2524: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 10 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turian fleet pulled out as ordered by the Citadel Council, but then the humans cut off their exit, surrounded them, and wiped them out to the last man. Also, some of those pointless SPARTAN-knockoffs showed up and didn’t really do anything. And the quarians arrived just in time to participate in the tail-end of the latest round of pointless (and, indeed, since the humans were losing ships by fighting the turians who were just trying to leave, tactically inadvisable) slaughter and make a bunch of boring self-righteous speeches.

Oh yeah, and Douchey Sturk created some kind of spontaneous-particle-beam-generating weapon that can apparently destroy planets or something, because the Systems Alliance totally needs another one of those.


One can only wonder what carnage is in store in the next chapter; I don’t think there’s much hope of the Stumans ever quitting now that they’ve acquired a taste for it.

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2513: Two Worlds Collide – Chapters 10-14

Title: Two Worlds Collide
Author: Ghostwriter85
Media: Book
Topic: A Christmas Carol
Genre: Romance / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapters 101112, 13, and 14
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and the Ghost of Riffing Guests Yet to Come

Dummarization count: 16

In this riff, Kane learns The True Meaning of Christmas™!

Kane: … Doubtful.

Uh… right. Anyway, hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back, with the Riffcave’s resident Scrooge, Kane, but not the Riffcave’s resident stooge, who was our guest last time.

Kane: I’m sure that line is the product of the previous week’s worth of intense concentration.

Humbug to you too, smartass.

The Ghost of Riffing Guests Yet to Come: Y’all aren’t very civil around here, are you?

Ah, it’s all in good fun. Right, Kane?

Kane: I despise you.

Anyway, this is our Ghost of Riffing Guests Yet to Come (GRGYC for short), also known as a random OC of mine who may or may not appear in some variety of original story in the future, and will probably show up in one of my superhero-related riffs at some point, because otherwise I’ve just created a time paradox. Say hi, Anna!

Anna: Hi, Ann- Wait, are we sure it’s OK for them to know my name?

Ah, they’re trustworthy.

Well, any given one of them is either trustworthy or incompetent.

For the most part.

Kane: A ringing endorsement.

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2510: HE SEES YOU WHEN YOUR SLEEPING — Crappy Holidays

Author: Someone on Reddit, I think?
Media: Music??
Topic: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town???
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Trollpasta Rehost
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons, and happy holidays!

“Oh, bah humglub. Your species takes all the fun out of your holidays, you know that? You have this guy who, when he was born, the local king is supposed to’ve killed every single other whelp in the area just to make sure he got that one, and then the entire point of his life was to get nailed to a piece of wood while he was still alive. And you celebrate this by… bringing a tree indoors and giving each other toys? I’m disappointed!”

Well, I was going to dedicate this post to a goodriff or retrospective of the Christmas episode of CunkToad’s Semper Vigilo Anthologies (assuming he finished the damn thing), but since you did ask…

*Reaches over and presses a button very clearly labelled “CHRISTMAS MUSIC”*

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Fillertacular Special: AdmiralSakai and Serketry Riff Even More Godawful MLP Fanart (And A Wikipedia Page)

Hello hello all you patrons! Somebody didn’t post something somewhere, or something, so we’ve got an empty posting slot and a crapton of terrible MLP fanworks that Serketry and I riffed in Steam chat- and also a random Wikipedia page that pissed me off and I bothered him about. So let’s dive back into the wonderful world of anthropomorphic horse-girl pinups, bizarre facial expressions, and EEEEDGE!

As always, expect some rather more risque than usual visuals, and Serketry will be in bold.

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2498: halo: CHAOS and HARMONY — One Shot

Title: halo: CHAOS and HARMONY
Author: FXCF
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Sci-Fi/Suspense
URL: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, and Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! I was going to riff another chapter of First War since we are nearly at the halfway point of that stupid thing, but I didn’t think I could finish the next one in only two riffs and that’s how many I have before the Library Holiday Special (have I mentioned recently that First War is LONG?) so I decided to do some random one-shots I had kicking around instead.

First on the chopping-block are all 2500 words (and four chapters!) of FXCF’s weirdly-capitalized offering halo: CHAOS and HARMONY. Read the rest of this entry »

2495: The Weasley Curse – Chapter 2

Title: The Weasley Curse
Author: AuthorAndrewCharlusPotter
Media: Books/Movies
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat



Welcome, dear Patrons, to the second chapter of Weasley cursing.

And just a lot of cursing in general, most of it on my part.

In the previous chapter we learned about the Weasley Curse, which was basically an easy way to turn ginger via marriage and really doesn’t seem all that bad. The chapter ended shortly after the exchange of vows, and probably before they had actually gone through the “I now pronounce you man and wife” bit, with Harry rambling a bit about the curse with Arthur as if he suddenly knew everything about it. There was something about Bill’s past lives and the Malfoys, not really all that easy to follow.

The Weasley Curse…

Yes, we all know what fic we’re reading. You don’t have to remind us.

Chapter 2: Wedding of Katherine Weasley and Andrew Potter..

That would be the two people Harry seemed intimately familiar with, to the point of carrying multiple pictures of one around on his wedding day.

As is the author’s habit, the chapter begins with an Author’s Note. As is also the author’s habit, it is quite rambling and tries to ‘explain’ things that should probably be in the fic itself.

(AN: Andrew is Andrew Potter, who know who Bernard Weasley and Alastair Malfoy is and all and Katherine Anna Weasley is as well.

That’s wonderful for Andrew Potter, whomever he is when he’s at home, but I guess the rest of us can go piss up a rope.

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2492: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 8 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome once again to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously in the invasion of Earth… not a lot actually happened. The turians are still holding up a competent if underdescribed groundgame, Christopher McGraw is still obnoxious, the British are still being shit on for some weird reason, and the humans’ stupid WWII-era oceanic navy fleet is still not scrap… and the overall situation is still basically the same as it was the last chapter.

These things are becoming so god damn formulaic that in fact I feel pretty confident in predicting what this chapter will contain without even having read it:

  • Someone will employ some sort of tactic that is either incredibly obvious but somehow had never been thought of before, or is incredibly stupid but somehow works. There is a greater than 50% chance that the tactic will be something that was employed in a previous chapter by either the targets or the people who are using it now, but both sides will treat it as a complete surprise.
  • A stupidly large number of objects that we have never seen before and never had described and consequently don’t care about will be destroyed as a result.
  • The other side will get OUTRAGED!!!!!!! about it.
  • Someone will make a melodramatic speech.
  • The overall course of the conflict will be utterly unchanged.



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