584: Twin Humanities – Chapter 8 (Part 2) and Chapter 9

Title: Twin Humanities
Author: max7238
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure Romance
URL: Chapter 8 and Chapter 9
Critiqued by Erttheking

W:  This…game…is…BULLSHIT!

E:  No, you want bullshit, you play Rogue Legacy.  Fireballs and spiked balls everywhere while a giant ghost chases you and you have to turn around to swing at him, that is bullshit.

N:  If you two are done already, I’d like to get this over with.

C:  Seriously Woods, if you can just keep going at it then you won’t have any problem with-*beep*

E:…What was that?

G:…Oh…I’m picking up a life sign outside the space station.

N:  What?  Where from?

G:  I don’t know, it’s scrambled, all I know is that there IS something out there.  Nora, you and I are the front line fighters here, we’re gonna go on a bit of an expedition here.  You three will probably be safer hiding out in here.

N:  Protect Ert and whatever happens, don’t let them get their hands on anymore of our rings.

C:  You got it, I’ll slice anyone who comes near us in half

W:  You can count on *Whir* where’d all the lights go?

G:  They must’ve cut into the main power supply, we’re running on backup now.  All right, I think I know where they are, Nora with me.  I’m gonna be sealing the blast doors behind me, stay here until we get back.

N:  Stay safe you guys *Slam* Read the rest of this entry »


583: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapter 38, SEX Seen, & Chapter 39

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 38
URL: SEX Seen
URL: Chapter 39
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

WARNING: THIS FIC CONTAINS POORLY WRITTEN EROTICA AND REFERENCES TO RAPE.

 

:sigh:

Well, I’m back, dearest Patrons. Yay.

Shinobi-san has filled me in on what happened last week, and what a pile of pure steaming crap. Edward skipped back to the Thundercats via SDQF and then discovered that the man that Lola killed was :eye-twitch: Mulder. This led to the standard “characters insulting each other” scene that ended with Cheetara dying at Edward’s hands. Everyone seems just fine with this and they saunter off deeper into Hell. Suddenly everyone from team Dork Side appears, followed shortly by Lola & Co sans Lola, who is leading Satan’s forces. Edward realizes that he must kill her to end the fight, so he starts blubbering like a baby and begging for his life while she prepares to kill him even though he should still be carrying around the Sword of Omens and could easily put an end to all of this. Suddenly Loward/Jaslie/Locob runs up to them and also begs for Edward’s worthless life.

Chapter 38 begins with an Author’s Note indicating that she will judge the fanfic contest later, I haven’t a clue what she’s talking about but it sends shivers down my spine.

The chapter proper opens with Edward the giant wuss weeping openly and quickly moves into what passes for costume porn for this fic.

Read the rest of this entry »


582: Twenty Warriors – Chapter Six

Title: Twenty Warriors
Author: Herr Wozzeck
Media:  Video Games/Comics/Movies/Cartoons
Topic: Skies of Arcadia/Fire Emblem (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn duology)/X-Men/Punisher/Super Smash Brothers/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Tales of Symphonia/Dead or Alive/Riviera: The Promised Land/Gears of War
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Twenty Warriors: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Well hello once again, patrons, and welcome back to this snarking. Well, last week we ended on one of the best worst descriptions ever. Seriously, that description was just so bad it was awesome.

Which is why you may be dismayed to learn that in this week, it’s back to same old, boring bullshit. But this week, we get a dash of something else in there! Yes, Johnny, we get more bullshit in this piece of shit on top of the shit!

So let’s get started, shall we?

Read the rest of this entry »


581: Raptor and I – Chapter Nine

Title: Raptor and I
Author:
 Akashi.Cloud / ZincRae
Media: Movie
Topic:  Jurassic Park
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Raptor and I: Chapter 9
Critiqued by Darth Crunchy

Oh C’mon!  Now it’s just your name!

“Hold on, what is that obelisk all about?”

Hmm, I don’t know, let’s go look at the bottom of the riff and see if there’s a footnote.

*Taco and Crunchy head off for the bottom of the riff for a while and then return*

Well, with that sorted, let’s see what we have this week. Read the rest of this entry »


580: Twin Humanities – Chapter 7 and Chapter 8 (part 1)

Title: Twin Humanities
Author: max7238
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure Romance
URL: Chapter 7 and Chapter 8
Critiqued by Erttheking
G:  Remind me why I’m here again.

E:  Because Woods and Cornelia are busy, so you need to feel in for them.  I’ll be covering gameplay, so you act as the outsider.

G:  *Yawns* whatever you say.  What are they doing anyway?

W:  HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW A FUCKING DRAGON WAS GOING TO SET THE BRIDGE ON FIRE!

C:  You were supposed to have seen the scorch marks and realized that something was up!

E:  Woods is giving the game a shot and Cornelia is helping her out.  So, without wasting anymore time, let’s get back into it.  Read the rest of this entry »


579: My Immortal – Chapter Eleven

Title: My Immortal
Author: Tara (reposted by the lovely internet trolls)
Media: Book / Movie
Topic:  Harry Potter
Genre: Romance / angst
URL:  My Immortal – Chapters Eleven
Critiqued by Lyle

As usual, this fic contains mention of suicide and horribly written sex scenes that contain very little sex.  Please skip it if you are bothered by these topics.  Thanks!

Hey everyone!

So… the re-post by TheJadedDolphin and her cohort has been removed from Fanfiction.net, for [insert reason here].  But, thankfully, the trolls of the interwebs have saved this story all over the damn place, so finding a replacement copy is as easy as finding pictures of cats.  For now I’ll be grabbing it from the My Immortal Rehost site linked above. This site has been up since 2008 so I don’t think it’ll be going anywhere anytime soon.

I know I’ve been gone a while.  Based on the craziness of my life, I’ll probably just be a sporadic poster until further notice.  As such, I might need a little help remembering how I do this.  So, let’s get started!

Read the rest of this entry »


578: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy – Chapters 31/32 & 35

Title: Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy
Author: twilightlover4eva
Topic: Various
Media: Book/Movie
Genre: none listed
URL: Chapter 31/32
URL: Chapter 35
Critiqued by Ghostcat Gumdrop & Shinobi-san

:a large tyrannosaurus rex stands in the middle of the Riffing Chamber, accompanied by a small figure dressed all in black:

Gumdrop not sure about this, but Shiny Bee say Gumdrop should stand here while Butter Ninnies look for Ghostie. Gumdrop want help look for Ghostie, but Shiny Bee use many bad words so Gumdrop do what bossy little scary friend say.

:black-clad ninja bows deeply towards Patrons, the tyrannosaur scratches himself:

Gumdrop misses Ghostie. :tilts head down to look at ninja: Why Ghostie run away screaming many bad things?

:ninja produces a piece of chalk and writes on the floor:

Pretty word-things! :angles head slightly to see betterShiny Bee say fic broke Ghostie’s brain. Ghostie hiding now, but Butter Ninnies have been sent to find Ghostie because Shiny Bee think maybe … Scary little friend, what “sehp-poo-koo” mean?

:more writing:

Oh!. :begins to drool: That bad.

:more writing:

Gumdrop insulted by Shiny Bee’s accusation; Gumdrop would never kill Ghostie! Only scavenge afterwards.  :sighs:  It taking too long. What now?

:ninja continues writing:

Fill in for Ghostie? Gumdrop not know how!

:ninja wipes away portion of writing and adds a small mark:

Oh, Shiny Bee do it while Gumdrop stand here not breaking things. But how? Butter Ninnies never speak to anyone but Ghostie.

:ninja holds up console’s wireless keyboard:

Shiny Bee smart!

Read the rest of this entry »