Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, joined by Shades and Bifocals, and I’m here with a new riff (yes, a new long riff on top of an ongoing long riff, I know I’m stupid, you don’t have to remind me)!
Actually, funny story… I was working on a oneshot, but that oneshot’s author turned out to be one of those people who does the exact opposite of treating their audience like goldfish: They assume the audience knows everything about the canon, and therefore explain none of it. So, suffice to say, that oneshot is going to take me a while. That and my work schedule of eight-hour closing shifts, all the time, everywhere, has seen me absolutely drained of any drive to write anything, so this is me trying to get a spark of life going – because good GOD, I’m fucking bored.
Shades: He’s saying that even with our usual shenanigans going on.
Bifocals: It must truly be bad if not even we can hold his attention.
I’ve just resorted to spraying them with a water bottle, not unlike what I do with a misbehaving Glasses. Repeat offenders get the front yard sprinkler systems, and any further misconduct is boosted to a fire hose. Monocle’s gotten to the point where I need to take a sledgehammer to a fire hydrant.
Anyhow, the riff:
This fic is called, “Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit,” by JewishPotato!
*SC smashes a plate on the floor*
Shades: …That’s Greek, mate.
—CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL—
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a little oneshot I found recently in a canon we haven’t explored before – Undertale. You know what that means, right?
Prepare for a SC-style info-dump!
Undertale is a top-down dungeon crawling RPG with old-school pixelated graphics that has a genderless child named Frisk as the main character. Frisk falls into the Underground, a secret realm under the Earth where monsters were banished by the strongest human wizards after the humans defeated the monsters in a war. There is a magic barrier separating the monsters from the human world and only those who possess a human soul can cross this barrier. In order to destroy the barrier, seven human souls are needed – and it is revealed that Asgore Dreemurr, the King of the Underground, has six souls harvested from humans who have fallen into the Underground. Due to some very tragic back story, Asgore has declared war on humanity and wants Frisk’s soul to break the barrier. (But he’s not the only one.) Asgore is very conflicted about it and seems genuinely sad that he has to kill the player to achieve his goals, but he is willing to do it.
Frisk has to travel through the Underground to reach their goal and on the way meets skeleton brothers, an anime-obsessed scientist with a massive crush on a badass one-eyed fish woman, that same one-eyed fish woman, sexy seahorse men, the Tems, and other assorted characters along the way. There are three main paths that the game can take; Neutral, Pacifist, and Genocide. Like most RPGs there is a points system; in this case killing monsters will increase the player’s LV (also called LOVE) and EXP. However, it’s not until just before the big boss fight with Asgore that it is explained by Sans, a deceptively laid-back skeleton who likes to make bad puns and whose dialogue is in lowercase Comic Sans (get it?), that the LV/LOVE stands for Level Of ViolencE that measures your capacity to hurt others and the EXP are EXecution Points, which are a way of quantifying the pain you have inflicted on others. If you have been killing the citizens of the Underground to increase your LV and EXP, you’ve actually been a horrible villain and not a hero.
Hey, patrons! Let’s keep this oneshot train rolling by digging up another canon I haven’t touched in a while: DuckTales! This time, we’re going to cross it with Doctor Who, because why the hell not!?
For those wondering, this will be the 10th Doctor (The popular David Tennat version). The Doctor is never explicitly described in the fic, so I had to look at the character list to find out which it was.
Anyway, let’s start where we always do, with the summary!
When The Doctor gets sucked into a dimension,and Gyro Gearloose’s invention is to blame. But also the solution…
Well, we’re certainly off to a great start! Onwards and into the fic!
Hello hello all you patrons! And welcome back to what is, finally, the last chapter of The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy. Take it away, Troy.
“Well, pretty much all of the last chapter was spent just trying to get all of the various UNSC forces that have been dumped into Shepard’s universe on the same comm frequency and up to speed on all the bullshit that’s been going on regarding the slavers and the Kilimanjaro and whatever. Oh yeah, and Blaze killed the krogan who I guess was in charge of the whole ground assault or something, it’s kind of hard to tell what the wider course of this engagement is when we have zero idea what sort of forces both sides have, where they are located, or about really anything at all other than whatever enemy happens to be directly in front of one of the Spartans at the moment.”
Show and Tell Counter: 75
Amorous Counter: 116
Collateral Douchebag Counter: 39
[SETTING: The bedroom mentioned in the trailer for this series. There is now a black armchair in front of the bed, low enough so as to not block the TV. Delta is slumped over in this chair, keyboard still in his lap, fast asleep while relaxing music plays quietly from the TV. As the music comes to an end, a recorded message suddenly starts playing.]
Hi everybody! Sorry I can’t greet you personally, but even after just skimming through this chapter, I just know I’m going to need a veeeeeeery long nap to recover. Don’t worry, by the time you get this message, the riff will already be done and dusted, so without further ado:
Maya and Raider
(why am I doing this to myself)
Title: Unknown Origins
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Adventure and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Hiraani and Queen Malieasha of Jacelajoglia
Helloooo, friends! I’m Hiraani—
Queenie: And I, her superior.
And today we’re reviewing the next bit of Unknown Origins. Last time, Ms. Sue met a robot named Victor. Nothing else really happened. Let’s read on!
Hello, dear Patrons!
As I mentioned in the comments last week, this fic updated recently with a new chapter. If you want to get caught up you can visit the first two chapters here but the basics are as follows; the fic follows the ‘adventures’ of the intrepid Nero McGill, the grandiosely named son of a famous adventurer who was hired by Alterra for unspecified tasks after he committed minor crimes on their property, purely because his father is famous. I guess Alterra is big on brand recognition, or something. He is introduced into the fic when he goes outside of the spaceship in a modified wetsuit to both endanger people (who are out punching asteroids in mecha suits) and then save them. The particular person he saves, Lt. Jane Stalward, is a buxom young woman who later sneaks into Nero’s room to “thank” him by throwing her naked body at him. Repeatedly. Despite his apparent disinterest and intial reluctance, the two inexplicably enter into a relationship of sorts, although Nero thinks Jane is trying to trick him into staying with Alterra. I’m not sure why, since he does very little, but thankfully the ship is shot down by an alien gun before they engage in sexy times on-screen. There was a ‘tense’ run to the lifepods at the last minute as the ship was crashing, as Jane sacrificed herself by remaining on the ship so that Nero could escape and have a Dead Girlfriend™ Tragek Back Story.
Chapter 3: A Not-so-Warm Welcome
The Aurora‘s welcome to 4546B was very warm – on fire, even.