Hello, and welcome back to “Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit,” by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and I’ma solo riff this time around, because I’d like to just get chapter five out of the way so that I can move on to a new riff.
When we last left off, Brian and Jacob had successfully gotten their asses beat by James Keller, but just as I was starting to hope, the rest of the dipshits showed up and overpowered him. From there, Brian had barely enough time to get most of his questions asked and answered before someone dropped the ball and put the whole base on high alert, thereby forcing the team to make a very noisy exfiltration. When they inevitably reached the dropship with little more than scratches and maybe a bruise, Miller took a moment to suddenly reveal that he had basic first aid training, a clear sign of JewishPotato rolling his eyes and being all, “fine, you want your damn medic so bad, here he is” in response to my
loud, angry bitching critiques. From there, Brian finished his line of questions, got real pissed when James revealed that his training was military, and proceeded to ORAORAORAORAORA the ever-loving shit out of the poor bastard, which was where the chapter ended.
Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the start of a new fic! This is one I’ve mentioned a few times recently, and now I’ve finally got around to it – the infamous Twilight/Jurassic Park crossover!
Yes, it exists. And here’s the summary;
Alexis Cullen was an adopted human member of the Cullens. Little did she know of her identity as VH1- the first human/raptor combination. She goes on what seems like an all-expenses paid trip to Jurassic World, and discovers nasty truths about her family.
Perhaps it’s just me, but when I see VH1 all I can think about is the video channel that was like the old-people version of MTV (this was back in the day when MTV and the like played actual music videos instead of constant reality shows).
The first chapter isn’t really a chapter, but more of a character bio/lab report.
Name: Alexis Johanna Cullen
This was posted in 2016, so that makes her about fourteen to fifteen years old. I really hope there’s not going to be any squicky human/raptor romances going on, but I’ve read quite a few of these already so I’m not going to hold my breath.
Title: Nightmares in Wonderland
Media: Movie / Video Game
Topic: American McGee’s Alice / Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
URL: Nightmares in Wonderland
Critiqued by TacoMagic
We’re finally here, the last two chapters!
Well, that’s being a bit generous. It’s more like the last chapter and then a little chapter booster pack.
Last time we finally had something happen! It was stupid, but it was a happening, so it’s at least progress toward wherever the author thought this was going. The whole chapter boiled down to a particularly sloppy GM session where a new player joins the table and has to be added to the party. There was a fairly nonsense scene where the tweedle-three threatened the lives of the children in order to… uh… magruamfum. Luckily their motivations are irrelevant since a bunch of cats pop out of the SDQF and stab them with shards of plotonium anyway.
Everyone up to speed? No? Perfect!
Chapter 9: Down The Rabbit Hole
*Porno music blares over the PA system*
Well, at least she didn’t wheel that damn contraption in here this time.
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the ‘fic formerly known as Velocitus et Fortius.
Previously, a whole lot of Mass Effect 1 went down, and we got to sit through far too much of it with basically no changes- namely, Saren attacked Eden Prime and killed Nihlus while Shepard teamed up with Kaiden, Ashley, Garrus, Wrex, and probably Tali. On Omega, we were then introduced to Kai Leng, who in this reality is a young boy named Vladimir Leng and is the grandson of Vlad the Impaler (yes, really) and likes to torture krogan with knives in the middle of the street for funsies and is in deep with that silly humans-only ‘Dark Suns’ mercenary group.
Oh yeah, and also the Alliance recruits child soldiers, their Marine Corps outfits every one of its combat troops with random bladed weapons ranging from katanas to war-axes, Shepard is a direct descendant of Leif Eriksson (and the ‘fic expects us to Care for some reason), and humans in this world have the ability to engage some sort of berserker super-rage-mode in addition to their super-strength, super-longevity, and super-ESP.
And if you’re wondering just what any of this has to do with mammoths getting bigger, you are in very good company.
“I’m just wondering how any of this species managed to survive long enough to invent firearms.”
Title: A Thorned Rose (re-write)
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mercenaries Franchise
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6248340/2/A-Thorned-Rose ; https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6248340/3/A-Thorned-Rose
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden
*drags an acceleration couch into the reading room*
Before I begin this segment of the snarking, I need to install some safety equipment.
*bolts the couch to the floor, installs a pair of touch pads on the arm rests, and hooks up an injection system on the headrest with the needles in line with where my neck will be*
Seriously. I don’t want to end up like Solomon Epstein when he first fired up that spaceship drive he’d been tinkering with.
*checks the injection system, ensuring the drugs used to counter the effects of high acceleration are properly stocked and the dosage settings are in proper parameters*
Ok. That should do it.
*lays on the couch, making some adjustments to the setup so I’m properly fitted into the mechanism*
Oh, almost forgot.
*gets out of the couch, sets up a viewscreen so I won’t have to turn my head to read it as I’m lying down, making sure the installation brackets will be able to withstand the acceleration forces I’m expecting*
*lays on the couch again, straps myself in, and pulls up the fic*
Ladies, gentlemen, and creatures of the Library, I present to you the second installment of my snarking of “A Thorned Rose”. Be advised: bad tactics, bad economics, worse dialogue, and incredibly ludicrous pacing await us. Infodumps may or may not occur in my riffing.
*pushes a button to activate the anti-acceleration drugs, wincing as the needles pierce my neck and the drugs flow into my arteries*
Let’s do this.
*pushes the start fic button* Read the rest of this entry »
Bifocals: You have me paired with WHO?!
I mean, apparently the running theme for this riff is Specs and Co. pairings that I thought were impossible, so…
Bifocals: But why me?! And why him?!
Everybody else was perfectly willing to try and kill me for suggesting it to them.
*Monocle KICKS THE DOOR OFF ITS HINGES*
Monocle: I HAVE ARRIVED!
You broke my door.
Monocle: IT WAS IN MY WAY!
That’s the entire reason doors exist.
Monocle: THEN IT MET WITH A WELL-EARNED FATE!
—CONTAINS VAGUE MENTIONS OF SEX—
Hello once again, my dear Patrons.
I was sorting through my pile and decided to dust off a fic from an author who brought us the most … “unique” zombie outbreak I’ve ever seen – it’s the one in which the zombie contagion was caused by an infectious explosion. This particular author has written numerous Smurfs fics that all star the same protagonist, an OC green Smurf Stu called Chernov who does all manner of implausible badassery. I assume this fic will follow the same pattern.
Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
An OC smurfette thought her boyfriend wasn’t satisfied with sex, so she decided to use a commodity offered by Papa Smurf to fix the problem.
Huh. Maybe Chernov isn’t in this one and there’s going to be a female OC instead. Unless the boyfriend is Chernov. That also seems likely.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else
Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters
Right. I forgot the author includes these … things in front of every chapter.
It had been nearly two years, two years of an relationship that had been somewhat either successful or disastrous.
Thanks for that description that could apply to literally any relationship ever.
Long ago, the smurfs had met their sub-species of smurfs.
First it was the leader named Chernov Reznov, a 10 centimeter tall grass green smurf that wore camouflage and a head of brown hair.
Dammit. Chernov is in the fic. But why is he wearing a head of brown hair? Is he a headhunter and that’s one of his trophies?
Very lean, intelligent, ignorant, and most of all, one who prefers to be left alone.
Y’know, ignorance really isn’t a quality people look for in a leader. Well, unless you live in America. It seems like we can’t get enough of some dumbasses.
His half brothers and sisters, grass green smurfs and smurfettes, were more sociable and were more smurf-like.
Wait, the other green Smurfs are only his half-siblings? That doesn’t really jibe with what I know of Smurf procreation (once every blue moon a stork brings a new Smurf) but I guess these are going to be “special” Smurfs.
However, all green smurfs were more human in behavior than smurf.
So they’re all opinionated assholes?