1285: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken – Chapter Ten

Title: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken
Author: MaesterDimentio
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Sterling Bengtzing, and Crunchy Raptor

Hello folks, and welcome to another installment of Fire Emblem: ReAwaken. As always, I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and I’m joined by these two fuckers.

Sterling Bengtzing: You say that like this isn’t the last time I’ll be here.

Crunchy: Well, assuming you fail to logic bomb Bifocals’ new dimensional portal, it will be.

SB: About damn time! All this time calling this fruitcake on his shit was making me weak! I’ve got to get back to the courts pronto!

C: It will be quite the relief for me, too. I will not have to worry about anyone attempting to ruin my complexion.

SB: Wuss…

Oh, you’ll be fine, Crunchy. Anyway, since we’re here, let’s get this show on the road, shall we?

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1284: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-Five

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

Welp, this is it, we’re finally here.  The last chapter.

“That means I get my Wednesdays back, right?”

For the time being, yes.  Eliza hasn’t had as much face time in the riffs as you or Crunchy, so I’m planning on making my next big collaboration with her.

“You’re stealing my babysitter!?”

Maybe you could ask Shad-

*Panicked screaming echoes in from the hallway*

Um, well, I’m sure you’ll find somebody.

“Ugh, fine.   I guess I’ll handle the recap this week.  Last time, uh, did anything happen?”

Let’s go look.

*Ten minutes of reading the last riff later*

“Ah right, that stupid-ass dream sequence with Stanky’s mom.  Then the party hangs out on an island for a bit, and nothing important really happens except they go from one part of the island to another part of the island.  The new part has a town and a port on it or something.  And then we started drinking.”

Yeah, it gets really hazy after the drinking bit.

“I vaguely remember making a pass at… somebody and getting shut down because I was a little steaming drunk.”

I think it was Markus.  Again.

“Damn, I need to drink in a place where I can hit on a greater variety of people.”

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1283: A Light in the Dark

Title: A Light in the Dark
Author: Darkblade (No URL given)
Media: Anime/Video Games
Topic: Sailor Moon/ Warhammer 40k
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Erttheking

Nora:…Wat?

Ert: We’re doing a good story this week. Little break from the norm.

Nora: And your choice for that was one that was a crossover between 40k, a testosterone filled world about how everything sucks and we’re all going to die a horrible and painful death…with SAILOR MOON!? The cute and heartwarming, overly idealistic anime about how we can save everyone and love with prevail? Could the two BE anymore different? Hell, if I were to see a crossover, I’d expect the Senshi to either all be massacred or be converted into a harem!

Cornelia: But this is different?

Ert: There’s actually a lot of stories on FF.net about “Lovehammer,” which was based on a story by Arkado and another story by Charles Bhepin who cites Arkado as inspiration. Although many takes into Lovehammer are downright goofy, Arkado and Charles Bhepin took more dramatic looks into Lovehammer. The general premise for Lovehammer is that when the Moon Kingdom was under attack in Sailor Moon’s backstory and Queen Serenity tried reincarnate everyone, Chaos (Also the Moon Kingdom was under attack by Chaos and not Queen Beryl, or Queen Beryl WAS Chaos, we only get a second hand account) sabotages it and sends them into the 40k universe as infants, with them ending up in there at around the late 29th millennium.

Ert: This happens at the same time the Emperor of Mankind has just finished conquering Earth and is looking to the stars to reunite humanity and find his lost sons. As luck would have it, Usagi pretty much falls right into his lap and realizing there’s something special about her, adopts her as his daughter. As such he also finds the rest of the Senshi along with their sons, and the Senshi gain standings in the Imperium of Man equal to that of the Primarchs, who are now their brothers. Sailor Jupiter is even considered the patron saint of the Imperial Guard.

Nora:…Ok that actually sounds kinda interesting.

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1282: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapters Seven and Eight

Title: Everybody Likes Chocolate
Author: nutin-but-JD
Media:  Book / Movie
Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Genre: Romance
URL:
Chapter Seven
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to “Everybody Likes Chocolate.”  *waits for the collective groan to subside*  Hey, at least it isn’t Disney sibcest.

This week, I’ll be going solo.  Koori got called home for some family emergency and I didn’t feel like finding a temporary replacement intern.  The downside is that I have to fetch my own drinks and deal with the DRD personally.  I’ve brought my sledgehammer out and Carlos is fully charged.  I also have my dictionary, if I get desperate, and I have the BIG teapot to hold me until she gets back.  Gumdrop gave me a plate of cookies for Christmas in case I get peckish and I made a blanket fort because blanket forts are awesome.  I’ll survive this.   I don’t need my intern for every riff.  I have not become dependent on her.

*glances around*  Man, it’s lonely in here.

Anyway, last time we visited this fic, our feline protagonist ended up in a Formless Void, sang a song, and then wandered off to follow Wonka around some more.  An Oompa Loompa left open the perfect opportunity for the author to give the protagonist a name, the author failed to do that, and then Kitty drank some milk.  This is riveting.

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1281: The Marrissa Games – Chapter Four

Title: The Marissa Games
Author:  Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal
Genre: Not Listed
URL:  Chapter Four
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat (with special guests Goddess, Cain, and Syl)

Cain: Welcome back, Patrons and Librarians. This particular chapter is even more… interesting than others.

Goddess: Cain, what do you know that we don’t?

Cain: Not telling.

Syl: Well, that’s ominous. Should we make him tell us?

Ghostie: :sigh: Are we ever going to get through one of these without someone being threatened with grievous bodily harm?

Cain: Nope. Not with those two here. Maybe I should replace Goddess with Garrus.

Ghostie: I’m not really “up” on the canon version, but I think we’re better off with the devil we know.

Syl: :elbows Goddess: I think she’s flirting with you.

Goddess: I’d be fine with that.

Cain: Just pretend she doesn’t exist. It’s rather effective.

Ghostie: Good to know.

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1280: Courier’s Effect: A Short Story Of My Beginnings – Chapters One, Two, Three, and Four

Title: Courier’s Effect: A Short Story Of My Beginnings
Author: CourierMaximum42
Media: Video Games
Topic: Mass Effect / Fallout
Genre: Humor / Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SuperFeatherYoshi

Ladies and gentlemen, this is SuperFeatherYoshi, and I have finally returned from my year long hiatus! And I did not return empty handed.

Today we are going to take a look at Courier’s Effect, a Fallout/Mass Effect crossover. And boy oh boy is it awful. The sheer amount of research failures puts Hammer Effect to shame. It also features arguably one of the biggest Mass Effect self-insert Stu the library has ever seen, whose Stuness, in my humble opinion, is second only to good ol’ 23.

So, let’s begin, shall we?

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1279: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Ten, Part Two

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter Ten
Critiqued at the expense of Alexander Killian by SC and Teh Specs

~TRIGGER WARNING: CASUAL REFERENCE TO STATUTORY RAPE AND SEXIST DIALOGUE ARE PRESENT. IF YOU AREN’T COMFORTABLE READING SUCH THINGS, IT IS STRONGLY ADVISED THAT YOU IGNORE THIS RIFF.~

~~~

Alex: I’m never getting out of here, am I.

Oh no no no, don’t get the wrong idea! I’ll totally let you go. Once I’m done ripping you a new asshole, that is. And that’s not going to be anytime soon, so get comf- pffffft! Can’t even fucking finish that sentence…

Alex: I never knew that someone who is supposed to be the good guy could be so evil.

I lean more towards Chaotic Good, I think.

*Loud crashing in the hall and the door slamming open heralds the not-so-graceful arrival of Specs, who stumbles into the room and falls flat on his face*

Jesus, that sounded like the cafeteria staff was having a standoff with the ninjas! What the hell did you do?

Specs: Tripped over a shoelace.

You wear slip-ons!

Specs: I know! So where’d the shoelace even come from?

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