapter number and title. If you’re confused by this, that makes both of us.

In the first chapters we are introduced to a thief called AburningRose, whom I have dubbed AbR so I don’t have to type out the whole name every time, who accepts a job from someone called AlCaDon without knowing a single thing about it. She uses a small boy to retrieve her payment from a locker and then there was some vague backstory about how her parents are dead and she now lives with Uncle The Prof, a “Scientist” who turned her cat Mr. Fluffypants into a puma-sized monstrosity and tends to leave dangerous stuff laying around for her to play with.

I’ve got a big bag of questions that only promises to get bigger, so let’s get started!

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251: Parallel Realities – Chapter Fifteen and More Author Art

Title: Parallel Realities
Author: InHarmsWay
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Mass Effect
Genre: Supernatural/Romance/AU
URL: Parallel Realities: Chapter 15
Bonus URL: Nexus
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello children, and welcome to the last installment of the first third of Parallel Realities. We already have a ton of massive plot holes here, and we have one more chapter of stupidity to burn through in the Mass Effect 1 arc. And then, we can move on to other things so I can catch my breath for the ME2 arc.

And once we get into the ME2 arc… I might actually have to break the snarking of that in two parts. The thing about the ME2 arc is that not only do the chapters start getting progressively longer, but the ME2 arc takes up every single chapter from Chapter 16 to Chapter 36. As you can imagine, this results in several pacing gaffes, which actually kind of makes me ask why the hell InHarmsWay felt he needed to cram the first two games and a prospective look at the third game into one fic. I mean… have you seen the second game? That one has so much shit to cover that trying to cover it all in a compressed manner is going to result in a lot of pacing gaffes.

But we’ll get to that when we get there. For now, we just have one last chapter to go in terms of the ME1 arc. So let’s dive right in.

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